From Ashes

by Amanda Perry

  My silence is the only reply he needs, and I see the sadness flash in his eyes. Guilt sets in as he steps away from me. “I’m here when you’re ready to talk, kiddo. No matter what, I’m always here for you.”

  “Thanks, Dad,” I whisper.

  He slowly wraps his arms around me and pulls me in for a hug. It’s the first time in a while he’s hugged me, and I didn’t realize how badly I needed it until now. Tears sting my eyes as I wish I could talk to him about everything and ask him what I should do, but I just don’t know how.

  Too soon, he backs away and lets out a dramatic sigh. “Let’s get going before Leanne comes chasing us down. If we get caught slacking off, she’ll make us clean under the stove.”

  As much as I wish we could stay hidden in the garage, it’s for the best that we get to work. Dad’s right Leanne wouldn’t be pleased if we ditched her cleaning spree. She dictated who does what, and knowing her, she’ll be checking up on all of us throughout the rest of the day to be sure no one slacks off. I have a feeling Jaxon and Cassie will be watched like a hawk, and it’ll be nice for all eyes to be off me for a while.

  “Riley!”

  My brother’s thunderous shout startles me enough to cause the bottle of window cleaner in my hand to slip free, landing on the floor with a thud. I spin around to face the entrance of the game room rather than the window I’d been working to clean. Whatever Jaxon’s reasoning for yelling for me is, it can’t be good. He sounds angry, and my heart skips a beat as I listen to his footsteps pound up the stairs, coming straight for me.

  Everyone else is busy with their chores, and I’m the only one on the top floor, which means no witnesses to whatever might happen. Last time I saw my dad, he was in his office with a can of dust spray and a rag. Leanne had all the contents of the kitchen cabinets on the counters, and she was sorting through everything. Dad hooked up the classic rock station to the speakers in his office, and it can be heard throughout the house. Obviously, it isn’t as loud on the third floor, but I can still make out which song is playing. It likely means they can’t hear Jaxon’s shouts. Caleb finished cleaning the bathrooms first and moved onto vacuuming, and the noise of it probably drowns out Jaxon’s bellows even from one floor below me.

  My heart beats out of my chest as I watch Jaxon stomp into the game room, His eyes are narrow, and his chest heaves. He continues toward me until I step backward, pressing my back against the newly cleaned window. My movement stops him, and his scowl turns into a frown. Lighter, quick footsteps sound behind Jaxon, and we both turn our attention to the newcomer.

  “Jax, leave her alone.” Cassie rushes into the room, wiping tears from her eyes even as they continue to fall. “It’s fine.”

  Jaxon slashes his hand through the air. “No, this shit needs to be sorted out now. I’m sick of walking on eggshells and keeping my mouth shut. It’s gone on long enough.”

  Cassie in tears isn’t a common occurrence. Something really bad must have happened, and whatever it is, Jaxon blames me for it.

  “Riley, what the hell is this?” Jaxon asks, turning back to me and holding up a piece of paper in his hand I hadn’t noticed before.

  I squint at the wrinkled paper, trying to make out the contents. However, it’s impossible given the distance between Jaxon and me.

  “I don’t know,” I whisper, nearly too low for my own ears.

  Jaxon bounds to me with the paper extended. My back is already pressed against the window, and there’s nowhere else for me to run, even though I feel the need to get away. I turn my head to the side and hunch my shoulders, blinking rapidly.

  He freezes about a foot away from me. His tense shoulders sag, and his lips purse. “I’m not going to hurt you, Riley.” His tone contradicts his words and demeanor—he’s agitated and unhappy. “You should know by now none of us will ever hurt you.”

  Except Caleb. I want to say the words aloud, but I bite my tongue to keep them in. He didn’t physically harm me, but leaving me was a hundred times worse than any hit I’ve ever taken. Not that I believe Jaxon would hit me. If I stop and think logically, I know he’s being honest when he says he’d never hurt me, but it doesn’t stop me from reacting the way I do. It would be like standing in a glass box and letting someone throw a bucket of water at you. You’re still going to duck away from the water, even though you know that logically the glass will protect you. With time, I hope the instinct will go away. After so many buckets of water, you’d likely become more comfortable with the protection of the glass than to trust the bucket.

