The Wit and Humor of America, Volume III. (of X.)

by Ambrose Bierce

  The Old Gag was dead.

  IN ELIZABETH'S DAY

  BY WALLACE RICE

  Who would not give the treasure Of very many lives If some kind fate would pleasure To let him be where Ben is A-playing Kit at tennis, Or playing Will at fives?

  The racquet ne'er so deftly Is turned, whoever strives, The ball flies ne'er so swiftly As thought and tongue where Ben is A-playing Kit at tennis, Or playing Will at fives.

  THE TWO AUTOMOBILISTS

  BY CAROLYN WELLS

  Once on a Time there were Two Young Men, each of whom Bought anAutomobile.

  One Young Man, being of a Bold and Audacious nature, said:

  "I will make my Machine go so Fast that I will break all PreviousRecords."

  Accordingly, he did So, and he Flew through the Small Town like a RedDragon Pursuing his Prey.

  Unheeding all Obstacles in his Mad Career, his Automobile ran into aWall of Rock, and was dashed to Pieces. Also, the young Man was killed.

  The Other Young Man, being of a Timorous and Careful Disposition,started off with great Caution and Rode at a Slow Pace, pausing now andthen, Lest he might Run into Something.

  The Result was, that Two Automobiles and an Ice Wagon ran into him frombehind, spoiling his Car and Killing the Cautious Young Man.

  MORALS:

  This Fable teaches Us, The More Haste The Less Speed, and Delays AreDangerous.

  THE NEW VERSION

  BY W.J. LAMPTON

  A soldier of the Russians Lay japanned at Tschrtzvkjskivitch, There was lack of woman's nursing And other comforts which Might add to his last moments And smooth the final way;-- But a comrade stood beside him To hear what he might say. The japanned Russian faltered As he took that comrade's hand, And he said: "I never more shall see My own my native land; Take a message and a token To some distant friends of mine, For I was born at Smnlxzrskgqrxzski, Fair Smnlxzrskgqrxzski on the Irkztrvzkimnov."

  SOUTHERN SKETCHES

  BY BILL ARP

  JIM ALLCORN

  I was only thinkin' how much better it is to be in a lively humor thanbe goin' about like a disappointed offis seeker. Good humor is a blessedthing in a family and smooths down a heap of trubble. I never was madbut a few times in my life, and then I wasn't mad long. Foaks thought Iwas mad when I fout Jim Allcorn, but I wasent. I never had had anygrudge agin Jim. He had never done me any harm, but I could hear of hissayin' around in the naborhood that Bill Arp had played cock of the walklong enuf. So one day I went over to Chulio court ground to joak withthe boys, and shore enuf Jim was there, and I soon perseeved that thedevil was in him. He had never been whipped by anybody in the distrikt,and he outweighed me by about fifteen pounds. A drink or two had madehim sassy, and so he commenced walkin' around first to one crowd, andthen to another, darin' anybody to fite him. He would pint to hisforrerd and say, "I'll give anybody five dollars to hit that." I wasstandin' tawkin' to Frank Air and John Johnsin, and as nobody took upJim's offer, thinks says I to myself, if he cums round here a huntin'for a fite he shall have one, by golly. If he dares me to hit him I'lldo it if it's the last lick I ever strike on this side of Jordin. FrankAir looked at me, and seemed to know what I was a thinkin', and sayshe, "Bill, jest let Allcorn alone. He's too big for you, and besides,there ain't nothin' to fite about." By this time Jim was makin' ritetowards us. I put myself in position, and by the time he got to us everymuscle in my body was strung as tite as a banjo. I was worked uppowerful, and felt like I could whip a campmeetin' of wild cats. Shoreenuf Jim stepped up defiantly, and lookin' me rite in the eye, says he,"I dare anybody to hit that," and he touched his knuckles to hisforrerd. He had barely straightened before I took him rite in the lefteye with a sock-dolyger that popped like a wagin' whip. It turned himhalf round, and as quick as lightnin' I let him hav another on the righttemple, and followed it up with a leap that sprawled him as flat as afoot mat. I knowed my customer, and I never giv him time to rally. Ifever a man was diligent in business it was me. I took him so hard and sofast in the eyes with my fists, and in his bred basket with my knees,that he didn't hav a chance to see or to breathe, and he was the worstwhipped man in two minets I ever seed in my life. When he hollered Ihelped him up and breshed the dirt off his clothes, and he was as umbleas a ded nigger and as sober as a Presbyterian preacher. We took a dramon the strength of it, and was always good frends afterwards.

