The Way Back

by Melissa Toppen

  “Not a chance. You’ve worked the last two weekends. At this rate, you're likely to work yourself into a coma. You need sleep. And a lot of it.” She ushers me toward the door.

  “But...” I start to protest.

  “Not a chance. Get some rest. We will see you on Sunday,” she says, holding the door open for me.

  “Careful. I'm starting to think that you're getting sick of me,” I whine, stepping out into the warm night air.

  “I don't think it's possible to get sick of you, Grace. You're too fucking sweet.” She laughs. “But you will eventually burn yourself out if you work too much and I like having you around, so I refuse to let that happen. Now go.”

  I scuff my feet as I turn to walk away, throwing a half wave over my shoulder as I make my way down the empty sidewalk. I hear Becca chuckle as the door snaps shut and I readjust my guitar case on my shoulder before quickening my pace.

  I live within minutes of Vitos but that doesn't change the fact that walking home by myself is extremely unnerving. It is New York City, after all. Definitely not the safest city for a woman to be walking around in the middle of the night.

  I round the corner and quicken my steps to a light jog when my apartment building comes into view. Some nights I enjoy the walk home. Other nights I freak myself out with every little noise, thinking that someone is going to jump out and attack me. Tonight is one of those nights.

  I breathe out a sigh of relief as I reach the top of the stairs leading to the entrance of the building. Pushing my way inside, I opt to take the elevator instead of the staircase.

  Feeling overly anxious, I finally make it to my front door but nearly trip over a package in front of it in my attempt to get inside as quickly as possible. Not really paying much attention, I scoop up the rectangle box and push my way inside.

  The apartment is dark as I slide the lock into place before quickly making my way down the hall to my bedroom. Honestly, I'm a little surprised that Emma isn't waiting up for me. After she found out that I ended things with Zayne, she’s become somewhat of a leech.

  I know it's because she thinks I’m going to break down and she wants to be there to help me put the pieces back together when it happens. I just wish I could make her see that all of the pieces are so withered and torn that piecing them back together would never be a possibility. My pieces no longer go together and there are holes and gaps where some have disappeared.

  I flip on my bedroom light and prop my guitar next to the door. Realizing I’m still holding the package that was outside the front door, I flip it over in my hands to see who it's addressed to. To my surprise, it's my name I see staring back at me.

  Not really sure who it could be from, I flop down in the middle of my bed and open the box. It takes me a few seconds to get the tape peeled away from the seam but once I do, the top opens up revealing white tissue paper.

  Even more confused, I begin slowly sorting through the paper to find the contents inside, but the more tissue paper I pull out, the more I’m starting to believe that it’s simply a box filled with paper.

  Finally reaching the bottom of the box, my fingers stumble upon a white envelope. Peeling it open, I reach inside and pull out two pieces of thick paper, similar to card stock. The back is an advertisement for something so I flip them over to the front.

  My mouth falls open when I realize that I am holding two tickets to see Raining Strange live at the Mercury Lounge.

  But who?

  Why?

  I look back into the envelope and am relieved to find a small piece of folded paper in the bottom.

  Peeling the corners apart, I quickly read the note.

  As soon as I found out about this I knew I had to get you tickets.

  Everyone has things they dream about doing, Gracie.

  It's about time you start experiencing some of yours.

  -Alec

  My eyes gloss over at reading my brother's message. Somehow, someway, he knew I needed this. He's right. There are so many things I want to experience in this life. Places I want to go, things I want to see. So many things that I’m giving up by merely existing.

  Propping the tickets on my nightstand, I text Alec a heartfelt thank you before changing into an old t-shirt and climbing into bed. I can't believe that in just under a week I will be getting to see one of my all-time favorite bands live.

  Even though I’m ecstatic about my gift from Alec, I can't help but feel disappointed. A part of me really wanted it to be from Zayne. I know that sounds petty and stupid, but isn't that how it's supposed to be?

