The Case of the Missing Sapphire

by Elizabeth Bent

  * * *

  Diamond unlocked the door to Yukiko’s apartment and peered into the darkness. There was a faint retreating jingle: good, Tinkles was not in the vicinity of the doorway. Diamond gingerly edged her way into the room, flicking on the light as she did so. Would she be ambushed?

  There was no ambush. Diamond closed Yukiko’s front door and tiptoed down the hall to where Tinkles’ food dish and water fountain lay. She switched on the hall light and was rewarded with the sight of a striped gray and black tail tip vanishing into an adjoining room, along with a faint jingling. Boldened, Diamond strode briskly into the kitchen for more water to replenish the fountain, and was not even startled when Tinkles scurried away from her, fleeing into a dark corner of the bedroom.

  She had overestimated Tinkles’ abusive tendencies—Diamond smiled to herself. To think she had been afraid of the little cat! Surely Tinkles was more afraid of her.

  She whistled as she knelt to examine the automatic litter scooper, and spent several minutes puzzling over how to remove the filled waste receptacle. When she looked up, having finally managed to replace the old receptacle with a fresh one, Tinkles was sitting Bast-like in the doorway, regarding her solemnly.

  “Hello, kitty,” Diamond said.

  Tinkles blinked at her.

  She reached out to pat her head and Tinkles backed away, flattening her ears.

  “Are you afraid of my hands? Poor kitty,” Diamond murmured. Really, she was a cute cat. Rotten name, but a cute cat.

  Diamond rose and walked to the living room, looking for twist ties. Tinkles followed her at a distance.

  “Here kitty,” Diamond said, as she knelt and wiggled her fingers at Tinkles. The cat merely sat and blinked at her.

  Diamond looked around—aha! A hand puppet. Perhaps if she put it on, Tinkles wouldn’t recognize her hand, allowing Diamond to pet her. Surely something familiar would be reassuring.

  The hand puppet was made of thin terrycloth, and was shaped like a white cat with yellow eyes and a pink mouth. Diamond pulled it on and made what she thought might be a smiling cat face.

  “Meow,” she said, opening the puppet’s mouth. “Meooow.”

  Tinkles stared at the puppet. Her pupils widened and her tail began to switch.

  “You like the puppet, eh?” Diamond murmured, moving its head around. She made it yawn.

  “Meoooow.”

  She brought the puppet closer to Tinkles.

  “Meow. Aren’t you a nice—”

  Without warning, Tinkles launched herself at Diamond’s puppet-covered wrist. She sank her fangs into the puppet’s cheek, biting through the terrycloth to Diamond’s palm. Her front paws hooked around the puppet’s neck while her back claws began to rake down what would have been the puppet’s body—but was instead Diamond’s forearm.

  “Yaaah!” Diamond shook her arm, trying to dislodge Tinkles, who merely growled and held on tighter.

  “Aaagh! Stop it! Stop—” Diamond gritted her teeth as Tinkles’ little jaw clamped down, digging into the meat of her palm. She grabbed the cat by the back of the neck and pulled. Tinkles struggled mightily.

  For an eight-pound cat, Tinkles certainly was strong. Agent Diamond eventually pried Tinkles off, her hand smarting and her forearm bleeding from several deep welts. Tinkles twisted free of her grasp and leaped to the floor, then scurried off into the darkness beneath an armchair.

  Diamond tore off the hand puppet and surveyed the damage to her hand. No punctures, but her palm hurt like shell and already was beginning to turn an interesting shade of bluish-purple. Blood welled up in one of her forearm scratches and began to trickle downwards, tickling her. She swore.

  “That is the last time I ever try to play with—YAAAH!”

  For Tinkles had darted out from beneath the armchair as she took a step toward the door, and launched herself at her ankles. She was currently clamped around one, gripping with her front claws and raking her foot with her hind ones, making a noise somewhat like an industrial paper shredder.

  Diamond flailed about momentarily, shaking her foot; she then pried the cat from her leg only to have her seize upon her wrist again.

  “Yaaah! Demon cat!” Diamond screamed. She ran toward the front door and, prying Tinkles off once more and holding her twisting in midair, opened it, then tossed the cat toward the center of the living room carpet that lay just behind them. Tinkles elongated gracefully as she landed, touching down with her front paws first. Diamond watched only long enough to make sure she landed safely, then slammed the door shut behind her.

  The apartment, behind her, was silent. Diamond limped toward her car, cursing. Next time she would remember to bring the welding gloves—and wear thick boots, as well.

  She looked over at the apartment complex. There was a ladder angling up to the roof, and the blond man was halfway up it. He had a small satellite dish slung over one shoulder on a strap.

  She took out her phone and snapped a few shots of the mysterious blond man. When he reached the roof, he turned around momentarily, and she was able to get a fairly clear shot of his face. The blond man also spotted her—he scowled, then spat onto the rooftop and turned quickly away.

  Diamond pocketed her phone, and once in her car she spent a few moments emailing the photos to Charming Guy. She waited, but he blond man did nothing that was suspicious—he merely tinkered with his satellite dish, apparently installing it among the several that already festooned the peak of the rooftop.

