Three Separations

by I J Shur

  Like two trees in a forest, entangled, they fell as one onto the bed.

  “Slow down! Slow down…” Udi breathed in her ear.

  “You’re in charge,” she said softly.

  Udi opened the button of her jeans and slowly took them off of her, making the moment last, like a master chef enjoying a piece of chocolate cake that had just come out of the oven.

  “Okay, come on already, you ugly guy,” she urged. “Are you going to stay dressed until morning?”

  “Give me a minute. I’m undressing,” he said quietly. He grabbed her buttocks with both hands, pulled her body close to his, and closed his eyes.

  This is strange. It’s strange that I hardly know her and…in one moment, I’ll be in her arms and I’ll embrace her, I’ll touch her and she’ll touch me, I’ll learn her body and she’ll learn mine. He wanted to say something, but Rona placed the palm of her hand on his lips, indicating that he should be quiet. She wrapped her legs around him.

  He kissed her on the forehead, on her nose, and on her lips, and then more passionately…her neck, her breasts. She giggled.

  “Are you okay?” asked Udi.

  “I’m yours,” she said. Her body trembled; tiny tears formed in her eyes and trickled down her cheeks.

  “Give me those tears!” Udi gently licked them from her chin.

  Slowly, they came together. Udi tightened his grip on her and kissed her neck.

  “I’m falling in love with you,” she whispered in his ear.

  “Me too, me too,” he whispered back.

  For an hour they lay there, embracing. Her body was on fire, and Udi couldn’t stop stroking her back and her buttocks in wonder.

  Finally, time ran out, and Udi began glancing at the pile of clothes on the floor.

  “Dress yourself,” she said.

  Reluctantly he leaned over and retrieved the clothes, passing hers over as she lay covering her breasts with her hands. He dressed with his back to her, and when he turned around again, she was clothed and checking her face in a small mirror.

  She smiled at him, and he saw the insecurity in her eyes.

  “Come here!” Udi folded her in his arms. “I wish I could tell you how much this means to me.”

  With her nose pressed up against his neck, she whispered, “Even if we never meet again, I want you to know it was special…very special.”

  “So, if you see my number on your phone tomorrow, you won’t hang up?”

  Rona laughed and pushed away from him so she could look into his eyes. “Never!”

  Chapter 12

  As he drove home, Udi argued with and apologized to a million faces that flashed through his mind demanding explanations. One wanted to know if this had been a once-off—something that wouldn’t change anything—and a second complained about the affront to Varda, saying that she had given him her trust just as he had given his to her. A third blessed him for joining the great carousel that never stops spinning, and a fourth tried to arm Udi with a series of lies.

  He gently opened the front door of the house and was horrified to hear Varda still getting ready for bed. He drank a glass of water, took off his clothes, got into bed, and pulled the sheets over his head.

  “How was it?” she asked.

  Udi grunted and closed his eyes.

  As he drifted off to sleep, he remembered something he’d heard long ago: Thoughts have a tendency to intensify in the direction of their choosing. In other words, if a man wakes up in the morning and something small in his heart troubles him, the general direction of his thoughts will be a negative one. That little problem from the morning will grow, and by the time afternoon rolls around, it will become a great source of sadness that can ruin the day. On the other hand, a man who wakes up in a good mood will find himself rejoicing by afternoon, as the thoughts will be flowing in a positive direction that was set on its course that morning.

  When Udi opened his eyes, thoughts of the previous evening’s events were the size of a small tadpole, but as the hours went by, he found himself thinking about and analyzing every word and gesture that occurred in that darkened apartment. Little thoughts that had pecked at his brain in the morning became huge black crows that were eating his insides by the afternoon, and two hours later, he got into his car and drove to the beach.

  When he got there, he leaned his seat all the way back. The noise of the waves did not shut out the tumult of thoughts circling in his mind, and he surrendered to their torture. On the one hand, he felt the euphoria of falling in love with Rona. But on the other, he knew that for all of those magical moments, he would pay a price that would be too high to bear.

  He imagined a river forcefully flowing forward as everything in the world does, and then he saw a thick tree growing in its center. How much power there was in the tree that stood in the middle of the river, using all of its resources to stand strong against the stream rather than for growth and prosperity! How painful that resistance was!

  He could not find the strength within himself to curb his passion and his desire to meet Rona again.

  Chapter 13

  Udi called his cousin Yinon, who was closer to him than anyone. He was a great listener with plenty of spare time, so he was always Udi’s first choice when he needed somebody to talk to about sensitive subjects. He was warm and empathetic, and best of all, he never criticized or judged Udi. They were about the same age, and Yinon was his friend as well as his cousin.

  Varda didn’t like their relationship. She knew that Udi told him everything, and she was not proud of everything that went on between Udi and her. Sometimes, one or two days after a fight, she’d ask Udi, “Well, have you already told your cousin about it? He probably can’t stand me by now, and he’d probably be happy if you got rid of me.”

  “I love you,” Udi would always respond, but a part of him knew that Yinon agreed with most of the complaints he had about Varda.

