All I Want For Autumn

by Clare Lydon

  Holly’s vision swayed. “I was?” Her voice had gone all croaky, like it’d been chopped up, then reinstalled at a wonky angle. The walls were making her think of the blancmange she used to eat when she was little. It was meant to taste of vanilla, but it just tasted off-yellow.

  Sarah nodded. “Internal issues. You were rushed up to theatre just after you were brought in. For that and then for your leg.”

  “And how many hours ago was that?” Holly was trying to piece it all together, but she still couldn’t. The last thing she remembered was getting home from Brighton and that could have been in a different decade.

  “About two days.”

  Holy shit — no wonder she felt out of it. “And I’ve been unconscious since then?”

  Dad shook his head. “In and out, but you’ve never been able to speak before.” He reached out and stroked her arm briefly. Dad was still learning to be tactile after a lifetime of standing back. “You gave us all a real fright back there.” He exhaled and ran a hand over his receding hairline. “Do you remember anything about what happened?”

  Holly tried to conjure something up, but she was drawing a blank. “Nope,” she said, eventually.

  “You were knocked down on a zebra crossing — a hit and run. Tori saw the whole thing — she’s quite shaken up.”

  Holly scanned the room again, not moving her head any more than she had to. She had a vague nagging pain everywhere, but that was also offset with a spaced-out feeling: she guessed that was the drugs. When she glanced down, she saw her leg was encased in spirals of metal. It didn’t look good.

  “Where is Tori?”

  “Gone to get some food — we told her to go,” Dad replied. “And now she’s going to be really mad because you woke up when she wasn’t here. She’s been at your bedside since this happened.”

  Holly’s stomach flipped, which was all kinds of painful, but she didn’t care. Tori had been there the whole time, by her side, which warmed her heart from the inside out. She wished Tori was here now, too. “Two days,” she repeated. “But am I going to be okay?”

  “Lolly!” Elsie interrupted, grabbing Holly’s arm with her outstretched hand. At three years old, she seemed to be just that little bit taller every time Holly saw her, and today was no exception.

  “What is it?” She tried to inject her voice with normal toddler enthusiasm, but she didn’t quite pull it off.

  “I got crisps!” Elsie said, proudly holding up her bag of Wotsits.

  “Aren’t you lucky?” At the smell of the cheesy puffs, nausea rolled through her. “Am I going to be okay?” Holly directed that at her dad.

  He nodded slowly. “You will be, but you won’t be up and dancing in the next month or so. But you will be eventually, and that’s the main thing.” He sighed. “I should call your mum and let her know — she only left ten minutes ago, she might want to come back.”

  Chapter 5

  When Holly woke up again, Tori was in the chair beside her, reading a women’s magazine. Holly’s dad, Sarah, Elsie and her mum were gone; now it was just her and Tori.

  “What time is it?”

  “Evening, sleepyhead,” Tori said, getting up and giving her a kiss on the cheek. Holly’s skin looked paper-thin, almost like she could lean over and rub it out. Tori checked her watch. “It’s just gone eight — your family only left a while ago and with a little persuasion. They’ll be back tomorrow.” Tori guessed that was protocol, but she wished she could have Holly all to herself: she wasn’t used to this much sharing.

  Holly gave her a faint smile. “And what have you been doing?”

  “Catching up on essential worldly gossip,” Tori said, holding up a copy of Yours magazine. “Did you know there are still nearly 25% of women yet to have a proper orgasm? Isn’t that incredible? What have they been doing with their lives?”

  Holly smiled, but it was the smile of someone in pain. “Did you steal that from somewhere?”

  “The waiting room.”

  “You better put it back.”

  “I will, once I’ve filled up on all the stuff I never knew,” Tori said with a smile. She pulled her chair closer to Holly’s bedside, her gaze never leaving her girlfriend. “So, your first day awake and surrounded by family. How’s it been?”

  “Tiring.”

  “I guessed it might be,” Tori said. “Still, better than the alternative.”

  “Being dead?”

  “That’s the one.”

