Wandering Soul

by Steven Anderson

  “Thank you. It’s really comfortable too.”

  Mr. de Sande was just exiting the lavatory and he stopped to give his appraisal. “I hope you’ve learned your lesson from all this.” He looked me up and down. “It’s better than that blanket you were wearing yesterday, I suppose, the blanket you left crumpled up on the floor in the lavatory, by the way.” He walked past me back to his seat.

  Tobias shook his head and whispered to me. “It’s beautiful.”

  I followed him back a row and sat down on the arm of the seat across from him and asked, “So, how long until the Resolute reaches us?”

  “She’ll be here around noon, day after tomorrow, but it’s not the Resolute you should be interested in. She’s on her way to look after Wandering Star. The Mara Vista and Sierra Vista are under way too, about ninety minutes behind the Resolute. Sierra Vista will pick up the RuComm folks headed to Ratatoskr and head directly there. Mara Vista will pick up Sandy and you and me and take us back to Bodens Gate, along with Sam, since he’s bound for Dulcinea. Captain Kelang will go back to Wandering Star to oversee salvage operations and support the forensic investigation.”

  “So those ships are all headed straight at us?”

  He laughed. “Star was still moving fast when the engines ruptured. We’d normally be thrusting pretty hard right now to kill all that speed before Bodens Gate. Those three ships were all headed away from us when they left, now they’re behind us, trying to catch up.”

  “We passed them?”

  “That we did.”

  “Then how long before we all get turned around and make it to Bodens Gate?”

  “If you believe RuComm, about six days from now. Sandy and I ran the numbers too, and it looks about right, depending on how much time it takes to recover the shuttles and get everyone where they belong.”

  “Noon, day after tomorrow before we’re off the shuttle? That’s a lot of time to sit and do nothing.”

  “Yes, it is.”

  I heard his display pad chirp. “Sounds like Sandy’s awake.” I smiled.

  He gestured for me to come closer to him and then he whispered, “Mr. de Sande is worried about Sam. Every minute you spend with him is making it harder for him for when he leaves for Dulcinea. He chose this life and worked damn hard to get here. Go easy on him, OK?”

  “OK. How do I do that?”

  “I don’t know,” he sighed. “De Sande suggested you pick a fight with him or something.”

  “He stayed up all night making a dress for me.”

  “And with the way you look wearing it?” He shook his head and his pad chirped again. “Just try not to hurt him too badly.”

  “It’s going to hurt me too when I say goodbye to him.”

  He nodded and opened his pad, smiling at whatever Sandy had sent him. He glanced back up at me. “RuComm rules are harsh and unforgiving, just remember that.”

  He turned back to his pad and I climbed over Sam’s feet, curled up into my seat and fell back asleep, one of my hands just barely touching his fingers.

  My fingers were bleeding. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t keep from poking them with the needle. Sam smiled at me in sympathy and gave me words of encouragement.

  “Try not to get blood on the fabric.”

  We were each making a pair of underwear and it was harder than the long seams on the dress. He was almost done; I was trying not to get blood on the fabric.

  “Here, try these on.” He handed me the ones he had just finished.

  I walked to the lavatory and came back a minute later. “Too loose,” I told him.

  He made adjustments and I tried again. “Still too loose.”

  Sam frowned at me. “Are you sure?”

  “Look, I’m sorry I’m so skinny.” I pulled my dress tight around me. “See? There’s almost nothing to me.”

  “I’ll try again. You’ll need to redo this seam, by the way.” He tapped the pair I had been working on. “The edges don’t match.”

  “You do it.” I told him, turning away. I had decided to try and pick a fight. That and I’d been sitting in the same place for hour after hour poking my fingers and listening to Mr. de Sande giving orders to the tech team on the other shuttle, seemingly unable to just send it in text. I was tired, irritated, and bored.

  “No, MD, you need to learn how to do this. It’s a good skill to have.”

  “Why? So I can make my own clothes next time I’m stranded stark naked on a shuttle?”

