The Lady of the Barge and Others, Entire Collection

by W. W. Jacobs

  A MIXED PROPOSAL

  Major Brill, late of the Fenshire Volunteers, stood in front of thesmall piece of glass in the hatstand, and with a firm and experiencedhand gave his new silk hat a slight tilt over the right eye. Then hetook his cane and a new pair of gloves, and with a military but squeakytread, passed out into the road. It was a glorious day in early autumn,and the soft English landscape was looking its best, but despite thefact that there was nothing more alarming in sight than a few cows onthe hillside a mile away, the Major paused at his gate, and his facetook on an appearance of the greatest courage and resolution beforeproceeding. The road was dusty and quiet, except for the childrenplaying at cottage doors, and so hot that the Major, heedless of thefact that he could not replace the hat at exactly the same angle, stoodin the shade of a tree while he removed it and mopped his heated brow.

  He proceeded on his way more leisurely, overtaking, despite his lack ofspeed, another man who was walking still more slowly in the shade of thehedge.

  "Fine day, Halibut," he said, briskly; "fine day."

  "Beautiful," said the other, making no attempt to keep pace with him.

  "Country wants rain, though," cried the Major over his shoulder.

  Halibut assented, and walking slowly on, wondered vaguely what gaudycolor it was that had attracted his eye. It dawned on him at length thatit must be the Major's tie, and he suddenly quickened his pace, by nomeans reassured as the man of war also quickened his.

  "Halloa, Brill!" he cried. "Half a moment."

  The Major stopped and waited for his friend; Halibut eyed the tieuneasily--it was fearfully and wonderfully made--but said nothing.

  "Well?" said the Major, somewhat sharply.

  "Oh--I was going to ask you, Brill--Confound it! I've forgotten what Iwas going to say now. I daresay I shall soon think of it. You're not ina hurry?"

  "Well, I am, rather," said Brill. "Fact is-- Is my hat on straight,Halibut?"

  The other assuring him that it was, the Major paused in his career, andgripping the brim with both hands, deliberately tilted it over the righteye again.

  "You were saying--" said Halibut, regarding this manoeuvre with secretdisapproval.

  "Yes," murmured the Major, "I was saying. Well, I don't mind telling anold friend like you, Halibut, though it is a profound secret. Makes merather particular about my dress just now. Women notice these things.I'm--sha'nt get much sympathy from a confirmed old bachelor likeyou--but I'm on my way to put a very momentous question."

  "The devil you are!" said the other, blankly.

  "Sir!" said the astonished Major.

  "Not Mrs. Riddel?" said Halibut.

  "Certainly, sir," said the Major, stiffly. "Why not?"

  "Only that I am going on the same errand," said the confirmed bachelor,with desperate calmness.

  The Major looked at him, and for the first time noticed an unusualneatness and dressiness in his friend's attire. His collar was higherthan usual; his tie, of the whitest and finest silk, bore a pin he neverremembered to have seen before; and for the first time since he hadknown him, the Major, with a strange sinking at the heart, saw that hewore spats.

  "This is extraordinary," he said, briefly. "Well, good-day, Halibut.Can't stop."

  "Good-day," said the other.

  The Major quickened his pace and shot ahead, and keeping in the shade ofthe hedge, ground his teeth as the civilian on the other side of theroad slowly, but surely, gained on him.

  It became exciting. The Major was handicapped by his upright bearing andshort military stride; the other, a simple child of the city, bentforward, swinging his arms and taking immense strides. At a by-lane theypicked up three small boys, who, trotting in their rear, made it evidentby their remarks that they considered themselves the privilegedspectators of a foot-race. The Major could stand it no longer, and witha cut of his cane at the foremost boy, softly called a halt.

  "Well," said Halibut, stopping.

  The man's manner was suspicious, not to say offensive, and the other hadmuch ado to speak him fair.

