by K. M. Raya
After the boys left, the girls changed into their swimsuits. Freya entered the bathroom and gulped in a few breaths of heavy air. It had been a long time since she had donned a bathing suit in front of others and she just wasn't ready to take that full leap yet. Instead of her one piece, Freya grabbed her black bikini along with a pair of stylish board shorts that covered the scars on her thigh.
She breathed a sigh of relief as she gazed at herself in the mirror. She looked like herself, only different. Her body was leaner, skinnier from lack of proper nutrition. Her black hair fell to her waist because she hadn't cared enough to trim it. Her eyes were darker now, almost a gunmetal grey instead of their usual cloudy silver. She knew that eye colors didn't actually change, but her brain must have been projecting a rain cloud over her familiar features, enough that she could only view herself through the veil of grief and guilt.
Grabbing her towel and her tennis shoes, Freya followed the girls out of the cabin and out towards Wolf Lake. She was surprised with herself that she had agreed to these shenanigans because it seemed an awful lot like something old Freya would have been down for. She pushed the thought away because she was ready to soak up this foreign feeling.
The lake came into view and she couldn't deny that it was a beautiful sight. The rain hit the water, causing the dark blue surface to ripple and rumble like millions of drums. The sand was soaked though but Freya just kicked off her shoes and placed her already wet towel over them.
Heavy arms grabbed her waist and she suddenly found herself hoisted into the air.
"Oh my god Mav put me down!" She screeched and he just laughed.
"Oh I'll put you down alright!" He yelled back over the drumming rhythm of the rain. But instead of setting her on her feet, he tossed her over his broad shoulder and ran towards the water at full speed.
Her screams were cut off as he dunked them both under icy water and she came up sputtering. Her coughs were mixed with laughter that surprised her. She couldn't remember the last time she had heard a genuine laugh rip from her throat.
It felt good.
Really good.
Before she could say a thing, Maverick’s cold lips latched onto hers and his hands gripped her face. She kissed him back with all of the passion and intensity that she could muster before they ripped their faces apart. He was breathing heavy and his dark brown eyes looked almost black. Water droplets clung to the tips of his buzzed black hair and the piercing in his eyebrow glinted. ‘
Damn he’s a looker.’ She thought to herself and blushed.
As if reading her mind, Maverick smiled a wicked smile before kissing her again, light as a feather while snaking his arms around her torso. It felt so good to be held by him and Freya found herself sinking into his embrace and craving more of it. The other campers faded into the background as he held her close. They were alone in the lake for all she knew and she was certain he felt the same.
"I never want this summer to end," he admitted her as his fingers combed through her wet, midnight hair.
Freya looked up at the boy who was slowly stealing her heart. "What's going to happen once it does? What does it mean for this?" She gestured between the two of them.
It had been on her mind lately and the thought of never seeing him again made her feel sick. She knew that they weren't actually together, and that he was free to see other people, but she didn't feel ready to dismiss him from her life. He’d become a special person to her over such a short period of time, and she wasn't ready to lose that yet.
"I'm only a couple hours away, we'll still see each other I promise." But the promise felt empty. She knew how these things worked. They would leave and she would start her senior year and he could return to college. Their fast and passionate summer romance would be just that, fast but over all the same.
"Tomorrow’s my eighteenth birthday, you know." She told him suddenly though she couldn't say why.
Surprise lit his eyes and he smiled. "Well how about that. You know what this means right?" He asked with a mischievous grin and now she regretted telling him.
"No! Please don't," She groaned even before he spoke.
"It means a birthday party is in order," he promised her with a sinister smile. Freya's heart sunk.
"I'm begging you right now Maverick, please don't do it. I don't want a party and I don't want any attention drawn to my birthday. Promise me," She pleaded and by the look on his face she knew he understood.
"Okay, okay no parties for Freya Lockwood. Noted. But that doesn't mean we can't celebrate a little bit." His smile returned full force.
"What did you have in mind?" She asked hesitantly.
"You just leave that up to me, I promise, it won't be a thing."
She breathed a sigh of relief. Parties had once been a highlight of her life whether it was a birthday, holiday or school dance, Freya had always loved a good bash. But now, the thought of it made her want to retch.
They spent the next few hours swimming in the lake with Sam, Phee, Garrett and Tosh. The docks were filled with other campers, hogging up the dry spots, so the group simply waded near the shallows. The moon was high in the night sky and only peaked through the rain clouds once in a while but when it did, the entire lake was illuminated like magic. This is what camp was supposed to feel like. She only wished that Carmen and Mina had been here to share it with them.
Freya
She sat in her cold, dark bedroom and stared at herself in her floor length mirror. She was a mess. Her black dress did little to cover her broken skin and gaunt appearance but that didn't matter. No, what mattered lay beyond the four walls of her bedroom, down the street and behind those menacing rod iron fences.
