by L A Cotton
“Chasing Nirvana,” Phoebe was first to answer.
A strange expression etched in Levi’s face. “That’s dark, New Girl.”
She shrugged. “It’s one of my favorites.”
He sucked in a harsh breath, tilting his head slightly, his eyes fixed on hers, as if she was a puzzle he was trying to solve.
Jesus, what was happening right now?
“Chasing Nirvana, it is,” I said, breaking the tension rippling between them. “Do you think you can pick it up?”
Eva nodded, stealing a quick kiss. Someone shrieked—Letty most likely—as I captured her face and slipped my tongue between her lips.
“Okay, okay, lovebirds, enough of that,” Levi fake retched. “We have a song to sing.” He downed another cup of liquor, swaying on his feet.
“Hey,” I lowered my voice. “You good?”
“I’m good, little brother.” A sloppy grin broke over his face. “Let’s do this.”
I ran my nose up Eva’s spine before leaning around her and strumming the opening notes to the song. It was one of our darker tracks, full of pain and suffering. I’d woken up one morning, right after we’d been signed to the label, to find the coffee table covered in lyrics. Levi was asleep on the couch, the pen still in his hand, the floor around him littered with empty bottles.
“Late night?” I’d asked him, after getting him a glass of water and some Advil.
“The nightmares...” he’d said around a grimace. “But I wrote something. I think it’s good. What do you think?”
I’d read the scattered lyrics, trying to make sense of his drunken ramblings. But I had quickly realized they weren’t drunken ramblings at all, they were articulate feelings. Levi had bled his state of mind out all over the table.
Levi met my stare and nodded, and I saw another glimpse of my brother.
* * *
I hear the voices, inside my head
Whispering things of sorrow and sin
I hear the voices, inside my head
They taunt me, telling me to just give in
To succumb to the pain, to let go and fall
But I don’t wanna relent, I don’t wanna fade
* * *
It feels so good, but it hurts so bad
This high that I’m riding, don’t want it to end
I don’t wanna come down, don’t make me come down
‘Cos I’m chasing... I’m chasing nirvana
* * *
It feels so good, but it hurts so bad
This high that I’m riding, don’t want it to end
I don’t wanna come down, don’t make me come down
‘Cos I’m chasing... I’m chasing nirvana
* * *
But I don’t wanna die
* * *
As my fingers flew across the frets, I felt every word, every memory. This was his life laid bare. His vulnerability and weakness weaved into the fabric of every lyric. Eva was a statue, her lips parted, her eyes glossed with tears as she watched my brother sing his heart out.
Part of me wanted to ask Phoebe what the fuck she’d been thinking requesting this song, but few people knew the truth behind the words. To them, Levi was nothing more than a privileged rock star with the world at his feet. Drugs, liquor, girls... it all came hand in hand with the gig. They didn’t know what haunted him at night, what skeletons hid in his closet.
They didn’t know.
Levi held the last note, his voice breaking. And then silence. No one said a word. His chest was heaving, his body was trembling, and I knew he was probably one second away from losing it.
“Fuck, yeah,” One of the roadies slapped his leg. “That’s how it’s done.”
Everyone began clapping, but Levi didn’t look pleased... he looked gutted.
“Levi,” Eva stood up, but Phoebe beat her to it.
“That was really something,” she said to my brother.
He was jittery, eyes wild, scanning the room for a quick exit, or worse, a quick fix.
“Levi, look at me,” she said calmly, gently laying her hand on his arm. He jerked up to meet her determined gaze. “You want to get some air?”
His eyes narrowed.
“Phoebe, I’m not sure that’s—”
She flicked her eyes to us. “Relax, I’ve got this. Come on, rock star,” Phoebe started to walk toward the balcony, “let’s go get some fresh air.”
And as if that wasn’t fucking weird enough...
Levi followed her.
Eva
* * *
“Did that really just happen?” Rafe and I watched after Levi as he followed Phoebe out onto the balcony.