  “That might be less painful.”

  “For you, maybe.” Tori kissed Holly’s hand. She went to say something, then stopped and sat back down in the chair.

  “What?”

  Tori shook her head. “Nothing.”

  “You were going to say something, so spit it out.”

  Tori hesitated again, before letting out a long breath. “It’s just… when I was kneeling over you in the street, I really did think that was it. You were so still, and you looked so… crushed.” She paused, eyeing Holly. “And then I thought about all the time we wasted being with other people, all that time we weren’t together.” The feeling came back to Tori now, landing on her emotions like a paving slab. She clutched her heart, winded all over again, just like the first time.

  She never wanted to feel like that again. Ever.

  “You can’t think like that,” Holly replied. “And anyway, you don’t get rid of me that easily.”

  “You know what I mean. You can’t make me fall in love with you and change my whole world, and then get run over.” Tori was joking, but the emotion behind the words almost choked her. “I just don’t know what I’d have done.”

  “It wasn’t planned.” Holly gave her a tired smile.

  “I know,” Tori said. “I just never want to be in that situation again. You’re too precious to me. So no more accidents, okay?”

  “Sure, I promise.” Pause. “That goes the same for you, too.” Holly closed her eyes briefly. “Do I look a state? I must look a state.”

  Tori shook her head. “You look gorgeous.” And she did, even though she was understandably drawn. She was still Holly, her Holly. She was a portrait of pale beauty, but Tori didn’t think she’d appreciate being told that.

  “You have to say that.”

  “True.”

  “I need a shower and I need to wash my hair.”

  “I’m sure they’ll sort that out tomorrow.”

  “I hope so.”

  “Trudi and Shauna texted by the way — they’re going to stop by and see you tomorrow after work, I told them it was a bit crowded today.” Tori paused. “And Sal’s been brilliant with work. Told me I could have the days as compassionate leave, and it was so nice of her to send that bouquet — she didn’t need to. I’ve already told her I’m going to enter her into the World’s Greatest Boss competition.” Tori nodded towards the giant seasonal bouquet sitting alongside a box of Roses, a bunch of grapes and a bottle of Orange Lucozade. All the hospital essentials.

  Holly’s face didn’t have much colour, but what was there suddenly drained. “What about Gordon? Have you heard from him?”

  Tori nodded, her face grim. Her boss might be sending flowers, but she wasn’t expecting the same treatment from Holly’s boss, who wasn’t big on people skills. “He was very Gordon — concerned to a point, but then expecting you back in the office this week.” She paused. “I filled him in on the extent of your injuries and your recovery time, but he didn’t say much.”

  “You should go back to work, though. I don’t want two annoyed bosses.”

  “I’m going in tomorrow, and Sal said I can work flexibly, so long as I can make my meetings. Your mum’s owed some time off, too, so she was going to come in, but I told her to save it till you were home — you might need more looking after then.”

  Holly furrowed her brow. “How long?”

  “Till you’re healed?”

  Holly nodded.

  “At least three months, maybe longer. You broke two bones in your left leg, cracked
a couple of ribs and put a tear in your liver, so you need to give it all time to heal. And you were lucky with your pelvis — it’s bruised, but nothing broken. That’s unusual: apparently broken pelvises and traffic accidents normally go together like tequila and hangovers.”

  “Nice analogy.”

  Tori grinned. “It wasn’t bad, was it?”

  Holly glanced down the bed. “You might say I’m lucky, but I don’t feel it,” she said. “And now my mum is going to be my nurse?”

  Tori nodded, before kissing Holly’s hand. “It’ll make your mum feel better, and you will need looking after.” Tori kissed her hand again and Holly took a sharp intake of breath.

  Tori’s face dropped. “What is it?”

  Holly shook her head slowly. “Even kissing hurts,” she said in a whisper.

  “I hope the accident hasn’t made you allergic to me.”

  “I think it’s made me allergic to everyone and everything.” Holly sighed. “I still can’t believe someone would hit me and then just drive off.”