  Jaxon lets out a deep sigh and draws me from my thoughts. He lunges forward and pulls me into him before I can blink. My body locks up for a full minute while my mind catches up to what’s happening. “Riley, I love you. I’ll never hate you, no matter what you do, but especially for something that wasn’t your fault. Stop blaming yourself, damn it. It’s killing me that you’re punishing yourself for this shit.”

  His words confuse me but calm my racing heart. I wrap my arms around him, return his hug, take in a deep breath, then muster up the courage to say what’s on my mind. “Why were you yelling at me?”

  Jaxon pulls away and holds out the paper in his hand once more. When I realize what it is, I cover my mouth in a failed attempt to hold in a gasp. He has one of the pathetic apology letters I tried to write Cassie. I’d thrown several half-written notes away and forgotten all about them until now. They were in and around the trash can by the desk in my room.

  “I didn’t mean for you to see that.” My wide-eyed gaze jumps to Cassie as she works to pull herself together. “I’m sorry, I—”

  “Stop saying that,” she cries angrily. “Damn it, Ri, you can’t seriously think that you need to give me any sort of apology. Do you really think I’m upset with you? Do you really believe anything that happened that day was your fault?”

  “You should and maybe already do hate me,” I admit. My chin wobbles, but I push the tears back. “I tried to protect you, to keep you from getting hurt. I tried so hard, but I couldn’t do it.”

  “Just stop it!” Cassie gives up wiping her tears and allows them to flow freely as she shouts at me. “You almost died because of me, and you’re the one apologizing? Do you even understand how twisted you have this?”

  “Sweetheart.” Jaxon makes quick strides to Cassie, holding a hand out to her, but she bats it away.

  “Seriously, Riley,” Cassie continues, her tone only somewhat quieter. “What were you thinking? Why didn’t you get away when you had the chance?”

  “Wh-what?” I shake my head slowly back and forth, unsure how to process her questions. “They were going to hurt you worse than they hurt me. I had to try to stop them.”

  Cassie shuts her eyes tight and hangs her head. “You shouldn’t have.”

  My only response is a deep frown. She isn’t making any sense, and it’s both scary and confusing. I don’t understand what she wants from me. Luckily, she takes pity on me and explains herself.

  “I screwed up, Ri,” Cassie whispers. I watch tears leak from her closed eyes and drop to the floor. “I was too cocky, and it nearly got us both killed. I thought if something bad had happened, I’d be able to handle it on my own. I didn’t count on getting knocked out and leaving you to fend for yourself.”

  Jaxon wraps his arms around Cassie, holding her close even as she pushes him away. “You need to stop doing this to yourself, sweetheart. You didn’t mean for her to get hurt. It isn’t your fault that you two got attacked.”

  “But it is my fault she almost died. I shouldn’t have insisted on going out that day,” Cassie bellows.

  “No!” I shake my head rapidly. Jaxon and Cassie turn to me with wide eyes. I don’t think I’ve ever raised my voice before, but Cassie needs to understand. I’ll do whatever it takes to make that happen. “That doesn’t make sense, you didn’t do anything wrong. You weren’t even conscious.”

  “Ri, I should have been conscious to protect you.” Cassie steps away from Jaxon and moves
closer to me. “I’m supposed to be your best friend, and I screwed you over because I wanted to go shopping. I was stupid, and I didn’t think before I ran over to the dark corner. Of course, I should have been wary, but I didn’t think before I acted.”

  My tears finally begin to fall without permission—tears of frustration and heartbreak. She blames herself, and it isn’t right. How could she think she did anything wrong?

  “You’re supposed to hate me,” I sniffle. “You haven’t spoken to me about what happened, and you were so serious this morning during our training. I was sure you hated me. I figured you were just trying to be nice by helping me.”

  Cassie laughs loudly, though there’s no humor to it. “I was too freaked out to bring it up to you. I didn’t want you to get upset and go back to staying in your room. The two weeks you hid in your room was hell. All I wanted to do was come in there and talk to you. I wanted to tell you how sorry I was, but I didn’t know how. How do I tell my best friend I’m sorry I nearly got her killed?”