“She’s strange.”
“She’s not strange,” I lifted the guitar over my head and placed it against the wall. “She’s just new, but Levi seems to respond to her.”
“He responded to you and look how that worked out for us.”
“Rafe,” I moved between his legs, “you need to let him find his own way.” My fingers curled into the hair at the nape of his neck.
“I know, I just... we know nothing about her.”
“Letty seems to think she can handle herself.”
“Let’s hope she’s right.” His fingers splayed around my waist possessively. “Can we kick everyone out now?”
“Just say the word.” I smiled.
“Hey, fuckers,” he yelled. “Party’s over.” There were a few grumbles, but people began filing out of the suite.
“We could have just gone downstairs.” There were rooms reserved for us on the floor below, not that Rafe had any intention of letting me out of his sight.
“Not happening.” He stood up, grazing his lips over mine. “I want you in my bed.”
“Why don’t you piss on her?” Hudson strolled over, “just to be sure.”
“Jealous, Hud?” I said, expecting him blurt out some salty comeback. But he didn’t. Instead, he skulked off to his room, slamming the door. “Was it somethin’ I said?”
“Don’t worry about him. Come on.” Rafe took my hand, guiding me toward our room. He paused as we passed Damon and Letty. “Will you two—”
“We’ve got you covered,” Letty said. “Go get some sleep. Duke wants us on the road after breakfast.”
“Thanks. See you in the morning.”
I glanced back over to the balcony. I could just make out Phoebe and Levi’s profiles in the shadows.
“Go,” Damon insisted. “We’ll keep an eye on them.”
“Thanks, man, I appreciate it.”
The two of them shared a lingering look, then Rafe started toward the bedroom again. When we were inside, he dropped down on the bed. I climbed on beside him, curling my body into his side. “Are you okay?”
“It’s not me I’m worried about. That song...”
“It’s about Levi, isn’t it? His addiction?”
“It’s more than that, Eva. It’s all the pain, the hurt... it’s every bad thing he ever went through.”
“If you’re worried he’ll—”
“I’m not. Okay, maybe I am, I think I’ll always be worried where he’s concerned.” Rafe tensed.
I slipped my hand under his shirt, tracing the ridges of his stomach muscles. “He wanted you to sing with us, you know?”
“He probably just overhead Damon and Letty. She was recording for social media.”
“I don’t think so. I think, in his own way, he’s tryin’ to make things right.”
“I appreciate what you’re trying to do, Starshine, I do. But it’s going to take more than an impromptu performance to fix us.”
“I know.” I leaned up, kissing his jaw. “But you made baby steps tonight.”
Kicking off my boots, I wrapped myself around Rafe and closed my eyes. “I’m proud of you,” I murmured, sleep taking hold. “I just want you to know that.”
We ate breakfast together. All seven of us. It was the first time we’d all sat and eaten together since Rafe and I got back. Levi was calmer, but
we all noticed the way he tracked Phoebe’s movements as she made herself another coffee. No one mentioned last night. No one asked what the two of them had talked about out on the balcony. And no one brought up what, if anything, had happened after.
Despite all the elephants in the room, it was nice.
“What time does Duke want to head out?” Damon asked Letty as she finished her pain au chocolat.
“Soon.” She checked her wristwatch.
“How are y’all feeling about the show in Detroit tonight?” Phoebe asked, taking a bite of an apple.
Something had shifted. She’d gone from quiet and shy new girl, to someone at total ease around us. I didn’t know how to feel about that.
“It’s always a good crowd. Although the Die Hearts are extra feisty in Rock City.” Hudson snickered. “Remember last year, when we played the Fillmore, those two girls managed to sneak backstage and—”
“Okay, bro,” Rafe interjected, “let’s not put the girls off their food.”
“Like anything you could say would surprise me. I’ve seen you all at your best... and worst.” Letty smirked, and Hudson flipped her off.