  Tori shrugged. “I know. But don’t worry about that — just concentrate on getting well again. We’ve got our Christmas party in four months and I’m expecting a slow dance.” She paused. “Remember last year?”

  Holly smiled. “Of course I remember last year.” She glanced downwards. “Can you scratch my little toe for me? It’s driving me mad.” Her foot was poking out of her scaffolded left leg, currently encased in what the hospital had told her was an external fixator. When Holly had first seen it, her face had turned white: she currently had metal pins and plates in her left leg, all held in place with three metallic circles around the outside of her leg. “I wish I’d remembered to paint my toenails before I got run over.”

  “I’ll buy some garish polish for you,” Tori said, watching Holly’s satisfied face as she scratched her itch.

  “I don’t even have a cast to sign — that’s a bit sad, isn’t it?”

  “You don’t. But you do look like something from Frankenstein’s workshop, which is kinda cool, isn’t it?”

  “I can’t look at it too long, it freaks me out, all that metal sticking out of my leg. It’s like a year 10 metalwork experiment gone wrong.” Holly shuffled up the bed, trying in vain to get comfortable. “How long will I be in here?”

  “They weren’t sure. The consultant should be here in the morning to tell you. I brought your charger and phone in, so text me in the morning when you know.” Tori pointed to her bedside table. “It’s all in there.”

  Holly gave her a smile. “Thanks, babe. But I really wish I was coming home with you.”

  Tori sat up straighter, flexing her shoulders. “I wish you were, too.”

  “But you know one thing: this is going to give me a chance to reassess my career, think about what I really want. I know I’ve been a bit grumpy lately with Gordon and everything, but maybe this is a sign to change direction, stop doing what I’m doing.”

  “Maybe it is.”

  “So I’m going to put the time to good use: I’m going to come out of this fitter, stronger and more determined than ever.” Holly gave Tori a defiant nod of the head.

  Tori simply smiled. “I like your thinking, but just in case you get bored of planning world domination, I brought in the iPad so you can watch some films. I loaded up all the classics: Finding Nemo, Dirty Dancing, Legally Blonde.”

  “And you’ll come back tomorrow?” Holly’s face was forlorn.

  Tori squeezed her hand. “I’m here till they throw me out tonight, and I’ll be back tomorrow. And your dad and Elsie are coming back tomorrow during the day. You won’t be short of visitors, okay?”

  Holly gave her a weak smile. “Okay.”

  Chapter 6

  Holly had been back in their flat for nearly a month, her mum having done her Florence Nightingale act and now flown the nest, back to her own house and life. Holly was happy to be alone again, with space to think. By the end of the two weeks, the sound of her mum’s voice had begun to grate on her like fingernails down a blackboard, but it wasn’t her mum’s fault. It was weeks since the accident and her plan to get fit and take over the world hadn’t quite transformed into reality.

  She’d said as much to Tori the night before, but her girlfriend had told her, with the utmost patience, to just concentrate on getting better, before making her yet another cup of tea. Holly wasn’t being an easy patient, that much she knew; her ribs and liver were pretty much healed, but her leg was a different matter, with wounds needing to be cleaned daily and injections administered. And the one thing Holly hadn’t been prepared for was the pain that had followed her around ever since the accident. She’d always thought once a leg was set, that was it, but no: the mending pain was constant, day and night.

  Two things had kept her sane. First, Tori, who’d really stepped up to the mark. Since the accident, she’d cajoled, cleaned and even cooked a few basics; in fact, she’d been the epitome of a caring, considerate girlfriend, something Holly hadn’t told her how much she appreciated. Second, their ginger tomcat, Valentine, who was always on hand to pep her up, seeming to know the right thing to purr and do. Tori had been concerned his fur would get into Holly’s exposed wounds, but Valentine seemed to know not to get too close, and he’d been a faithful companion while Tori was at work.

