Bubba Dub Dub

by Sam Cheever

  “So you didn’t see who attacked you?”

  “Unfortunately no, I didn’t peek under the curtain. But it was obvious my safe house wasn’t so safe. And I had no idea who to trust.” He gave me a smile. “I figured I was more secure on my own.”

  I nodded. “So you came to Sinful?”

  “Only briefly. When I left the safe house I hotwired a car and got out of the state. I kept taking cars until I got here. Then I grabbed my insurance bounty…”

  I held up a hand. “Wait a minute. Insurance bounty?”

  “Yes. It’s the reason the Russians are looking for me.” He flushed, looking guilty. “I haven’t been precisely honest with you, honey. I didn’t just leave with gold and bourbon last time. I knew Nicolai wouldn’t stop until he’d killed me so I took something of his to use as leverage.”

  “What was it?” Fortune asked. I looked up to find my three friends had gathered around the bench and were listening intently.

  “Evidence that Nicolai has been extorting money from local politicians and businessmen.” He flushed again. “And some money.”

  “Dad!”

  He shrugged. “I’m sorry, Felly. You know I have a weakness where money’s concerned.” He shook his head. “Had…a weakness.” He gave me his serene smile again. “I’ve found what I really can’t live without now, honey.” He lifted a hand to indicate his surroundings. “Here.”

  I squeezed his hand, happy for him, but I had to ask. “How did you become a monk? I mean, so fast?”

  He laughed softly. “Just between you and me I’m not really…exactly…a monk. Not in a technical sense.” He pointed to his chest. “But here…in my heart…I’m fully committed.”

  “But I don’t understand. You just walked in the door and said, here I am, I’m a monk, let me live here?”

  “Of course not.” He shook his head, laughing at me. “Do you remember Todd Stevens? From the firm?”

  I strained my brain. The name was familiar. Then it clicked. “He was that accountant who was robbed at gunpoint and had a come-to-Jesus moment.”

  “Exactly! Todd left the firm shortly after the incident and dedicated himself to the Order. I came to him and he agreed to cover for me.”

  I frowned, suddenly remembering more about Todd Stevens. “Why would he do that? I thought he hated you.”

  Father sighed. “It’s true, I did sleep with his wife…”

  From high above us on her celestial perch, Gertie gasped. “You did what?”

  My father shrugged. “It was a moment of weakness. I’d just gotten a divorce from Felly’s mother and I was lonely. Trisha Stevens was stupid drunk and hated her husband.” He shrugged again.

  “So why did he help you?” I asked.

  He gave me a look filled with awe. “That’s the wonderful thing about religion, Felly. It’s all about forgiveness. Todd forgave me and said he wanted to help me move on from my sins.”

  “That was very Christian of him,” Ida Belle observed.

  “Yeah,” my father agreed. “That, and he knew that all new members of the order had to perform a month of toilet scrubbing duties to prove their faithfulness to the flock.”

  Fortune snorted. “Sweet revenge.”

  He sighed. “Yes.”

  The weight that had been bearing down on me since the day Rouse called to tell me my father was missing finally lifted. He was safe. He was happy. And he was scrubbing toilets for his sins. Life was just about perfect. “Well, I think this is all wonderful.” I hugged him.

  “Yes. But there’s just one more thing that needs to be done, Felly. Can you help me out with a final, small detail?”

  “Sure. What is it?”

  He slid a gaze over me and Swamp Team 3. “I’m afraid you’ll need the help of your friends.”

  Gertie nodded so hard her newfound halo slipped. Fortune and Ida Belle looked suspicious. “What exactly do you need done, Mr. Chance?” Ida Belle asked.

  “I need you to retrieve my insurance bounty and deliver it to Big Hebert. I hid it under an old bathtub on Number Two. It’s in a metal suitcase.”

  I gasped. “Seriously?”

  “I’ve never been more serious, honey. Big and I have a deal. He’s agreed to tell Nicolai that I’m dead. That he’s killed me. In exchange he’ll keep all the money and hand over the evidence against Nicolai.”

  “But won’t this Nicolai wonder where the money went?” Fortune asked.

