Wandering Soul

by Steven Anderson

  “That doesn’t sound too bad.”

  “It’s terrible, Duse!” She picked up some of the snow by our feet and appeared to be studying its texture. I didn’t realize what she was planning until it was too late and the snow had been shoved down the back of my shirt.

  “Hey!” I stood and stumbled back a few steps.

  She pickup up more snow, advancing toward me. “Promise you’ll stay in the Mission, Mala Dusa.”

  She was tossing the snow back and forth between her hands as she came. “Fine! I’ll stay in the Mission. I promise!” She tossed the snow over her shoulder and it landed precisely on my water bottle. She came closer and I checked her hands for more snow before I let her hug me.

  “Will you send me messages while you’re gone?”

  “Sure. We can talk in near real time until I make the jump through the first Deep Space Hole.”

  Winona looked at me, studying my face with those big eyes. “It won’t be the same as having you here to talk to, but I think I’ll survive.”

  “You better. We’re seniors next fall. It’s going to be an exciting year and I need you there with me.”

  “Thank you. Most people don’t want me around at all, let alone need me.”

  “Most people are idiots.” That got her to smile.

  We sat back on the rocks and ate the snacks we had brought with us.

  “You mentioned God, but you aren’t going because of your faith, are you?” she asked.

  “Partly. My church supports the Mission in the Warrens and we pray for them all the time. I’ve done fund raisers and my parents support a couple of the kids each year. Well, Dad mostly. Getting Hannah to church isn’t easy. I think she associates it too much with my mom. I suppose Hannah believes in her own way, but she won’t talk about it. My dad goes with me, maybe because of mom, maybe for me. But no, my faith isn’t the only reason I want to go.”

  “Your parents, then, and your real mom. Are you sure you want to know? There’s plenty of information about them on the nets if you could be bothered to do your research.”

  I had looked and I had found almost nothing. But I was not Winona. She took her display pad out of her pack and unrolled it.

  “Do you at least know who Ysabeau Romee was?”

  “Sure, I really did do some research. She was the leader of the clan that united everyone in the Warrens and challenged the Bodens Gate government, until they killed her and made her a martyr.”

  “Do you know what she looked like?”

  “No one does. Only a few people ever met her and there’re no pictures. Are there?”

  “A couple of weeks after she was killed a statue of her appeared in the Warrens. A short time later it was destroyed on the orders of the Union commission that was working to negotiate a settlement to the civil war and rebuild the Bodens Gate Central Government. Your parents worked on that commission, I believe?”

  I nodded. “Your point, Winn?”

  “The Commission claimed Romee was a war criminal and not to be venerated. She had ordered the assassination of hundreds of other clan leaders when she consolidated power and may have killed quite a few of them personally.”

  I knew that part of the story too. The history of the Warrens was one of extortion, murder, rape and human trafficking.

  Winona handed me her pad. “I found a photo of the statue, even though there aren’t supposed to be any.”

  I felt my mouth open and forced it closed. I knew that defiant smile and short wavy hair. “They used Hannah as the model for the statue?” I asked.

  Winona thumped my forehead with her finger. “Idiot.”

  “Hannah was not Ysabeau Romee.”

  Winona lifted her finger toward my head again.

  “Was she?” I asked.

  “I believe she was. Your mom, Hannah, is still running the government on Bodens Gate as far as I can tell. That commission she’s on? They rubber stamp whatever she wants to do. I never looked at it before because I didn’t care about Bodens Gate, but with you going there I did some research over the past few days. Your mom is very impressive. She’s been the real strategic power on Bodens Gate for fourteen years and I don’t think anyone on the outside knows it but me.”

  “You must be wrong. She’s a consultant to the commission, she’s not even a full member. Ow!” Winona tapped my forehead again before I could stop her. “If you do that every time I say something stupid you’re going to poke a hole straight through to my brain.”

  “Does your dad know? There’s not much about him in the records. Just that he was a courier once between the Mission and Romee and that he rescued Hannah by convincing a RuComm Captain to ruin his career by dropping a shuttle through controlled airspace into the middle of a combat zone on a sovereign planet. That was on the same day that Ysabeau Romee was supposedly killed, by the way.”

  I almost said ‘no’ but my head was still hurting. I told her about the bullet that Hannah carried in her pocket and my dad almost killing a man.

  “I like your dad. He seems perfectly happy being a college professor and living a simple life, but I suspect he’s never been able to refuse Hannah anything.” She paused and looked at me so it would soak in.

  “He loved my real Mom. He loved her more than Hannah!”

  Winona raised her eyebrows and I realized I may have spoken with a little more force than I needed.

  “I’m sure he did, Duse. What I was trying to tell you is that your dad is like a catalyst for her. I’ve been over to your house enough to see a glimmer of it, how he reinforces and encourages her. She’s powerful without him, but with him she becomes magical. Do you know why I’m telling you this?”

  I rubbed my forehead before answering. “Because it’s dangerous for her, me going there?”