  "This is ridiculous," he said, trying to smile. "We can't walk in andpropose in a duet. One of us must go to-day and the other to-morrow."

  "Certainly," said Halibut; "that'll be the best plan."

  "So childish," said the Major, with a careless laugh, "two fellowswalking in hot and tired and proposing to her."

  "Absurd," replied Halibut, and both men eyed each other carefully.

  "So, if I'm unsuccessful, old chap," said the Major, in a voice which hestrove to render natural and easy, "I will come straight back to yourplace and let you know, so as not to keep you in suspense."

  "You're very good," said Halibut, with some emotion; "but I think I'lltake to-day, because I have every reason to believe that I have got oneof my bilious attacks coming on to-morrow."

  "Pooh! fancy, my dear fellow," said the Major, heartily; "I never sawyou look better in my life."

  "That's one of the chief signs," replied Halibut, shaking his head. "I'mafraid I must go to-day."

  "I really cannot waive my right on account of your bilious attack," saidthe Major haughtily.

  "Your right?" said Halibut, with spirit.

  "My right!" repeated the other. "I should have been there before you ifyou had not stopped me in the first place."

  "But I started first," said Halibut.

  "Prove it," exclaimed the Major, warmly.

  The other shrugged his shoulders.

  "I shall certainly not give way," he said, calmly. "This is a matter inwhich my whole future is concerned. It seems very odd, not to sayinconvenient, that you should have chosen the same day as myself, Brill,for such an errand--very odd."

  "It's quite an accident," asseverated the Major; "as a matter of fact,Halibut, I nearly went yesterday. That alone gives me, I think, someclaim to precedence."

  "Just so," said Halibut, slowly; "it constitutes an excellent claim."

  The Major regarded him with moistening eyes. This was generous andnoble. His opinion of Halibut rose. "And now you have been so frank withme," said the latter, "it is only fair that you should know I startedout with the same intention three days ago and found her out. So far asclaims go, I think mine leads."

  "Pure matter of opinion," said the disgusted Major; "it really seems asthough we want an arbitrator. Well, we'll have to make our calltogether, I suppose, but I'll take care not to give you any opportunity,Halibut, so don't cherish any delusions on that point. Even you wouldn'thave the hardihood to propose before a third party, I should think; butif you do, I give you fair warning that I shall begin, too."

  "This is most unseemly," said Halibut. "We'd better both go home andleave it for another day."

  "When do you propose going, then?" asked the Major.

  "Really, I haven't made up my mind," replied the other.

  The Major shrugged his shoulders.

  "It won't do, Halibut," he said, grimly; "it won't do. I'm too old asoldier to be caught that way."

  There was a long pause. The Major mopped his brow again. "I've got it,"he said at last.

  Halibut looked at him curiously.

  "We must play for first proposal," said the Major, firmly. "We're prettyevenly matched."

  "Chess?" gasped the other, a whole world of protest in his tones.

  "Chess," repeated the Major.

  "It is hardly respectful," demurred Halibut. "What do you think the ladywould do if she heard of it?"

  "Laugh," replied the Major, with conviction.

  "I believe she would," said the other, brightening. "I believe shewould."

  "You agree, then?"

  "With conditions."

  "Conditions?" repeated the Major.

  "One game," said Halibut, speaking very slowly and distinctly; "and ifthe winner is refused, the loser not to propose until he gives himpermission."

  "What the deuce for?" inquired the other, suspiciously.

  "Suppose I win," replied Halibut, with suspicious glibness, "and was soupset
that I had one of my bilious attacks come on, where should I be?Why, I might have to break off in the middle and go home. A fellow can'tpropose when everything in the room is going round and round."

  "I don't think you ought to contemplate marriage, Halibut," remarked theMajor, very seriously and gently.

  "Thanks," said Halibut, dryly.

  "Very well," said the Major, "I agree to the conditions. Better come tomy place and we'll decide it now. If we look sharp, the winner may beable to know his fate to-day, after all."