  Thankfully, the weather had calmed down, too, with temperatures cooling, fresher winds wafting in and blackberries appearing on the bushes down by the train tracks. If it’d still been a full-blown heatwave, Holly might have imploded

  She clicked on her email, her eyes heavy. She was finding it hard to concentrate. Even though her mind had adjusted far more easily, she was still waiting for her body to catch up and she was getting impatient. As if sensing that, Valentine jumped up on the sofa and lay beside her, pressing his ginger fur into her arm. Holly stroked him and he wriggled his torso in response.

  There was another email from Gordon, as if she didn’t already feel bad enough about work. She’d had to pass on a major client project because she didn’t have the strength to cope right now. Gordon had been understanding to a point, so she’d told him she’d help out as much as she could elsewhere. However, now he was bombarding her with questions and requests. Not for the first time that day, his email was tagged with a red ‘Urgent’ label.

  Holly clicked on it, narrowing her eyes as she read it — a list of requests with impossible timings. She’d never get it all done by morning, not even if she stayed up all night. Not for the first time, she wondered if Gordon was setting her up to fail. His workloads for her and her team before the accident had been crazy and unobtainable, and despite Holly’s brush with death, he clearly wasn’t prepared to relent one bit.

  Tea: that was what she needed. Perhaps a coffee as well. And then a shot of intravenous caffeine for good measure. She grabbed her crutches, clutched the handles firmly, then slowly levered herself upwards, swearing as her whole body groaned at the effort. She hobbled to the kitchen and flicked on the kettle, assessing the latest train to go by their main window. She’d give anything to be on that train, anything to be out of the flat and to feel the cool air on her skin. But to go outside meant to be jostled by other people, and that was one thing she wasn’t ready for. Plus, to go outside also meant coming face to face with the crossing where the accident had happened.

  She wasn’t ready for that, either.

  The police had traced the car, but it was a stolen vehicle: the plates were fake, and the driver had long since disappeared. So Holly had been the victim of a hit-and-run car driven by a criminal. She’d read about such things happening in the news, but she never thought it would happen to her. She was glad she didn’t remember anything: just the thought of it was enough to wipe the breath from her body.

  She stirred her tea, then filled a jug with cold water, before pouring it onto Tori’s house plant, Petula the Peace Lily. Against all odds with Tori’s not-so-green thumbs, Petula was still alive — possibly thanks to Holly watering her when Tor
i forgot. Holly smiled at the thought of her girlfriend: she really had been massively supportive in the past few months, and Holly really should let her know how much she appreciated it. And she would: something to add to her list.

  She retrieved her tea and hobbled back to the sofa on a single crutch, before putting the tea down and retrieving the other crutch.

  Back to work.

  ***

  The next thing Holly knew, Tori was shaking her gently awake, and when she opened her eyes, she saw a Starbucks coffee in front of her.

  “Babe? I brought you a pumpkin-spiced latte — I know they’re your guilty autumn pleasure and you haven’t had a chance to get one yet.”

  Holly blinked rapidly, then sat up straighter, moaning as she did. She took the coffee, glancing at the tea she’d made earlier, still full on the table.

  “My first of the season,” she said, taking off the lid and giving it the coffee a sniff. “Yep, still smells great.” She took a sip and smiled. “Still hot, too.”

  “I take it you had a productive afternoon?”

  “I must have fallen asleep again.” Holly rubbed her eyes before continuing. “I’ve got a list two miles long to do for Gordon, and I was going to make a good start on it this afternoon.” She sighed. “Bang went those plans.”

  Tori, however, was having none of it. Gordon had overstepped the mark and just kept on overstepping. “Gordon can go fuck himself, he’s been putting far too much work on you as it is. You need to rest up, and he needs to realise that.”

  Holly smiled. “You want to email him and let him know?”

  “No problem.” Tori bent down again to kiss Holly, a brief, gentle kiss, a moment of reconnection. It was a moment Tori looked forward to every single day because it meant the start of ‘them time’, of reconnecting and sharing their days. Since the accident, they hadn’t had sex, Holly being too scared of how her body would react. Tori understood, and had told Holly she was happy to wait. Holly had raised an eyebrow, but Tori had meant it. She didn’t want Holly to feel uncomfortable.