“I would've been patient—would've helped you.”
His thick shoulders drooped. “I knew that. But it wasn’t your job to fix me.” He stared at the floor. “I thought the only way to help you move on was to cut you off. If you hated me, you’d never look back. I did what I believed was right at the time as twisted as that sounds.”
“You should have talked to me first.”
“I know. I didn’t handle it right. Something happened the day of your birthday.” He glanced away, flushing. “After you left, I went to the pond to pack up supplies, and I found your phone. You’d dropped it on our walk back to the house. I saw two notifications. I didn’t see the whole thing, but—”
“Wait, you saw that? They were from my mom.”
My heart rate sped up. Suddenly, his behavior made a lot more sense. If he’d seen those messages, he must have been afraid of having a negative influence on me. Still, if he had talked to me, we could have worked it out. Instead, he chose to respond harshly and leave me in the dark with no idea why he fired me.
“I panicked, Ivy. I thought I needed to cut things off, but I was a coward. What I did was selfish and wrong and ultimately not in your best interest. I should have resolved to change, right then and there, but I did what I always do—I protected myself, and in the end, I hurt you.” He moved away from the wall and stood closer. “But at the hospital, when you said you felt like an inconvenience, that really got to me.” He knelt down, placing a hand on either side of me on the couch. “I don’t want you to feel that way—ever.”
“When Mr. Jeffries told me you’d replaced me with someone else, do you know what that did to me?” Tears threatened to spill, but I forced them back.
“No one could have taken your place. I never hired anyone else. If I could rewind time, I would do it all differently.”
“Tell me. What would you do?”
“Go to work with Hayden. Ask you on a real date. Sit with the rest of the congregation at church.” He swallowed. “Communicate better.” He leaned in closer and his eyes burned with a mixture of sadness and regret. “The idea of losing you for good shook me up. I know it will take time, but let me prove you can trust me again. Let me show you how much I love you.”
His gaze was so intense I nearly melted on the spot. He’d shared his heart, and I wanted to pull him into an embrace.
Tell him I loved him, too.
Feel the comfort of his arms around me.
End this pain.
But I couldn’t do that.
“Thank you for telling me. Your explanation makes it easier to understand the mindset you had at the time. Believe it or not, I recognize you tried to do right by me even if you were misguided.”
“Can we try again? We can date like an ordinary couple—outside of my house—and I promise, I’ll stop hiding from everyone.”
His eyes lit with hope, nearly tearing me apart. I almost backed down, almost told him, yes, but he wasn’t the only one who needed to change.
“I can’t.”
Emotion flickered through his eyes, and I recognized it for what it was. Devastation. I felt it, too.
“When I found out Austin cheated, I thought my world had come to an end. But then I met you, and it wasn’t long before I was high on love again.” I let out a heavy breath. “No matter how easy it would be to cling to you, I don’t want to rush into a relationship again.” I put a hand on his chest and gently pushed him back. “I need to get up.” He moved out of the way, and I slipped to the kitchen. I had to put distance between us before I did something stupid. With my back to him, I wiped a tear away. “I won't jump just because you're ready to start over. That’s not going to happen.”
A beat of silence passed.
He cleared his throat. “We can take it slow . . .”
I loved him. There was no doubt in my mind about that. But I also knew I shouldn’t cut out my heart and offer it up like nothing happened.
“I’m not ready, Sawyer. After everything, I need time to think about what I really need.” I turned to face him. “And if I’m honest, I’m not sure we should get back together.”
He let out a shuddering breath. “So, I’ve ruined any chance we have left?”
“I . . . don’t know. We can be friends. That’s all I can offer you right now.”
For the longest time, he just stood there looking back at me like his entire world was about to fall apart. The familiar ache in my chest came back with a fury because I wanted to be in a relationship with him so badly.
But it was time to think with my brain, not my emotions.
Time to lay aside my insecurities and be the woman God wanted me to be. If that meant I had to be without a relationship until I learned to have boundaries and accept myself again, so be it.
For the first time, I wasn’t pushover Ivy.
He gave me a quick nod. “Are you going to see that guy again?”
“That’s between me and him.”
“Please, Ivy. It'll torture me not knowing.”
“I honestly haven’t decided.”
For a second, it appeared like he might throw up. And then he stepped forward and cupped my face with his hands. “I want what’s best for you, even if I’m not it.”
Tears slipped down my cheeks, and I held back a sob. I saw it in his eyes—he meant it.
He leaned closer, expression tight and eyes full of agony. “Nearly losing you for good made me realize something.”
“What?”
“I’m done sitting in that house. From now on, I plan to live life, not hide from it.” He gently brushed his lips against my cheek and lingered another second. He pulled back, giving me one last glance, and walked out the door without saying another word.
I instantly felt the loss.
Chapter 33
Sawyer
The following Sunday, I walked into church, knowing what I needed to do. Hayden had given me a pep talk the night before. He’d said courage was not the absence of fear, but the ability to act, regardless of fear.
If I was doing this, I’d go all out. What was the saying? Go big or go home.
I’d called Pastor Wright a few days ago and shared with him my heart. He’d sounded pleased. Said he’d be willing to support me however he could.
