by E M Lindsey
There was no denying he was attractive, and there was absolutely no denying he had his attention fixed on Niko. “Tell me what’s good here.”
“Well,” Ruby said, leaning over the bar a little playfully and looking at Niko, “my friend here seems to like the house ale.”
The guy pretended to consider, not subtle about the way his gaze flickered up and down where he was sitting, and he stroked his thumb over his bottom lip. “He looks pretty trustworthy to me. Why not give me what he’s having.”
Ruby gave the bar a pat, then turned to grab another pint glass. When she returned with the new beer, she slid it in front of him and took the card he was offering. “Tab?”
“Yeah,” he said. “And whatever he’s drinking.”
“I already paid,” Niko said, a little snappier than he really meant to, and felt awful when the guy flinched. He gave the guy an apologetic smile and stuck out his hand. “Sorry. I’m Niko, and I’m having a terrible day.”
The guy’s smile brightened up his entire face and part of Niko hated how much Sam had gotten to him, because he realized how easy this pull could be. Only…only it felt like cheating, even when it wasn’t, and that was going to be a problem.
“I’m Rowan. You from here?”
Niko shrugged. “Not originally, no. I grew up in Jersey, but I came here for University.”
Rowan nodded, then sipped the beer and looked over at Ruby, impressed. “Wow, that’s good.”
Ruby winked at him as she passed the card back, diving under the counter and returning for some bar mix. “Let me know if you boys need anything.” With a grin, she wandered off to take care of some of the server orders that had come up, leaving Niko with his dilemma, because Rowan definitely looked interested.
“I’m opening a restaurant,” Niko said, deciding on a safe topic. “The one next door.”
Rowan’s eyebrows shot up. “No kidding? When’s first seating?”
“Oh god, I have no idea,” Niko said with a groan. “Today was a shit-show of failing to find a head chef, and the counters that I really wanted are out of production so I have to go back to the drawing board, but the design needs to be finalized by Monday if I don’t want another delay. So, check back in a hundred years?”
Rowan chuckled. “Good thing I’m immortal, then.” He winked and picked a few of the little rye toast rounds out of the mix. “I actually started up a firm in Denver, so I’d be happy to reserve a table with some colleagues. Get your servers some good tips, get word of mouth going. What kind of cuisine?”
“Greek,” Niko said, feeling a little lighter because the guy might have intentions, but he still seemed actually interested, and that was the boost Niko needed. “It’s old family recipes. At least, as much of them as I can get that people will want to eat.”
“Fairfield seems perfect for that,” Rowan said thoughtfully. He took a long drink and used his napkin to dab at his mouth in a way that was strangely prissy for such a big dude. Niko almost laughed but managed to stop himself before it became a real faux pas. “I don’t think I come here enough.”
“What brings you by?” Niko asked.
Rowan shrugged. “Business, what else. A case that looks like it’s going to be pretty drawn out, so I’ll probably be around. You know, more than just tonight.”
In a mild panic, Niko grabbed his glass and downed the rest of it, nearly choking but just managing to get it all down. When he was done, he set his glass down on the counter a little too hard. He flushed, fighting back a hysterical laugh. “Uh. I, uh…”
“You’re seeing someone,” Rowan pointed out, not upset, but definitely a little less bright than before.
Niko rubbed a hand down his face. “Yes. No. It’s complicated,” he finished from behind a sigh.
After a small humorless laugh, Rowan sighed. “It’s always complicated. I tend to have bad luck.”
“You and me both,” Niko couldn’t help but admit. “I’m not gonna lie, man, if this conversation happened like four weeks ago, I would probably be going home with you.”
Rowans eyes darkened a little. “Any chance you’d change your mind?”
“I probably should, because what I have going on is a mess, but I don’t know where it stands so it’s…yeah.” He stood up and gave his pockets a pat down for his phone and keys. “It’s probably better if I take off.”
Rowan hesitated, then stood up along with him. “Let me walk you out?”