  But I dident start to tell you about that.

  JIM PERKINS (COUSIN OF ELI)

  I jist wanted to say that I wasent mad with Jim Allcorn, as sum peepulsupposed; but it do illustrate the onsertainty of human kalkulashuns inthis subloonery world. The disappintments of life are amazin', and if aman wants to fret and grumble at his luck he can find a reesunableoppertunity to do so every day that he lives. Them sort ofconstitutional grumblers ain't much cumpany to me. I'd rather be JimPerkins with a bullit hole through me and take my chances. Jim, youknow, was shot down at Gains' Mill, and the ball went in at theumbilikus, as Dr. Battey called it, and cum out at the backbone. TheDoktor sounded him, and sez he, "Jeems, my friend, your wound ismortal." Jim looked at the Doktor, and then at me, and sez he, "That'sbad, ain't it?" "Mighty bad," sez I, and I was as sorry for him as Iever was for anybody in my life. Sez he, "Bill, I'd make a will if itwarn't for one thing." "What's that, Jim?" sez I. He sorter smiled andsez, "I hain't got nothin' to will." He then raised up on his elbow, andsez he, "Doktor, is there one chance in a hundred for me?" and theDoktor sez, "Jest about, Jim." "Well, then," sez he, "I'll git well--Ifeel it in my gizzard." He looked down at the big hole in his umbilikus,and sez he, "If I do get well, won't it be a great _naval_ viktry,Doktor Battey?" Well, shore enuff he did git well, and in two months hewas fitin' the Yanks away up in Maryland.

  But I didn't start to tell you about that.

  IKE MACKOY

  I jest stuck it in by way of illustratin' the good effeks of keepin' upone's spirits. My motto has always been to never say die, as Gen. Nelsonsed at the battle of Madagascar, or sum other big river. All thingsconsidered, I've had a power of good luck in my life. I don't mean moneyluck, by no means, for most of my life I've been so ded poor thatLazarus would hev been considered a note shaver compared with me. ButI've been in a heap of close places, and sumhow always cum out rite sideup with keer. Speakin' of luck, I don't know that I ever told you aboutthat rassel I had with Ike McKoy at Bob Hide's barbyku. You see Ike wasperhaps the best rasler in all Cherokee, and he jest hankered after achance to break a bone or two in my body. Now, you know, I never huntedfor a fite nor a fuss in my life, but I never dodged one. I dident wanta tilt with Ike, for my opinyun was that he was the best man of the two,but I never sed anything and jest trusted to luck. We was both at thebarbyku, and he put on a heap of airs, and strutted around with hisshirt collar open clean down to his waist, and his hat cocked on oneside as sassy as a confedrit quartermaster. He took a dram or two andstuffed himself full of fresh meat at dinner time. Purty soon it wasnorated around that Ike was going to banter me for a rassel, and, shoreenuff, he did. The boys were all up for some fun, and Ike hollered out,"I'll bet ten dollars I can paster the length of any man on the ground,and I'll giv Bill Arp five dollars to take up the bet." Of course therewas no gittin' around the like of that. The banter got my blood up, andso, without waitin' for preliminaries, I shucked myself and went in. Theboys was all powerfully excited, and was a bettin' evry dollar theycould raise; and Bob Moore, the feller I had licked about a year before,jumped on a stump and sed hed bet twenty dollars to ten that Ike wouldknock the breath out of me the first fall. I jest walked over to himwith the money and sed, "I'll take that bet." The river was right closeto the ring, and the bank was purty steep. I had on a pair of oldbreeches that had been sained in and dried so often they was about halfrotten. When we hitched, Ike took good britches hold, and lifted me upand down a few times like I was a child. He was the heaviest, but I hadthe most spr
ing in me, and so I jest let him play round for sum time,limber like, until he suddenly took a notion to make short work of itby one of his backleg movements. He drawed me up to his body and liftedme in the air with a powerful twist. Just at that minit his back wasclose to the river bank, and as my feet touched the ground I giv atremenjius jerk backwards, and a shuv forwards, and my britches bustedplum open on the back, and tore clean off in front, and he fell from meand tumbled into the water, kerchug, and went out of sight as clean as amud turtle in a mill pond. Such hollerin' as them boys done I rekonnever heard in them woods. I jumped in and helped Ike get out as he rizto the top. He had took in a quart or two of water on top of hisbarbyku, and he set on the bank and throwed up enuf vittels to feed apack of houns for a week. When he got over it he laffd, and sed Sallytold him before he left home he'd better let Bill Arp alone--for nobodycould run agin his luck. Ike always believed he would hav throwd me ifbritches holt hadent broke, and I rekon may be he would. One thing issertin, it cured him of braggin', and that helps anybody. I never didlike a braggin' man. As a genrul thing they ain't much akkount, andremind me of a dog I used to have, named Cesar.