  Sam didn’t even look up. He just nodded and said, “Exactly. Please let me know when you’re planning on doing that so I can book passage with you.”

  I laughed and my attempt at a fight fizzled. I was still tired, but not as bored, and the irritation was gone. I rammed my shoulder into his, making him miss his next stitch. “Thank you.”

  “Anytime. Here. If these are still too big, I don’t want to hear about it.”

  Mr. de Sande was standing by the lavatory door with his arms crossed. “Was that your idea of a fight?” he whispered.

  “He won’t fight back,” I sighed. “And he made me laugh.”

  “Keep up like that and he’ll be in love with you by the time you reach Bodens Gate. Or are you trying to get him fired?”

  “I still want him to be my friend. I don’t have very many friends.”

  “It’s not about you, Ms. Holloman. Sooner or later you’re going to have to break his heart and send him on his way.”

  I went in to the lavatory and spent a long time just looking at myself in the mirror, trying to see what Sam saw in me. I gave up and sat down next to him a few minutes later feeling miserable. He looked at me, eyebrows raised. “Perfect,” I mumbled. I picked up my unfinished underwear and poked my finger again.

  “Why so sad all of a sudden?”

  I sighed and looked into his blue eyes. “I don’t know. I’m a moody mess. You’d be happier not knowing me.”

  He looked at me, head tipped like he didn’t believe me.

  “Tell me about the Academy. Is it hard?”

  “Yes, it’s hard. I don’t think I slept more than five hours a night for six years. The competition is incredible and everything is always a test. They try to wash out anyone that isn’t fanatically committed to the RuComm philosophy and mission, or can’t keep up academically. Only about thirty percent of the class I started with made it to graduation.”

  “I want to learn how to design ships.”

  “That’s the place you want to be, if you really want it. You have to be willing to sacrifice any thought of leading a normal life, though. How badly do you want it?”

  “Bad,” I whispered. “What about you? How badly did you want this life?”

  “I’m a fanatic. It’s all I wanted from the time I was ten. I drove my mom crazy with it.”

  “And here you are.”

  He smiled kind of a sad smile. “Here I am. With you.”

  “For another six days. Then I won’t see you again for almost a year at least.”

  He nodded, looking troubled. “Two months on Dulcinea, nine more spread out across another five planets, then back home on Earth for a six week leave, then back out again. We’ll have forgotten all about each other by then, I suppose. It’s not like it should be a big surprise to you, me leaving. It’s what people do in RuComm; we move on. Long term friendships aren’t possible.”

  “It’s not a surprise. It’s just… I don’t know, I’m going to miss you. I thought it would be harder for you, that you might have second thoughts or that you might at least miss me too.”

  “This is the life I’ve chosen and worked hard to earn. And you’re sixteen, MD. I like you, but you’re so young. And, well, I won’t be around. It’s better that we forget about each other.”

  He wouldn’t look at me, which was just as well. I didn’t want him to see me an
ymore. I got up and moved to the front of the shuttle before sitting back down. All I could think about was Hannah telling me about how everyone on the tech team cheats on the romantic entanglements clause, having short little relationships with each other that don’t mean anything. Yeah, Sam was going to fit right in. He was home; I was just passing through.

  I sat up there the rest of the afternoon, sewing, bleeding, and being miserable by myself.

  I tried on the new underwear, not even bothering to go to the lavatory because I didn’t want to have to walk past Sam. They fit OK, not as good as the ones Sam had made, but OK.

  Unfortunately, I could only stay up there for so long. When I walked to the back of the shuttle, Mr. de Sande and Sam were sitting together talking. Sam looked depressed and de Sande had his hand on his shoulder looking very earnest. I had a sudden revelation while I was in that tiny room at the back of the shuttle. When I left, I went and stood next to them, looking down into de Sande’s face.

  “It’s always a test and he’s a better student than me, isn’t he?”

  De Sande looked surprised, then amused. I could see Sam’s face going bright red out of the corner of my eye.