  I want him to do something, anything. I want him to fight for me. I want to know that I’m worth fighting for. And while his constant presence at Vitos stirs hope in me, it's not enough. I don't want him to just show up night after night and then disappear again.

  I want him to walk up on that stage and tell me that he can't live another moment without me in his arms. I want him to tell me he loves me and that any risk is worth taking if it means he gets me. I want all of this and yet I want none of it at all.

  I don't want the constant fear or doubt. The worry or the heartache that will follow me everywhere I go. The only real question is which is worse; wanting something from him that he cannot give or getting something from him that I cannot take?

  Either way, we both lose.

  “GRACIE. GRACIE GET up,” Emma whines as she shakes my body that is curled under a mountain of covers. I groan out, swatting her away with my hand before rolling onto my side. “Come on, Grace. It's nearly noon and like it or not, you owe me a day.” The bed shifts under her weight as she plops down next to me.

  Feeling overly guilty for being such a neglectful friend, I give in and roll back over, prying one eye open to peer up at her.

  “Fine.” I sigh, successfully prying the second eye open. “What did you have in mind?” I push the covers down to my waist before stretching my arms above my head.

  “Well, since this is my only day off this week, I thought maybe we could go shopping or something. There are some awesome boutiques around the city that I have been dying to check out.” She gives me a wide smile, knowing she will need to butter me up to get me to agree to a shopping trip.

  Feeling like I owe her one, I opt to not give her a hard time and quickly agree.

  “That sounds great. Maybe we could see if Alec is free to do a late lunch while we're out,” I suggest, hoping for a chance to thank my brother in person for the concert tickets.

  “No offense to Alec, but I was hoping we could just do a girls’ day. I mean, if that's okay?” She picks at her fingernail, not meeting my gaze.

  Something about her reaction seems off but I try not to think too much of it. Usually Em would jump at the chance to see Alec.

  “Okay.” I push myself into a sitting position. “I will just see if he's free tomorrow. No biggie. I want to thank him in person.” I lean over and retrieve the concert tickets from my nightstand. “He sent me these yesterday.” I hold the tickets out to her.

  She takes them from me and her eyes widen as she realizes what they are.

  “These are amazing. I can't believe he got them for you.” She looks at them for a long moment before handing the tickets back to me.

  “I know. I’m so excited.” I set the tickets back on my nightstand. “Do you think you will be able to go with me?” I ask, knowing that's very unlikely with her schedule right now.

  “I wish I could, but I am ninety-nine percent sure that I have a show that night.” She gives me an apologetic smile.

  “No worries.” I say on a shrug. “I know you're not a fan anyway. Worst case, I'll drag Carver out with me. I’ve barely seen him since we've been here. Does the man do anything other than work and sleep?”

  “It doesn't seem like it.” She laughs.

  “Is he still seeing the girl from the club?” I ask, as I push myself out of bed, crossing the room to my closet to find something to wear.

  “I don't think so. Apparently, she is cra
zy jealous and the fact that he has two female roommates did not go over well with her.”

  “Well, that sucks. She should have at least met us before deciding if it was worth freaking out over or not.” I pull a pair of jeans and a blue top out of the closet, tossing them on the edge of my bed.

  “Yeah right. With the way you and Carver act, she probably would’ve clawed your eyeballs out within the first five minutes of meeting you.” Emma laughs, standing to make her way toward the door. “I'm gonna go change and then we can head out.” She exits the room after getting a nod of acceptance from me.

  Deciding that a lazy shopping day with Em does not merit a shower, I dress quickly and head to the bathroom to freshen up and brush my teeth. By the time I enter the living room, Em is ready and waiting for me. Dressed in a casual floral sundress and strappy sandals, her brown hair pinned back in a sleek ponytail, she looks amazing per usual.