  She moved her finger away from my head. “If you start digging around trying to figure out what Hannah Weldon was doing in the Warrens you could reveal the truth. Ysabeau Romee is a folk hero, the woman who freed the masses from the yoke of the Central Government. If it became widely known that she was a Union operative and that she’s still alive, the Warrens could descend back into chaos.”

  “I’m going there to find out about my mom, not Hannah.”

  “You say that like Hannah hasn’t been your mother, like you don’t know how lucky you are to have her. I would trade with you in a heartbeat.”

  “I know. I’m messed up. I do think of her as my mom, and I love her. And I’m sure you’re wrong about who she was. But is it crazy to want to know more about the woman that carried me around in her belly for almost nine months?”

  Winona kissed my forehead. “I’m messed up too, Duse, and I’m just going to be worse by the end of the summer without you here with me.”

  On my last night on Earth we went to Casa Paloma for dinner. I brought Winona along with me so we could be silly together, working the puzzles on the children’s menus and not listening to my parent’s conversation hopping back and forth between a report Hannah had written about the impacts of the burgeoning technology sector in the Warrens, and Dad talking about a new species of pterosaur discovered in Big Bend, and then back to Hannah talking about the upcoming elections on Bodens Gate.

  After dinner I excused myself to use the restroom and first Hannah and then Winona announced that they should come with me. Dad sighed and ordered a second of the restaurant’s namesake cocktails.

  When we entered the restroom, Winona made sure that it was just the three of us and then locked the door. Hannah looked at her, head tipped to the right.

  “I know who you are, Ms. Weldon.” That got my attention. Winona had called her Hannah from the first day I’d introduced them. “Or I should say, I know who you were sixteen years ago.” She unrolled her pad on the counter and opened the picture of the statue.

  Hannah glanced at it and I expected her to deny it was her, ma
ybe even claim she was just the model they had used so I could tap Winona’s forehead for a change.

  Hannah smiled. “They got it wrong. My hair was longer than that in those days. I told Cuza that a statue was a bad idea, but he wouldn’t listen.” She leaned closer, looking at who had posted it.

  “You won’t hurt him, will you? The man who posted this?”

  “No, of course not. I’m not a monster. Well, not as much of a monster as I once was. We’ll just make sure the picture goes away.”

  Winona was looking at her, big eyes wider than usual. “Ms. Weldon, I’ve been researching Bodens Gate all week. I’m in awe of you.”

  Hannah smiled, taken aback. “Thank you, Winona. Coming from you that’s an incredible honor.” She looked over at me. “You should close your mouth, Dusa.” I closed my mouth.

  “I told Duse how dangerous it would be for her to go digging around on Bodens Gate.” She glanced at me. “I think she understands.”

  “It will have more impact coming from you, I’m sure.”

  I was getting tired of them talking about me like I wasn’t there.

  “Mom?” They turned toward me and I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say. The world was upside down. I took a deep breath. “I’m afraid to go there now. What else am I going to find in the Warrens?”

  She shook her head. “Just don’t go digging for me there. You won’t like what you find.”

  I nodded, not trusting my voice.

  “And you, Ms. Killdeer, what are your plans for the summer?”

  “I’ve not decided, ma’am. Your daughter’s departure has left me distraught.”

  “I can understand that. Would you consider working for the Commission? I can’t offer you much pay, but I think you would find the work interesting.”

  Winona’s eyes lost focus for about three seconds. “I’ve considered it. When can I start? I am hoping it will allow me to better keep Mala Dusa safe.”

  “That’s my hope as well. Would next Monday be OK? Unless you want to spend more time with your friends after the end of term.”

  “Monday would be acceptable, fantastic even.” Winona was smiling at me like I was her new, favorite science project.

  I was busy staring at Hannah, wondering who she was, this woman my father loved and could never say no to, this woman who had rebuilt a world on a foundation of dead bodies including my mom’s, this woman who had been my mother.

  CHAPTER 3

  LEAVING HOME

  I got out of the car at Winona’s and walked with her to the front porch. My parents left me there to say my goodbyes, Dad reminding me that we had to be up early. It was only about a kilometer to my house from Winona’s and I needed some time alone with her. Watching the car disappear up the road, I wasn’t sure I wanted to go home at all.

  “That was a wonderful dinner, Duse, thanks for inviting me.” She sat on the porch step and tipped her head back looking at the stars. “You know, you can’t see Bodens Gate’s star from here. It’s in the southern hemisphere. It’s too bad really, I’d like to be able to look up at night knowing that you’re out there.”

  I sat down next to her and didn’t say anything.

  “I’m sorry about blowing up dinner, but I had to know for sure.”

  “Boom,” I answered and she laughed.

  “You should have seen your face. You’re not really afraid of her, are you?”

  “Can I stay here tonight?”

  “Nope. I want you to, but you should talk to her before you leave. I think she’s afraid right now.”

  “I know. She’s afraid she’s lost me. I could feel that in her.”

  Winn looked at me, trying to see inside my head. “That’s just weird how you do that.”

  “Weird Mala Dusa, that’s me. The freak.”

  “It’s why I love you. We’re freaks together.”