  Halibut assenting, they walked back together. The feverish joy of thegambler showed in the Major's eye as they drew their chairs up to thelittle antique chess table and began to place their pieces ready for thefray. Then a thought struck him, and he crossed over to the sideboard.

  "If you're feeling a bit off colour, Halibut," he said, kindly, "you'dbetter have a little brandy to pull yourself together. I don't wish totake a mean advantage."

  "You're very good," said the other, as he eyed the noble measure ofliquid poured out by his generous adversary.

  "And now to business," said the Major, as he drew himself a little sodafrom a siphon.

  "Now to business," repeated Halibut, rising and placing his glass on themantel-piece.

  The Major struggled fiercely with his feelings, but, despite himself, aguilty blush lent colour to the other's unfounded suspicions.

  "Remember the conditions," said Halibut, impressively.

  "Here's my hand on it," said the other, reaching over.

  Halibut took it, and, his thoughts being at the moment far away, gave ita tender, respectful squeeze. The Major stared and coughed. It wassuggestive of practice.

  If the history of the duel is ever written, it will be found notunworthy of being reckoned with the most famous combats of ancienttimes. Piece after piece was removed from the board, and the Major drankglass after glass of soda to cool his heated brain. At the second glassHalibut took an empty tumbler and helped himself. Suddenly there was asinging in the Major's ears, and a voice, a hateful, triumphant voice,said,

  "Checkmate!"

  Then did his gaze wander from knight to bishop and bishop to castle in avain search for succour. There was his king defied by a bishop--a bishopwhich had been hobnobbing with pawns in one corner of the board, andwhich he could have sworn he had captured and removed full twentyminutes before. He mentioned this impression to Halibut.

  "That was the other one," said his foe. "I thought you had forgottenthis. I have been watching and hoping so for the last half-hour."

  There was no disguising the coarse satisfaction of the man. He hadwatched and hoped. Not beaten him, so the Major told himself, in fairplay, but by taking a mean and pitiful advantage of a pure oversight. Asheer oversight. He admitted it.

  Halibut rose with a sigh of relief, and the Major, mechanically sweepingup the pieces, dropped them one by one into the box.

  "Plenty of time," said the victor, glancing at the clock. "I shall gonow, but I should like a wash first."

  The Major rose, and in his capacity of host led the way upstairs to hisroom, and poured fresh water for his foe. Halibut washed himselfdelicately, carefully trimming his hair and beard, and anxiouslyconsulting the Major as to the set of his coat in the back, after he haddonned it again.

  His toilet completed, he gave a satisfied glance in the glass, and thenfollowed the man of war sedately down stairs. At the hall he paused, andbusied himself with the clothes-brush and hat-pad, modestly informinghis glaring friend that he could not afford to throw any chances away,and then took his departure.

  The Major sat up late that night waiting for news, but none came, and bybreakfast-time next morning his thirst for information became almostuncontrollable. He toyed with a chop and allowed his coffee to get cold.Then he clapped on his hat and set off to Halibut's to know the worst.

  "Well?" he inquired, as he followed the other into his dining-room.

  "I went," said Halibut, waving him to a chair.

  "Am I to congratulate you?"

  "Well, I don't know," was the reply; "perhaps not just yet."

  "What do you mean by that?" said the Major, irascibly.

  "Well, as a matter of fact," said Halibut, "she refused me, but sonicely and so gently that I scarcely minded it. In fact, at first Ihardly realized that she had refused me."

  The Major rose, and regarding his poor friend kindly, shook and pattedhim lightly on the shoulder.

  "She's a splendid woman," said Halibut. "Ornament to her sex," remarkedthe Major.

  "So considerate," murmured the bereaved one.

  "Good women always are," said the Major, decisively. "I don't think I'dbetter worry her to-day, Halibut, do you?"

  "No, I don't," said Halibut, stiffly.

  "I'll try my luck to-morrow," said the Major.