  “If you love her and you’re having fun, go for it,” said Yinon after hearing the details about Rona. “Don’t think so much about what will be and where it’s going. Just go along for the ride.”

  Udi cut him off. “You’re just making me more confused,” he said. “I can do that all by myself.”

  “Go for it. I’m telling you, what needs to be will be. Keep moving forward.”

  Chapter 14

  A text message interrupted his thoughts. Udi was intrigued, but he resisted the urge to open it until he reached the car. His sixth sense told him that he’d better look at the message when he was alone, instead of surrounded by people at the beach. He was thrilled to see it was from Rona.

  Coffee at the gas station on Cherry Street, fifteen minutes? she asked, and Udi knew that there was no power in the world that would stop him from replying to her.

  As he drove to the gas station, Udi decided that there was no room for games and ego. He knew that he wanted her and that he wanted to see her. He hoped she’d invite him to a mystery apartment, or that he’d invite her and she’d say yes.

  He wanted to be with Rona in bed, embracing her. He didn’t want coffee or the gas station, he didn’t want the sweet conversation and the objections that would carry on until the subject of bed came up. He didn’t want to feel embarrassed when the two of them faced each other while they discussed business dealings and the potential for profits. He knew that they only wanted to cuddle up somewhere, and he thought that there was something beautiful in that, something pure, something primeval.

  Udi maneuvered his car to the corner of the parking lot and searched for Rona. She was parked nearby, and he saw her waving wildly, signaling to him that she was talking on her cell phone. He smiled, got out of the car, and walked quickly into the gas station. After a few moments, he chose a corner table at the station’s coffee shop; he always sat so that he could see the faces of the people coming in.

  A young waitress ask
ed him if he wanted a menu, and he replied that he was waiting for a friend. Why did I say that? he defiantly asked himself. Is it so hard to admit that you’re having an affair?

  A few moments later, the door opened and Rona strode up to the table. She sat opposite him and placed a briefcase, folder, wallet, cell phone, and colorful scarf on the table. She and Udi looked at each other and smiled.

  “Are you ready to get out of my thoughts?” she asked. “I have work to do, and I have a husband. I have children. Get out! Let me breathe! Let me function!”

  Udi looked at her long and hard, and then smiled. “You don’t look like you’re suffering,” he said. “Are you backing out?”

  “Idiot! Of course not! I’m not giving up on you. Forty years in the wilderness and then not taste the pleasures of the Promised Land? Forget it!” She lifted her gaze, and a small, wicked smile lit up her face. For a long moment, her almond-shaped eyes met his. Then she said, “Meet me tomorrow at the graveyard entrance just off the motorway, the one about ten miles out of town. I can’t remember the name of the town, but you know what I mean. Be there at two o’clock.”

  “Are we going to do a reenactment of Romeo and Juliet?” he asked.

  “Silly boy! I’m going to take you somewhere magical. Do you trust me?”

  “Of course,” he hurried to reply. She stood, blew a kiss in his direction, turned around, and left.

  His heart skipped a beat, and in his mind, he was already setting free butterflies in an imaginary wedding ceremony. He glanced at his watch and saw that it was nearly five o’clock. He remembered that at five o’clock, this establishment had a “buy one, get one free” happy hour, so he ordered half a pint of beer.

  “Do you know that if you order one, you get another one for free?” asked the waitress pleasantly.

  “We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it,” said Udi.

  His glance shifted to the large plasma screen above the bar. A girl band shimmied on the screen in rhythmic motions.

  Udi asked questions of the universe: Who at this moment is controlling whom? Who decides on the next steps? Who is tightening the leash, and who is letting go? Who decides that now the answer is yes, and who decides when it is no? Do they have the power or the will to stop? And why stop? After all, we’re getting pulled into an experience that keeps getting better every day, and who knows how far this can go?

  Udi analyzed the players involved. It was clear that Rona was a key player in this little power struggle, and joining her was the tough defender—his conscience. Even his experienced awareness, the one that always asked the unpredictable questions, showed up to participate. His swollen ego too took the opportunity to show up. Alongside them his penis joined in, a body part always good to keep happy.

  After taking a long drink from the second beer that was placed in front of him, Udi knew that there was no power in the world that could keep him away from Rona. He decided to let his thoughts be. He left quietly and drove home calmly.

  Chapter 15

  At home, the sight of his wife’s back as she washed dishes met him. “How was your day?” he asked.

  “Good. And yours?”

  “Mine too. Are the kids home?”

  “Yes,” she replied. “They’re in their rooms.”

  Udi went upstairs and poked his head into the rooms of each of his three children.

  Each responded to his “How are you doing?” with their usual response: “Everything’s fine.” Then he went downstairs to his office. While he was checking his email, he lifted his gaze to the wall above the screen, to a print of Vincent van Gogh’s Sunflowers—a painting that Varda had hung on the wall.

