‘It’s okay. You can go whenever. You could go on your own, if it’s more convenient for you,’ I say, brightly. ‘It runs for a month, doesn’t it, Aiden?’
‘Yep. Plenty of time.’ He smiles and drains the last of his pint. ‘Can I get you both another drink?’
‘No, I’ll get these.’ I get to my feet and squeeze his arm without thinking. He looks at my hand and then up into my eyes, and I get a swirling sensation in the pit of my stomach. ‘Same again?’ I say to James. He nods, and I go to the bar, relieved to put some distance between us all.
There’s a tight knot in my stomach and I feel queasy and tense. Seeing Aiden and James together like this feels all kind of wrong, and I can’t help comparing them. James looks doughy and soft in comparison to Aiden’s strong, straight outline, and he’s so dull in comparison. Although to be fair anybody would be really. It’s hard to compete with someone who’s been around the world and starred in his own documentary series. But still, I thought James’s solidity and dependability would be a greater pull than Aiden’s here-today-gone-tomorrow routine. Clearly, I was wrong.
I don’t want James, I want Aiden. And though it’s not exactly news, it’s frustrating because I know we want different things from life. My job is here, and Aiden’s is in Ireland. Well, for now, anyway. Goodness knows where he’ll head off to after that. I tend to agree with James that Aiden will get itchy feet and be off travelling after a few months. Even if we do the long-distance thing and keep in touch, it’s not ideal. Not if I want marriage and babies and a man that lives in the same country as me.
Plus, he keeps blowing hot and cold on me. I still haven’t got to the bottom of why he’s been so angry and distant with me. And yet, last night he was quite flirty saying I could accompany him to dinner and kiss him whenever. I don’t know what he wants.
I glance over my shoulder to where Aiden and James are still deep in conversation. I’m surprised they get on so well, but I suppose Aiden gets on with everyone. He’d talk to a rock if there was no one around to listen to him. James throws his head back and laughs at something Aiden’s said, and Aiden’s shoulders shake as he laughs too. I smile, but my insides feel raw and uncomfortable as I pay for the drinks. Just as I’m trying to figure out how to carry back two pints and a large gin glass, Aiden appears next to me and takes the pint glasses from the bar.
‘Thought you might need some help,’ he says, standing so close I can feel the heat from his body. He’s taken his jacket off and is wearing a black long-sleeved T-shirt that fits snugly over his pecs.
‘Thanks.’
As Aiden turns back towards the table, I get a waft of his scent and it makes my head spin. It’s not even that strong, but it starts a gnawing sensation in my stomach – a sort of hunger that won’t be satisfied by food.
I sit back at the table and busy myself by putting my purse back in my bag. The conversation seems to flow perfectly well without me anyway. James can’t stop laughing at Aiden’s story of a disastrous train ride across India, and I find myself smiling at the way Aiden’s recounting it.
‘James seems like a nice guy,’ Aiden says when James goes the toilet.
‘He is,’ I say, avoiding his eye even though he’s doing his best to catch mine. Leaning both elbows on the table, he dips his head to try and make me look at him. I sigh and shake my head at him. ‘Why are you here, Aiden?’ I ask.
‘What do you mean? I wanted to meet him. I don’t think he minds, does he?’
‘Obviously not, but I do.’
‘Why?’
‘You know why?’ I hiss.
‘Say it.’
‘Say what?’
‘Say you love me. Come on, admit it.’
‘Aiden!’ I hiss, looking around us to check no one heard. ‘I’m out on a date. With my boyfriend.’
‘Come off it! I’m more your boyfriend than he is. He’s a nice guy, but he’s not for you.’
‘And you’ve just decided that, have you?’
‘Yeah, why not?’
‘Oh, just go, Aiden! Please.’
He stares at me for a moment, then shakes his head. ‘Okay, if that’s what you really want.’ He scrapes back his chair, and my hand comes down on his before I even register what I’m doing. Both of us stare at it before looking at each other.
‘Don’t,’ I say in a low voice. ‘Don’t go.’
He looks thoughtful as he moves his chair back into place. I withdraw my hand but he catches it and holds it gently.