  "I beg your pardon," said Halibut.

  "Eh?" said the Major, trying to look puzzled.

  "You are forgetting the conditions of the game," replied Halibut. "Youhave to obtain my permission first."

  "Why, my dear fellow," said the Major, with a boisterous laugh. "Iwouldn't insult you by questioning your generosity in such a case. No,no, Halibut, old fellow, I know you too well."

  He spoke with feeling, but there was an anxious note in his voice.

  "We must abide by the conditions," said Halibut, slowly; "and I mustinform you, Brill, that I intend to renew the attack myself."

  "Then, sir," said the Major, fuming, "you compel me to say--putting allmodesty aside--that I believe the reason Mrs. Riddel would have nothingto do with you was because she thought somebody else might make asimilar offer."

  "That's what I thought," said Halibut, simply; "but you see now that youhave so unaccountably--so far as Mrs. Riddel is concerned--dropped outof the running, perhaps, if I am gently persistent, she'll take me."

  The Major rose and glared at him.

  "If you don't take care, old chap," said Halibut, tenderly, "you'llburst something."

  "Gently persistent," repeated the Major, staring at him; "gentlypersistent."

  "Remember Bruce and his spider," smiled the other.

  "You are not going to propose to that poor woman nine times?" roared hisincensed friend.

  "I hope that it will not be necessary," was the reply; "but if it is, Ican assure you, my dear Brill, that I'm not going to be outclassed by amere spider."

  "But think of her feelings!" gasped the Major.

  "I have," was the reply; "and I'm sure she'll thank me for it afterward.You see, Brill, you and I are the only eligibles in the place, and nowyou are out of it, she's sure to take me sooner or later."

  "And pray how long am I to wait?" demanded the Major, controllinghimself with difficulty.

  "I can't say," said Halibut; "but I don't think it's any good yourwaiting at all, because if I see any signs that Mrs. Riddel is waitingfor you I may just give her a hint of the hopelessness of it."

  "You're a perfect Mephistopheles, sir!" bawled the indignant Major.Halibut bowed.

  "Strategy, my dear Brill," he said, smiling; "strategy. Now why wasteyour time? Why not make some other woman happy? Why not try hercompanion, Miss Philpotts? I'm sure any little assistance--"

  The Major's attitude was so alarming that the sentence was neverfinished, and a second later the speaker found himself alone, watchinghis irate friend hurrying frantically down the path, knocking the bloomsoff the geraniums with his cane as he went. He saw no more of him forseveral weeks, the Major preferring to cherish his resentment in theprivacy of his house. The Major also refrained from seeing the widow,having a wholesome dread as to what effect the contemplation of hercharms might have upon his plighted word.

  He met her at last by chance. Mrs. Riddel bowed coldly and would havepassed on, but the Major had already stopped, and was making wild andunmerited statements about the weather.

  "It is seasonable," she said, simply.

  The Major agreed with her, and with a strong-effort regained hiscomposure.

&nbs
p; "I was just going to turn back," he said, untruthfully; "may I walk withyou?"

  "I am not going far," was the reply.

  With soldierly courage the Major took this as permission; with feminineprecision Mrs. Riddel walked about fifty yards and then stopped. "I toldyou I wasn't going far," she said sweetly, as she held out her hand."Goodby."

  "I wanted to ask you something," said the Major, turning with her. "Ican't think what it was.

  They walked on very slowly, the Major's heart beating rapidly as he toldhimself that the lady's coldness was due to his neglect of the past fewweeks, and his wrath against Halibut rose to still greater heights as hesaw the cruel position in which that schemer had placed him. Then hemade a sudden resolution. There was no condition as to secrecy, and,first turning the conversation on to indoor amusements, he told theastonished Mrs. Riddel the full particulars of the fatal game. Mrs.Riddel said that she would never forgive them; it was the mostpreposterous thing she had ever heard of. And she demanded hotly whethershe was to spend the rest of her life in refusing Mr. Halibut.

