The Unwanted Assistant

by Evangeline Kelly

  Dear Ivy,

  We can go back and forth like this all year if need be, but I’m not giving up until you take this money.

  Sawyer

  I threw the letter and check on top of my chest of drawers. This was about him getting his way. I thought about purchasing seventy-five thousand dollars’ worth of rotten eggs and hand delivering them to his doorstep. That would stop the letters. I couldn’t help but smile.

  But then I sighed and my shoulders drooped forward in defeat. I didn’t want to become that woman. The one who let bitterness and lack of forgiveness consume her life. I would allow myself to cry over the disappointment and hurt feelings, but I had to pick myself up and move on. Maybe God was showing me I’d been too reckless with my heart.

  Yes, I wanted a relationship—wanted it so bad my body ached with longing. But from this day forward, I would focus on other priorities, trust God, and do my best to erase Sawyer from my thoughts.

  It was then I realized I wouldn’t be calling Austin back. He made his choice when he chased after Tina. I was ready to make choices for my future that had nothing to do with him . . . or Sawyer.

  My eyes fell on the seventy-five-thousand-dollar check. This back-and-forth game ended now. I wouldn’t return it this time, but I wouldn’t cash it either. I ripped up the check and let the pieces fall into the trash can.

  Chapter 30

  Sawyer

  2 weeks ago . . .

  As I watched Ivy drive away, so many thoughts ran through my head I didn’t know what to focus on first. I loved surprising her with dinner, and the look on her face when she saw the gifts was well worth the effort.

  It had taken every shred of determination not to give into temptation when Ivy had leaned in close and lifted her pink lips. She’d wanted me to kiss her, and I’d nearly swept her into my arms and forgotten about the promise I’d made to myself to protect her. At the last minute I’d managed to kiss her on the cheek and walk away but it had taken a great deal of restraint.

  Guilt weighed on me for turning down her invitation to go to California. I’d wanted to say yes, but being around that many people: at the airport, on the plane, and in Los Angeles . . . No, I couldn’t do it.

  How long would I allow this to go on? I didn’t want to let her go and nausea whirled in my stomach every time I thought about ending things between us. We’d grown attached, and it wouldn’t be fair to her to continue down this road since she would only want more than I could give her.

  I went inside to get a flashlight, and then took the path leading to the pond in order to pack up the tent and a few other items. Henry had promised to clean up the rest tomorrow. The night air cooled my skin, and it was unusually quiet as I hiked through the woods.

  When I was nearly to the tent, my flashlight caught on a phone a few steps away. I picked it up, and it pinged. Two notifications flashed across the front showing messages from a social app. One appeared to have come through earlier than the other.

  Ivy, I’m sorry we argued about Sawyer . . .

  The second notification said: I’m concerned he’s having a negative influence on you . . .

  Her phone must have fallen out when she’d dropped her purse on our walk back to the house. Since the messages were cut off, the only way I’d be able to read the entire thing would be if I had her passcode to unlock the phone, but I would never do that without her permission.

  I’d seen enough though—someone worried my influence had been detrimental. I hung my head in shame because it only confirmed what I already feared. She was better off without me, and the longer I prolonged this the harder it would be for both of us.

  The fact that she’d been arguing with a friend or possibly one of her parents filled me with regret. My stomach turned from the bitter taste of bile that made its way up my throat. I knew what needed to happen.

  And it made me sick.

  Sawyer

  Current Day . . .

  “Sawyer, get up,” Hayden said as he roughly shook my shoulders. “It’s past noon. I didn’t say anything yesterday or the day before that but this is ridiculous. You can’t sleep your life away.”

  He’d come by every day for the last two weeks. Not wanting to talk, I’d pretended to be asleep each time.

  I rolled over in bed. “Oh yeah? Watch me.”

  “Stubborn man,” he grumbled. “Enough of this. You chose to fire her. Live with it.”

  I hadn’t slept well last night or any night since I’d kicked Ivy out of my life. I’d known it would be hard but hadn’t counted on it being this intense. My heart had been gouged out and torn to pieces—by my own hand.

  “Leave me alone. I’m not in the mood to talk.”

  A moment later, he ripped the comforter off the bed, fabric swishing as it landed in a pile on the floor. Spunky move on Hayden’s part. I had at least fifty pounds on him and could easily remove him from the room if I wanted.

  “Hayden, I told you I’m not in the mood for this today. Keep your lectures to yourself.”

  “Not this time. I don't know what happened between you and Ivy, but this moping around like your life is over has to stop.”

  “I’m not moping. Haven't you heard of someone trying to get a decent night’s sleep?”

  “It’s too late in the day to be sleeping.”

  I covered my face with a hand and groaned. “Why can’t I get her out of my head?”

  “Because she meant something to you.” His voice deepened. “You may not have told me what went on between the two of you, but it wasn’t hard to figure out. You were happy. It scared you, so you pushed her away.”

  “I saved her the trouble of having to break up with me later.”

  Even if she didn’t see that or never did, I’d put her best interest above my own. My selfishness led to the accident, and I wouldn’t let my desire to be with Ivy cloud my judgment this time around. She deserved to be with someone who lived life to the fullest. Not someone who refused to leave the house.

