The Way Back

by Melissa Toppen

  Picking up my phone, I type out a quick thank you text and hit send, silently praying that he doesn't respond. Turning my attention back to Carver, who is at the moment in deep conversation with Ian about politics, I try to ignore the nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach as I wait to see if he will text me back.

  I laugh when appropriate, which given their conversation is often. Imagine how entertaining it is to watch a free spirited artist and a business major jock discuss the pros and cons of our constitutional rights.

  An hour later, I excuse myself when the conversation turns to other topics and I've heard all I can hear about the hot women Carver works with and Ian describing girls he's hooked up with recently.

  Crawling into bed on top of the blankets, I flop back onto my back and check my phone again for any response from Zayne. Nothing. Apparently he read me loud and clear the other day. And while I know it's what I asked for, I’m realizing more and more each day that it's not what I want.

  Knowing I need to distract myself before I cave during a moment of weakness and call Zayne, I quickly key in Emma's number and pray she picks up the phone. After three rings, her voice comes across the line.

  “It sold?” she asks, her tone anxious and yet strangely giddy. Of course she's been waiting for this call, being the first person I called when Hannah let me know that we were in negotiations.

  “It sold,” I confirm, some of my former happiness returning at being able to tell my best friend the good news.

  “Oh my god, Gracie! I'm so proud of you!” she practically sings into the phone.

  “Thank you. It's amazing. I still feel like I’m going to wake up and realize that this is all some crazy dream.” I drape my forearm across my forehead to stop the overhead light from shining into my eyes.

  “I can assure you that it's not a dream. If I were there, I would totally pinch you.” She laughs, reminding me how much I miss hearing her laughter, her voice, and seeing her face.

  “I wish you were here,” I whine. “I mean, I'm glad you're where you are and there is no place else you should be. I just miss you. Now I’m forced to celebrate with all men. Boo.” I huff.

  “Oh they’re not so bad. There's one particularly fine one that I wouldn't mind celebrating with.” She giggles into the phone and I get the distinct impression that she's not alone on the other side of the call.

  “Um gross. What are you doing, anyway?” I tack on casually.

  “Oh nothing exciting. Just arrived in our next city. You know. Same old same old,” she says, but there's something in her voice that doesn't sit right.

  “Emma Davenport, what are you hiding from me?” I sit up like a bolt of lightning. I can read my best friend well, and with the exception of her and Alec, she has never been able to keep anything from me.

  “What? I'm not hiding anything.” She covers the phone, speaking to someone that must be near her. Her words are muffled and whispered so I have no clue what she's saying. “Listen, Gracie, I gotta go. We just got to the hotel so I need to head up and get settled.”

  “Oh, okay.”

  “I'll talk to you soon,” she promises, before making a kiss sound into the phone and ending the call.

  I toss my phone on my nightstand and head back out into the living room, immediately turning toward the kitchen when I realize that Carver and Ian's conversation has moved onto zombies and eating people's brains. My god, men have the strangest conversations.

  I grab a bottle of water from the fridge, right as a knock sounds on the door. Looking over at Carver, he shrugs, indicating he isn't expecting anyone.

  “It's probably Alec,” Ian calls over his shoulder without looking at me. “I called and gave him the news. He said he was going to stop by to congratulate you,” he says right as I am pulling the door open.

  “Surprise!” Emma squeals when my eyes hit hers. Before I have time to process anything, her arms are around me and we are both jumping up and down like teenagers, squealing and crying about how much we missed each other.

  “My god, it's only been a few weeks, girls.” Carver groans from the living room.

  “Oh, shut up and get your ass over here,” she demands, not having to say any more before being pulled away from me and wrapped in Carver's arms.

  “It's good to see you, Em,” he says before Ian steps up and steals her away.

  “Oh, the one that got away.” He fakes heartbreak and grips his chest once he releases his hold on her.

  We all laugh in unison at the comedic humor that only Ian can provide. It takes me a moment to realize that Alec is here too. He must have been with Emma and I was too distracted to notice him.