  We sat and looked at the stars for a while, listening to the night sounds. “You know Hannah offered you that job so she can keep an eye on you, right?”

  “I know. I took it so I could keep an eye on you.” She turned toward me. “Can I have your room while you’re gone?”

  “No! There’s personal things in there and you’d snoop. Why do you want my room, anyway?”

  “I would not snoop. Much.” She looked at me closely and I could see she was serious. “Hannah Weldon, Ysabeau Romee, your mom; she fascinates me. She’s a folk hero, a legend. Already, there are people in the Warrens questioning whether she was even real. And I know her!” Winona sighed. “It gives me shivers.”

  “Sure, you find a way to explain it to your parents and it’s all yours. Dad will talk geology every night during dinner, though, and you have to promise to act interested.”

  She looked at me, confused. “But I would be interested.”

  “Perfect, say it just like that.”

  We were quiet together for a long time, then I asked her, “Winn, did you know that I’m going to be the ship’s acting chaplain on the way to Bodens Gate? It’s part of the agreement between the church and RuComm, to sort of pay for my passage. I think I have to do a church service on board.” I smiled at her.

  “You need to take this seriously. What will you tell them?”

  “I’ll take it seriously, I just hope they take me seriously. I don’t think I look much like a chaplain.”

  “Tell them what you told me about your mom, Alice. How she was a geologist and marine biologist and chemist and found it didn’t matter without believing in something bigger.” Winona looked into my eyes. “Stand up straight when you say it and they’ll take you seriously.”

  I sighed. “I don’t think they’ll be looking to me for spiritual guidance, just the brief sermon. I hope.” I turned and looked at her sitting next to me, her head tipped back looking at the sky. “I have a hard enough time providing guidance to myself.”

  “Are you thinking about having a boyfriend again?” she asked softly.

  “Sometimes. I think I’d like to try one, you know? The girls in our class that have boyfriends, they seem to enjoy them most of the time. I’d just kind of like to try one out; someone to hold my hand at the theater, maybe kiss me or…” I sighed again. “Maybe touch me.”

  “If those are your criteria I believe I can find any number of boys for you that would be willing participants.”

  I chuckled. “I might need more than that.”

  “You want one that’s a freak, like you, like me.”

  “Yeah. Or maybe one that would just appreciate my freakishness.”

  “We are rare, but I’ll keep an eye out for a boy freak for you.”

  “I love you, Winn. I wish you were going with me.”

  She nodded and touched my hand. “Mala Dusa? I have something for you. I’d like you to take it with you.”

  She handed me a small, clear plastic sleeve with a lock of hair bound with a yellow ribbon inside.

  “Your hair?”

  “Yes.”

  “That has meaning in your culture, doesn’t it?”

  “They say it is an extension of my spirit, of who I am and all that I know. If you ever get tired of me, please burn it, so my spirit is released. Don’t throw it away.”

  I turned the sleeve, looking at the black strands reflecting the star light. “I’ll keep this with me forever if that’s OK with you.”

  “Sure, that would be OK.” She hugged me tight.

  Dad was still up waiting for me when I got home. He told me Hannah had gone to bed and that may have been true, but I could still feel her awake, worrying and afraid. I had never felt emotions from so far away. She seemed very vulnerable.

  “Winona wants to move into my room when I leave,” I told him, sitting down next to him at the kitchen table. “I told her it would be OK as long as her parents approved.”

  He frowned. “I was hopin
g for time alone with Hannah so I could chase her around the house some.”

  “I don’t need to hear that.”

  “It’s OK. I like Winona and Hannah said she was going to try to keep her close for the next few months.”

  “Don’t let Hannah hurt her.” I said it and then immediately regretted it, but I was still angry at having been lied to.

  “What is going through you brain right now? How can you be afraid of your mom? Everything she’s done for you doesn’t matter anymore?”

  “How many people has she killed, Dad? Do you even know?”

  “I know, Dusa, believe me. I’m the one who holds her in the night when she wakes up screaming.”

  “How many other lies have you told me?”

  “Just enough to keep her safe.”

  “That big scar across her back isn’t from a rock climbing accident, is it?”

  “Sword fight.”

  “And the internal damage that kept her from having children of her own?”

  “A blade that went right through her.”

  “Huh.” I looked into his eyes and sighed. “Winona sees her as some kind of mythic hero. She’s completely enthralled.”

  “I think Winona’s right to feel that way.”

  “I’d like to go say goodnight to her, if that’s OK.”

  “You don’t need my permission to kiss your mom goodnight.”

  I walked up the stairs still feeling troubled. When I opened her door the flood of emotions from her that washed over me made my chest hurt. I laid down next to her. She must have showered while I was at Winona’s because her hair was damp and smelled like jasmine.

  “I wish I was staying a few more days. I have a thousand questions and I probably shouldn’t ask them over the net.”

  She laughed. “Please don’t.”

  “Mom, who are you?”

  “You just said it. I’m your mom. Or I’ve tried to be. I tried really hard.” She touched my cheek, moving my hair out of the way. “Have I lost you now?”