He placed his hand on my knee and I melted.
I wasn’t myself with him, but I turned toward him when he asked, “Why? You were hesitant to move down here because you cared about giving up the financial security of your job.”
True, but I figured whatever the number was, it was enough. I skipped over the whole thing and ignored how my skin was on pins and needles.
“I… honestly, I have a hard time seeing myself as some lady with her own hair salon and personal stylists. I’ve not lived outside of work since my own mother died.”
He lowered his voice, but his hand didn’t move. “It’s one of the traits I like about you.”
I scooted closer and said, “I cared for my dying mother every day for a long nine months and never cared about makeup. And none of my patients listened if I tried to be pretty instead of practical.”
“That’s because you’d steal their breath away.”
“That would be a bad hospital.” The heaviness of the conversation kept my libido in check. I wiped tears out of my eyes. “I’ve dealt with death every day for years in the ER.”
“Which is why you’re perfect to help Chelsea.”
My lips pressed together. “ER and emotional loss are different. I’m trying here, but I’m not an expert.” He was so close that my skin buzzed. I ignored how my body ached and instead said, “Not to change the topic, but why did you say all that to my sister?”
His lips came closer to me like he’d kiss me, but he asked, “Say what?”
My eyes fluttered closed, but I ignored the tension and asked, “Best woman you ever met? That’s a bit of a stretch. Your friend, Sally, seems wonderful, for one.”
He let out a small laugh. “Okay, she’s nice and all, but I can’t stop thinking about you.”
“You shouldn’t want me,” I said.
Then his lips crushed mine.
“Yet, I want to fuck you all the time, even now.” His second kiss set me on fire. Wow. Goosebumps grew on me and even my breasts perked like I wanted to be ready for him.
As we broke to breathe, he said, “I most definitely want more.”
My heartbeat grew faster and my body was zapping with desire though I shook my head. “I’m not fancy or special. I’m boring.”
His hands curled around my waist. “And sweet and sexy when naked.”
A huge part of me wanted nothing more than to toss my clothes on the floor and forget today, but I ran my hand through his thick hair. “You don’t need me. You can have someone who will glow on your arm.”
He curled my shirt up a bit and squeezed my backside. “Hey, stop talking badly about my fiancée.”
Tomorrow, we were getting married. I closed my eyes and let him take my shirt off. “Funny.”
He traced my body like he wanted to memorize every inch of me. “It’s the truth.” He stopped and it was like he stared into my soul. “You seriously don’t see the value in yourself?”
I trembled when I said, “I guess I don’t.”
He stopped touching me and his gaze seemed almost sincere. “You’re a true lady, not one that’s out for power. You have a good heart and that’s rare. I just don’t want to ever hurt you.”
“You can’t.”
“My ex, Dora, stormed out of my tent and into enemy fire because I told her we were breaking up.”
“That had to be hard.” Guilt was his reason for wanting this marriage. I wasn’t ever going to be brave like his ex must have been. I was nice and good enough to be a fill-in mom, and caretaker, and bed mate. He was super amazing and sweet and as I stared at his thick lips, I wondered how I’d ever truly be in his heart if he wanted someone that different from me. I massaged my neck and said, “I don’t know if I’d be able to move on from that.”
He caressed my cheek. “Yet, I want you, more and more.”
From now on, I’d have to hide my flaws better and my heart. He’d see in time how he already took up this huge spot inside it.
I sighed. “That’s nice to hear. I guess. But that’s not what the deal was.”
His hardness was obvious, but he didn’t touch me.
Instead, he said, “Sex was mentioned.”
There it was. This wasn’t about love. I wasn’t worthy, not really, but I refused to shed a tear as I asked, “I might want more.”
He ran his hand up and down my back when he said, “I don’t have anything more to offer.”
“You’re wrong.” I curled my arms around his neck. “You’re the guy a girl dreams about all her life.”
He kissed me again and steam poured out of my skin.
I wished the pulsating he sent through me both stopped and continued to grow.
“You’re perfect, Ridley.”
“That’s not true.”
He reached for my skirt and unzipped it. “Take my word for it.”
I let him. I’d give him anything I had for more of him, but as I sat up and watched him strip his own shirt, I wiped a tear out of my eye. When he returned, he took my hands. “You just don’t see the truth about me.”
Huh? I raised my eyebrow and asked, “What’s that?”
He let me go and dropped his pants. “That I’m a real-life grim reaper and it’s good you’re here to protect Chelsea.”
He returned to the bed with me and tugged my bra strap down when I said, “You’re a hero and protect those you love.”
He froze and put his hands on the bed around me. “I lost everyone who ever gave a damn about me.”
He was rigid and tense.
I sat straighter and asked, “How?”
He stared at the wall like he was reliving a memory. “We were in the wrong sandbox. Were surrounded. When the shots fired down at us… I was the only one in a safe location.”
I can’t imagine how he felt. When people die in the ER, they came there for a reason and we did our best to help. My heart ached for him, but I lowered my lashes and said, “That’s horribly and traumatic. Did you get help for PTSD?”
He rolled his shoulders like he needed to relax. “Doesn’t change the fact I couldn’t save them.”
I massaged his muscles and the skin-to-skin where my breasts brushed against his back made me wish were meant to be and in love. I kissed his cheek. “Yet you’re here for your dad, took Chelsea in immediately, and you are surrounded by love.”