  “Sure. But if Big tells him he’s never seen any money, Nicolai won’t start a war with the Heberts over it. It’s not enough money for that.”

  I realized it just might work. “Okay. It’s a deal. But you have to promise me one thing?”

  “What’s that, honey?”

  “You have to promise you won’t leave the Order once Nicolai has been gotten rid of. You have to stay here and really become a monk. That way I’ll know you’re safe and I can come and visit.”

  “I agree, Felly. There’s no place I’d rather be.”

  If that was true, then why didn’t I believe him? “Do you promise?”

  He leaned in and gave me a kiss on the cheek. “You have my word, Felly.”

  As we left him behind in his new nirvana, I couldn’t help wondering if Lance P Fenus’s word was worth more than Felonius Chance’s word had been.

  Because that hadn’t been worth squat.

  ###

  Carter called Fortune when we were on our way back home. “Hey,” she said when she answered her cell.

  Sitting next to her, I could hear Carter ask if I was in the car.

  I reached for the phone. “Hey, Carter. What’s up?”

  “Detective Rouse is here. He said he checked flights from n’awlins and you aren’t on any of them. He’s insisting that I tell him where you are.”

  I grimaced. “I’m not exactly in Sinful right now.”

  “When will you be back?”

  I glanced at Fortune and she shook her head.

  “Not for a while. We’re going to Mudbug for some shopping.”

  Fortune gave me a thumbs up.

  “Okay. I’ll tell him.” Carter actually sounded relieved. “You might want to check your phone. I’ve been trying to call you all morning. The battery must be dead.”

  “Okay. Thanks.” I started to hang up.

  “Oh, and Felicity?”

  “Yes?”

  The Russian guy who came looking for you at Gertie’s…”

  I frowned, wondering how Carter knew they’d been looking for me. I made a mental note not to underestimate Deputy LeBlanc again. “Mm-hm.”

  “He swears up and down he didn’t break into Gertie’s. He said the door was already open when he got there. You might want to tell Gertie. She needs to be more careful about locking her door.”

  “You believed him?”

  “Yeah. Strangely enough I did. He lied to me about a lot of other stuff, but about that he was telling the truth.”

  “Okay, I’ll tell her. Thanks.” I disconnected and glanced at Gertie. “Is it possible you left your front door open last night?”

  She frowned. “I don’t think so.”

  Ida Belle shook her head. “She didn’t. I checked it. Why?”

  The Russian swears he didn’t break in. He said the door was already ajar when he got there.”

  “He’s lying,” Fortune said.

  “Carter doesn’t think so. He believed the guy.”

  Silence filled the car for a few beats while we all considered the new information.

  Finally, Gertie said, “We can’t go directly to my house. You told Carter you were in Mudbug.”

  I was staring out the window at the ribbon of brown water winding its way alongside the highway. I’d been thinking the same thing. Carter’s house was way too close to Gertie’s and main street was entirely too visible to the Sheriff’s Department. “I agree. But I’d like to get to Number Two and get that suitcase today. I want to hand it over to Big Hebert and be done with this mess once and for all. M
y father isn’t safe until it’s done.”

  Ida Belle had been quiet since driving away from the monastery. She turned to Gertie as we passed the sign for Alligator Bridge, three miles ahead. “Lena’s shop!”

  Gertie gave her a slightly dazed look. “Huh?”

  “Great idea,” Fortune said. “Felicity and I will wait there while you two get the airboat. If you run into Carter you can just tell him Felicity and I are shopping by ourselves. Once you get the boat you can pick us up at the shop.”

  “But my hair appointment…” Gertie complained.

  Ida Belle gave her soft, white nest of hair a quick look. “It looks fine. Just call and reschedule for next week. Surely things will calm down by then.”

  Fortune shook her head. “Yeah. Surely.”

  Gertie pulled the big caddy under the bald cypress trees hugging the drive at Lena Borne’s now closed shop and stopped. “We’ll be back in twenty-five minutes with the boat. Make sure you’re ready to hop on board in case we have a tail.”

  I shoved my hands into my pockets as Gertie backed out and spun off, sending a cloud of gravel and dust into the air behind them. “A tail? Has my life really come to this?”