Piano music played as I stood in the church foyer, eyeing Ivy in her seat. I took a pained breath, made my way over, and sat next to her.
Her eyes widened. She glanced at me, then back towards the balcony as if needing to confirm it was really me. “What’s going on?”
“I figured it would be good to join the rest of the congregation. You okay with me sitting here?”
She hesitated and then shrugged. “Friends sit together in church.”
I couldn’t wipe away the small smile that played at my lips.
“What are you so happy about?” Sammie asked, leaning over from the seat next to Ivy.
I glanced around me. “A new perspective.”
Ivy scooted over as if not wanting to sit too close. “Things look different down here, don’t they?”
“You might say that. But I wasn’t talking about the view. I was talking about my mindset.”
She stared at me for a moment, and her lips curved upward. My heart jolted. I’d caused her so much pain, it felt good to make her smile again.
Pastor Wright began his sermon, and I did my best to concentrate, even though my foot wouldn’t stop tapping, and I had to shove my hand in my pocket to hide the tremor that hadn’t quit since I’d walked into church.
When the service came to a close, Pastor Wright made an announcement. “A member of our congregation has asked to speak with everyone. Sawyer, would you come up front?”
Ivy gasped and glanced at me. The thought of walking right out the church doors flew through my mind. I broke out in a sweat. If I wanted to move forward in my life, I needed to do this.
I fixed my gaze on Pastor Wright, silently praying God would strengthen me. My breath quickened as I marched up the
four steps leading to the pulpit. Pastor Wright put his arm around my shoulders, and it was almost comical because he wasn’t a tall man, so he had quite a bit of reaching to do.
My eyes swept the congregation. This was the first time I’d stood in front of everyone. What were they all thinking right now? Some appeared curious while others seemed to stare at my scars. Or was it just my imagination?
Back in high school, I wasn't afraid of public speaking—I’d been good at it, actually. But today would be a humbling experience. I’d never let my guard down like this before. For that reason alone, my knees almost buckled.
“Sawyer, how long have you been a member of Landmark Baptist?”
I leaned down to speak into the microphone. “About four years now.”
Pastor Wright nodded, then turned towards the congregation. “Sawyer moved here from Colorado. Many of you don’t know this, but Sawyer is one of our janitors. He stays after church and cleans up after y’all.” He patted my back. “Some of you can be pretty messy.”
There was polite laughter throughout the crowd.
“Over the last few years, I’ve encouraged Sawyer to get more involved at church, but he’s always kept to himself. Sits right up there in the balcony every week.”
I nodded an affirmation that he was correct and forced the tight muscles of my shoulders to relax.
“I’ve had the chance to chat with him on many occasions while he’s doing his work here, and I’ve enjoyed getting to know him.” He turned to me and his smile widened. “You may not realize this, but in the last year, I’ve prayed every day God would help you face your fears.” The congregation grew deathly quiet. “And I’d say your actions right now are an answer to prayer.” He squeezed my shoulder. “Go ahead. Tell everyone what you told me on the phone.”
My heart pounded faster as I leaned down and spoke into the microphone. “Most of you don’t know me but you’ve probably seen me sitting up in the balcony. Like Pastor Wright said, I keep to myself most of the time. Five years ago, I was in a car accident that killed my parents and brother. Part of my face was badly burned as you can see.” I clutched the pulpit to steady myself. “I know there's a rumor I sit in the balcony because it's easier for me to do my janitorial duties after the service. Truth is, I've been sitting apart from everyone because I'd rather be alone than risk rejection. That's not a healthy mentality . . . for anyone.” I let out a sigh, careful not to blow into the microphone.
This was harder than I thought it would be. I'd basically gone from sharing very little about myself to opening up my soul to hundreds of people. My eyes scanned the audience until they landed on Ivy. Her expression was just as serious as everyone else's, but once our gazes locked, she smiled and gave me a thumbs up. My shoulders relaxed, and I found the courage to keep going.
“My friend, Hayden, reminded me last night it’s hard to grow as a Christian unless you’re surrounded by the fellowship of other believers. He wasn’t the only one who told me that.” I glanced at Ivy. “I asked Pastor Wright to let me speak today because I need accountability. If left to my own devices, I’d continue to sit away from everyone.” The congregation remained still, waiting for my next words. “I don’t have many friends, but I want to change that by making my intentions known. When you see me here, I won't only be doing the behind-the-scenes work. I'd like to be a part of people’s lives.”
Pastor Wright’s smile was huge, lighting up his entire face. “Everyone here will be happy to embrace you, Sawyer.” He addressed the congregation. “It’s not often someone in our church shows the amount of courage this young man showed today. I would encourage all of you to reach out to Sawyer, and not only him, but anyone else in the church who seems alone or in need of a friend. As the body of Christ, it's imperative that we come alongside each other and show love to those who are hurting.” He glanced at me and nodded, indicating we were done. “Sawyer, I’m going to say a prayer, and afterward, I’d like you to remain up front so others can come and greet you.”
Ivy
“You’re going to catch a fly with your mouth hanging open like that,” Sammie said with a snicker.
