Gauche the Cellist and Other Stories

by Kenji Miyazawa

  *******************

  "Hey, this is perfect. We weren't as far away from it all as we thought. Shall we go in?"

  "Whoa, this is pretty strange here. I guess we can get something to eat though, right?"

  "Of course we can. It says so on the sign doesn't it?"

  "Then let's go in. I'm so hungry I'm about to fall over."

  The two men stood at the entrance. The entrance, of solid white brick, looked quite magnificent.

  In front of them stood a glass door with the following written in gold:

 

  ALL WELCOME, PLEASE COME INSIDE AND MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME

 

  The two men were beside themselves.

  "What do you think about that, eh? Everything works out after all. Here we've had such a rotten day, but look how our luck has changed. It's a restaurant, but we get to eat for free!"

  "Sure seems that way. That's what 'make yourself at home' means."

  They pushed open the door and walked inside. On the other side was a corridor. On the reverse side of the glass door, in gold lettering it said,

 

  OVERWEIGHT AND YOUNG PEOPLE ARE ESPECIALLY WELCOME

 

  The two men were thrilled.

  "Hey, we are especially welcome."

  "Yeah, we're both!"

  They walked briskly down the corridor, where this time they came to a light blue painted door.

  "This is a very strange house. Why do you think it has so many doors?"

  "This is Russian style. Houses in cold climates and in the mountains are all like this."

  As they went to open the door, they noticed at the top, in yellow lettering, it said,

 

  THIS IS A RESTAURANT OF MANY ORDERS. WE APOLOGIZE FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE

 

  "Gee, they're pretty popular. This far into the woods!?"

  "Sure. Think about it. Not many of the big restaurants in Tokyo are on the main roads."

  　They opened the door as they were speaking. On the reverse side of the door, it said

 

  WE DO HAVE MANY MANY ORDERS SO PLEASE BEAR WITH US FOR EACH ONE

 

  "What are they saying here exactly?" asked one of the gentleman, frowning.

  "Well, what they mean by this is, they have so many orders, it's going to take them a while to get our food ready, so they are sorry about that."

  "Yes, that'd be it. I really want to get inside some kind of room quickly."

  "Yes, and get seated at a table."

  　But to their annoyance there was yet another door. Beside it, a mirror was hanging on the wall, under which was placed a long-handled brush.

  　On the door in red lettering, it said:

 

  DEAR CUSTOMERS, PLEASE NEATLY BRUSH YOUR HAIR AND CLEAN THE MUD FROM YOUR SHOES.

  　

  "I guess that's only reasonable. To be honest, back at the entrance, I didn't think it could be much of a restaurant, seeing as it's in the middle of the woods."

  "They're pretty strict on etiquette here. I'm sure they must get a lot of very important people."

  　They neatly brushed their hair and cleaned the mud from their boots.

  　Then what do you think happened? Just as they were placing the brush back on the shelf, it suddenly vanished in a puff of smoke, and a large gust of wind blew into the room.

  　Startled, the two men huddled together, shoving open the door and rushing into the next room. Both men were thinking that if they didn't get something warm to eat soon, and get their strength back, this could end up becoming a disaster.

  　Something strange was written on the other side of this door as well.

 

  PLEASE LEAVE YOUR RIFLES AND BULLETS HERE.

 

  　There was a black stand beside the door.

  "I suppose that's reasonable, you can't hold your rifle while you are eating."

  "Yeah, they must get really important people coming here all the time."

  　The two men took off their rifles, removed their leather belts and placed them together on the table.

  　After passing through that door, there was another black door.

 

  PLEASE REMOVE YOUR HATS, COATS AND SHOES.

 

  "What do you think? Take 'em off?"

  "Yes, no choice really. There's very important people here, do doubt about it. They must be inside already."

  　The two men placed their hats and overcoats on the pegs, took off their shoes and walked pitter-patter through the door.

  　On the other side of the door, it said:

 

  PLEASE REMOVE YOUR TIE PINS, CUFF LINKS, GLASSES, WALLETS, AND ANY OTHER METAL, ESPECIALLY SHARP OBJECTS

  　

 

  Right next to the door was a shiny black safe with the door open. There was even a key.

  "Oh I see, they must apply some kind of electric charge to the food. That's why metallic objects would be dangerous. Especially sharp objects."

  "Yes, that'd be it. I guess that means we pay here on our way out?"

  "It would seem that way."

  "Yes. That's surely it."

  　The two of them removed their glasses and cuff links and put everything into the safe, and then locked it with the key.

  　A little further ahead was another door, and in front of it was a glass jar. On the door it said:

 

  PLEASE TAKE SOME CREAM FROM THE JAR AND APPLY IT GENEROUSLY TO YOUR FACE, HANDS AND FEET

 

  The substance in the jar looked like dairy cream.

  "Why would they ask us to put on cream?"

  "Well, it's probably because it's so cold outside. If it is really warm in the dining room, we'd get cracks in our skin, so this cream will prevent that. There must be some very, very important people inside. This might be our big change to get close to the aristocracy."

  The two men spread the cream on their face, all over their hands and then took off their socks and smeared it over their feet. But there was still some left over, so both men, while pretending to spread more over their face, secretly ate it.

  After they rushed through that door, there was another message on the reverse side,

 

  DID YOU APPLY LOTS OF CREAM? HOW ABOUT YOUR EARS?"

 

  There was a small jar of cream next to the door.

  "Oh yeah, I missed the ears. That was lucky, I would have got cracks in my ears. The owner of this restaurant has really done their preparation."