Niko knew he should say no, but right now, feeling wanted was nice. Especially after the cold way Sam had left things that morning, and the way his phone had been dead silent ever since. How such a small town could feel like a such vast chasm existed between them was beyond him, but it was there all the same.
“That would be fine,” he eventually said. He pretended like he didn’t see the way Rowan brightened a little at that and hated himself for giving the guy any hope. He wanted to ignore his conscience and just go with the guy, give himself a little something, because he was owed more than being just a dirty secret. But he couldn’t deny that whatever he felt for Sam, it was real. If he was going to get over it, he had to end it, and then give himself time.
It couldn’t be like this.
He felt Rowan at his back as they stepped out of the bar, and he lifted his phone to order his car. His app alert told him six minutes, which wasn’t long enough for things to get too awkward. Slipping his phone back in his pocket, he turned to the other man and offered a slightly crooked smile. “I hope you know me saying I wish it was different isn’t some line to make you feel better,” he told Rowan. “I really do wish it. For my sake too.”
Rowan looked at him a long minute. “Whoever he is, I hope he gets his head out of his ass really soon. We just met, but I have a pretty strong sense of people, and I can tell you’re one of the good ones.”
Niko flushed. “Trust me, I’m not that great. A long history of short and shitty relationships will tell you that.”
Rowan shook his head, then reached out and took his hand. “Is this okay?”
No, his mind told him, but he couldn’t deny it felt good to be touched right then. “Just don’t get any ideas.”
Rowan chuckled softly. “Don’t worry. I have plenty, but I’ll keep them to myself.” He rubbed his thumb over the center of Niko’s wrist, making Niko’s breath shake a little. “Can I give you my number? In case you change your mind or…or in case things uncomplicate themselves in my favor?”
Niko bit his lip, but just as he was about to nod, he heard his name said very quietly from a few feet away. Without pulling himself from Rowan’s light hold, he turned, and his eyes went wide as he saw Sam, James, and Sage approaching. Guilt rushed through him, especially at the way Sam’s eyes were fixed hard on where Niko and Rowan were touching.
Niko carefully extracted his hand away as the three approached, and he glanced back at Rowan, desperate to find a way out of this.
Rowan, however, was smiling broadly at Sam and had pushed past Niko to offer his hand. “Hey, man. I figured you’d be in most of the night.”
Sam took Rowan’s hand like it was automatic, but his gaze kept flickering back to Niko like he was trying to solve a complicated equation. “Yeah, I…I was stressing, so the boys took me out,” he said flatly, almost stuttering.
Rowan frowned, and then his eyes widened as it seemed to dawn on him, and he took a step back. “Oh. Oh,” he said and looked at Niko. “Are you two…”
“No,” Sam blurted in a rush, then laughed and shook his head. “No, trust me, it’s not like that. Niko’s a gym buddy of my friend Sage here. We barely know each other.”
It was like a physical blow to his sternum, like the air had been punched out of him, and he couldn’t draw breath. He said nothing, though he was profoundly aware the pain was showing on his face—at least, if the look Sage was giving him was any indication.
Sage cleared his throat, then said, “I’ve known Niko a while. He’s good friend. Good people.”
Rowan looked confused, but he still smiled. “Yeah, he definitely is. I could tell that right away.”
Sam’s jaw clenched. “So, you two know each other, then?”
“We just met,” Rowan said easily. “He sold me on trying the house brew, and I got a sense he’s one of those guys you don’t let walk away without a fight.”
Niko felt the urge to turn tail and run, to hide until the world ended because right now, he was shattered. Shattered by the way Sam was still staring at him, by the abject denial as though admitting he liked Niko was the worst thing he could do. Shattered by how easily it had come to Sam to deny it.
He’d been an idiot.
Luckily, that was the moment his uber decided to show up, and without looking back, he rushed to the car and threw himself into the back. He vaguely registered someone calling his name, but the faint ringing in his ears made it so he couldn’t tell who it was, and right then, he didn’t care. He refused to look up, refused to see what was on any of their faces as the driver pulled away, and it was only when they turned the corner and he couldn’t see the bar any longer that he felt like he could breathe again.