  Damn her and her need to always look so perfect. She has a way of making even the simplest outfit stand out in a crowd. Especially standing next to me in tattered jeans, my long waves tied up in a messy knot.

  “Um, should I change?” I ask, gesturing between her outfit and mine.

  “Don't be ridiculous. You look great.” She grabs her purse from the kitchen counter and heads toward the door. I shove my cell phone and credit card in my back pocket and follow her out of the apartment and down the stairs.

  After three hours of following Emma around the city, I’m more than a little relieved when she suggests that we grab a bite to eat. Settling at a patio table at Robyn's Cafe, I’m flipping through the menu when I hear Em take a deep inhale.

  Glancing up, I notice that something is off and quickly follow her line of sight. It isn't until I spot a man and a woman walking down the sidewalk on the opposite side of the street that I realize why she’s bothered.

  I know without even being able to make out his face that it's Zayne. There is no mistaking his body, the way he walks, the way he carries himself with such confidence. He's dressed casually in jeans and a white t-shirt and has his arm linked with a tall brunette. I briefly wonder who she is and just how many women he has in his arsenal considering every time I see him with a woman, it’s never the same one.

  Her long hair bounces behind her as she walks, a knee length casual dress accenting her perfect curves. I watch her face light up when Zayne speaks to her and I don't miss the smile turning up the corners of his mouth as he turns toward her, giving me a perfect view of his face.

  He leans down and whispers something in her ear and I can see her shoulders rise and fall with laughter. Trying to fight the venom rising in my throat, I swallow hard and try to force myself to look away.

  “What a jackass.” I hear Emma say, but I still can't tear my eyes away from the moment unfolding in front of me.

  Zayne says something else to the woman and then smiles widely at her before relinking their arms and leading her a little further down the sidewalk and around a corner, where they both disappear from view.

  Turning back towards Em, I find her staring at me intently, a look of disgust plastered across her pretty face. I don't have a chance to comment as the waiter appears to take our order and I can tell that Emma is dying to say her piece by the time he walks away.

  “Just say it.” I fidget with the wrapper of my straw. “I’m an absolute idiot for ever getting involved with him. Yeah, tell me something I don't already know.” I fight back the angry tears welling behind my eyes and look at my friend.

  “Actually, I was going to say that he is an idiot for letting you go,” she says, reaching across the table to pat my hand. “You are the most amazing and caring person that I know. Don't let someone like him make you doubt your own worth.”

  “Thanks, Em. I appreciate that, I really do. But can we please talk about something else?” I ask, desperately wanting to just erase the last five minutes.

  It would figure that once again, in a city this large, that the one person I would see is the only person that I don't want to see. I don't understand how this keeps happening to me. Again, I must have seriously pissed someone off upstairs or something.

  “What do you want to talk about?” She plasters on a bright smile like nothing out of the ordinary just happened.

  “Wicked. Tell me all about it. How does it feel to perform on a stage in New York? Are there any hot guys?” This is all it takes before Emma is filling me in on every little thing about her new job.

  Apparently, cute guys are not in short supply in the theater world. It would figure too. Seems like some people get it all. Looks, talent, confidence. While others, like me, seem to have gotten the short end of the stick.

  Emma drags me around to a few more shops after lunch, before we finally call it a day. While I tried desperately to not let Zayne's appearance with another mystery woman ruin my day with Em, I can't deny that it did put quite a damper on our outing.

  I couldn't keep my mind from wondering about who the woman was, what she was to Zayne, or what they had been doing together since they disappeared around that corner.

  Now, sitting on the edge of my bed, cell phone in hand, it takes everything I have not to call him and give him a piece of my mind. Problem is, I have no right to. I walked away from him. What did I expect?

  I know that ending things with him was necessary. I’m not foolish enough to believe that what we had could actually mean something real to him or even last. I mean, how successful can a relationship be when it's forced to be kept secret? And what kind of future could that be for the parties involved? Especially when one solves his problems by creating more...