The door cracked open and she didn't even bother to look up.
"Thought you ought to know we're heading out. We'll be back in a few hours," her mother told her with a hollow note to her voice.
Freya said nothing as her mother stood in the doorway, staring at her disgrace of a child. "You might want to eat something. You know you shouldn't be taking those meds on an empty stomach," She tried to tell her but still Freya had no visible or verbal response. She simply stared blankly at her bedroom walls.
They were purple.
Mina's favorite color.
Moments later she heard the door shut and her watery eyes flickered to it. The click reverberated in her mind and made her grind her teeth. The sun was shining outside her window, and it was sickening to her. How dare the universe shine down on such a bleak moment in time. Didn't it know? Didn't it care that her world had come to an end? Not just her world.
She stood from the floor thirty minutes later and slipped on a single flat shoe, her other foot was carefully confined in a thick cast so she only needed the one. Her leg wasn't broken, but the burns had been extreme on her thigh and her ankle was twisted severely. She limped down the dark staircase in a house that was as familiar to her as her own hand and yet it felt like an alien planet. She no longer belonged here. She no longer belonged anywhere.
Down the street and to the right of her small neighborhood, she stood on the edge of the cemetery gates, watching in silence as the funeral procession ushered the two cherry wood caskets to their markers. Freya could hardly breathe as she watched Sean lead the way with tears in his green eyes that matched his sisters’ so perfectly. Her older brother looked so broken. She'd done that. She didn't dare move any closer because she knew she would not be welcome.
She could see that her entire school seemed to be in attendance, including the faculty. Ben's parents stood with Mina's as they wept and shuddered. Freya wanted to scream. She wanted to tear the hair out of her scalp or wail into the sky like she had when she rocked Mina's empty body in the burning debris that night. She wanted more than anything to jump into that closed casket and trade her life for theirs.
"You must have a death wish," came a familiar voice from the side of her. She startled as Sebastian Carter approached the black gate in front of her.
His eyes were
puffy and red, his clothing rumpled and hair mussed. He was still handsome, but grief had a way of sucking the life out of even the healthiest of people.
"What the fuck do you think you're doing here, Freya? Do you think anyone wants to look at you right now?" He spat as he glared at her in disgust.
She didn't say a word because they were clogged in her throat so he did it for her. "Get the fuck out of here before someone sees you. Before their parents see you," He warned and she knew he was right. His words stung but he was absolutely right. It had been stupid of her to come.
Sebastian didn't spare her another moment of his time before pivoting on his heel and rejoining the ceremony. Her head snapped back up when she heard the whispers. One by one, heads turned in her direction, including Mina's parents. Her eyes locked with Christine and she felt like the dirt was swallowing her whole. There was no hatred in her gaze.
Only emptiness.
So much emptiness.
She woke with a breath caught in her lungs and swung her legs over the side of her bed. She was sweating badly. Freya recalled the memories that had replayed in her dreams with perfect clarity. She could almost smell the fresh cut grass of the towns cemetery.
She shook the morbid thoughts from her head and slipped on her sandals. The cabin was stifling and she needed fresh air. Her roommates were fast asleep, oblivious to the pain she suffered and she was thankful that they were spared the drama of it all. After slipping out the door, Freya didn't make it far. Half way down the dirt path she came across a figure sitting on the front steps of cabin number one.
Sebastian hunched over his knees and stared at the ground as if the meaning of life could be found buried beneath the packed dirt. His mind was elsewhere but Freya couldn't help herself but to approach him. He heard her footsteps and his dark blue eyes shot to hers in surprise. He didn't even seem angry.
"It's late," he said with a gravelly, tired voice. He sounded far away.
"Perceptive," she replied softly. His lips turned up in a reluctant smile. It was good to see that smile.
"What are you doing out here?" He asked genuinely. She couldn't hear any trace of burning hatred in his voice. Only curiosity.
She shrugged her shoulders and looked around her, avoiding his penetrating stare. "Bad dreams. Couldn't sleep. My feet just sort of took me here," she answered honestly.
Sebastian just nodded as if he could relate. He probably could.
"Can I sit?" She asked him, hoping he wouldn't turn her away.
She knew that they weren't okay, but something about the space between the early morning and the night seemed to give the illusion of suspending reality. She felt brave.
"No," he told her and her heart sank. But he spoke again quickly. "Take a walk with me." He stood and walked towards the path she had taken.
They traveled down the dirt road leading to the rec center and Freya wondered what they were doing. He had yet to speak and it made her nervous. She felt ridiculous. She had known Sebastian since they were children. He was a big guy— years of playing baseball had turned his arms to stone but he was still a gentleman. He shouldn't scare her.
They entered the rec center and Sebastian led her to the library and gestured for her to have a seat on the sofa. It took a few moments, but the next thing she knew, he was wheeling in the old television again.