‘Ooh this looks a bit serious!’ James booms as he comes back to his seat. My heart drops into my stomach and I snatch my hand away from Aiden. ‘What’s going on here? Should I be worried?’
‘Not at all,’ Aiden says, cheerfully. ‘I was just telling Orla about some family problem, that’s all. Orla says you’re from Manchester. What are you doing all the way down here then?’
James doesn’t look totally convinced as he settles into his chair. I’m not sure what my expression betrays about my emotions, but James is looking at me curiously, and I feel so guilty I can’t meet his eye.
‘You know what,’ I say. ‘I think I ought to call it a night. I’ve got another long day in court tomorrow and I’m absolutely exhausted.’
‘Oh, okay!’ James looks dismayed as he gets back to his feet. ‘That’s a shame, but I suppose I ought to go too.’ His eyes flick to Aiden. ‘It was great to meet you, Aiden. I had no idea Orla had such famous friends. No one’s going to believe it when I go into work tomorrow and tell them I met you.’
Laughing self-consciously, Aiden shakes his head and gets to his feet to shake his hand. ‘It was good to meet you, too, James. Take care of yourself.’
‘You too, Aiden.’
‘Bye, Orla.’ Aiden presses a kiss to my cheek before turning to go. I’m about to ask where he’s going, but I suppose he doesn’t want to be around when I say goodbye to James. Besides, it will look suspicious if Aiden and I leave together. Not that it really matters now. I’ve already decided what I need to say to James. But when it comes to it, I don’t need to say anything at all.
‘I don’t suppose I’m going to see you again, am I?’ James says regretfully as we say goodbye on the street outside the pub. The rain mists around his head as he smiles sadly down at me, and though regretful, I get the impression he’s not particularly heartbroken.
I shake my head. ‘I’m sorry, James. I don’t think it’s going to work out for us.’
‘No. I suppose not. It’s been an absolute pleasure though.’
‘It has, James. Thank you so much.’
We embrace in the cold damp drizzle as the traffic splashes past, and then I set off in the direction of the tube station, leaving James to wait for his cab. My heart is heavy as I make my way down to the underground station, but I know it’s for the best. I just don’t know what happens next.
Aiden is waiting on the platform. I stop when I see him and watch him for a moment, taking in his sharp nose, and those large, expressive eyes. As if sensing me there, he turns and catches me watching, then jerks his head for me to join him.
‘Well?’ he asks. ‘Are you seeing him again?’
My throat feels too tight to answer him immediately, so I shake my head. Aiden nods slowly, approvingly.
‘What happens now then?’ I say, when I feel like I can speak again.
He looks at me. ‘What do you want to happen now?’
I want to say that I want him to stay in London with me, and we’ll live together, happily ever after. I want to say that I don’t want him to go to Ireland. I want to say that I love him and think I will always love him. But I don’t. Instead, I say, ‘I’m scared.’
‘What of?’
‘Getting hurt again.’
He shrugs. ‘There are no guarantees against that, whatever happens. That’s just part of life, I guess.’
The train pulls into the station, and the rush of air swirls around us, lifting my hair from my head. The doors beep as they slide open, and Aid
en takes my hand as we board the train. We sit close together, our arms and legs touching despite there being plenty of empty seats around us. He keeps hold of my hand, and I can’t help thinking of that day he held my hand in the hospital, despite the fact we were near strangers. It felt right then, and it feels right now. I rest my cheek on his shoulder and close my eyes.
‘I love you,’ I hear myself say, and instead of feeling scared, I feel calm and peaceful, like it was the right thing to say.
‘There now, that wasn’t so hard, was it?’ Aiden kisses the top of my head. ‘I love you too, Orla. I never stopped loving you, and never will stop loving you.’
He runs a finger from my cheek bone to my jaw, and I look up into his eyes.
‘But what do we do? You’re leaving.’
‘I’m only in Ireland. It’s not exactly the end of the earth. You can be there in just over an hour.’
‘Yes, but …’ My voice trails away and I lay my cheek against his shoulder again.
‘It’s not ideal, but it’s better than nothing.’ He slips his arm around my shoulders and kisses my head again. ‘Unless you want to come with me?’