  “You,” I say, glaring at him.

  “Me.” He grins. “What would a celebration be without your best friend?” he asks, just now able to get far enough into the apartment to close the door.

  “We're celebrating?” I ask, still in shock that Emma is here.

  “Are you kidding me?” She turns her attention on me. “Grace Morgan, you became a published author. Like hell we aren't celebrating. I've already got it planned.” She wraps her arm around my shoulders before retrieving what looks to be some type of clothing from Alec.

  Without a word to the boys, she turns and guides me down the hall to my bedroom. As soon as the door closes behind us, she wraps me in another hug.

  “I have missed you so much.” She chokes on her emotion, squeezing me so tightly I feel like circulation is being cut off to half of my body.

  “How are you here right now?” I ask, pulling back to look at her. She looks even better than she did before she left. Her hair is a little longer and her skin has just the right amount of bronze to it, like she has spent a lot of her down time on the beach. The road looks good on her.

  “Alec.” Her smile is so wide it literally makes me want to cry tears of happiness for her. “I have two days off until my next show so he bought me a plane ticket and here I am.” She holds her arms out as if putting herself on display. “But I’m only here until tomorrow night. I have an eight o’clock flight to Phoenix.” She pouts her lip out.

  “Well then I guess we better make the most of it.” I glance at the clock. “It's already seven.”

  “Not to worry. We have time.” She smiles sweetly at me, leaning over to retrieve the clothing that she threw haphazardly on my bed when she hugged me.

  “And the plan is?” I ask.

  “Saving Solace is playing at Vitos. Alec has already let Becca and Jake know so expect a big to do,” she warns. “Don't give me that look, Grace.” She huffs. “I flew all the way here to celebrate my best friend's amazing accomplishment. The least you can do is let me do it my way.”

  I sigh dramatically. “What's this?” I ask, referring the clothing in her hands.

  “Our outfits for the night,” she squeals, holding up two matching tube halter dresses, one black, and one red.

  I start to object but bite my tongue. Knowing Em, she probably spent every minute leading up to her flight trying to find the perfect outfits for us to wear for our night out. This is what you get for being best friends with a fashion diva like Emma Davenport.

  “Red or Black?” she asks, the red one higher and then the black. Knowing which one she chose for me, I immediately reach for the red. The excitement on her face tells me that I chose right.

  As Em and I get ready, I try to focus on the positive things. My book deal, Ian and Emma both being in town, my mended relationship with Alec. While it all means so much to me and I’m so happy to have them here, I can't help but feel like a large part of what would make this night monumental is missing.

  He's missing.

  I can't help but wonder if there will ever be a moment where his absence won't make me feel like a part of myself is lost along with him.

  WE STROLL INTO Vitos just before ten. The small bar is packed, as it usually is on nights when Saving Solace is playing. I take a quick moment to make sure my dress is covering all the appropriate areas and then tur
n to Emma to have her fix my black lace choker that sets off my four inch black heels perfectly.

  “You look amazing,” Emma reassures me, though I'm not sure why I really care. Nodding, I turn and head directly to the bar. A large Congratulations banner is displayed across the top, blocking off where the wine glasses usually hang. I spot Jake immediately, a wide dimple filled smile covering his face as he makes his way over to us.

  “I guess congrats are in order,” he says when he reaches us at the end of the bar. I nod and point to the gaudy sign that is on full display. “Becca.” He smiles wider. “You know how she is.”

  I laugh knowing exactly what he's talking about, but then gasp when he jumps up on the bar. Grabbing his megaphone, he begins making an announcement to the crowd that has only grown in the moments since we arrived.

