Bottomed Out

by Brooke May

  “Same here.” I huff. I would love to go back to the carefree days and the pride I used to see in my mom’s eyes whenever she saw me. I haven’t seen that since before my accident and before I left for Australia.

  I overcame being bedridden.

  I worked my ass off to get stronger and beat the odds.

  Why can’t she see that and celebrate that instead of being bitter?

  “What if you track down a video of the crash and make her watch it with you?” Josie and I turn to Nolan. “What? I just thought that if you could find footage of the wreck, which I’m sure is out there, and make her watch it, she would see that it wasn’t Axle’s fault, and she will forgive you.”

  “He does have a point,” Josie adds, reaching to hold her husband’s hand. “Mom never saw the wreck like the rest of us did. I’m sure if we all forced her to, she would realize how stupid she has been.”

  “It is a good idea.” My mind is now spinning with how I’m going to locate the footage. I can’t ask Axle because he would have issues about seeing it too. He already has continuing nightmares of the whole thing. Maybe his parents have something, or there is always the internet and YouTube.

  “I’ll help you look.”

  “Thanks, Jos. I’ll do my own digging as well.”

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  With my mind spinning with thoughts of whom or where I might be able to find good enough footage of the wreck, I headed home.

  The only thing to sideline those thoughts was my desperate need for a haircut. I’m done pushing it off my afce. When it keeps falling into my face, no matter if I have the a/c going or the windows down, I’ve let it go for far too long, and now it is to the point of annoyance.

  By the time I get home, I expect to see Axle in the apartment, but he isn’t what greets me.

  Closing up my van, I wheel around to the path that leads to the front door and stop, my wheels gliding through my loose hands.

  “What in the ever-loving fuck?” Never in a million and one years would I have ever thought to see something like this grace our apartment’s front door that didn’t belong to Levi. I know this doesn’t belong to him. He may have a whole hell of a lot of money, but even he wouldn’t spend this kind of money on a bike.

  My head cocks to one side as I force my hands to push me closer to the magnificent bike parked by our front door. My hand trembles as I reach out to run it over the small seat and the tank of this Aprilia RSV.

  It’s a nice bike, but what baffles me the most is that there is no doubt it was Axle who drove this here. Len dropped him and Paige off last night with no way of him getting back unless he called Levi or me or received a ride back down from Paige.

  Losing myself in my admiration of the bike, I forget about finding a video or cutting my hair for the time being. An ache morphs in my chest, shifting as though it was a living thing in there, ready to burst out at any moment to let the entire world see how much it still tears me up inside.

  I feel insanely jealous of my friends who still have the use of their legs to be able to straddle a machine like this, and then my jealousy toward Axle turns to anger and frustration. I would give anything to ride again, and he denies his love of it.

  I can’t think that way, though. I’m past all of it and have moved on with my life in the best way I have found I am capable of. If Paige managed to get Axle onto the back of a bike again as well as have him ride it, then I need to be overjoyed for my friend overcoming something he has been so adamant about never doing again.

  “Please tell me you aren’t getting a boner for this?” Startling me, my upper body moves enough in my chair to make it look like I actually jumped. “What the fuck, Levi?”

  I don’t make a grab for my chest; it will do no good to settle my racing pulse.

  “Sorry.” He holds up his hands in defense. “I thought you heard me pull up.” Walking around me, he takes in the sight of the bike just as I had done. “It’s safe to say that it wasn’t you who brought this home?”

  “Right.” Backing up, I head to the door.

  “She must be some woman to convince him to ride again.”

  “It isn’t a dirt bike, but it is something.”

  “I can’t argue with that.” Letting himself in after I wheel over the threshold, Levi goes straight to the living room to set up for possibly the only reason he is here.

  To play video games.

  The pipes are gently singing in the walls, signaling Axle is in the shower. He probably spent some of the day with Paige, off riding somewhere while I went on to Josie’s house so Ruby could show me her new swing set in their massive backyard.

  Nolan insisted that I stayed for a late lunch, and that is why I’m returning home right now in the early evening. While I was there, I should have just had Josie cut my hair because now I have to wait until Axle is finally done in the bathroom.

  Instead, I see myself to my room to change and return to the living room just as the shower stops and the sound of whatever game Levi picked out plays. Taking the opportunity to talk to him about the footage while Axle is still in the bathroom, I glide over to where I normally set up whenever we watch something. Unlike other times, I don’t pull myself out of my wheelchair for my armchair.

  As much as I love giving my ass a break from the seat to avoid sores, I don’t plan on staying in here long enough to justify taking the time to move.

  “Levi?”

  “Yeah?” He doesn’t look at me as he focuses on the screen where he is customizing his avatar. I don’t even pretend to understand any of it. I’m not one to play these games; I just watch them.

  “You know how I’ve been having issues with my mom?”

  “Of course, did she act up again?”

  “You could say that.” Scrubbing the back of my neck, I fall back in my seat. “Nolan gave me an idea of looking for footage of the wreck to show her. Do you think you could help me find some?” He was there, so maybe he has something stored on an old phone.