  "Yes, they really pay attention to the smallest details. But I have to say, I'm really keen to get something to eat soon; this corridor seems to go on forever."

  Right in front of them was yet another door.

 

  DINNER IS ALMOST DONE.

  WE WON'T KEEP YOU WAITING MORE THAN FIFTEEN MINUTES.

  YOU WILL BE SERVED SHORTLY.

  PLEASE QUICKLY SPLASH SOME PERFUME OVER YOUR HEAD

 

  In front of the door was a gilded perfume bottle.

  The two men splashed some perfume over their head.

  But for some strange reason, the perfume had a strong vinegary odor.

  "This perfume smells like vinegar. What's going on here then?"

  "They've made a mistake. The waitress must have a cold or something and she's mixed them up."

  The two men opened the door and walked through.

  In large letters on the other side of the door, it said:

 

  THERE CERTAINLY WERE A LOT OF ORDERS, WEREN'T THERE? WE APOLOGIZE FOR ALL THE TROUBLE.

  BUT THIS IS THE LAST ONE. PLEASE TAKE A LARGE HANDFUL OF SALT FROM THE JAR AND MASSAGE IT IN WELL, ALL OVER YOUR BODY

  　

  Beside the door was a beautiful ceramic bowl filled with salt, but this time they stared wide-eyed into each other's cream soaked faces, as if this was finally too much.

  "This isn't ri
ght."

  "No, there's something wrong here."

  "That's saying that the many orders, are from them, to us!"

  "That's why, this European restaurant, the way I see it, doesn't serve European cuisine to people who come here; it's a restaurant that serves up people who come here as European cuisine and then eats them. Which... which m...m...m...means, w...w...w...we...we...we are...," chatter, chatter, chatter... the first gentleman was shaking so badly he couldn't finish the sentence.

  "It's us th... th... that's going to g.. g... get.... aahh!" chatter, chatter, chatter... the second gentleman was shaking so badly he couldn't finish his sentence either.

  "Ru.. ru... ru...n" As they stood shaking, one of the gentlemen pushed against the door behind them, but would you believe it, now it wouldn't move an inch.

  Further down the corridor was another door with two large key holes in the shape of a silver knife and fork.

  On the door was written:

  THANK YOU INDEED FOR GOING TO SO MUCH TROUBLE. YOU HAVE PREPARED YOURSELVES EXCELLENTLY. PLEASE COME INSIDE TO EAT.

 

  To top it off there were two blue eyes staring at them through the keyhole.

  "Hyaa!!" chatter, chatter, chatter.

  "Hyaa!!" chatter, chatter, chatter.

  The two began blubbering out loud.

  On the other side of the door, two voices began to speak in hushed voices.

  "It's no good. They've worked it out. I don't think they are going to rub in the salt."

  "Of course they aren't. It's the way the boss wrote it. Why did he have to write There certainly were a lot of orders, weren't there, and We apologize for all the trouble; that was just silly.

  "It doesn't make any difference. He doesn't give us any bones anyway."

  "That may be so, but if they don't come in then we'll be the ones that get in trouble."

  "Shall we call out to them? Let's call out to them. Gentlemen, gentlemen, quickly, quickly, Come on in. Come on in. The plates are washed and we've rubbed the vegetables with salt. All that's left is to mix you both with some greens and put you on a sparkling white plate. Quickly, quickly, come on in!"

  "Yes, quickly, quickly, come on in! Maybe you don't like salad? Shall we light the stove, and fry you up instead? In any case, quickly, quickly, come on in!"

  The two men were in such terrible distress their faces crumpled up like paper, and they stood staring at each other, trembling all over and crying in silence.

  Hew, hew, came the laughter from the other side of the door, followed by more cries of,

  "Come on in, come on in. Why, if you keep crying you'll waste all that nice cream. Yes boss, will be right there. The food is on the way! Quickly, quickly, come on in."

  "Quickly, quickly, come on in. The boss already has on his napkin, his knife is at the ready and he's licking his lips while he waits for you."

  The two men balled and balled and balled their eyes out.

  Suddenly from behind came a great noise,

  "Woof, woof, Grrrr!" and then those two great dogs that were like polar bears, burst through the door and into the room. The pair of eyes in the keyhole quickly disappeared. The two dogs growled as they ran round and around the room. They then barked,

  "Ruff!" at the top of their voice, and jumped with full force into the next door. The door opened with a bang and the dogs flew into the room as if they'd been sucked inside.

  Out of the pitch blackness on the other side of the door, came cries of

  "Meo-o-w…kyee-ya-h…hiss," followed by a loud crash.

  The entire room vanished like smoke, and the two men found themselves standing in the middle of the wild grass shivering from the cold.

  Their coats, shoes, wallets, tie pins and other items were strewn all about the woods, some hanging from the trees, some lying amongst tree roots. The wind howled, the grass swooshed, the leaves rustled, the trees groaned.

  The dogs came back panting heavily.

  From behind, someone called,

  "Gentlemen, Gentle-m-e-n!"

  They quickly came to their senses, shouting out,

  "We're here, we're here, come quick."

  Their guide came wading slowly through the long grass wearing a straw hat.

  Only then did their panic finally subside.

  They ate some dumplings that the hunter brought with him, and then bought a pheasant for only 10 yen before heading home to Tokyo.

  But unfortunately, even after they returned to Tokyo, even after they took a hot bath, their faces, having once crumpled up like paper, never did return to normal.

  THE END

  Buying Mittens

  by Nankichi Niimi