  Fortune clapped me on the shoulder. “Welcome to my world. When this is all done, I’m sure you’ll be thrilled to go back to your quiet, boring life in Indianapolis.”

  I nodded in agreement, but even as I did I wasn’t entirely sure she was right. I’d never felt as alive as I had the two times I’d visited Sinful. I was pretty sure I was going to miss the heck out of it when I left.

  “Miss Felicity Chance. Fancy meetin’ you here.”

  I stiffened at the familiar, hated voice. Turning around, I did my best not to glare at Rouse as he strolled up, cocky as he could be. The bump on his head had gotten even uglier since I last saw him. It now encompassed several hues of the color rainbow. I forced myself to fake a smile. “Detective Rouse. What a nice surprise.”

  Fortune eyed the big cop up and down, her eyes hard and cold as he skimmed her a return look. “Fortune Redding, I presume? Since we last met, I’ve learned a lot about you and the two old ladies. Your sheriff might be older than dinosaur poop, but he sure does like to talk.”

  Fortune stiffened visibly, her jaw flexing. Her hand slipped around to the small of her back and I was pretty sure she was going for a gun.

  I slipped my arm through hers and gave her a stiff smile, widening my eyes as she served me up a big Southern helping of gator eye. “What are you doing out here, Rouse?”

  He cocked a leg and shoved his thumbs into the pockets of his dusty jeans. “I was just gonna ask you two the same thing.”

  Amazed at myself, I opened my mouth and lied every bit as smoothly as Ida Belle could. “I’m bored in Indianapolis and I love the weather here in Sinful. I’m actually thinking about buying Lena Borne’s shop and giving Sinful a go.”

  Fortune eyed me like she wasn’t sure if I was lying.

  I didn’t blame her. As soon as I had the thought I realized it wasn’t an entirely horrible idea. The only thing missing would be the sexy, talented and thoroughly intrepid Cal.

  Rouse picked something green from his teeth. “You don’t say?”

  “Actually, I do say.”

  “You never answered her question,” Fortune said. “What are you doing out here, Rouse?” She shifted her weight to her other foot, smoothly shaking off my grip, and her forearm muscles flexed as her hand closed over the revolver I could see tucked under her t-shirt.

  “I’m guessin’ I’m here for the same reason you two are here.” Rouse’s left hand slid behind his back and came out with a gun. “To get the suitcase your dad hid here in Sinful.”

  A piece of the puzzle fell into place. “You were the one who broke into Gertie’s last night.”

  He didn’t deny it.

  “You were looking for a suitcase?”

  He just smiled.

  I swallowed hard as my throat threatened to close up on me. I could hear the buzzing throb of an airboat skipping over the bayou. The sound was steadily growing closer. Fortune and I had only minutes to deal with Rouse and get to the water. “I don’ know anything about a suitcase, Detective.”

  Fortune’s arm moved slightly. I tried really hard not to look at her. “You told Carter you were looking for Mr. Chance.”

  Rouse opened his mouth and sent a stream of spittle into the grass at his feet. “Oh I was, Ms. Redding. I was looking for him so I could get that suitcase. But I have a feeling Miss Chance knows where it is.”

  I frowned. “Why would you think that?”

  “Because it’s obvious you’ve been looking for it. And I just passed your cohorts in crime speeding back to Sinful in that hog tied Cadillac of theirs. They looked like women on a mission.” He cocked his head. “And I was told you were in Mudbug, yet here you are. There’s only one reason you’d lie to me, Miss Chance.”

  I decided it was time for a good bluff. “You’re right,” I told him. “I lied because I can’t stand you. You drive me crazy. And the last thing I wanted today is to stand here with a gun pointed at me and listen to you rant and rave about stupid stuff.” I turned to Fortune. “Come on, Fortune. I hear the boat coming.”

  Fortune shifted her weight and I heard the distinctive sound of a bullet being chambered. “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”

  I glanced over at Fortune and saw the gun in her hand. She wasn’t moving, her deadly gaze locked on Rouse. “If you shoot her I’ll shoot you,” she told Rouse.

