The Arc of Love

by Aaron Ben-Ze'ev

  These considerations indicate the obvious: it is easier to be generous toward the unfortunate, or to admire, rather than envy, those who are well above us or far away from us. These people are less likely to demean and threaten our self-esteem.

  Two Types of Sexual Generosity

  The charity (and sometimes, pity) sex with my long-term spouse is not a big deal—a few hugs, some kisses, a very brief act of penetration, and it is all over. Such a small sacrifice for so much gain (making my spouse happy). And then after a few such experiences, it becomes easier and (surprisingly) even somewhat enjoyable.

  A MARRIED WOMAN

  Generosity is very valuable for our well-being and health. Is this also true of sexual generosity? And should we aim to be more sexually generous?

  Sexual generosity has come to refer primarily to caring about the pleasure of one’s sexual partner. The generous lover is often perceived as someone who takes pleasure in giving pleasure—a phrase that is often used with regard to oral sex. In fact, saying “He’s a generous lover” has become code for “He gives great oral sex.” Two major types of sexual generosity within a committed relationship are, then, taking part in undesired sexual interactions with one’s partner, and passively allowing one’s partner to get sexual satisfaction with someone else.

  The first type of sexual generosity concerns the willingness to engage in sexual interactions with one’s partner even when lacking a real desire to do so and with little prospects of enjoying it. Above, I have discussed a few major kinds of such one-sided sex: pity sex, charity sex, and peace-inducing sex. In the second type of sexual generosity, one is more passive, allowing the partner to be active in seeking sexual satisfaction somewhere else. This can occur, for example, in polyamory, open marriages, or when one spouse is unable or unwilling to have sexual interactions. The first type—in which the generous person tries to fulfill the unfortunate spouse’s desire for sex—is more common than the second—in which the fortunate spouse is allowed to be even more fortunate. Somehow, being kind to an unfortunate spouse is easier and feels better than being kind to a fortunate spouse, perhaps because the first is less threatening.

  The moral evaluation of these two types of generosity is complex. The positive and negative consequences of active sexual generosity are more limited. It might temporarily alleviate the situation, as an aspirin does, but it does not substantially improve the overall state of affairs. The negative impact is also minor, as the quote above from a married woman who is involved in active sexual generosity indicates.

  The positive and negative consequences of passive generosity, in which one’s partner is sexually more active, are more complex. In this regard, Berit Brogaard argues that since sexual and emotional satisfaction is a good (possibly intrinsically valuable), “denying one’s partner this value outside of the narrow context of a monogamous relationship is inconsistent with the core feature of romantic love, which is a genuine concern for one’s partner’s agency, autonomy and well-being.”7 Such generosity is common in polyamorous relationships.

  The greater prospects of this generosity relate to bigger risks: opening the romantic field can result in the partner abandoning or reducing attention to the primary relationship. This generous attitude could in many cases, though not in all of them, undermine an essential aspect of love—the unique connection between the two partners. Passive sexual generosity is associated with moral and emotional complications due to the traditional sacred status of marriage and the (probable) increased risk it poses to a long-term romantic relationship.

  Generosity is two-pronged: giving to the other good things abundantly and doing so in a manner that is beyond the call of duty. Being sexually generous is not the same as having sexual affairs. Generosity is giving good things to others, not to oneself. In having sexual affairs, the main concern is one’s own pleasure, not the well-being of others. Generosity involves recognizing the other person’s uniqueness and enhancing it while protecting them from becoming a mere object of one’s own will. Therefore, the issues of sacrificing and caring for the other are central to generosity.

  The major benefit of generosity in romantic relationships is not getting something from your partner but having the two of you establish a positive atmosphere that can nurture a profound, loving relationship.

  Sexual Generosity in Elderly Couples and Those Coping with Alzheimer’s Disease

  That’s what I consider true generosity. You give your all, and yet you always feel as if it costs you nothing.

  SIMONE DE BEAUVOIR

  The issue of sexual generosity is more complex in the context of aging and Alzheimer’s disease. Such circumstances can perhaps indicate future ways of coping with sexual generosity in less stressful circumstances as well.

  John Portmann claims that both aging and Alzheimer’s can transform a romance in the direction of increasing sexual generosity. The unaffected spouse is often required to exhibit both active and passive sexual generosity.8 Having sexual interactions with a spouse suffering from Alzheimer’s can be considered active sexual generosity. Portmann cites research indicating that many ill spouses make incessant sexual demands. However, healthy spouses are often disturbed by the idea of having sex with someone who cannot recognize them. They can feel guilty about withholding sex from their spouse but feel conflicted about granting it. This is a variation of pity sex. Healthy spouses may choose to exhibit the passive sexual generosity of letting sick spouses have sexual interactions with other patients—a common phenomenon, as sick spouses might no longer recognize their partners. This sexual leeway is more acceptable in the case of Alzheimer’s sufferers, because they are no longer their previous selves and are not responsible for what they are doing. Portmann rightly indicates that the notion of sexual generosity does not impose obligation: it refers to favors freely granted, as opposed to earned. Earned favors, he writes, indicate a commodification of sex—the sort of transactions associated with prostitution. Generosity, which is a kind of toleration, should be voluntary.