  I glanced at Hayden, barely meeting his eyes. “You don’t know anything about it.”

  “Oh really? Last I checked, it was me who had to call Ivy and tell her she was fired. It was me who had to listen to her cry on the other end of the line while you wouldn’t even give her two seconds of your time.”

  Blood pounded through my head, and I pushed my hands against my temples. Hearing the details of how I’d wounded her would destroy me. He continued to talk, but I’d already blocked him out. I covered my head with the pillow.

  Hayden ripped it from me and threw it across the room. “I’m done, Sawyer. I’m done indulging you.”

  My fists clenched, and I scrambled to a sitting position, heat flooding my face. “You don’t understand what I’m going through right now. Take a step back before I do something I’ll regret.”

  He held his hands up and moved backward, eyes widening. I’d never spoken to him that way before. “Fine. I’ll give you space, but I’m not leaving until we settle this.”

  “There’s nothing to settle.” I slapped a hand across my chest. “This is who I am. I can’t change.”

  “That’s hogwash. You can, but you’ve chosen not to.” He paced around the room. “A proverb comes to mind. ‘He who is often reproved, yet stiffens his neck, will suddenly be broken beyond healing.’”

  “Where’d you hear that? Some fortune cookie?”

  “Try Proverbs 29:1.”

  It was as if he held up a mirror, and I saw my future self: haggard, bitter, dying a slow death. “You think I’m beyond healing?”

  “You’ve stiffened your neck, hardened yourself to any counsel to get more involved at work or church.” His voice rose a notch. “You pushed the one person away who was getting through to you. And now you’ve given up.” He drew in a ragged breath and paced a few steps. “And for the record, no, I don’t think you’re beyond healing. Not yet.”

  I shut my eyes. “You’ve said your piece. Now let me be.”

  “I’m not done.” He too
k a step closer. “If you continue to refuse assistance, you’re going to wake up one day and realize you’re old and alone. I won’t be there to help you. I’m not a young man anymore.”

  “Thanks,” I said, voice hoarse. “Wonderful image you just put in my head.”

  “God wants to heal your heart, but you’re refusing to let him.”

  His words cut into me like razor blades slicing through soft flesh. I grasped the sheet underneath me, unable to meet his gaze. A well of emotion threatened to splash to the surface, but I slammed down a brick wall to keep it out.

  “I’m not sure what made you think living in this state is okay.” He breathed heavily. “Look at me, Sawyer.”

  Reluctantly, I turned to him.

  “You’re like a son to me. I can’t stand to see you like this.” His eyes moistened as he sat next to me on the bed. “Trust God.”

  I blinked. “I do . . .”

  “Trust him.”

  Frowning, I glanced at him. “I already told you, I do.”

  “Sawyer. Trust. God.”

  I jumped to my feet. “I do. How many times do I have to say it?” My pulse throbbed at my temples, threatening to burst like a dam.

  “Do you?” His eyes pierced right through me. He rose from the bed and stood toe-to-toe with me. “Because trust requires action. It’s not only something you feel. If you trust Him, act on that belief.”

  Trust requires action. My heartbeat grew erratic. I believed God knew best, but Hayden was right about one thing: I hadn’t allowed that belief to guide my actions in this area of my life.

  His features sagged, and his arms fell limp at his sides. “You can continue as you always have or you can put aside your pride and your fear and even your sadness and get back in the battle.”

  Every muscle in my body itched to storm out of the room, but I willed myself to stay put. “And what battle is that?”

  “The one that doesn’t allow depression or anger or fear rule over you. Yes, you experience the emotions, but you don’t permit those emotions to control your life.” His eyes pled with me to listen. “Let people in. Let Ivy in.”

  My heart pounded and the room seemed too small, as if it was caving in on me. Neither of us spoke for several moments.

  Hayden finally broke the silence. “What’s holding you back, Son?”

  Adrenaline pumped through me. I wanted to go on a run, to escape this conversation. “I don’t . . .”

  “You don’t what?”

  I bit the inside of my cheek. “I can’t say it.”

  “Yes, you can.”

  The air was stifling, and the room seemed to shrink with every second. My head pounded and blood roared in my ears.

  “I’m out of here.” I started to push past him, but he blocked my path. “Don’t get in my way, Hayden. I don’t want to hurt you, but I have to get out of here.”

  “You’re not leaving until we’re done.”

  “We’re done all right.”

  He put a hand on my chest as if to hold me in place. “Let me repeat,” he said, tone forceful. “What’s holding you back?”

  And then the dam burst forth. I muscled passed him to the other side of the room and slugged my fist through the bedroom door. My chest heaved and breathing came quick and fast.

  “I don’t want to let her down.” My words spilled out in a mixture of agony and defeat. “Just like I let Zach down.” I slammed my palm on the door and then dropped my head, observing through fuzzy vision the hole my fist made.

  Breathing in and out, I tried to pull myself together. I walked back to the bed and sat down.

