From Ashes

by Amanda Perry

  When the water loses its heat, I relent and drag myself through the process of dressing. I spend time brushing and drying my hair. I brush my teeth and put on clothing other than my pajamas. The only thing I’ve managed to muster up the energy to do over the last few weeks are brush my teeth and take quick showers. I haven’t cared enough to put on anything other than my comfortable clothes and throw my unbrushed hair into a messy bun. My room has been my solace for weeks, but I can’t continue to hide.

  With no other ways to stall, I slink down the stairs with my kitten, Rose, at my heels. She kept me company while I hid out in my room, and I’ll forever be grateful to her for simply being with me. I’m able to understand her in a strange, primal way, and I know she’s been concerned about me. She knew it wasn’t a good thing her human wasn’t moving around much. She kneaded my legs and set up camp on them every night. It was the only way she knew to comfort me, and it worked as much as anything else could. Rose was great to cuddle with, but nothing dispels the depression and loneliness I feel deep inside.

  I remind myself of how alone I was growing up and how I survived it. If I could live through it for the first seventeen years of my life, I should have no problem handling it now. Except, back then, I didn’t know what it felt like to be loved. Now, I do, and I can’t let go of the need for love. My hands shake as I descend the steps and wonder how my presence will be received by the only people who ever loved me.

  Chapter 2

  Before I reach the bottom of the stairs, my father’s voice drifting from his office gives me pause. He must be off work today or possibly working from home. I’m not sure why he’d take the day off, but I’ve been out of the loop as far as plans go. Maybe they have something going on today. Dread sets in, wondering if I’ll be left alone in the house. Would they really leave me here by myself with several different people after me?

  “Yeah, I know.” My father’s quiet tone distracts me from my internal panic. He sounds frustrated, and it piques my curiosity. I quietly shuffle to the doorway of his office, though the door is wide open. If he needed complete privacy for the call, he would have it closed. At least, it’s what I tell myself in order to chase away the guilt of eavesdropping. He doesn’t notice me right away as he peers out the wide window on the back wall of his office.

  He drops his head and rubs his forehead with his palm as if trying to rub away a headache. “Derrick, I understand your frustration, I do. But even I don’t know what happened. She isn’t talking, and I can only imagine why. It’s not a black and white situation.”

  There’s a pause as the person on the other end of the phone, Derrick, replies. The name strikes me as familiar. However, I can’t place where I know it from.

  Before I can dig through my memory and figure out where I know the name from, my dad’s response distracts me. “Okay, I’ll keep you updated. We all want the same thing, believe me. Just tell Suzy to calm down, would you? Leanne can only text her back so fast.”

  He chuckles at whatever Derrick says, then he says goodbye and hangs up. As he turns to set his phone on his desk, he must notice me out of the corner of his eye because his head jerks up, and his eyes widen slightly.

  “Hey!” He grins wide and drops his phone on his desk as he rounds it. He peppers me with questions while striding to me and patting my arms as if he wants to pull me in for a hug but isn’t sure he should. “How do you feel? Are you hungry? Thirsty? Do you want me to make you something?”

  He doesn’t take a breath to allow me to answer between questions, and it’s almost comical. Almost.

  “I’m fine,” I lie. I’m a rotten liar, so it’s pointless for me to try to fib about anything. We both know I’m not fine, but he doesn’t comment. “Is Jaxon here? I was hoping to speak with him about something.”

  Dad’s eyes light up, and he nods vigorously. “Of course, talk to any of us that you need to, kiddo. We’re all here for you. Jaxon was in the living room a few minutes ago. Do you want me to come with you?”

  I shake my head and take a few steps away. “You’re probably busy with work. I can find him on my own.”

  He tries to hide his disappointment with a fake smile. “Okay, I’ll catch up with you in a bit. I’m nearly done with work today, anyway.”

  “Okay,” I mutter as I turn on my heel and hurry toward the hallway.