  I jerked my gaze toward the cop and saw the muzzle of his long, black gun pointed right at me, center mass as they always say on the cop shows. I squeaked softly in alarm.

  “Drop the gun, Miss Redding.”

  “You won’t sho—“

  Rouse jerked his hand and the dirt an inch from my feet geysered up. Tiny little rocks sliced into my calf and I screamed, short and sharp with pure fear.

  Fortune slowly lowered her gun, dropping it to the ground and kicking it to Rouse.

  He picked it up, his eye on us the entire time. “Good move. Now let’s go meet your friends. I think we have a suitcase to pick up.”

  ###

  The poop-scented aroma of Number Two wasn’t getting any easier to take with each successive visit there. Having a crazy man holding a gun on us as we sped across the lake toward the island stunk pretty badly too.

  All I could think about was whether Rouse had been following us when we went to see my dad. Unfortunately, with my lips flapping around my ears and my eyes glued shut by bug-infested wind, I wasn’t in a very good position to question him at the moment. One thing I was pretty sure of was that Rouse must have been the one to shoot at my dad in the safe house. That explained the swollen bump on his forehead too. I was glad for that bump. At least my father got his licks in before he took off.

  Despite the face-altering speed which Ida Belle used to get us to Number Two, she didn’t pull anything funny on the way. Having a gun jammed into her ribs was apparently enough of a motivation not to get cute.

  When Rouse had first forced us onto the airboat with Gertie and Ida Belle, I’d had hopes that she would be able to ditch him along the way. After all, she’d nearly ditched Gertie and me several times on the previous outing. And she hadn’t even been trying then.

  “Don’t pull in there,” Rouse shouted over the engine and the wind. “Pull around to the other side of the island.”

  I managed to crank my eyes open just enough to look at Ida Belle. She was frowning…which could have been a reaction to Rouse’s instruction, or just a continuation of her usual expression.

  “The water’s too shallow there and the knees will catch us up.”

  “Just do it!” Rouse responded.

  Ida Belle slowed the boat way down as we rounded Number Two and looked around for a spot where she could squeeze the boat through the knobby projections.

  “Over there,” Fortune pointed to a spot farther down the shoreline.

 
Ida Belle grimaced. “I’m not sure if it’s deep enough.” She shared a look with Fortune and the younger woman gave an almost indiscernible nod.

  I grasped Gertie’s hand and widened my eyes. She squeezed tight to let me know she’d gotten the message. We braced ourselves against the bottom of the boat.

  Ida Belle steered the air boat carefully through a new crop of knees and then, when we’d cleared them and the shoreline opened up, suddenly jammed the throttle forward and the boat shot headlong toward land.

  It hit land hard and jolted to a stop. Rouse flew forward, arms akimbo, and Fortune jabbed her leg out to send him sprawling. Gertie and I got up and started kicking him, trying to send him off the side of the boat. Unfortunately, he’d managed to wrap an arm around the seat frame and wasn’t going anywhere. His hand came up, still holding the gun. “Nice try, ladies. Now get back or I’ll happily shoot all of you.”

  “You won’t get very far finding that money if you do,” Fortune told him.

  He eyed me. “I only need one of you to find that suitcase.”

  I swallowed hard. The message was clear. If I didn’t cooperate my friends would die. “I’ll show you where it is Rouse. Nobody needs to get hurt.”

  He jerked his head toward the island. “Start walking.”

  Forty-five minutes later I still hadn’t found the tub my father had told us hid his insurance bounty. There was all sorts of detritus on the island. We’d even found the still we’d been looking for earlier. It was obscured by a clever mash of cardboard and moss, making it look like an abandoned campsite.

  But no tub.

  Rouse slapped at a mosquito, grimacing at the splotch of fresh blood on his hand. “I’m starting to think you’re playin’ with me, Felicity.” He pointed the gun at Gertie, whose cheeks were red from the effort of trudging around the island. “Should I start with this one? She looks half dead already.”

  I jumped in front of Gertie. “No! Leave her alone. I’ll find the suitcase. Just give me time.”

  “I’m about out of patience, girl. You have fifteen minutes and then I start taking out annoying women.”