  "Do you play high as a rule?" she inquired, scornfully.

  "Sixpence a game," replied the Major, simply.

  The corners of Mrs. Riddel's mouth relaxed, and her fine eyes began towater; then she turned her head away and laughed. "It was very foolishof us, I admit," said the Major, ruefully, "and very wrong. I shouldn'thave told you, only I couldn't explain my apparent neglect without."

  "Apparent neglect?" repeated the widow, somewhat haughtily.

  "Well, put it down to a guilty conscience," said the Major; "it seemsyears to me since I have seen you."

  "Remember the conditions, Major Brill," said Mrs. Riddel, with severity.

  "I shall not transgress them," replied the Major, seriously.

  Mrs. Riddel gave her head a toss, and regarded him from the corner ofher eyes.

  "I am very angry with you, indeed," she said, severely. The Majorapologized again. "For losing," added the lady, looking straight beforeher.

  Major Brill caught his breath and his knees trembled beneath him. Hemade a half-hearted attempt to seize her hand, and then remembering hisposition, sighed deeply and looked straight before him. They walked onin silence.

  "I think," said his companion at last, "that, if you like, you can getback at cribbage what you lost at chess. That is, of course, if youreally want to."

  "He wouldn't play," said the Major, shaking his head.

  "No, but I will," said Mrs. Riddel, with a smile. "I think I've got aplan."

  She blushed charmingly, and then, in modest alarm at her boldness,dropped her voice almost to a whisper. The Major gazed at her inspeechless admiration and threw back his head in ecstasy. "Come roundto-morrow afternoon," said Mrs. Riddel, pausing at the end of the lane."Mr. Halibut shall be there, too, and it shall be done under his veryeyes."

  Until that time came the Major sat at home carefully rehearsing hispart, and it was with an air of complacent virtue that he met thesomewhat astonished gaze of the persistent Halibut next day. It was abright afternoon, but they sat indoors, and Mrs. Riddel, after ananimated description of a game at cribbage with Miss Philpotts the nightbefore, got the cards out and challenged Halibut to a game.

  They played two, both of which the diplomatic Halibut lost; then Mrs.Riddel, dismissing him as incompetent, sat drumming on the table withher fingers, and at length challenged the Major. She lost the first gameeasily, and began the second badly. Finally, after hastily glancing at anew hand, she flung the cards petulantly on the table, face downward.

  "Would you like my hand, Major Brill?" she demanded, with a blush.

  "Better than anything in the world," cried the Major, eagerly.

  Halibut started, and Miss Philpotts nearly had an accident with hercrochet hook. The only person who kept cool was Mrs. Riddel, and it wasquite clear to the beholders that she had realized neither the ambiguityof her question nor the meaning of her opponent's reply.

  "Well, you may have it," she said, brightly.

  Before Miss Philpotts could lay down her work, before Mr. Halibut couldinterpose, the Major took possession of Mrs. Riddel's small white handand raised it gallantly to his lips. Mrs. Riddel, with a faint screamwhich was a perfect revelation to the companion, snatched her hand away."I meant my hand of cards," she said, breathlessly.

  "Really, Brill, really," said Halibut, stepping forward fussily.

  "Oh!" said the Major, blankly; "cards!"

  "That's what I meant, of course," said Mrs. Riddel, recovering herselfwith a laugh. "I had no idea still--if you prefer---" The Major took herhand again, and Miss Philpotts set Mr. Halibut an example--which he didnot follow--by gazing meditatively out of the window. Finally shegathered up her work and quitted the room. Mrs. Riddel smiled over atMr. Halibut and nodded toward the Major.

  "Don't you think Major Brill is somewhat hasty in hisconclusions?"]

  "Don't you think Major Brill is somewhat hasty in his conclusions?" sheinquired, softly.

  "I'll tell Major Brill what I think of him when I get him alone," saidthe injured gentleman, sourly.