  While I’m relieved my dad was happy to see me and didn’t appear to hold a grudge against me, I don’t know how to act in front of him right now. All I want to do is cry and wallow in my misery, which he probably wouldn’t appreciate. He wouldn’t know what to do with me if I broke down. I know he wouldn’t because I don’t even know what to do with myself.

  Silently, I make my way from his office, down the hall to the wide-open living room and kitchen area. The first thing I notice is Leanne and Cassie in the kitchen together, and I almost smile as I watch them.

  “Cassie, we can’t add the whole bag! That’s too much.” Leanne pulls a bag of chocolate chips from Cassie’s hands and tries to close it.

  Cassie grabs for the bag and nearly spills all the chips onto the floor instead of in the bowl. “There’s no such thing as too much chocolate. Half of a cup is stupid. Add the whole bag or it’s not even worth it.”

  “You’re not adding the whole bag to my cookies.” Leanne takes a measuring cup and pours a few chocolate chips in. “You can have these for yourself, though.”

  Cassie perks up and snatches the cup from Leanne. “Deal.”

  With another quick scan of the room, I spot Jaxon. The entire back wall that spans from the living room through the kitchen is glass and looks out into the vast backyard, which makes Jaxon easy to spot on the deck. Unfortunately, it also makes Caleb easily spotted, and it’s clear the two of them are in the middle of a heated argument. The sliding door is closed so I can’t make out what’s being said, but it’s obvious they’re both shouting at each other. Their shoulders are tense as they gesture wildly. Caleb’s back is to me, but Jaxon faces the house and catches sight of me, watching them. He freezes mid-rant and stares back at me with wide eyes. My cheeks heat with the embarrassment of being caught.

  My blush disappears in an instant, and I blanch when Jaxon completely brushes off Caleb and starts for the back door. Before he can make it inside, I hurry over to the kitchen. I’d rather not make a big deal out of the fight I just saw.

  Cassie and Leanne stop their baking when I enter the kitchen, both of them watching me with slack jaws. All the attention makes me wish I didn’t leave my room in the first place. It’s uncomfortable for me to have all eyes trained my way, waiting for me to say or do something. I only wanted to come down and speak with Jaxon privately. It was silly, but I hoped everyone would be the way they were before and pretend like nothing happened. Of course, that’s not reality. I don’t even know if any of them want me in their space, and I can’t dredge up enough courage to ask if I should leave.

  Rather than focus on the attention, I pull open the fridge and scan the contents for a bottle of water. While I’m in the process of finding one, the back door opens, then closes again. Two sets of footsteps come into the kitchen, and I know both Jaxon and Caleb have come inside to join Cassie and Leanne as they watch me like a circus animal. If they expect me to jump through a ring of fire, then they’re setting themselves up for a lot of disappointment.

  Leanne recovers first. “Are you hungry, honey?” She glances at the bottle of water in my hand as I close the fridge. “I can make you some food—”

  “I was just hoping to have some water.” I glance down at the bottle, second-guessing my status in the house. “I-Is it okay?”

  Cassie snorts, gaining her wits back. “Of course, it’s okay, Ri.” She smirks and pops several chocolate chips into her mouth. Her chipper tone sounds forced, and I wonder if she’ll ever forgive me for not protecting her.

  “You get whatever you want,” Leanne adds. “If we don’t have it, I can always run to the store, too. You just let me know.”


  My gaze drops to my toes, and I rock back on my heels as I wonder why it’s so strange to be around them. Maybe it’s because I don’t know how they feel about me now, especially Cassie. She has every right to hate my guts, but she’s not insisting I get out or telling me to stay far away from her. I’m not sure what to say to them, but I refuse to go back to my room without accomplishing my original goal.

  The only problem with my goal is that he’s sitting at the dining nook with the one person I’m determined to avoid. Jaxon and Caleb might think they’re subtle as they watch my every move, but they’re not. I can’t stand it any longer.

  Rather than remain in the center of everyone, I shuffle over to the couch and sit down with my back to them. It doesn’t take any effort for me to tune out the quiet conversations they start up behind me. They’re trying to act normal, but it’s clearly forced. I wish I could just ask them what they’re thinking. If they’re upset with me, I’d rather know than sit around wondering.