  Hayden moved to sit next to me. “You didn’t let him down. You neglected him at times, but you were there when it counted. Zach knew you loved him.” His hand gripped the back of his neck and his face contorted as if he fought back tears. “I miss him too. He was a good kid.” His voice cracked. Turning away, he ducked his head. “But if you think shutting everyone out of your life is honoring his memory—”

  “I want to change, but it feels impossible.”

  “Change comes one step after the next.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You eat an elephant one bite at a time.”

  “We’re talking about elephants now?”

  “Sometimes I think an elephant would be a lot easier to tame than you.”

  There was a pause, and Hayden’s lips twitched. I looked away for a moment, considering his statement. When I glanced back, his eyes filled with amusement, and he pressed his lips together like he held back a smile.

  “That’s probably true,” I said.

  We both erupted into laughter at the same time.

  Hayden wiped his eyes, his lighthearted expression growing serious again. “Here’s what you do. Take everything one step at a time. Start by shadowing me at work. Once you’re comfortable with that, talk to Pastor Wright about joining a small group at church.” He looked at me meaningfully. “When people invite you to go out with them, you go. Push yourself. Do it, even if you’re uncomfortable.”

  I glanced down at my feet and nodded. “Okay.”

  “There will be difficult moments, I won’t lie. It’s going to be hard at first, but there will be small victories as well. It’s time to move forward, take a step of faith. And don’t forget, you can’t do this on your own. Lean on the Lord for strength. He’ll help you through this.”

  “Fine. Tomorrow, I’ll go to the office and report for work.”

  He smiled. “Good start.” He arched an eyebrow. “And Ivy?”

  Regret settled on me like a dark cloud. “I’m pretty sure she doesn’t want anything to do with me after what happened.” I crossed my arms over my chest. “That was my plan, you know. Make her so angry she’d want nothing to do with me.”

  “You took the easy way out. It’s much easier to push someone away than it is to fix the areas of your life that are lacking.”

  “I did what was best for Ivy.”

  “No, you fired her because you didn’t want to grow.”

  I flinched, as if ice water had been thrown on my face. My stomach tightened, and my fists clenched and unclenched. Had I been lying to myself this whole time?

  The realization of what I’d done nearly sucked the breath out of my lungs. I’d pushed her away, wanting to believe it was the selfless thing to do when in reality it had been the most selfish thing I could have done.

  I hadn’t wanted to change—so I’d cut her off.

  “How do I fix this?”

  “You begin with an apology.”

  “I owe her a lot more than that.” I stood from the bed, my shoulders sagging. “The damage has been done. I screwed things up.”

  “Go to her. Make it right.”

  “I will. I have to. What I did . . .”

  “You behaved badly, but that doesn’t mean you can’t start over.”

  “I won’t make the same mistake twice.” I glanced at him. “Sorry for losing my temper.”

  Hayden moved to the doorway. “I’m not upset. I pushed harder than I intended, but I’m glad we straightened everything out.”

  “Earlier . . . I wouldn’t have hurt you. I hope you know that.”

  “Trust me, I don't have a death wish. I knew you wouldn't retaliate.”

  “You’re a good friend, Hayden. You’ve never been afraid to tell it like it is. I don’t know that I’ve ever said this out loud, but you’ve been like a second father to me.”

  His eyes grew watery, and it appeared like he wanted to say something, but was too choked up to get the words out.

  I moved forward and grabbed him in a bear hug, then slapped him on the back. “Can we count that as my first baby step?”

  Later in the afternoon, I sat at my desk, reading my Bible and meditating on the verse Hayden shared earlier. A stiff neck. In the metaphorical sense that described me well.

  Closing my eyes, I prayed. Lord, please don’t let me be broken beyond healing. Help me to hold on to you more than I hold o
n to my fears.

  I recorded my thoughts in my journal and considered how I should approach Ivy. Nothing seemed adequate enough to fix what I’d done.

  ***

  The following day at church, I took my seat in the balcony a few minutes before the service began. The announcements and singing flew by in a blur, my mind on other things.

  Pastor Wright ascended the stairs and laid his Bible on the pulpit. “Please stand for the reading of God’s word.”

  The congregation stood, myself included. Pastor Wright asked that we turn to Matthew 11:28-29, and we listened as he read:

  Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

  The words soothed my heavy heart like a balm. For so long, I’d been carrying the burden of my family’s death on my shoulders. Guilt and remorse and grief pushed down on me like a weight had been strapped to my back. That weight kept me from loving again, from finding a new purpose in life.

  It was time to let it go.

  Time to find my rest in the Lord.

  Time to start living again.

  I didn’t track anything else Pastor Wright said the rest of the morning. All I knew was I’d turned a corner.

  The past would no longer control me.

  When the service ended, I waited until most people cleared out of the church. Ivy hovered near the door next to a group of college students. I needed to apologize and hoped she would be willing to listen.

  My stomach clenched as I walked down the balcony stairs and stepped over the velvet barrier, eyes on the back of Ivy’s head.

  I didn’t wear the hoodie.

  Didn’t cover my scars.

  Didn’t hide.

  Ivy was engaged in conversation with a female student with short, black hair. They laughed about something, and I found myself wondering what it would be like to be Ivy’s boyfriend, to have my arm around her shoulders as we talked to other members of the church.