  Hopefully the face matching algorithm at work would be able to give her a name to go with that strangely familiar face, Diamond mused, and pulled out of her parking space.

  * * *

  Diamond unlocked the door and pushed it open. Today she was wearing heavy pants and thick hiking boots, and a heavy, long-sleeved shirt. She let herself in quickly.

  Quickly, she donned the face shield and heavy welding gloves she had brought with her. It made dealing with the litter scooper problematic, but at least she wouldn’t suffer puncture wounds.

  She tiptoed through the almost completely darkened apartment, holding her breath. A single light was on in one hallway, illuminating Tinkles’ food dish and water fountain, and partially illuminating the dreaded litter box.

  Jinglejinglejingle

  Was Tinkles behind her? Diamond cast a quick glance over her shoulder. No movements in the shadows. She took another cautious step forward—

  “REEEOW!”

  “AAAGH!”

  A grayish blur had run at her, swiping at her calves before running off to the shadows beyond another open doorway.

  Diamond paused, heart hammering.

  “Devil kitty,” she murmured. Well, it wouldn’t take long. In the interest of self-preservation she had decided not to try to play with Tinkles at all, so there was food and water and litter, and—

  Oh, shit.

  She had forgotten about the plants.

  Diamond hurried to the window. There they were, sadly wilting.

  Cursing, Diamond picked up the empty watering can. She heard a faint jingling behind her, and turned to eye Tinkles balefully.

  “You,” she said, her voice echoing strangely in the face shield, “stay there.”

  She quickly watered the plants—the bulbs seemed okay, but she doubted a small vine with shriveled red flowers would make it; she hoped Yukiko hadn’t been sentimentally attached to that one.

  She put the watering can down and made her rounds of the apartment—icky litter scooping, food, water. All the while there was ominous jingling that came periodically from the shadows, but in her protective clothes, Diamond felt safe.

  “Goodbye, devil spawn,” she said, opening the door to leave.

  “REEEOW!!”

  A gray blur shot past her to the outside world, jingling madly.

  Diamond lunged for Tinkles; she caught the small squirming cat, but the clumsy gloves did not allow her to hold Tinkles for long.

  Tinkles ran for the hedg
es lining the yard, and Diamond lunged again, narrowly missing her and landing hard on the ground. Ears flattened and eyes wide, Tinkles ran for a nearby tree. Diamond lumbered after her. Tinkles flowed gracefully from one vantage point to another, up and up the branches of the tree, and over, until—

  “Get down off the roof, you stupid cat!” Diamond yelled.

  Tinkles walked up to the peak of the roof and sat there, her back to the secret agent, tail twitching.

  Diamond examined the tree. The branches would never hold her weight. She spent a few minutes looking and located the ladder the blond man had been using the other day, folded and leaning against the side of the building. She unfolded it and braced it against the apartment complex wall as Tinkles watched serenely.

  Diamond climbed up the ladder, wearing her face shield.

  “Heeere kitty,” she crooned, wiggling her gloved fingers. “Heeere, kitty. Nice kitty.”

  Tinkles looked over her shoulder at Diamond. She blinked, then flattened herself against the roof, focusing intently on Diamond’s fingers.

  “Heeere kitty,” Diamond crooned. She felt her position was becoming increasingly precarious.

  “Hurry up, you stupid cat!” she muttered, wiggling for all she was worth.

  Tinkles tiptoed forward. A little, then a little more—

  “Damn it!”

  Diamond cursed as Tinkles turned and suddenly ran off. She scowled, watching the cat retreat across the shingles to the roof peak with its assortment of satellite dishes with a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. Tinkles blinked solemnly down at her from her vantage point among them.

  “Oh yeah?” Diamond muttered. “One way or another, evil beastie, you are going back inside.”

  She took her gloves off and lumbered cautiously up on the roof.

  I must be insane, she thought.

  “Hey!” a German-accented male voice called up at her. Diamond looked down. It was the blond man.

  “Vat are you doing? Vat you do viz my ladder?” he cried.

  Diamond made a placating motion with her hands.

  “I’m getting a cat down from here,” she called back. “I’ll just be a minute, I promise.”

  She turned back to Tinkles, and saw a small gray tail vanish behind a satellite dish. Diamond sighed and started toward the bank of satellite dishes.

  Behind her, the ladder clattered.

  “Heere, kitty kitty,” Diamond cooed, gingerly making her way across the roof.

  “Vat you do? Get avay from dere!” an angry voice called behind her, and Diamond turned to see the blond man, huffing slightly, heave himself up on the roof. His face seemed so familiar, where had she seen him before—

  In a flash, she realized.

  “Otto von Pseudopod!” she cried, slapping automatically at her waist—but her cuffs and pistol were down in her car. The last time she had seen him, he had been in the evil mastermind Dr. Sinister’s South Pacific island lair. Otto had pulled the lever activating the release of a massive quantity of baking soda into a huge pool of vinegar in the hollow center of the dormant volcano fortress, then followed Dr. Sinister into the escape pod. Luckily, she and Charming Guy had escaped via a large pink helium-filled blimp—but that was another story.