  The notion of “sexual self-generosity,” which is associated with the popular notion of “self-compassion,” is relevant to Alzheimer’s circumstances. Self-compassion implies self-kindness—being kind to and understanding oneself in times of failures and strife, when harsh self-criticism might arise naturally. Just as you treat another person who has troubles with compassion, so should you be kind to yourself in difficult times. In the case of an Alzheimer’s patient’s spouse, sexual self-generosity means allowing oneself to find romantic and sexual fulfillment outside the marriage rather than waiting for the death of the sick spouse. Portmann argues that this type of sexual self-generosity is far superior to two other major options available to the healthy spouse—namely, deserting (or divorcing) a sick spouse or denying oneself romantic satisfaction. Portmann contends that the sexual generosity required in circumstances of aging and Alzheimer’s should be praised and should lead the way to a redefinition of “fidelity” in regular relationships. Such circumstances could encourage all types of generosity.9

  To sum up, emotional generosity, like other positive attitudes, is often valuable for a good life and for enhancing the quality of a committed relationship. Is sexual generosity valuable as well? All types of sexual generosity, active and passive, are valuable in certain circumstances. In others, their value depends on the dosage: too much sexual generosity can make a relationship toxic, but a moderate dosage can be an antidote.

  Why Do Makeup Sex and Breakup Sex Feel So Good?

  The make-up sex was 10 times more intense than I’d ever experienced.

  TINA NASH

  Makeup sex is wild and extremely gratifying sex that people report experiencing after having had an intense fight. Why, in the wake of having had a bitter fight, is everything forgotten while the couple engages in what many say is amazingly wild and enjoyable sex? And why is breakup sex similarly so exciting?

  Arousal Transfer

  I feel more love during makeup sex because I know tha
t no matter what happened, our love has survived it.

  A MARRIED WOMAN

  Makeup sex is considered by many to be the best kind of sex, and in many cases, worth the fight. Its excitement seems to stem from a transfer of arousal from one situation to another. When we are excited by one stimulus, we are likely to be easily excited by another one.

  We see the arousal (excitation) transfer in Donald Dutton and Arthur Aron’s classic bridge experiment.10 In this study, male passersby were contacted on either a fear-arousing suspension bridge or a non-fear-arousing bridge by an attractive woman, who asked them to fill out questionnaires. Sexual arousal toward the woman was greater in subjects on the fear-arousing bridge. Their fear arousal was transferred to sexual arousal, generated by the presence of an attractive woman. But even without scary bridges, we can see this in action. When we watch certain movies, our anger toward the villain can easily turn into the arousal underlying happiness upon seeing the villain punished.

  Makeup sex excitement can be explained along similar lines. The high arousal state associated with the fight is transferred to a high arousal state during the makeup sex. The great sex that ensues is to some extent due to the change in mood and the relief at reconciliation with the partner, but it is also the result of arousal transfer from the fight to the sexual encounter. Makeup sex takes place after an unpleasant, heated fight with a partner that has created a gulf between the two and threatened the very existence of the relationship; makeup sex then reestablishes their bond in a very tangible manner. As one woman said, “Our relationship is that much more secure after makeup sex, on top of the added relief of being reconnected to my closest companion. It’s a reminder that though we can hurt each other, we’re still there for one another.”

  A similar manner of increasing sexual arousal by transferring arousal from a different state is when one partner acts wildly, and even sadistically, toward the other. Here, the arousal underlying anger and even revenge is transferred into sexual arousal. A subtler manner of increasing sexual arousal is teasing, which involves a gentle and humorous argument (simulating a “fight”) that increases sexual arousal.

  The arousal transfer can arise not merely from negative emotions, such as the anger that prevails during fights, but also from positive emotions, such as enjoying a good dinner together or engaging in other pleasurable experiences. It can also be activated by sexual arousal that is triggered by another person, such as a good-looking neighbor or the protagonist in a movie, and that is then transferred to one’s own partner. As Rodney Dangerfield quipped, “Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing was happening, so I said to her, ‘What’s the matter, you can’t think of anybody either?’”

  Emotions are dynamic and contagious phenomena: they spread easily from one person to another. Thus, when we see a sad person crying, many of us become sad as well. When someone loves us, we are more likely to love that person in return. And when we are aware of a sexually aroused person near us, we can also become sexually stimulated.

  Breakup Sex

  Breakup sex is amazing! It’s really hard to explain till you experience it! Way better than makeup sex!

  AN ANONYMOUS MAN

  Breakup sex is the bittersweet, passionate sex you have with your partner shortly after, while, or shortly before breaking up with them. The exciting nature of “goodbye” sex, the “one for the road,” is due to its unique circumstances: this is the last chance to enjoy sex with each other. As Ted Spiker said, “It’s like the day before a diet. Tomorrow I’ll start, but today I’m going to enjoy one last order of chicken wings.” The sex is especially great when the relationship was basically good, but nonromantic reasons, such as different life plans, force the couple to separate. Breakup sex is flavored by the caring that remains, despite the separation. As Aradia describes her breakup sex, “We’d have one last hurrah and it was a damn great one! What a way to end the relationship! It actually really helped, and it’ll be a nice memory down the line.”