I was in utter shock. Never in a million years would I have expected Sawyer to take a stand in front of the entire church. I lifted my eyebrows. “He’s serious, isn’t he?”
We both glanced at the pulpit. Members of the congregation swarmed Sawyer, eager to shake his hand and say hello.
“Looks like it,” she said.
I waited around until nearly everyone had left. When Sawyer came back to his seat to pick up his Bible, I walked over to him. “You put yourself out there, today.”
The corners of his mouth sagged, displaying his weariness. “I was nervous, but I got through it.” He glanced behind him. “The Taylor family invited me to lunch. I figure I should accept since I just asked to be a part of people’s lives.”
“Yes, you should. It’s your first opportunity to branch out.” Sammie eyed me from the other side of the church. I took a step away from Sawyer. “I should go.”
“Talk later?”
I nodded. I was happy for him, but I needed to be careful. He may have taken a huge step, but I wasn’t ready to get involved with him again.
The previous evening, William had called and asked me out again. I’d accepted, even though I’d been conflicted. A second date wouldn’t hurt. And I owed it to myself to try.
Sawyer
When I walked into the restaurant, there was nowhere I’d rather be than at Casie’s Bar and Grill, especially because a certain someone worked there.
I’d asked the hostess to seat me in Ivy’s section, and as we made our way over, I noticed her, two tables over, taking a woman’s order. When she finished, she hurried away, oblivious to my presence. A few minutes later, I caught her eye from across the room as she brought plates of food to a family of four.
It had been three weeks after I’d stood in front of the church and given my speech about wanting to get more involved at church. Every Sunday since, I’d tried to sit next to her, but she always had an excuse why she wouldn’t sit with me.
Thanksgiving had come and gone. I’d spent it with Hayden and Sarah, but my thoughts were with Ivy, wondering what her plans were. I missed her terribly. An enormous hole had been scooped out of my chest, and I was left empty like an old hollow tree. I was living the consequences of my actions but it still hurt.
She traipsed over to my table, a breezy smile plastered on her face, though the smile didn’t reach her eyes. “Hi, Sawyer. What can I get you?”
No, “how are you?” or “What brings you here?” She was determined to place a boundary between us. Keep me from getting too close.
“I was wondering, would you like to have dinner with me sometime?” Not smooth. But I was done holding back.
She appeared startled. “Ugh . . . I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”
“You said we could be friends.”
She glanced behind her as if looking for an escape. “I’ve been extremely busy. Between my hours here and studying, I barely have time to go out with anyone. Ask Sammie. She’ll tell you.”
I pulled a check out of my wallet and handed it to her. “I haven’t forgotten I still owe you money. You don’t have to work this hard, Ivy. Quit your job and concentrate on school. Have fun—go on a shopping spree if that’s what you want. This amount should cover the rest of the year, and if it doesn’t I’ll give you more.”
She glanced at the check, eyes widening, and then handed it back. “I’m only going to say this one time so please listen carefully. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but I don't want your money. Staying busy is good for me.”
“But—”
“No, Sawyer. If you continue to pester me about this, it will be a point of contention between us.”
Her stubbornness frustrated me, but I admired her determination to pay for her own expenses. She was a rare jewel—few would have turned that kind of money down.
For a second, I cons
idered buying the restaurant in order to be her employer again, but that would be pretentious and borderline stalkerish.
“Is there any way you can fit me in?” I asked. “Maybe once you get your work schedule for next week?”
“I’m sorry, I don’t have the time.”
I sank lower into the booth and nodded. This wasn’t going how I’d hoped it would. I ordered a lobster combo, and she headed towards the kitchen, returning a few minutes later with biscuits and honey-butter. She had a polite smile but carried herself in a way that conveyed she didn’t have time for small talk. At least not with me.
A while later, she brought my meal. “Is there anything else I can get you?” Her voice was professional—completely devoid of any emotion, almost like we were strangers.
“Yes. Give me one hour of your time. Please.”
“Like I said earlier, I’m too busy.”
“No downtime in between classes?”
“On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays I have a fifteen-minute walk between Math Stats and Art History. That’s pretty much it.” She glanced around at the other tables as if itching to end the conversation.
“I’ll take it.”
Her flat expression turned into disbelief. “Right. You’re going to park in visitor parking and hike all the way to my Math Stats class, just so you can walk with me for fifteen minutes. That sounds—”
“Like someone who really wants to see you.”
“I was about to say, ridiculous. It’s too much trouble for fifteen minutes.”
“I’ll do whatever it takes. What time should I meet you?”
She hesitated and appeared conflicted. “Umm . . .”
“It’s fifteen minutes, Ivy. It’s not like we’re going on a date.”
“Fine. Math Stats is over at 10:30. Meet me outside Gordon Palmer Hall.” She turned to leave but paused for a moment. “If I see you, I see you. But don’t assume I’ll be waiting around.”
Ivy
The following Monday I walked out of Gordan Palmer Hall with my classmate, Joline. We were discussing the quiz we’d just taken in Math Stats when something caught her attention.
The Unwanted Assistant Page 26