‘I can’t. I have work.’ I fiddle with the hem of his shirt.
He’s silent for a moment. ‘Okay, but the offer’s there if you change your mind. I’m serious when I say I want you in my life, Orla. I know we can make this work.’
I swallow. I want to believe him but I’m full of fear. Admitting I love him after so long felt like jumping off a cliff, and now I’m in the sea with the waves rising above me. Will I swim or be dashed against the rocks? I fear it’s the rocks for me, but I don’t say that. Instead I nod and squeeze his hand.
We’re quiet for the rest of the journey. Aiden sits deep in thought, his fingers entwined with mine. I can almost hear the whir of the cogs in his brain, and I’m dying to ask what he’s thinking about, but I don’t. Instead I keep my head on his shoulder, breathing in his warm, woody scent and wondering if we really can make this work.
My flat feels cold. Colder than outside, in fact. Crossing to the boiler, I press the button to start the heating and peer worriedly at the pilot light to make sure it’s lit. Last winter the boiler stopped working and I had to wear my coat in bed. It had better not do that this year.
‘It stinks in here!’ Aiden wrinkles his nose as he sits down on the sofa, arms stretched out along the back of the cushions.
‘I know, it’s the takeaway next door,’ I say, pushing my hair behind my ears. Now we’re home, I feel nervous and skittish. ‘Some days are worse than others. I’m always paranoid my hair and clothes are going to smell of it. I’d open a window but I’m freezing.’
Aiden glances towards the small window at the end of the room and raises his eyebrows. ‘I’m surprised it opens with those bars on it.’
‘Well, at least I feel safe.’
I expect him to laugh, but he just rolls his eyes. ‘Do you mind if I have a quick shower?’
‘Of course not. Go ahead,’ I say. ‘Would you like me to fix you a drink?’
‘Yeah, go on then.’ He’s already removing his clothes in the doorway to the bathroom. He drops his T-shirt on the floor before pulling off his socks. I’m not sure why he wants a shower when it’s so cold in here, but maybe he thinks the water will warm him up.
I’m also slightly disappointed that we’re not going to sit and talk things through. For someone who’s just got back together with the love of her life, I’m feeling a bit flat. Maybe it’s because of James, or maybe I’m just scared about all the things that could go wrong with Aiden. I know he doesn’t have all the answers and it’s a case of working it through together, but still …
‘Orla?’ I hear him shout from the bathroom.
‘Yes?’ I shout back.
‘Come here.’
‘What? Why?’ I go in anyway. I can see him through the steamy glass, rinsing white foam from his hair. ‘Are you okay?’
‘No, I need something.’ He draws back the cubicle door and peers out at me.
‘What?’
‘You.’ He grabs my wrist and I squeal as he drags me into the cubicle with him.
‘Aiden! My clothes!’
‘It’s only water.’ His hand closes round my jaw and he kisses me, his tongue sliding into my mouth as he presses me up against the wall. The hot water soaks through my shirt into my bra, and it’s oddly sensual.
‘I see you’re pleased to see me,’ I say, laughing between his kisses.
‘I missed you so much, Orla.’ His eyes burn into mine and their intensity makes a white-hot kick of lust seer through me. I’m no longer laughing, just kissing him back with ferocious, desperate need.
He pulls my blouse off over my head and I arch against him as I unhook my bra, all the while kissing him hungrily. He undoes my trousers and pushes my pants down, his fingers exploring between my legs, making me groan against his mouth. Lifting my leg, I hook it around his hip, inviting him in. He doesn’t need asking twice and I find myself lifted and pressed against the slippery tiles before he thrusts inside me. Pleasure radiates up through my stomach and down to my fingers and toes. His mouth’s on my mouth, my jaw, my throat and I tip my face up to the shower spray as the tension builds inside me.
I’d almost forgotten how it felt to be loved by Aiden. We fit together so well. I cling to him, my fingers digging into his shoulders as my orgasm liquidises my muscles and I feel him convulse as he climaxes, groaning into my neck.