“How are you finding things so far, Pheebs? Is everyone helping you settle in?” He fixed his eyes right on Levi who was staring at his hands.
“It’s never easy being the new girl, but I’m not here to win any popularity contests so...” She shrugged.
“Are you here to win other things?” He smothered his amusement.
“Hud,” Rafe warned. “Don’t be a dick.”
The scrape of Levi’s chair across the tiles silenced everyone. “I need some air.” He stalked out of the room, Phoebe staring after him.
“What’s his problem?”
“Do you have to do that?” Damon scolded Hudson. “You know he’s treading thin ice right now.”
“What? I’m just trying to lighten the mood.”
“More like stir the pot.”
“You should cut him some slack.” Phoebe got up and put her plate in the basin.
“Yeah, and what do you know about it?”
“More than you know.” She gave Hudson a weak smile before making for the bathroom.
“So much for a nice breakfast.” Letty let out an exasperated breath. “We should get cleaned up before Duke comes looking for us.”
“Yeah, yeah, Letty. Crack the whip a little harder, why don’t you?” Hudson and Damon got up.
“I need to go grab the rest of my stuff.” Rafe kissed my cheek before following the guys.
“I’m going to check in with Duke and make sure everything’s set.” Letty grabbed her stuff. “I’ll see you downstairs in twenty?”
I nodded.
“And then there were two,” Phoebe offered me a smile. It seemed genuine, but I still couldn’t get a good read on her. “You don’t know what to make of me, do you?” She leaned back against the counter.
“Honestly, no. You seemed so unassuming at the club, but then last night you were... different.”
“Trust me, it took me by surprise too. But Levi is—”
“Complicated.” I’d heard that so many times before, and now I was the one saying it. But I felt protective of him, I always would.
“Oh, I get that. More than you know.” She released a soft sigh. “He reminds me of someone I used to... it doesn’t matter. I guess I just slipped back into old habits.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Not really. I’m here to ‘put all that behind me’, or at least, that’s what my dad would say. He pulled some strings and got me this gig.”
“He knows the band?”
“He knows someone high up at Razorsharp. I’m sure if he knew I’d landed this job, being on tour with the band, he’d flip. He probably thinks I’m filing papers and making coffees.”
We shared a laugh, but it quickly turned to awkward silence. I stood up, ready to make my excuses, but Phoebe beat me to it.
“I know you probably think I’m in way over my head, but I can handle myself.”
“It’s not you I’m worried about. In case you haven’t noticed, things are not okay between the guys right now.”
“I picked up on the tension.”
“Levi is hurtin’...”
“And when an animal is wounded it attacks. Message received loud and clear.”
Lips pressed together, I nodded. “I’ll see you on the bus.”
Hudson wasn’t wrong about the Die Hearts in Detroit. As soon as the bus turned into Little Caesars Arena, we were flooded with a sea of girls all looking to get their glimpse of the guys.
“Holy crap, it’s crazy out there.” Hudson had his face pressed against the glass. “I see titties. Levi, get over here, this chick is flashing us.”
“Nice, jackass.” Letty sneered. “Real nice.”
“Hey, I’m not discriminatory, Let. If you want to flash me your—”
“Do not finish that sentence, Ryker, or I’ll beat your ass into next week.”
“I love it when you get feisty with me.” Hudson licked his lips, winking at her.
“So, what happens now?” Phoebe asked. She was scanning the schedule Letty had given her.
“Now, security try and get us through that in one piece.” Levi strolled through the bus, heading for the bowl of chips on the counter.
“Letty said sometimes you stick around and sign some autographs and take some selfies, that kind of thing?”
“Sometimes we do, but not when the Die Hearts are extra crazy. And that,” Damon jabbed his finger to the window, “is extra crazy.”
“No meet and greet today, got it.” She crossed out something on her list.