“Bad night?” the driver asked.
Niko let out a high, tense laugh. “You could say that. Thanks for getting me out of there so fast.”
The guy looked in his mirror and offered a half-smile. “No worries, man. I know how it goes. Hope the rest of your night gets better.”
Niko nodded mutely, then climbed out of the car with shaky legs the moment they reached his place. He felt numb all over, except in the small place near the center of his chest which ached with Sam’s outright rejection. He breathed and wanted to make it stop, wanted to force his brain to just think rationally for once and stop acting like he’d had his heart ripped out. He liked Sam, he’d fucked him twice, but they were hardly soulmates. Sam was just yet another guy— like all the others—who got what they wanted from Niko and took the first opportunity handed to them to move on.
No big deal.
It wasn’t like he was invested.
Niko found himself on his phone, pulling up his flight app and booking a redeye to Jersey. Maybe a little escape for a week would be just the thing. Maybe even ten days—just to get his head on straight. He could return to Fairfield with a new mindset, ready to throw himself into his new venture, and forget all about the man who finally got him to feel.
Chapter Nineteen
“So, are we ever going to talk about it?”
Sam’s eyes lifted up to look at Derek who was lounging on the far side of the sofa. Sam didn’t move much, not with Maisy fast asleep on his chest, her little hand curled in the front of his shirt. She’d done as well as could be expected with the grandparents, but she didn’t entirely understand who they were, and why she was being taken by them for hours at a time without Sam present.
She had promised to be good, and she had stuck to it, but she’d come home a holy terror, screaming until she passed out on his lap. There were two more days left of the hellish visit, and in spite of the Attley’s’ attitude and bigotry, Rowan hadn’t been successful with his appeal for their unsupervised hours.
The only good thing was Maisy had shown a reluctance to believe their smiles and sweet words. When she was interviewed by Beth after the first afternoon, she’d told the woman, “They sah my dada was bad. I don’t wike them, I don’t wan’ to go.”
The Attleys were given a warning about their conduct, and the second afternoon, Maisy reported it had gone better. She still didn’t want to be with them any longer than she had to, however, and that was a point in Sam’s favor. He wasn’t sure how the Attleys were going to proceed from there, but he was feeling at least a little more confident.
His only real issue was the very reason Derek was staring at him so pointedly. After the confrontation on the street where Niko had literally fled, the guys had been on his ass about it. Sage was acting protective of Niko, which surprised him, and it made him feel strangely good about it, because it meant they liked Niko as a person. But he hadn’t been ready to admit the truth about the affair. Now, though, Derek’s questioning made his stomach cramp up, and he didn’t know why.
It’s because you behaved like a fucking ass, his brain helpfully supplied. It’s because you humiliated and hurt him, and now you feel bad.
His brain wasn’t lying. Sam had reacted without thinking, and he saw the devastation play out on Niko’s face. It had done exactly two things—it told Sam that Niko wasn’t interested in just sex, and that Sam was very capable of hurting him. It felt strange to be on that side of things because usually, it was Sam being degraded and denied, and he never thought he would be one of those guys.
He knew damn well he’d been using Maisy as an excuse to not deal with something that had the potential to break him—or make him, he supposed—but he couldn’t hide from it now. James and Sage had tried to get it out of him right after Rowan took off, but he’d resolutely kept his mouth shut.
Of course, they’d gossiped to the entire shop, and the moment the story made it back to Derek, the guy showed up with two coffees and a determined will to drag it out of him. Luckily, he’d been able to use Maisy’s screaming and then subsequent nap as a literal shield, but Derek wasn’t going to hold off forever.
“It’s complicated,” he finally said in a soft voice, praying his girl wouldn’t wake up.
Derek snorted. “Isn’t it always. I mean, I’m kind of the poster child for it’s complicated. So, you know, maybe I’d understand?”