  “Yeah, I saved all the race footage I ever took of any of your races or mine, so I’ll take a look.”

  “Thanks. I would greatly appreciate it.”

  “No problem.” He nods, never taking his eyes off the screen.

  Silence descends on us only to be interrupted when Axle enters the room. I want so badly to bug him about the bike outside, but I don’t really want to push him back on the steps he just made today.

  I may have to track Paige down and tell her thank you.

  “Wipe that shit-eating grin off your face.” Axle’s body falls onto the couch like a toppling tree before he bends forward and picks up the other controller from the coffee table.

  “I didn’t say anything.” Lifting my hands, I try to play on my innocence.

  “You didn’t have to.” He grumbles while Levi chuckles. “Yes, I got on a bike today. Just leave it right there.”

  I don’t wait for him to add a please at the end of his statement, that isn’t his style.

  “I wasn’t planning on it.”

  “Thank you.” Activating his controller, silence aside from the game hits us until, out of nowhere, Levi snorts in disgust.

  I know it has nothing to do with the game, and since Axle isn’t keen on asking what his deal is, I do.

  “What?”

  “Both of you have paired off.”

  “So? Nothing will change.”

  “It will.” Levi shakes his head. He isn’t a fan of relationships or change. “It already has.”

  “I told you not to mention it.” Axle finally snaps, knowing full well that Levi is talking about his little improvement with something on two wheels.

  “I didn’t specify.” He fires back. “But I’m happy for both of you.” He sobers. “Both of you desire someone who sees you.”

  “Getting all deep on us now?” I tease, but I really like hearing him say this. Len makes me happy, especially since she sees who I really am and couldn’t care less if I had functioning legs or not.
/>   “Oh, fuck off.” He blows out. “Besides, it is only a matter of time before you both get pussy-whipped.”

  “Fuck you,” Axle and I respond together, and he laughs.

  “You two have fun with your game. I’m going to cut my goddamn hair finally.”

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Me: I know we said we would keep this from Owen, but will I get a chance to meet your parents?

  Setting my phone down, I begin to twiddle my thumbs. Now that my two events are done, I have a little bit of a break before I need to get going on the next.

  This is a dull time for me.

  Pretty boring at the moment because I’m not the only one who is an event planner. There are four others. We typically focus on different motor sports, but since motocross season is just now kicking off, there isn’t much for me to do.

  For once, I’m okay with that because I have been texting Len throughout the day. I’ve also been doing some research that isn’t work related. Aside from probing into the depths of internet and YouTube for any footage of my wreck, I’ve had another tab open to look into any information I could possibly find about racing quads with my lack of any feeling in my legs.

  I must not be putting the right words in my video searches because I have yet to find anything close enough to my wreck. This baffles me. I thought with a wreck of that magnitude there would be something somewhere. Shit, smartphones were out then, so someone had to have had videoed and posted it. This simple task just became a great deal harder than I originally thought.

  I hope Levi can pull something up.

  Closing down that search, I turn my focus back to my other search as well as refreshing my email. My next event isn’t for another month and a half, so now I’m just running ads for the company.

  Like I said, not much fun.

  Unlike my research for the footage, my examination of the possibilities of me being able to race any form of machine again is far more fruitful. Leaning into my screen, I read over the article once more. I was always more of a fan of racing on two wheels, but if I need to add a couple more to ride, then so be it.

  My phone chimes, pulling me away from my plotting.

  Len: Maybe someday. What about yours? We aren’t hiding from any of your family members, so when can I meet them?

  An odd mixture flutters into my chest. I honestly don’t like keeping the fact that Lennox is my girlfriend from her brother. I don’t give a shit if he tries to beat the crap out of me when he finds out. I knew sending her the text asking if I could meet her parents was a long shot. They probably wouldn’t keep something like that from Owen and possibly not know what kind of hell Owen could rain down on Len.

  No, it is probably for the best right now, even if I don’t think so.

  The other part of me longs for her to meet my parents. At the present moment, if she were to meet them, my mom would not make a good impression. My dad would be pleasant, but I doubt she would get the greatest impression there either when he doesn’t keep my mom in line.

  Me: Maybe someday. My reasons are completely different, though.

  I would love nothing more than for us to get to know one another’s families. I know Len would get along perfectly with Josie, Ruby would love her, and I do know my mom would love her if she weren’t being so stubborn.

  Len: Glad to know we both have our own baggage. ;)

  I can’t help but snort out a laugh.

  Me: It just means we can have time to ourselves for now.

  Len: I like the way you’re thinking.

  Putting my phone down, I check my email and then turn my attention back fully to my search.

  It is difficult to admit that I will never be able to get on a bike again. Up until now, I hadn’t put much thought into it. After doing my best in rehab to walk again, I resolved that I would never be able to walk or ride again, even if I had the fanciest of braces binding them.

  But now, looking into all of this, I realize it more than ever. Motocross is most certainly out for me, but there may be something in quad racing.