  Just as I internally debate heading back to my room, Cassie plops herself down on the couch next to me. “Whatcha doin’?”

  I blink several times, then look down at the water in my hands. “Drinking water.”

  She huffs, “Smartass. I meant, what are you thinking about?”

  “I just needed to ask Jaxon something.” I peek over my shoulder and find three sets of eyes on me. They all turn away with guilty expressions when I catch them, and I whisper, “It can probably wait, though.”

  “Is it something I could help with?” She sounds hopeful, and I debate asking her instead of Jaxon. If I can’t get him alone, then maybe she can help me. At the very least, she could probably ask him for me when he’s not with Caleb. She isn’t kicking me out the door or running for the hills. She came and sat next to me, which means she doesn’t completely hate me. At least, I hope she doesn’t.

  “I just wondered if I could get some help with training again...” I fix my gaze on my water bottle, unable to look at her as I ask for help. If I’d picked up the training that they tried to teach me before, she’d have never been hurt.

  Cassie sits quietly at first, taking in my request. Her silence kills me, but I force myself to wait. “I’ll help you,” she finally offers. “We can start tomorrow morning if you want. I’m sure Jaxon and Leanne will help, too. That is, if you want them to.”

  “Really?” I let out a sigh of relief and finally allow myself to look at her. There’s no trace of the bruise on her head from being hit, of which I’m grateful for. At least, she doesn’t have to look at it anymore. Now that it is settled, the information about my father working from home surprises me, but I file it away to analyze later.

  “Of course, I’ll help you.” She smiles tightly, though it doesn’t reach her eyes.

  I take a deep breath, ready to apologize profusely for what I did, but Dad and Leanne come into the living room. By the way they’re looking at us, it’s clear they heard our conversation and have something to add. It doesn’t surprise me. The room was dead silent during our talk, and I knew we had an audience. My apology will have to wait. It may be for the best, anyway. I’m not sure how to tell my best friend how sorry I am that I almost got her killed.

  “Honey, I’d love to help if you want me to,” Leanne offers as she and Dad sit on the opposite couch. “Just let me know, and I’ll be out with you girls bright and early.”

  “Thank you,” I mumble quietly. I’ll take any help I can get at this point.

  Dad leans back and crosses one leg over the opposite knee. “I wish I could help you tomorrow, but I have to run to the office in the morning. I managed to work from home for a few weeks, but there are several meetings I can’t push back anymore. I should be able to come home for lunch, though. Maybe I can sneak away then?” He takes Leanne’s hand in his and kisses the back of it. “You’ll be in good hands with these girls, though. Just go at your own pace and don’t let Cassie bully you.”

  “I do not bully!” Cassie mocks offense. “I suggest forcefully.”

  Dad and Leanne chuckle as she innocently bats her eyelashes. My lips twitch a fraction as I take in how nice they’re all being toward me. They don’t despise me, and while that news is a shock, it’s also a relief. Eventually, I’ll need to speak with Cassie privately, but it’s going to have to wait.

  “I can help.” The offer from Caleb tells me he was listening the whole time, but it doesn’t surprise me.

  My stomach twists, and my heart constricts at the simple sound of his voice. I want so badly to hear him tell me he loves me again, to look into his eyes and know that he truly means it. I want him to tell me there was a logical reason he left me and didn’t come back until last night. I want him to say something other than apologies for being mean. I want his reason for staying here to be because he wants to be with me.

  But none of my wishes and wants will ever happen. He doesn’t want me. He doesn’t love me. He’s here for his sister and his best friend. I’d never allow my personal feelings to get in the way of his relationship with them. They knew him long before I ever met him, and I won’t come between a brother and sister or two best friends. Instead, I force myself to keep my mouth shut and focus on breathing deeply. My only goal is to work on myself and focus on what I need to do. I’ll continue to repeat this new mantra to myself until I actually believe it.