  DOGS

  But I dident start to tell you a dog story--only now, since I'vementioned him, I must tell you a circumstance about Cees. He was amiddlin' size broot, with fox ears and yaller spots over his eyes, andcould out bark and out brag all creation when he was inside the yard. Ifanother dog was goin' along he'd run up and down the palins and bark andtake on like he'd give the world if that fence wasent there. So one daywhen he was showin' off in that way I caught him by the nap of the neckas he run by me, and jest histed him right over and drapped him. Hestruck the ground like an injun rubber ball, and was back agin on myside in a jiffy. If he had ever jumped that fence before I dident knowit. The other dog run a quarter of a mile without stoppin'. Now, that'sthe way with sum foaks. If you want to hear war tawk jest put a fencebetween 'em; and if you want it stopped, jest take the fence away. Dogsis mighty like peepul anyhow. They've got karacter. Sum of em are good,honest, trusty dogs that bark mity little and bite at the right time.Sum are good pluk, and will fite like the dickens when their masters isclose by to back em, but ain't worth a cent by themselves. Sum make it abizness to make other dogs fite. You've seen these little fices arunnin' around growlin' and snappin' when two big dogs cum together.They are jest as keen to get up a row and see a big dog fite as a storeclerk or a shoemaker, and seem to enjoy it as much. And then, there'sthem mean yaller-eyed bull terriers that don't care who they bite, sothey bite sumbody. They are no respekter of persons, and I never hadmuch respekt for a man who kept one on his premises. But of all mean,triflin', contemptible dogs in the world, the meanest of all is acountry nigger's houn--one that will kill sheep, and suck eggs, and lickthe skillet, and steal everything he can find, and try to do as nighlike his master as possibul. Sum dogs are filosofers, and study otherdogs' natur, just like foaks study foaks. It's amazin' to see a town dogtrot up to a country dog and interview him. How quick he finds outwhether it will do to attack him or not. If the country dog shows fitejest notis the consequential dignity with which the town dog retires. Hegoes off like there was a sudden emergency of bisness a callin' himaway. Town dogs sumtimes combine agin a country dog, jest like townboys try to run over country boys. I wish you could see Dr. Miller's dogCartoosh. He jest lays in the piazzer all day watchin' out for a straydog, and as soon as he sees him he goes for him, and he can tell in halfa minit whether he can whip him or run him; and if he can, he does itinstanter, and if he can't he runs to the next yard, where there's twomore dogs that nabor with him, and in a minit they all cum a tarin' outtogether, and that country dog has to run or take a whippin', shore.I've seen Cartoosh play that game many a time. These town pups remind mepowerfully of small editurs prowlin' around for news. In my opinyun theyis the inventors of the interview bisness.

  INTERVIEWERS

  If it ain't a doggish sort of bisnes I'm mistaken in my idees of theproprietes of life. When a man gits into trubble, these sub editurs gofur him right strait, and they force their curosity away down into hisheart strings, and bore into his buzzom with an augur as hard and ascold as chilld iron. Then away they go to skatter his feelins andsekrets to the wide, wide world. You see the poor feller can't helphimself, for if he won't talk they'll go off and slander him, and makethe publik beleeve he's dun sumthing mean, and is ashamed to own it.I've knowd em to go into a dungeon and interview a man who dident havetwo hours to live. Dot rot em. I wish one of em would try to interviewme. If he didn't catch leather under his coat tail it would be bekaus heretired prematurely--that's all. But I like editurs sorter--especiallysum. I like them that is the guardeens of sleepin' liberty, and goodmorals, and publik welfare, and sich like; but there's sum kinds I don'tlike. Them what makes sensation a bizness; feedin' the peepul onskandal, and crime, and gossip, and private quarrels, and them whatlevies black mail on polytiks, and won't go for a man who won't pay em,and will go for a man that will. Them last watch for elekshun times jestlike a sick frog waitin' for rain.