  I point to the letter, still in my brother’s hand. “That’s what I was trying to do, as well. Those letters were my failed attempts at apologizing. I couldn’t come up with the words, and I thought writing them down would help, but it didn’t.”

  “You really thought I blamed you because I got a stupid bump on my head?” she scoffs. “You thought I hated you for that?”

  “You should.” I look from her to my brother. “You should both hate me for it. Jaxon, I’m sorry she got hurt because of me. I know she’s your soulmate, and I should have done more to protect her. I know how much she means to you.”

  Jaxon holds up a hand. “I’m going to stop you right there.” He scrubs his hand over his face and takes a deep breath. “I’ve been doing my best to be sensitive and shit over the last few weeks. I have no idea how to act around you, Riley. None of us know what to do. You’re so closed off, and I’ve been really worried. You need to understand something, though.” He pauses, and his gaze bounces between Cassie and me. “You both need to understand something. Neither of you is to blame for what happened at the mall. The only two people who get to take the blame and my anger are the two dim-witted shit nuggets who attacked you two.”

  Cassie starts to protest, but Jaxon cuts her off immediately by pointing at her, then at me. “You two are best friends, and you’ll always be there for each other. That’s just what best friends do. Neither of you planned for it to happen. You need to stop blaming yourselves and think about what you would have done if you’d been in each other’s shoes.”

  Jaxon’s suggestion hangs in the air for a long moment. In the silence, I do as he says and think of what would have happened had I been the one who got knocked out right away instead of Cassie. I would hope she’d run away and get help, and I’d never want her to stay and fight. Though I know she would fare far better than I did, I wouldn’t want her to be in that position.

  “I’d want to kill those assholes for hurting you,” Cassie admits fiercely after a long pause. “I think I get why you didn’t just turn and run. It’s what you should have done, instead of getting hurt like you did, but I know why you stayed.”

  “I couldn’t just leave you there. I had to get the attention off you so they’d leave you alone,” I murmur. “But if you’d been in my shoes, I would have wanted you to run.”

  “See what I mean?” Jaxon smirks with satisfaction—he loves to be right about things. “If the roles were reversed, you’d have both done the same thing. Now, stop beating yourselves up and go back to being attached at the hip.”

  Cassie turns and launches herself at me. I barely manage to stay upright while wrapping my arms around her in a tight hug. “I love you, Ri. I was so scared when I came around and you were only half-conscious and covered in blood. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

  “I love you, too.” I squeeze her tighter and sob into her shoulder. “I’m just so relieved you don’t hate me.”

  “Never,” she sniffs. “I went hard on you this morning because I kept picturing you lying in that hospital bed. I want to do my part to help you rather than taking you away from training so we can go off to watch movies and shop. I wasn’t taking things seriously before, at least not as seriously as I should have. Now, I am. I figured we had time to get you trained, and we didn’t need to do anything drastic right away. Clearly, I was beyond wrong.”

  We separate from our hug, but Cassie doesn’t let my hand go. “I was going to ask Jaxon to help me originally, but I couldn’t get him alone. But now I’m kind of glad I asked you. You’re a better fighter than I realized.”

  “I do kick ass, huh?” Cassie giggles through her sniffle. It’s one of the best sounds I’ve heard in a while. She hasn’t been her bubbly self, and I now know what caused the mood shift. It’s great to hear her happy again.

  “I can still help, though,” Jaxon offers. “I’m not sure what I can do differently now that I didn’t do before, but I can help.”

  “Thanks, Jaxon.” I sigh heavily with frustration. Jaxon’s right about things being the same. He was doing his best before the attack, and I don’t know if his tactics would help any more now than they did before. Still, I’m willing to give it a shot if it means potential improvement. Plus, any distraction from Caleb is a welcomed one.

  As if reading my mind, Jaxon hesitantly broaches the subject. “Listen, Riley, about you and Caleb... Can you tell us what happened?”

  Every muscle in my body tenses. I want to talk to them about it, but I may break if I do. I can’t afford that right now. I need to work on gaining my strength, not losing it. “I can’t... Not yet.”

  Jaxon frowns, his disappointment clear, but he doesn’t push the subject. “Just know that we’re here when you’re ready, okay?”