  Deep down I think I know that I’ll never be enough to hold a man like Zayne down. He’s like the wind, free and impossible to catch. Even if he were to commit to me, how long would it be before he strayed? Before he got bored?

  A part of me really wants to come clean to Alec. To go to him and confess that I’m in love with his best friend and that I don't know what to do about it because he hurt me and I’m not sure I can get past it.

  At least then the excuses would be gone. Zayne wouldn't have Alec as a crutch anymore. He would be free to decide if he truly wants to be with me or if walking away was the right move.

  But then where would that leave his relationship with Alec? And would it be worth the irreversible damage it would do to their friendship when the likelihood is that it would never work between us?

  Even if Zayne came for me or confessed everything to Alec, would I be able to open myself up enough to let him in? Or would I simply shut him out the way I already have?

  “Grace.” Carver's voice comes through the door as a light knock sounds against the wood.

  “Come in.” My voice comes out broken and I try to compose myself as to not let Carv see that I am upset.

  The door creaks open and Carver steps inside. His tall, lean torso is covered in athletic shorts and a black t-shirt. He crosses the distance of the room in three long strides and plops down on the bed next to me.

  “You want to order pizza?” he asks, pausing to look at me. “Everything okay?” He nudges my shoulder with his.

  I don't know why but that one question partnered with the way he asked it, so kind and gentle, breaks the thin line holding my emotions together.

  Without a word, a sob rips from my throat and tears begin to fall rapidly down my face.

  “Grace... What... Are you okay?” Carver stumbles out, clearly shocked by my unexpected breakdown.

  Carver has never seen me get emotional like this and even through my sobs, I can tell that he’s unsure as to what he should do.

  “I hate him,” I cry out, for the first time not trying to hold my emotions in. I don't care that Carver is witnessing my breakdown or that Em is in the next room over and could walk in at any moment and find me in a heaping mess of tears. “I can't do this.” I lean forward, dropping my face into my hands. Within seconds, his arms close around me, pulling me into his chest.

  “Gracie, w
hat are you talking about?” he asks, squeezing me tightly as my sobs shake through my entire body. “You're scaring me, Grace. Talk to me,” Carver pleads, pulling back to look at my face. He wipes away my tears with his thumbs and then lifts my face upward to meet his. “It's him, isn't it? Zayne?” he questions, wiping away another tear that escapes my eye.

  I nod, taking a couple of deep breaths, trying to calm myself. Suddenly, the reality of the situation kicks in and I feel myself closing down. Pushing away from Carver, I wipe my face on the bottom of my shirt and quickly stand.

  “No. It's nothing. I'm sorry, Carv. I've just been really stressed out here recently and I guess I had a mental breakdown for a moment there.” I turn to give him my best attempt at an apologetic smile.

  “Grace, don't.” Carver grabs my hand when I attempt to walk away. “Don't shut me out.” He stands, pulling me into his chest. “I love you, Gracie. You are my best friend and I love you. Let me be here for you.” He engulfs me with his arms. “It's okay to not be okay sometimes. We all have our breaking points.”

  His words only cause more tears to come. Mainly because he’s right, but also because I have realized my fatal mistake. It doesn't matter how much I push people away or shut them out. At the end of the day, it doesn't change how much I love them or how much it would hurt to lose them.

  I spend the remainder of the night in Carver's arms. He doesn't judge me or give me a hard time about Zayne. Instead, he just listens. He listens to every detail of what brought me and Zayne to this point and right when I feel like he could think no less of me, he offers me the comfort and the reassurance that only a true friend could.

  He doesn't tell me that I am an idiot or that everything will work out in the end. Instead, he asks me one question and in that one question he's asking so much more.

  “Is he worth it?”

  Honestly, I don't know at first.

  Is Zayne worth the risk?

  Would it be better to love and then lose when you love a person like him?

  Can I overcome my past enough to allow myself to truly love and be loved in return?