  With a defeated sigh, I feign a yawn and turn to Dad and Leanne. “I think I’m going to get some sleep if that’s alright.”

  “You don’t need to ask permission, kiddo.” Dad frowns. “Just, let us know if you need anything, all right?”

  With a quick thanks, I grab my water and scurry toward the hallway. As I exit the living room, I hear Cassie snap at her brother, “You’re an idiot, Caleb. Learn when to keep your damn mouth shut, would you?”

  Without even trying, I caused a rift between Cassie and her brother. I don’t stick around for his response. Rose brushes against my leg, and I pick her up on my way up the stairs. Her little chin is wet, so I assume she was busy having her dinner while I spoke to Cassie. It occurs to me that I didn’t eat dinner again tonight. I’ve nibbled on a few things over the last few weeks, mostly a few bites of whatever Leanne and Dad left for me when they brought food up, but I haven’t managed to stomach a real meal. Instead, I stick to my water and decide to eat when I’m hungry. It’s bound to catch up to me soon. Until then, I don’t want to make myself sick by forcing food down.

  Rose and I spend the rest of the night in my room, sulking and preparing. I write out seven apology letters to Cassie, but none of them are good enough to actually give her. They end up in and around the small wire trashcan by my desk. It’s difficult for me to put into words exactly what I want to say to her. I just want her to know I truly tried my best and how sorry I am I didn’t protect her. It doesn’t come across sincere enough on paper, though.

  With Cassie’s letter a bust, I try to write one to my brother. Jaxon never said a word to me while I was downstairs, and I’m starting to wonder if he’s angrier with me than Cassie. At least, she acknowledged me. He was with Caleb the whole time, and I didn’t get a chance to feel him out. It’s useless for me to attempt a written apology to him, though. I don’t get more than two sentences down on the paper before I give up and throw Jaxon’s letter away, too. My thoughts are too jumbled and senseless to form a coherent letter.

  When I finally give up on my attempts to write, I check the clock and find it to be nearly midnight. Cassie and Leanne will probably be up early for me tomorrow, and I don’t want to keep them waiting. I decide to turn in for the night, and as usual, Rose joins me. She kneads my legs until they’re to her liking, then curls into a ball on them, purring softly. I don’t mind her using my legs as a bed. She’s comfortable and happy there—one of us should be.

  The rest of my night I spend tossing and turning. Rose isn’t pleased and decides to commandeer the extra pillow on my bed instead of my legs. Try as I might, sleep eludes me as it has for two weeks. Every time I
begin to drift off to sleep, a nightmare hits me, and I startle awake. It makes for long and frustrating nights that remind me of how I used to hate and avoid sleep.

  Lately, the nightmares always have to do with my family, Caleb, or Samael. Samael taunts me, promising to kill my family, reminding me of the hell I lived through with him and my mother and laughing at me for thinking I may actually win against him. My family joins him sometimes; other times, he kills them in front of me. Caleb always pops up, too. He reminds me constantly that he’s done with me. Last night was the longest stretch of sleep I’ve had in weeks thanks to Caleb.

  The millionth time I startle awake, I glance at the clock and decide to give up on any attempts at sleep. I’d rather be productive than lie in bed and torture myself with nightmares. I drag myself out of bed and quietly make my way to the shower. Luckily, it’s far enough away from everyone else’s rooms that it won’t wake them.

  As tense as I am, I don’t linger in the shower. It won’t help, and I want to get myself warmed up before Cassie wakes up. I don’t bother drying my hair, but I do brush it out and tie it into a ponytail. It’s cooler outside, but my hope is that the cold will keep me awake and motivated to move. I dress in sweats and a tank top with a light jacket over it. It may be early November, but it’s still California. I won’t need the jacket for long once the sun rises.

  When I’m ready for the day, I tiptoe into the kitchen and grab myself a water bottle. I’m the only one awake at four in the morning, and even though Cassie said she’d be up early, it’s a bit too early to expect her to be moving around. With nothing else to do, I make my way to the backyard for my warm-up, wondering how long I’ll have to myself.