The bus jerked to a stop and the door opened. Alistair and Riley climbed aboard. “How are you all?”
“Better for seeing your face, Ali boy.” Hudson grinned.
“There’s something I wanted to talk to you about before we go in. Riley has brought it to my attention that some of you aren’t treating her with the respect she deserves.”
Silence fell over us. I glanced over at Levi who was stone-faced as he stared at her. Rafe had also gone rigid beside me.
This wasn’t good.
“Riley is your assistant, not your plaything.”
Hudson snickered, and Alistair let out a muffled groan. “Poor choice of words on my part. All I’m trying to say is, please work with her. She has your best interests at heart.”
“Did you ask her?” Levi spoke up.
“Excuse me?”
“Did you ask her why I called her a cold-hearted bitch?”
“Well, no, I... Riley said you were being difficult.”
Levi’s gaze sharpened, burning into her. But she didn’t shrink. She stood tall, glaring right back, the air crackling between them.
Damon got up and moved toward Levi, while Rafe vibrated with anger beside me. I reached for his hand, threading our fingers together.
“Respect begets respect,” Damon said.
“Not you too,” Alistair gaped at him, rubbing his temples.
“Sorry, Ali, but you went about this all wrong. You should have come to us and asked what happened before taking her side.”
“Whoa now.” His hands shot up. “I didn’t... that’s not what this is. Riley?” He glanced at the woman beside him.
“You heard what he called me. We were in the middle of a meeting and Levi—”
“You really want to do this?” Levi’s brow shot up.
I shrunk into Rafe’s side. I didn’t want this. Not here, in front of everyone. But the lines had been drawn. Me and the guys on one side, and Alistair and Riley on the other.
“I’m sorry Ali, but Riley’s out of line here.” Damon shot me a reassuring smile. “She was rude to Eva and deliberately insensitive.”
“I wasn’t... that’s not...” Riley huffed indignantly, narrowing her gaze on me. But this time, I didn’t drop my gaze.
“Bullshit,” Hudson added. “We all heard what you said. You upset Eva
and then you didn’t even bother to apologize. Not cool.”
“Is this true?”
I looked up to find Alistair frowning.
“I’m not Eva’s assistant. I didn’t think—”
“Have you been living under a fucking rock?” Levi spat. “Eva went through something huge and you played it off as nothing.”
“Okay, okay, I can see there’s been some miscommunication here.” Alistair looked flustered now, pulling at his collar. “I think we’ll leave it there. Eva, I’m sure Riley is sorry if she offended you. While you’re not Eva’s assistant, Riley, she is a part of this tour. Let’s get inside before the Die Hearts cause a security breach and we have to cancel another show.” He stormed off the bus, Riley hurrying after him.
“Fucking snake.” Levi hissed the second she was out of earshot.
“I can’t believe she went to him over that.” Damon rubbed his temples.
“Can’t you?” Rafe finally spoke up. “She’s made it clear she doesn’t like Eva on more than one occasion.”
“Rafe,” I warned. “I’m not lookin’ to cause—”
“Okay, why don’t we all just calm down?” Letty stood up. “Whatever game Riley is playin’ clearly backfired. I’m sure Alistair will set her straight.”
“Yeah, he’ll probably spank her for being a bad, bad girl.”
“Not helping, Hud.” Damon hit him upside the head.
“Whatever her problem, we’ve got your back, Eva.” Hudson gave me a nod. “She might be banging the boss, but we can still—”
“Seriously?” Letty’s eyes widened, warning glittering there. “I’ll speak to Alistair. Let me handle it.”
“Thank you,” I said. “I don’t want this to cause an issue for the band.”
“So, we’re not plotting revenge on the ice queen?” Hudson mumbled. “Shame.”
No one said anymore about it as we grabbed our stuff and filed off the bus, flanked by our bodyguards. The frenzied catcalls filled the air, drowning out my thoughts. All except one.
The band had taken my side.