  I still have my gear, at least the sets that weren’t ruined in the wreck and were cut off my injured body. I would have to increase my workouts to build more muscle to help support my weight in the turns and jumps since I won’t be able to rely on my legs. This means I’m going to have to tailor my exercises and possibly dig out the hand crank bike Josie and Nolan got for me last year to increase my cardio.

  That won’t be too bad.

  I know I can pass any physical–for the most part–that I would have to go through to be cleared to ride.

  “This doesn’t look like work, Jax.”

  “Shit!” Flying away from my screen, I dart up to find Michelle leaning against my side, looking at my computer as well. “What the hell, woman?”

  “Chill out.” She bats at my arm. “You have been awfully quiet in here, so I thought I better come in and check on you.” She turns and sits against the side of the desk. “And now I see why.” She nods to my computer.

  “I was just …” Shit, how am I supposed to explain this? No one knows about this yet, aside from Levi planting the seed, but he has no clue that I am taking it seriously.

  “It looks like you are thinking of getting covered in dirt and mud once more and having something rumbling under you.”

  “This is why I keep you to myself; you know me so well.”

  Her smile is warm, and thankfully, it isn’t filled with pity I see in far too many faces of others who know I miss racing.

  “I think you should go for it.”

  “I think I am.” Pinching my bottom lip between my finger and thumb, I pull on it. “I need to start getting a game plan together.”

  “I’m here if you need me, boss.” Patting my shoulder, she leaves me to my own devices.

  Chapter Thirty

  Levi thinks I should go for it.

  Michelle thinks I should go for it.

  Hell, I know I’m going to go for it.

  The more I visited with Michelle after she came in with our lunches, I had a great plan formulated to get myself going.

  And I’m going to succeed.

  My first step is to increase my workouts. I need to improve and work harder while staying focused on a strict diet to bulk up. This brings me to the gym; the cool air giving my sweating body a slight chill rippling up and down my spine, music blaring into my ears where the headphones wrap around them, and my mind going crazy with replaying every single step I need to take to get back into racing.

  I am completely lost in my tasks that I don’t even take the time to see if Owen ever shows up or if Len is even with him. And normally, I’m extremely aware of the fact she is near, but all those buzzing sensations I have when she is close aren’t going off at the moment.

  An excitement courses through me at the prospect of what my new goal is. I like to think that the delight is also surging in my unfeeling legs as well. But I do want to see Len. I couldn’t bring myself to text or even call her with what I’m planning on doing. I’d much rather tell her face-to-face and hope that she will be as happy for me as I know my friends will be.

  Even Axle.

  The man may not want to be on the back of a bike again–well, until recently—but he wouldn’t get in my way to go after what I want. He would be there to support me and be the loudest in the crowd cheering for me when the day finally comes that I can race again.

  But first comes all the other steps.

  I’m going to need to get a quad to start training on. It will have to be modified for my legs, a brace to keep them on maybe but will also be easy for me to escape when and if I need to bail.

  I will also have to start searching for sponsors. I could always get a hold of my old sponsors; I’m sure a great many of them will be willing to sponsor me once more. Double X would definitely want to back me.

  My last parts will possibly be my difficult ones. I’m going to have to prove to an insurance company that I am worthy of carrying and would not be
a risk to them or myself.

  That will be tricky.

  The next would be getting into races. The only way I will be able to prove myself is to ride, which I plan on doing as soon as I am capable of it. But wheeling up to men who I–at one time–would have been eye-to-eye with and asking them to put in me the ranks is going to feel a little odd, maybe some amount of embarrassment will be involved, but I can eat my humble pie like anyone else and just ask.

  I won’t take being laughed at or looked down upon, so to speak, and they will allow me to race.

  As I list all of this off in my head over and over again, matching my repetitions and breathing, it sounds easier and easier even though I know it won’t be. Proving myself when I was young on the back of a bike was one thing; I had two legs then and talent that not many around me possessed. Starting all over again is going to take time and proving myself twice that. I will be skilled and seasoned far beyond my abilities, but I’m not going to let that get me down.

  Forcing a breath out of my lungs, I push the slightly heavier weights over my head for one final time just as a zap of familiarity strikes me.

  Arms ended with weights drop to either side of me on the bench I moved myself to after I grabbed the dumbbells. I didn’t think this through. I should have remained in my wheelchair because now my arms are almost completely worn out to lift myself back into it.

  But that thought doesn’t matter too much right now.

  Rolling past me with a severely angry scowl on his face, Owen doesn’t pay me one iota of attention, but it isn’t him who I’m looking at.

  Several paces behind him trots the woman who has captured me completely, who is starting to wrap her hands firmly around my heart, and she’s smiling brightly in my direction.

  “Hi,” she mouths just before she blows me a kiss and vanishes off to whatever backroom. Owen is planning on using tonight. I’m kind of hoping he is going to head straight to the massage therapist and be there for the foreseeable future so his sister can leave his side.

  Maneuvering myself back into my chair, I wheel off to my next workout and push myself for another hour before I’m almost too exhausted to move. I see Owen pass me a couple of more times before he vanishes once more.