  “Hey everybody, listen up!” He smiles down at me before turning back to the crowd. “For those of you who don't know, this is my girl, Grace.” He gestures toward me. I'm sure my face is beet red and not knowing what else to do, I hold up my hand and give a little awkward wave. “Grace just found out today that she is officially going to be a published author. So how about we show her some love and buy this damn girl a shot!” he exclaims, laughter filtering from various people in the crowd. “Congrats!” He jumps down from the bar to stand in front of me. With a lopsided grin and one dimple on full display, he wraps me in a warm hug. “I'm so happy for you,” he says into my hair before releasing me.

  “Where's Becca?” I ask, not missing the mountain of balloons that come filtering out of the office/storage closet behind the bar as soon as the words leave my mouth.

  “Do you really need to ask?” He laughs. “I think my girlfriend has been eaten by a swarm of balloons.”

  “Oh shut up and come help me,” she calls somewhere from behind the massive bouquet that has to consist of at least fifty helium filled, multicolored balloons.

  Jake runs behind the bar and quickly starts sorting through the latex until somewhere in the middle he locates Becca. Laughing, he takes the balloons and releases them all into the air so that the low ceiling is lined with balloons and white curling ribbon. Grabbing the other half, he repeats the process. By the time every balloon has been released to the ceiling, it's hard to see anything but.

  “Congratulations!” Becca squeals, skipping around the bar to wrap me in a hug. “Grace.” She steps back to look at me. “Wow! Girl, you look hot!” she says, doing the whole head spin, finger snap maneuver that is so not her style.

  The whole group erupts in laughter. Soon after, everyone has said their hellos and the crowd begins to push forward to the stage as Saving Solace comes on. Emma and I join the crowd but the boys fall back to hang with Becca and Jake who are both working the bar tonight.

  Thad comes on stage with his rock star swagger and staggering good looks. His eyes meet mine within seconds of appearing on stage and he throws me a wave and a boyish smile before strapping his guitar around him.

  They start the set with one of my favorite songs. “Just Breathe” by Pearl Jam. It's a pretty mellow number and one that has the crowd swaying back and forth as Thad's amazing voice flows around us.

  The next two hours go by in a blur. Emma and I dance. Jake and Becca feed me shots like it's my job to drink, and not one of them do I pay for, might I add. By the time the last set of the night rolls around, I'm sweaty, overheated, and honestly not near as drunk as I should be after all the shots I have consumed this evening.

  Looking over, I see Alec lean down and kiss Emma. I wish I could say that it grosses me out because it's my brother but that isn't it at all. If nothing else, seeing the way he's looking at her makes me wish I had someone to look at me that way, and makes me miss the certain someone who used to look at me that way even more.

  Ian calls them out on it and turns the tender moment into a joke. “Get your hands off my girl.” He laughs, shoving Alec's shoulder to the side. Both boys laugh and Emma rolls her eyes before turning her attention to me.

  “Come on.” Em grabs my hand, dragging me back toward the stage, Alec following us this time. “They're getting ready to come back on.” She pushes me forward until I’m standing feet in front of the stage.

  “Um, Em. The whole band is still at the bar.” I gesture behind us.

  “Yeah, yeah whatever. Look, here comes Thad.”

  I watch him as he steps onto the stage. His eyes flicker to my face and for a moment something flashes across his features but it's gone before I can really dissect it.

  My whole body tenses, afraid that he's going to repeat the embarrassing announcement that Jake made earlier in the night. But I relax when the lights dim down to nothing but a solitary spot that shines directly on Thad as he steps up to the microphone. The rest of the bar is practically drowned in darkness so that the only focus is him.

  “What's he doing?” I question aloud but Em only shrugs.

  He clicks on the mic and his eyes meet mine again for a brief moment before he flicks them back to the crowd and begins to speak.