"Another movie night?" She asked.
"More like movie morning." He corrected and she snorted. It was really early and soon the sun would be sneaking in behind the rain clouds that seemed to hover over their entire week.
He pressed play on the old DVD player beneath the rolling cart and JAWS started to play. She smiled because he remembered that she had always had a weird obsession with Shark Week. A strange feeling filled her chest. Something akin to nostalgia mixed with longing. He took the seat next to her— his large body filling up the couch causing her to subtly shift his way. She pretended to watch the movie, but her mind was running too fast in every direction to concentrate.
"What," he said. He didn't ask. It was a statement, not a question. He knew she was thinking too hard.
"What are we doing here, Sebastian?" She asked—keeping her eyes locked on the aquatic carnage playing out on the screen.
"Watching JAWS. I figured that would be obvious," He replied with a slight smirk and a gesture to the television.
Freya rolled her eyes. He had always been a smart ass.
"You know what I mean, Bash." She watched him smile at the old nickname.
He turned to her then, locking eyes with her. Freya felt her heart speed up much like every time Sebastian was near. Her mind wandered briefly to Maverick and the calmness that overtook her at his touch. They both knew the summer's end would bring an end to whatever it was that was happening between them, but she and Sebastian had been over a decade in the making. She knew Maverick would be alright, they made each other feel good when they needed it most, but he knew her heart was too far gone.
"I wish I knew," Sebastian admitted and lowered his eyes, losing focus. "I try to keep my distance. I try to keep hating you, but it's hard." He ran his hands through his long hair in aggravation.
Freya opened her mouth to respond but he kept going. "I've loved you for years. Seven years to be exact. You were always my twins best friend but you were mine too, even if you didn't know it." His eyes were on hers once again and there was so much truth in them.
"I didn't tell you. Not because I didn't want to be with you... but because I was afraid of throwing off the dynamic. I was so afraid of losing you that I let myself think that being friends was enough." He took a deep breath. "It was never enough."
Tears were gathering in her eyes at his confession. Sure, the first few months of the prior year things had started to shift between them. A touch here, an intimate gaze there. But love? She never would have guessed it had been reciprocated.
"I don't know how to do this anymore. Every time I look at you I see their faces and I know you could never really forgive me," she choked out and he reached out an arm, his hand grabbed her shoulder to comfort her. She didn't deserve his comfort. "Sometimes I wish I had been taken away that night, locked up in a cell and never released."
Sebastian frowned but he didn't have words to soothe her. She could see the war raging in his eyes. The pain was there, still as potent as it had always been, but he also looked confused.
"The things I'm feeling don't make any sense. I convinced myself that I hated you but all I want to do is hold you when you look at me like that. All I ever do is wonder where you are or what your doing. I fucking hate myself for it." His voice was rough, sounding like he was ready to cry himself.
He leaned over, placing his elbows on his knees and held his face in his hands. He was so handsome. His long blonde hair tangled around his shoulders looking sleepy and rumpled. She probably looked like a homeless person next to him. She shook away her wandering thoughts. Now wasn't the time.
"I should hate you. Carmen is wasting away in that hospital bed and she might never wake up. Because of your mistake." He flinched at his own words. "But I know now that it was a mistake. I know you didn’t mean to kill them, Frey. I just need some time to work it out in my head.”
Freya couldn't believe what she was hearing. She loved this boy. This beautiful, sad boy. She always had. And he had loved her back unbeknownst to her. But how could they ever get passed what she had done? There should be no recovering from that.
"I don't know what to say," she told him in a hushed whisper. He was watching her with weary eyes and she had never seen him look so vulnerable.
"Don't say anything..." He whispered back. He moved closer and she hadn't realized it.
She gasped into his mouth as it gently landed on hers. He gripped her face between his strong hands much like he had the night in the woods only this time, the kiss was different. Instead of the hurried, frantic feeling that had overcome them both, this kiss was slow and gentle. It was methodical and almost planned. She knew in t
hat moment that she would love him no matter what. Even if he could never love her back again.
Slowly, Sebastian crawled over her, pushing her down with her back on the couch cushions. He hovered over her, never breaking their kiss. She noticed that his hands were shaking. He must have been just as nervous as she. He trembled as he pulled her night shirt over her head, gazing down at her with adoration and lust. She recognized the look on his face but she had never seen it directed at her so fiercely.
His shirt followed hers and plopped to the ground as he kissed his way down her torso. Her skin tingled where his lips touched and goosebumps broke out across her skin. He stopped for a moment and raised his eyes to hers, silently asking permission. Something about the sincerity in his gaze made her nod her head yes. Despite his hatred, or confusion about it, she trusted the boy in front of her. She trusted him with her body and that he would keep her safe.