He sets me down and we kiss, deep and slow beneath the spray of the shower. He takes the shower gel and squirts some into the palm of his hand before gently soaping my body.
Taking the shower gel, I wash his body too. His sinewy back and his hairy chest and his flat, hard stomach. Even his buttocks are hard. His body is so different to mine, and yet at the same time so familiar. It’s hard to believe he’s been back just a few days. How have I lived without him all this time? And how will I survive when he leaves again next week? It’s a worrying thought, but one I can’t let myself dwell on. Any time we have together is too precious to waste with worrying about what comes next. I know we need to talk about it properly, but for now I want to enjoy being with him again.
Chapter 23
‘If you’re staying in London, do you think we should look for a better flat for you while I’m here?’ Aiden calls from the bedroom. It’s Saturday morning, and I’m looking forward to spending the whole weekend with him.
‘Before Christmas? No, not a good time.’
‘Why not?’
‘I can’t afford it. Besides, I’ve still got goodness knows how many months’ lease left on this place.’
‘You could at least start looking. No point leaving it until just before your lease expires. And you need to check when it does expire, otherwise it will roll over and you’ll be stuck here for another year or whatever. Or, they could throw you out and you wouldn’t have anywhere to live.’
‘Hmm. Yeah, I know.’ I frown at him, pretending to be cross about how practical he’s being, even though a little bit of me is quite cross for him to be asking such serious questions when we have so little time together. ‘Since when does the guy who doesn’t know what day of the week it is give me advice on organising my life?’
He laughs. ‘I got some days of the week underpants, and now there’s no stopping me. Do you still have those knickers?’
‘No!’ I laugh, embarrassed. ‘I have grown-up knickers now that match my bra and everything.’
‘Yeah, I noticed that. Do you want to show me them again?’
‘No! Behave yourself!’
‘Oh, come on. What else are we going to do in this tiny flat?’
‘We could go for a walk somewhere.’
‘We could, or we could go to bed.’
‘Or we could go out for lunch.’
‘Or we could go to bed.’
‘Or we could go to the cinema. Or the theatre. Or ice skating. Or …’
‘Ice skating? What are w
e? Thirteen?’
‘Don’t be silly! Lots of people go ice skating. It’s a lovely romantic thing to do.’
‘Is it though? Really? Can you imagine me on skates? I’d be like Bambi. And you’d be even worse. Remember how accident-prone you are?’
‘I haven’t hurt myself in years! In fact, that summer I spent with you is the only time I ever sprained my ankle or fell in a river or anything.’
‘Yeah, well, maybe it was my influence then. In which case, best not go skating with me.’
‘We’ll do something else then. Something touristy and special seeing as you’re not here very often.’
‘Yeah, you know why I’m not here very often? I hate the place. I hate London. All the noise, all the smells, all the people.’ He tips his head back and closes his eyes. ‘Why are there so many people? It’s exhausting.’
‘Oh no, poor you. Anyway, you’ve been to some of the busiest cities in the world. You left me to go to Mumbai. You sent me a postcard from Tokyo! I’m sure there are plenty of people in those places.’
‘True, but I knew I was only passing through. I feel like I’ve been here too long already.’
‘Charming! Well, we don’t have to go shopping in Oxford Street, you know. We could go back to the park. Look for some of that urban wildlife you’re here to photograph.’
‘The weather’s awful.’
I look towards the rain spattered window. ‘Oh yeah! Well, good weather for ducks. Tufted ducks, even?’
‘Nooo.’
‘So what do you want to do with me?’ I pass him a cup of tea and sit down on the end of my bed.
‘I’ll give you two guesses.’ He reaches for me, pulling me towards him so I’m straddling him.
‘Aiden!’ I protest weakly, white-hot flames of desire are already licking my insides as his hand slides up my nightshirt. ‘We can’t just have sex all the time.’
‘Why not?’
His mouth finds mine, and I forget all the reasons why. I forget everything but the feel of his warm hands sliding into places they have no business being. Maybe this is the best way to spend time with Aiden after all. The parks and the restaurants and the theatres can wait for another day.
The Five-Year Plan: The utterly heart-warming and feel good rom com of 2020 Page 28