Sam’s cheeks flushed and he glanced up at the ceiling, a tiny part of him wishing his body was the kind which would allow him to just get up and walk away. If he could, he would have put Maisy in her bed and tucked her in, and then maybe gone to the fridge for a beer to use alcohol as a crutch to get through this moment. But if he tried to move, if he tried to transfer, he’d wake her and the whole cycle would start again.
He fought back the tiny wave of bitterness and for a beat, considered asking Derek to do it. Except right now, he needed that physical barrier between himself and the rest of the world. He put his hand on Maisy’s back and sighed quietly.
“Sam,” Derek pressed. Sam felt a little pressure, a jostle, and he looked down to see Derek had taken his ankle. “Talk to me.”
Licking his lips, Sam shook his head, but all his thoughts and emotions, the chaos in him, felt like a rushing river pushing against a dam. He wanted to unleash it all, no matter the consequences. “I lied to you,” he finally said.
Derek’s eyes went wide. “I…what?”
“When I told you that Niko and I had been doing some accessible classes together, that was a lie.” Sam used his free hand to rub at his eye until it saw starbursts. “I was having a bad day, so he took me to Denver, and we fucked around at the batting cages. Then we had dinner. And I realized I liked him a lot. More than I really wanted to let myself, because I didn’t know the guy. I was still a little worried after what you said happened on your date, but I couldn’t help it. Something about him…” He trailed off and shook his head. “We had sex.” Derek jolted, sitting up to peer over at Sam properly.
“Sex,” he repeated.
“Yeah. Sex. Like mutual orgasms? You heard of it?” Sam said, a tiny bit snarky.
Derek rolled his eyes, his lips quirking up. “You know, I think I’m familiar.”
Sam felt a tiny rush of affection, but it was eclipsed by all the badness inside him still swirling around. “We fucked, and then I asked him to uh…to be my booty-call, basically. I thought he wasn’t really into me. That maybe he just thought wheelchair sex was cool or it was a kink.” And that was a lie. He hadn’t ever thought that. And he knew damn well telling himself that Niko was only in it for fun had been an excuse— a reason to let himself be shitty and afraid.
“He might have been an ass, but I don’t think he’s like that,” Derek said quietly.
Sam felt his face grow hot with shame. “No. No, he’s not. And I knew that.”
&nbs
p; “So, what the hell happened?” Derek asked.
Sam absently stroked his fingers through Maisy’s soft curls and let his eyes close, forcing himself to admit what he’d done. “I told myself I didn’t have time for a relationship and let myself ignore the signs that he was actually falling for me. And…fuck, Derek, he was so…I’ve never been with anyone like him before. We slept together again, and I could feel myself falling in love. I kept telling myself I was being selfish and just letting myself have a moment of something that wouldn’t last. I didn’t mean to hurt him. I was afraid, and I fucked it all up.”
Derek let out a small, huffing laugh and shook his head. “Yeah, man. You kind of did. He took off.”
At that, Sam jolted enough to make Maisy stir, and he held his breath until she buried her face in his chest again and dropped back off. “What do you mean he left?” he hissed. True, Niko hadn’t responded to any of Sam’s texts begging for a phone call and a chance to explain and apologize, but he didn’t think the guy would take off.
“I guess Matty drove him to the airport the other day. He went back to Jersey.”
Sam stared for a long moment. “Is he coming back?” he asked, his voice rough and hoarse. “I mean, they’re still working on that restaurant, aren’t they?”
Derek shrugged, letting out a slow breath of air. “I don’t know. He didn’t tell Mat or Sage anything other than he had to get away.” Derek gave him a careful look, then asked, “Do you really like this guy?”
“Yeah,” Sam finally admitted without hesitation. “He makes me feel good, like…no joke, the orgasm was so intense, I almost blacked out, and I was seriously worried I was going to have a damn stroke. I didn’t think it was possible for me to feel that kind of pleasure. Ever. And he makes me laugh, and he gives me a hand with shit without making me feel incompetent. And he listens,” Sam added, and his voice cracked a little at that. He cleared his throat and shook his head. “He really listens, the way you do. He feels right, like he belongs, and I was such a fucking moron.”