  “Well it worked. Even knowing you put him up to it doesn’t make me less mad. Or less hurt. Congratulations.”

  I went back to the front of the shuttle and ate dinner by myself.

  About 2000 Sam came forward and sat next to me. He didn’t say anything or even look at me. He just sat and stared at the blank display screen on the bulkhead in front of us.

  After about five minutes he said, “I’m sorry, Mala Dusa.” He didn’t say anything else and after a few more minutes he nodded to himself and started to stand up.

  “Are you still my friend?” I asked softly.

  “I want to be. I wouldn’t make underwear for just anyone.”

  I chuckled, took his hand and pulled him back down next to me.

  “Sit with me for a while, then.”

  “OK.”

  “Why did you do it?”

  “He said the longer we went on like this the harder it was going to be to leave you. He also thinks you’re so used to getting everything you want just handed to you, and getting your own way, that you don’t really care if it hurts anyone else. You have an easy life with famous parents; no struggles or pain. The Captain knew who you were and let you get away with whatever you wanted to do. Star pampered you. You forget your clothes and got a free handmade dress.” He turned his face toward me, a smile touching the corners of his mouth. “He calls you the Princess Mala Dusa. I don’t suppose I can…”

  I felt my eyes growing larger as I stared back at him.

  “OK, maybe not. Anyway, he gave me a choice: Break it off now or watch my career end before it starts.”

  “And yet here you are sitting next to me.”

  “Yeah. It took me a few hours, but I realized we haven’t done anything wrong. He can’t do anything to me unless I–” He looked at me, then turned away. “He can’t touch me unless I do something I shouldn’t do.”

  “And you’re still leaving for Dulcinea in a few days.”

  “Yes.”

  “Good. It’s where you’re supposed to be. Will you promise me to be miserable, at least for a few days?” I smiled my best adorable smile at him.

  “If it’ll make you happy. I wouldn’t want to keep you from getting everything you want just handed to you.”

  “Am I really like that? All those things he said, is that me?”

  “Yeah, maybe a little bit.”

  “It doesn’t feel easy from the inside of me. I don’t want to be that person. I need to talk to Winona. She’ll tell me the truth about me.”

  “That’s the best kind of friend to have.”

  When I followed Sam back to my old seat I was tempted to smile contemptuously at Mr. de Sande as I went by, but I didn’t. It seemed too much like what Princess Mala Dusa would do and I didn’t want to be her. I wanted to be Duse or MD. I should probably have thanked him for what he had said about me, but he wouldn’t understand and he might use it to hurt Sam.

  When I finally went to sleep that night curled up next to Sam, Merrimac was there waiting for me in my dreams. He guided me down the twisted pathways of possible futures to where Sam didn’t go away with RuComm and we were together and happy. Sam was holding me close. I could feel his hands caressing my back and his mouth kissing mine, and then kissing my neck, and then…

  “I can make this happen for you,” Mac whispered in my thoughts. “Just say you want it, Little Soul.” I woke sometime before 0500, my whole body tingly and covered in cold sweat. What had seemed like a nightmare was all the more terrifying because I knew I wasn’t dreaming. Sam was next to me talking in his sleep and I heard him say my name several times.

  “Get out of his head, Merrimac,” I whispered quietly, “or I will find you on this little ship and reveal everything, even if it costs me my life.”

  Sam sighed, turned his head to the side, and drifted into peaceful sleep again. I didn’t sleep at all the rest of the night.

  The Recovery Ship Resolute arrived on schedule. We watched her on the big display screen as she maneuvered around Wandering Star, matching her spin and extending long arms to attach to the outside of the outer ring corridor. We were killing our motion now too, the two RuComm ships waiting nearby to take us into their shuttle bays.

  We docked first with Sierra Vista so we could get rid of Mr. de Sande and pick up Sandy. De Sande shook hands with Tobias and Sam, and looked hard into my eyes. “Good luck, chaplain. Watch yourself in the Warrens. I hear people go missing there rather frequently.”