  Because of its terminal nature, people often feel no inhibitions or constraints during breakup sex and behave however they wish, without worrying about the aftereffect or the future. In this moving, but sad experience, people usually do not speak of the bad times and what ruined the relationship; they are immersed in the exciting present, knowing that no future awaits. Nothing is meaningful except the present sexual togetherness. In breakup sex, the excitement stems from experiencing a togetherness that is unconstrained by past and future circumstances. In makeup sex, the excitement stems from overcoming past difficulties and looking positively toward the future. The total lack of constraints is what makes breakup sex (usually) the more exciting of the two.

  The Risks of Makeup and Breakup Sex

  I am an expert in makeup sex and have done it so many times.

  A MARRIED WOMAN

  I’ve never had makeup sex in my life, despite a lot of fighting.

  A DIVORCED WOMAN

  Makeup sex poses its own risks to long-term relationships, one of which is that it could lead to reinforcing fights, or at least not taking fights as seriously as they should be taken. This is particularly true when the fights are violent, as in the case of men who beat their partners. Sometimes, immediately after domestic violence, men force their partners to have makeup sex; it goes without saying how appalling such behavior is. In addition, makeup sex can make it easier for these women to return to their violent spouses as if nothing had happened.

  Consider the true story of Tina Nash, a severely battered woman who stayed with her boyfriend despite his violent behavior. After a particularly violent episode, she returned the next day to pick up her car from outside his apartment, and although he smashed her car up, she took him back. She writes: “We made passionate love that night. The make-up sex with him was 10 times more intense than I’d ever experienced before. He was slow and loving and looked at me like he wanted to own my soul.” A few months later, she lost her sight after he beat her severely.

  Makeup sex is a superficial remedy for fights. The remedy works when the relationship is positive, and the fights are local and limited. In these circumstances, this sex can act like small amounts of poison that boost the immune system. When more profound problems underlie the relationship, or when the amount of poison is significant, such sex can be deadly.

  It is not necessary to provoke serious fights to have great sex, as there is a price to be paid for fighting. Moreover, if a fight is deliberately provoked, the subsequent sex can lose its value as a reaffirmation of love. In addition, as there is no shortage of disagreements, misunderstandings, and fights in enduring healthy relationships, there is no need to artificially provoke them—there is only the need to overcome them in a positive manner.

  Breakup sex can be of value in two main situations: (1) you still like each other and want to remain friends; (2) the decision to separate was mutual. In some cases, the breakup sex can be quite sad and painful. As Scott writes, “My girlfriend took me out on a romantic weekend with the idea of having sex as many times as possible and then dumping me before checking out. It made me very angry and bitter.” For other people, especially those who are no longer in love with their partner, the “goodbye bed” can make them feel sad at being used and for giving in and having a kind of pity sex. As one woman wrote, “It made me feel dirty . . . and I will never do the ‘goodbye bed’ again.” Breakup pregnancy or breakup STD (sexually transmitted disease) can have even worse effects.

  Sex and Eating

  I’ve been eating a sandwich with no mayonnaise, lettuce, tomatoes, or cheese with my spouse. Now I can eat the whole sandwich. My lover is the condiments and veggies, . . . my spouse the meat or stable foundation I’ve had for over twenty-five years! With both in my life, I am satiated but not overly full!

  A MARRIED WOMAN

  Catherine Hakim believes that sex is no more a moral issue than eating a good meal. Accordingly, meeting a secret lover for a casual encounter should be as routine as dining out at a rest
aurant instead of eating at home. In this sense, Hakim is in agreement with those who do not consider sexual desire to be an emotion, but a biological drive like hunger and thirst. In her view, eating most meals at home with our spouses does not preclude eating out in restaurants to sample different cuisines with other people.11

  Scruton rejects the comparison between sexual desire and the appetite for food. He argues that only sexual desire is an interpersonal response involving the perception of another as a person that we do not see as an instance of his kind, replaceable by another substitute. This person is not a means to an end, but an end in his own right. Scruton concludes that what distinguishes sexual desire from hunger is not “the structure of the impulse itself, but an independent feature of those entities to which it is directed.”12 I believe that Scruton is right, and it is mainly the richer nature of the object that makes the essential difference between eating and having sex.

  The richer nature of the object in sexual desire implies some differences in the nature of the subject as well. When considering the basic characteristics of typical emotions, sexual desire emerges as a typical emotion, quite different from hunger and thirst. Like typical emotions, sexual desire is mainly about a human being. Hunger and thirst are feelings, expressing states of deprivation; they are not directed at emotional objects. The role of belief and imagination in generating hunger and thirst is significantly smaller than in sexual desire and other emotions. You can imagine a good meal, but such imagination is no substitute for actually eating it. In this regard, it is said that the ancient Greek Diogenes the Cynic was found masturbating in the public square. When reproached for his behavior, he explained: “I wish I could rub my stomach to satisfy its hunger.” Since a sexual activity involves higher and more complicated psychological activities (such as imagination) than eating does, it can be satisfied by an imaginative substitute.