  He examined the picture at length, the twelve sunflowers peeking out of the vase. Like human beings, the sunflowers were presented in varying stages of their lives, at all stages of development, from blossoming to wilting. From a person’s birth through the stages of growth and development, aging, fading, and death, he thought. The longer he stared at the picture, the more astonished he became at how van Gogh had used the entire yellow spectrum, and at how such a seemingly simple painting could become so complex and interesting, involving the consciousness.

  He looked straight into the center of the flowers and saw a Cyclops eye looking back at him from each one. They seemed to be investigating him, suspiciously examining his very thoughts. From the three upper flowers there sprouted red, piercing eyes, from the three bottom ones, embarrassed green eyes. From the one farthest to the left there sprouted an orange eye, its gaze fixed on the horizon, and on the right, there was a sideways eye, angry, not staring directly at the beholder. The sunflowers’ petals broke out in a wild dance. Some stood erect and bent their ears, while others were entangled and furiously protected the dark flower heads, full of seeds.

  The vase in the painting reminded him of the honey pot from Winnie-the-Pooh. Any moment now, he thought, Winnie-the-Pooh himself will waltz into the frame, remove the sunflowers, shove his furry paw into the vase, and pull it out dripping with honey.

  Chapter 16

  At dinner that evening, hands reached out to the center of the table and food was transported to plates. Cheeses and vegetables were temporarily parked on plates that served as pit stops on the way to hungry mouths. Nobody spoke; they just went through the motions of a family dinner.

  “Did you do your homework?” asked Udi, meeting his children’s gazes, lingering on each one for a while.

  “The teacher gives us a lot of homework since she doesn’t want to have to teach the material in class,” said Meirav. “She said that she wastes most of the lessons arguing with the girls. I hate her!”

  Thus ended the conversation.

  When Oren saw that Udi was looking at him, he said, “I haven’t opened my notebooks yet, and I don’t remember what the homework was.”

  “So you had better go right now and get started,” said Udi, looking into his eyes.

  “All right!”

  Both of them knew that he only agreed to avoid a ceaseless argument.

  Udi glanced at Michal.

  “Don’t look at me,” she said defiantly. “This has nothing to do with me.”

  “Why not?” Udi raised his eyebrows at his eldest child.

  “Don’t bother me now,” she said. “I am responsible for my own homework.”

  “I trust you.” He stroked her head.

  When they had all gone up to their rooms, Udi asked Varda how she was doing. She let out a small sigh. “Everything’s okay.”

  “How were things at work?”

  “You know, there’s a lot of pressure. I didn’t even have time to go to the bathroom today. From the moment I got there this morning, they were already waiting for me, and that’s how the entire day went.”

  He wanted to know why her clients mattered more to her than her own self. He said, “So your bladder has to suffer just because a client doesn’t have the patience to wait for five minutes! Why don’t you invite them into your office to sit down, and then ask them politely if they mind waiting for a couple of minutes. They’ll probably understand.”

  “I can think for myself, thank you!” Varda turned away from him.

  Usually, these conversations left Udi feeling frustrated. The solution seemed so quick and easy to him. It seemed as if his wife was suffering for nothing. Sometimes he’d look at her and think that her goal in life was not to find happiness, but pain. For years she had rejected his outreached hand, his attentiveness.

  Udi went back to mulling over his latest insight, that life is simple and that we, as humans, make it so complicated. He understood that the entire situation, as complex as it may seem, would be entirely different if viewed through impartial eyes.

  Udi looked at his wife. “I know that it’s hard for you sometimes. I’d be glad if you made things a little easier on yourself though.”

  Varda looked
at him. “You’ll never understand me. For you, everything’s simple.”

  Udi would have continued the conversation by saying that if he had to choose between her “difficult” and his “easy,” he would prefer the easy, or at least something in the middle, but he knew that the conversation would get stuck in the same place it had gotten stuck a hundred times before. He rubbed her neck for a moment. Varda turned her nose toward him and sniffed twice…and then sniffed again. Udi walked to his study.

  He checked his mail and replied to a few emails. Afterward, he stared at his screen until he felt his eyelids drooping. He shut down the computer and walked up to the children’s rooms to say good night. Meirav was already in bed, her face to the wall. She leafed through a notebook of comments and stickers. Udi sat on the edge of her bed. “Can I take a peek?”

  “Why are you digging? It’s none of your business.” She hugged the book to her chest.

  Udi smiled at his baby. “Anything that has to do with you is my business.”

  “True—except for this notebook.”

  “Ok. Can I have a kiss at least?”

  She wrapped her arms around his neck, and he kissed her forehead.

  Next, Udi went to Oren’s room. He was sitting at his computer, his fingers flying over the keyboard.

  “I take it your homework is done and you’ve found some time for computer games?” Udi was standing in the doorway.

  Oren continued to stare at the screen. “I don’t have any homework. Please don’t bother me—it’s taken me two days to get to this level.”

  Udi leaned against the doorframe and looked at his son. After five minutes, Oren gave a quick glance over his shoulder. “Please, Dad, I have to finish this level. Tomorrow I’ll make up for all of the homework in the world.”

  Udi came up to him from behind and kissed him on the top of his head. “Good luck,” he said.