  Otto grinned, evilly. He had a single gold incisor in his large upper jaw, and pulled a pistol with silencer out of his jeans.

  “So ve meet again, Agent Diamond,” he huffed, advancing menacingly. “Zis time Dr. Sinister vill not interfere. Zis time I haff you at my—”

  “REEEEEOW!”

  A gray-furred blur shot out from behind Agent Diamond and launched itself at Otto’s ankles. He yelled, dropped the gun, and teetered on the edge of the roof, circling his arms wildly. Tinkles made a strange strangled growling sound and streaked back toward the dishes, narrowly missing Diamond, who made a grab for the cat but missed. She almost lost her footing.

  Otto stumbled, kicking the ladder away from the roof, and both he and the ladder fell to the ground. Diamond scuttled to the edge of the roof, and looked down. Otto von Pseudopod had tried to kill her before, and he had probably been about to try to kill her just now, so she didn’t feel too badly when she saw he was lying in the grass, out cold.

  Diamond pulled off her protective gear and swatted at her thick pants, looking for her cell phone. Finding it, she speed dialed the first number.

  “Hellboy Pizza,” Charming Guy answered. “If you can tell me what dimension I’m from your anchovies are free.”

  “I have a situation,” Diamond said, looking first at the dropped ladder and Otto von Pseudopod, then at the angry gray and black striped tail of Tinkles as it lashed back and forth. The cat was sitting with her back to Agent Diamond, staring at the bank of satellite dishes.

  “What? Tinkles giving you trouble?”

  Diamond briefly explained what had happened.

  “Please get here as soon as possible, before Otto wakes up,” she said. “I think he’s just unconscious.”

  “Already out the door,” Charming Guy answered. “Also sending Ottawa PD.” He disconnected.

  Diamond sighed, stretched, and looked over at the small angry cat. She put her gloves and face shield back on.

  “Nice kitty,” she said. “Nice kitty.”

  Tinkles gave Diamond a long, cool stare and sauntered away into the bank of dishes.

  “Why are you so obsessed with those dishes?” Diamond asked, and wondered if the cat had found a birds’ nest or something similar. She thought about how it might be to explain to Yukiko that not only had her cat escaped, her cat had eaten a bird and choked on it, and she sighed again.

  “Come on out,” she said, glumly, anticipating attempts at shredding.

  Tinkles’ collar jingled in response.

  Diamond stepped behind the first dish, and paused. There was a package about the size of a golf ball taped to the back of the dish with bright yellow duct tape. It didn’t look like a piece of equipment belonging to the dish—it was clearly sitting on one edge of the back of the dish, not connected to anything.

  Diamond took off her gloves again, then pried the object off the back of the dish. It wobbled slightly as she did so. Was this the dish that Otto had been carrying up to the roof yesterday?

  The object that had been taped to the dish was solid, wrapped in several layers of protective padding, and heavy. She tore open the tape, opened the padding, and was not entirely surprised to see a beautiful blue sapphire, the size of a golf ball.

  “So that’s what Otto was doing up here,” she muttered.

  Tinkles wandered out from where she had been hiding to sit near Diamond’s feet. Nonchalantly, she started licking one paw.

  Anything to keep those paws from swiping at her exposed hands, Diamond thought, pocketed the gem, and pulled on her gloves.

  In the distance, there were sirens. From her vantage point on the roof peak, Diamond could see police cruisers, a fire truck, and a news van complete with antennae.

  “This is your fault,” she said to Tinkles, smoothing her hair, and sat down on the rough shingles to wait.

  * * *

  Diamond, in her bathrobe at home the next morning, opened up her netbook. Red Tinkles-inflicted welts marred her right hand, wrist and forearm.

  HERO CAT SAVES SAPPHIRE, the news page headline screamed. Under it, a smaller caption read, Stolen Gem Returned to Local Museum. There was a large picture of Charming Guy, perfectly dressed and coiffed as usual, holding a serenely purring Tinkles in his arms. The caption ran, “Special Agent Charming Guy holds Tinkles Nakamoto, the cat that found the stolen sapphire.” There was a link to Charming Guy’s television interview, where he described how Otto had stolen the sapphire and had confessed he was planning to pass it on to Dr. Sinister so they could raise money for Dr. Sinister’s new evil plans, involving the replacement of beneficial probiotic bacteria on grocery store shelves with bacterial consortia known to promote obesity. Nothing was mentioned about how the
confession was obtained—a grueling three hours of grilling conducted mostly by Diamond and members of the Ottawa police department. There was also a photo of Otto in handcuffs, and below some text, much further down, was another photo—this time of her on the roof of the building holding her face shield and gloves, and a firefighter climbing up the ladder of the fire truck to reach her. The wind had been blowing and her face was entirely obscured by her unbound hair.

  The caption read, “Unidentified maintenance woman stranded on rooftop where cat and missing sapphire found.”

  Agent Diamond scowled, and put her netbook aside.

  ###

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