  As Bill Nations used to say, I'd drather be a luniak and gnaw chains inan asylum, than to be an editur that everybody feard and nobodyrespekted.

  THE TWO BUSINESS MEN

  BY CAROLYN WELLS

  Once on a Time two Business Men were Each Confronted with what seemed tobe a Fine Chance to Make Money.

  One Man, being of a Cautious and Prudent Nature, said: "I will not TakeHold of this Matter until I have Carefully Examined it in All itsAspects and Inquired into All its Details."

  While he was thus Occupied in a thorough Investigation he Lost hisChance of becoming a Partner in the Project, and as It proved to be aBooming Success, he was Much Chagrined.

  The Other Man, when he saw a Golden Opportunity Looming Up Before him,Embraced it at once, without a Preliminary Question or Doubt.

  But alas! after he had Invested all his Fortune in it, the Scheme provedto be Worthless, and he Lost all his Money.

  MORALS:

  This Fable teaches that you should Strike While the Iron is Hot, andLook Before you Leap.

  THE RETORT

  BY GEORGE P. MORRIS

  Old Nick, who taught the village school, Wedded a maid of homespun habit; He was stubborn as a mule, She was playful as a rabbit.

  Poor Jane had scarce become a wife, Before her husband sought to make her The pink of country polished life, And prim and formal as a Quaker.

  One day the tutor went abroad, And simple Jenny sadly missed him; When he returned, behind her lord She slyly stole, and fondly kissed him.

  The husband's anger arose--and red And white his face alternate grew. "Less freedom, ma'am!"--Jane sighed and said, "Oh dear! I didn't know 'twas you!"

  _A Book about Indians, Animals, and the Woods_

  Kuloskap, the Master

  AND OTHER ALGONKIN LEGENDS AND POEMS

  By Charles Godfrey Leland, F.R.S.L., _and_ John Dyneley Prince, Ph.D.

  In the first four cantos are told the legends of the Indian god,Kuloskap, narrating how he created the Indians' world, cared for theinterests of his children, dealt with the animal kingdom, and punishedthe sorcerers. Following these cantos will be found the witchcraft lore,lyrics, and miscellany. The stories take the reader into the heart ofnature. In the innermost recesses of the forest he follows the strangedoings of wizards, goblins, and witches, and revels in such exquisitelyrics as those that tell of "The Scarlet Tanager and the Leaf," "TheStory of Nipon the Summer," "Lox, the Indian Devil," "The Song of theStars," and others.

  _Dan Beard_ says: "It is the American Indian's 'King Arthur's Round Table,' 'Robin Hood,' and 'The Arabian Nights.'"

  _Ernest Thompson-Seton_ says: "... Priceless, unique, irreplaceable."

  _San Francisco Bulletin_: "It is a valuable contribution to the folk-lore of the world, and of intense interest."

  _The Independent_: "... Dainty in its woodsy f
reshness ... has the same beauty as the Norse myths."

  _12mo, Cloth, 359 pp., Ornamental Cover, Profusely Illustrated withHalf-tones by F. Berkeley Smith, Ten Birchbark Tracings by Mr. Lelandafter Indian Designs, and a Frontispiece in Color by Edwin WillardDeming. $2.00, post-paid._

  FUNK & WAGNALLS COMPANY, PublishersNEW YORK and LONDON

  _A Charming Book_

  My Musical Memories

  By REV. H.R. HAWEIS, A.M., _Author of "American Humorists," Etc., Etc._

  A volume of personal reminiscences, dealing with early Life andRecollections, Hearing Music, Old Violins, Paganini, Liszt, Wagner,"Parsifal," and other kindred subjects, in a manner both artistic andpleasing, which shows the author to be a person of great criticalability in the realm of music. He is an enthusiast, for music hathcharms, so hath its memories; but his enthusiasm never carries himbeyond the bounds of good sense and fair judgment.

  "Of all Mr. Haweis' contributions to musical literature none is richer or more readable than 'My Musical Memories'; in short, it is a treasury of musical intelligence such as only a critical taste and an almost infallible instinct could have gathered."--_The Musical Herald, Boston._

  "Those who know the charm and clearness of Mr. Haweis' style in descriptive musical essays will need no commendation of these 'Memories,' which are not only vivid but critical."--_The Public Ledger, Phila._

  _12mo, Cloth. Price, $1, Post-paid._