  “Thanks, Jaxon.” I hug him tightly. “I’ll talk to you guys when I’m ready. I just can’t right now.”

  “I get it, sis. No pressure.” He squeezes me back, then thankfully, drops the subject.

  After several more hugs are exchanged, the three of us return to our chores. My mood lifts slightly, but the sharp pain and tightness in my chest remain, worsening when my mind drifts to Caleb. I rub at the center of my chest, vainly wishing for relief, and find myself wondering if the pain will ever ease. I’ve heard time heals a broken heart, but the hurt only becomes more real as time goes on.

  It doesn’t take long for me to wrap up my chores. When I do, I decide to search for the one person I know will give me another job to keep me busy. As I pass the landing of the second floor on my way to the first, I notice Caleb standing in the middle with his palm to his forehead. He has the vacuum in front of him. It’s turned on, but he isn’t moving it.

  All of my instincts scream at me to find out what’s bothering him, but I force myself to remain in place. He could be taking a quick break or wiping the dust from his eyes, and if I run to him, it’s an open invitation for him to wreak havoc on my emotions again. He wouldn’t do it on purpose; I know he isn’t malicious or vindictive. Still, the sound of his voice alone nearly brings me to my knees because I know I’ll never hear that voice say, ‘I love you,’ or tell me how much I mean to him. Friendship may be enough for Caleb, but to protect myself and my heart, I have to keep my distance. I’ve watched him, and I know he isn’t happy I don’t want to talk or be around him. I’ve overheard a few conversations with Jaxon where he asks why I won’t just talk to him. It kills me to hurt him in any way, but for once, I need to look after myself first.

  Caleb rolls his head from side to side and gives himself a shake before he goes back to his vacuuming. Satisfied he isn’t hurt or in need of help, I push myself to continue on my mission to find other things to do. If I had things my way, I’d be in his arms, talking to him about what may be on his mind. Instead, I find my way to the kitchen in search of more chores and ways to keep myself busy.

  My steps slow when I enter the kitchen and find the kitchen counters covered in all different types of kitchenware. I never
realized we had such an abundance of kitchen gadgets.

  “Do you need any help?” My gaze scans the clutter on the kitchen counters, then lands on Leanne, who is standing in the middle of it all with a square lid in one hand and a round bowl in the other.

  Leanne’s eyes jump to me and light up. “Oh, Riley, I would love some help. I have twenty lids that have no bowls and ten bowls with no lids. I’m losing my mind.”

  “I don’t think those two go together,” I tease, pointing to the round and square objects in her hands.

  She groans and drops them onto the pile in front of her. The jostle of the mound of Tupperware causes an avalanche of plastic. Leanne and I watch in amused horror as the dozens upon dozens of lids and containers from the counter cascade onto the floor with a loud crash.

  “At least they’re all plastic. Glass would have made a bigger mess.” I push a few containers off my feet and kneel to help her pick them up.

  “No.” Leanne stops me. She chews on her lip and ponders. “Maybe doing this on the floor would be easier. There’s more room to sort shapes and sizes. I can wash them after we find the matching lid or container.”

  “Good thinking.” She joins me on the floor, and I peek up at her. “Leanne.” I hesitate, worrying my bottom lip. She raises a brow, silently urging me to continue. “Why do you have so much Tupperware? I can’t think of a single situation where you’d use this much.”

  Leanne throws her head back and hoots with laughter. “I don’t. Your dad does!”

  I frown, though my lips twitch with the urge to smile as she continues to cackle. “This is Dad’s doing?”

  “He has the weirdest addiction to this stuff. He’s always bringing home more with the excuse that we don’t have any lids that match.” Leanne points at the pile in front of us. “Though, he might actually be onto something with that. I don’t think I found even one match, and I’ve been searching for ten minutes before you showed up.”

  “Do I even want to know what that crash was?” Jaxon strolls into the kitchen with Cassie tucked happily under his arm. His eyes bounce from me to Leanne, then to Mount Tupperware and back again. “Never mind, I can guess. If you wanted Riley to do the dishes, I’m sure you only had to ask her. No need to bury her under a pile of Tupperware.”