  “First I want to say thank you as always for coming out to support us.” A few hoots and hollers come from the ladies in the audience. Holding up his hands, he lowers them again, silencing the crowd. “But that's not what tonight is about. Tonight is about a man and his love for a woman. But to understand, I first have to tell you a story.” He smiles widely when the crowd cheers for him to continue. “This is a story about an idiot of a man and the beautiful, sweet girl he let slip through his fingers.” He paces the stage as the spotlight follows his every move. “This man, well, he didn't know what a good thing he had until he was forced to live without it. As is most things in this life.” He pauses. “Anyway, this man, he fell in love with the sweet, beautiful girl. He fell in love with her and then he let her go,” he says, a few boos sounding from the crowd. “Now don't judge him too harshly.” He returns to the middle of the stage. “He only let her go because he thought she deserved more. But now, well, he's decided he can't live without her.” His eyes find mine at the front of the stage.

  Immediately, my hands feel clammy and my stomach twists in a nervous, anxious way where I'm not sure if I am going to puke, faint, or both. There's something so familiar to this story, yet I don't know what to think of it. Certainly, he's not talking about me.

  “But now here's the real issue,” he continues. “He lost the girl and only then did he realize his mistake. Problem is, now that he's come to his senses, it would seem so has she.” Thad grins. “Now this is where I come in. This man came to me, hoping that I could help him get through to her, being the talented musician that I am.” He rubs the back of his hand on his shirt like he's polishing his flesh. Laughter radiates from the crowd. “This girl, you see, is a musician as well, and a very talented one, might I add.” He winks in my direction and my heart literally starts beating out of my chest. I swear it's beating so hard that if someone looked close enough they would see it hammering under my skin. “So hoping to speak to her in a language she will understand, I helped him put together a little something for her tonight.” He picks up his acoustic and flings the strap over his shoulder. Pulling up a stool in front of the mic, he grabs another one at the back of the stage and pulls it forward, taking a seat.

  The spotlight narrows down onto Thad just enough that the center stool is not completely visible to the audience. As soon as Thad begins strumming on his guitar, a voice immediately echoes through the mic and the spotlight shifts to reveal Zayne crossing the stage.

  My breath catches in my throat and my entire body trembles under the deep blue eyes that are pinned directly on me. The words of “Stuck on You” by Imagine Dragons echoes through the room full of people.

  It’s the song I played at the music store when Zayne took me to buy my guitar.

  I look from side to side, confusion flooding through me. When I see Em and Alec huddled together to my right, both watching me, I know that they were somehow in on this. Alec gives me a warm smile and
it tells me everything I need to know. He supports this. He supports me.

  I turn my attention back to the stage, not able to keep my eyes from Zayne. I don't know if I’m more shocked that he's here or that he can actually carry a tune. He's nowhere near Thad's caliber, but he's actually pretty good. His voice is deep and smooth and every fiber inside of me lights up under his stare.

  At some point through the bridge, he stands, his voice becoming more confident, his passion so infectious. I swear everyone in the room can feel what he's saying with the song.

  I feel my cheeks blaze red and the small establishment suddenly seems too small. I feel claustrophobic and a bit on display at the same time, even though no one knows who he's singing to. At least I don't think they do.

  As Zayne pulls the mic from the stand and jumps off the stage, women behind me gasp, clearly just as taken by him as I am in this moment.

  He takes two long steps toward me, his movements smooth and controlled. As he closes in on me, the crowd backs away, trying to get a better view of what's going on. As the spotlight follows Zayne, I know without looking that we are the only things visible to everyone in the bar.

  He reaches out and takes my hand, my fingers shaking against his palm as he sings. The emotions behind the lyrics are on full display across his impossibly handsome face.

  I fight the tears welling behind my eyes, but by the time the last word leaves his mouth and Thad's guitar plays its final note, my tears are flowing. I can't control them anymore than I can control the way I feel about the man in front of me.

  I know right here, without an ounce of doubt, that I will never be able to live a life with him not in it. I am addicted, obsessed, and insanely in love all at the same time, and honestly, the feeling is intoxicating.

  “Grace. I never should have let you walk away.” He squeezes my fingers. “But I want to spend the rest of my life making it up to you. You are everything to me. A life without you is a life I don't want to live.” He pulls something from his pocket before dropping down on one knee in front of me.