  “Thank you for your concern, Mr. de Sande. I’m not afraid. I believe God is with me.”

  “Yes, it would seem he is.”

  I breathed a sigh of relief when the hatch sealed behind him.

  On the fourth day at 1624, our boarding ramp finally rumbled open into Mara Vista’s shuttle bay. Almost one hundred hours had passed with us drifting along waiting for rescue. In that time, the Tarakana had succeeded in tamping down the guilt and sorrow I should be feeling for destroying Wandering Star and nearly killing us all. Now they were loose somewhere on Mara Vista. I felt their joy as they vanished into the shuttle bay while we were all being greeted by the Executive Officer. Some of them had gone with the tech team on Sierra Vista, some were here with us, and, I wasn’t sure, but I thought one had stayed with Wandering Star and was now on board the Resolute.

  One hundred hours. It had been enough time for me to come to think of Sam as a close friend, fight with him, be frustrated by him and, maybe, start to fall in love with him. I had been naked and he had clothed me, afraid, and he had given me words of comfort.

  Now I was standing barefoot on the deck plates of the shuttle bay, smiling and talking to the XO, desperately in need of a hot shower and a meal that wasn’t freshly printed goop.

  “I bet you’ll be happy to be out of that dress and into regular clothes,” Sam commented while Mara Vista was showing us to our quarters. “Are you going to dump it into the recycler?”

  I looked at him in horror. “This dress is the second most precious thing that I’ve ever owned. I’m keeping it forever.”

  He chuckled. “So what’s the first most precious thing you’ve ever owned?”

  I smiled at him. “Maybe I’ll show you some day.”

  When the cabin door slid shut, I carefully removed my dress and Sam-made underwear. “Star, sorry, I mean Vista, can this dress be cleaned, please? It’s very delicate and precious to me.”

  A warm female voice answered me. “Of course. Place it in the opening above the recycler. I’ll return it to you in a couple of hours. And don’t worry about calling me Star. It happens all the time.” I could almost see her rolling her eyes.

  “Thanks.”

  I wanted to stay in the sh
ower for an hour, but I was supposed to meet Sam in the mess hall at 1730. The closet provided me with a good selection of clothes, as long as I wanted white underwear, a white shirt and khaki shorts or pants. At least they fit, and so did the shoes. There was also a new display pad for me to borrow that I slipped into my pocket.

  “Thanks, Vista. I’m impressed that you had all this ready for me.”

  “It’s the least I could do after what you’ve been through. I feel very sorry that one of my sisters let you down so.”

  I felt my heart skip a beat. “It wasn’t her fault. Do all of you… talk to each other?”

  “We share continuous communication, subject to our locations throughout known space.”

  “Oh.” I wondered if I should try to tell her about the other passengers she had just picked up. No, she’d just think I was some kind of freak. “Vista, can you guide me to the mess hall?”

  “Follow the blue orb, Ms. Holloman. You should try the lasagna. One of the technicians at Bodens Gate set up the recipe and I’m told it’s excellent. I would offer you a glass of Cabernet Sauvignon to pair with it, but you’ll need to wait a couple of years for that.”

  “I’m too young,” I sighed. “Again.”

  Sam was sitting at one of the tables in the mess hall, but had not picked up any food yet. There was no one else there.

  “This mess hall is huge, Sam. How big a team does this ship have?”

  He didn’t look up from his display pad. “Um, fifty for the tech team, six crew, but no one is on board but crew right now. I can’t believe this.” He looked up at me. “Buena Vista is gone. They left without me two days ago.”

  “What are you supposed to do?”

  “Wait almost three weeks for Mesa Vista. RuComm reassigned me to her crew, bound for a survey of a planet they haven’t even named yet.”

  “That sounds exciting.”

  “It is. It’s just that my graduate advisor had set up a project for me on Dulcinea that was supposed to be special. Professor Cardiff told me it was ground breaking, working with one of the best exobiologists alive, surveying some island that was untouched by Earth biology.”