He turned and stared at my lips when he said, “I didn’t know you’d be free. I figured another guy must have married you already.”
All we'd done at that wedding was dance. Sure, I'd imagined a life with him, but that was fleeting. I’d had that picture on my phone because I’d know I'd never meet another man like him. My heart fluttered. “I… that’s sweet of you to even say when we both know we’re just a business deal, for Chelsea.”
And then he kissed me and I gave him everything I had. I was his for the taking, just as I’d dreamed we’d be.
Chapter 13
Carter
My body was sated though more of Ridley might keep me beside her forever.
Outside we had a red sky for the sunset, but inside, I was paralyzed. I wasn’t the kind of guy designed for marital bliss.
I couldn’t offer Ridley what she wanted. In another life, maybe, she’d be the love of my life. But I’d not take the risk.
Everyone who depended on me died. My father had been an exception since he needed a nurse and business was impersonal. Ridley though, if she and I ever fell in love for real, she’d be in danger.
I refused to let that happen to her. She was better off alone.
With a soft sigh, she sat up and her lips were curved up. Her glow only enhanced her.
She patted her belly, which was under the blue sheet and asked, “Are you hungry?”
“I can be.” I ran my hand over my head and wished the joy on Ridley’s face filled me too.
Yet I didn’t deserve happiness or joy.
My shoulders seemed heavy, but I said, “It’s after seven. My father and Chelsea are probably eating.”
; She jumped out of bed and headed to the bathroom. “Get dressed. We should be there for her.”
Once she finished in the shower. I cleaned myself up fast then we headed down the hall.
She brushed against my hand like she wanted to hold it, but I stepped back.
She must be in some good man’s sights somewhere that was better than me. I was cursed. Even our deal wasn’t fair to her. Chelsea was probably safer away from me too. I’d never replace her father.
We joined my father and Chelsea at the round table that overlooked the back patio and the fields and took our seats.
“Chelsea. Hudson, how are you both?” Ridley asked.
My father’s gaze narrowed. He must have noticed Ridley’s glow.
He folded his hands in front of his lamb chop dinner. “You look at peace.”
I hadn’t meant to follow his advice. Tension ran up my back, but I waited until the servants placed plates in front of Ridley and me. Once they left, I hoped I could rationalize what he thought he saw. “Pop-"
“We’re happy you’re here,” He interrupted and stared at me without blinking. “We were talking about the two of you just now.”
Ridley’s voice broke the air as she asked, “Chelsea, how are you holding up?”
Her head lowered and it sounded like a whimper. “The movie was okay, but I’m still… sad.”
Ridley scooted closer and wrapped her arms around Chelsea’s shoulder. “Today was hard for all of us. We'll never forget them.”
Chelsea turned into her and hugged her. “Good, because I don’t want to.”
Ridley’s heart was exactly what Chelsea needed. My father and I were better at odds and we shouldn’t get too close for his own safety either.
Maybe I was being selfish in demanding she stay here when she’d be better living her own life. I was here for logistics, hoping the tension eased.
“The staff mentioned they started loading your room with your belongings.”
Chelsea sniffled and then said, “Thanks, Carter.”
Being dependable was a weight I hadn’t expected to ever bear, but I said, “If you need anything, just ask.”
Pop then said, “I’m just glad you are both getting married. You both seem happy.”
My ears burned. Happy was for couples in love. I swallowed, unsure of what to say.
Ridley and Chelsea had been whispering, but when I gave them my attention, Ridley wiped Chelsea’s eyes and said, “Your mom loved makeup. She was always trying to get me to wear some.”
Bernie expected his girl to be safe.
I heard him in the back of my mind and closed my eyes when I said, “Bernie always said he was the luckiest man alive because he had your mom.”
Ridley’s voice was high and sweet as she said, “You know we met at your parent's wedding.”
Chelsea asked, “Really?”
I focused on my dinner and ate, though my stomach was tight and slightly jumpy.
“It was one of the times your mother insisted I wear lipstick.” Ridley reached behind her. “Let me show you a picture.” I stopped chewing as she showed Chelsea our pictures. “We were both in the wedding party. This is us dancing.”
Chelsea took Ridley’s phone and forwarded the pictures to her phone.
My father’s plate was empty, same as mine, and he said, “You picked a good woman. I’m proud of you, Carter.”
Too good. I took a deep breath that almost popped inside the back of my throat. “Pop, don’t get involved.”
No more pretending our deal was about falling in love. I put my fork and knife down. “Let’s talk.”
“Yeah.” I rubbed my temples and then motioned with my head we should head out.
My father and I excused ourselves and we headed to the office.
Neither of us said anything until I closed the door, and he said, “Something’s going on with you. Don’t ruin the best thing we’ve had in our lives in a long time.”
I motioned for him to sit as nerves ate through me. “Ridley is the better person to raise Bernie’s daughter.”
I took the seat beside him and folded my hands on the table. “Ridley is caring, and sweet, and will be a lovely Mrs. Rockson. You are both going to help Chelsea together. Don’t start changing the plan when we’re close to actually being a family again.”
Ridley was special. No other woman I’d ever met would fit that role. But this was a business deal first and foremost. This wasn’t about love, even if my insides were all twisted.
I blinked and asked, “Pop, you and mom never talked in years, before she died, but that’s never going to be how I live my life. This doesn’t mean I should waste her life here with us.”
“Waste?" Pop let out a long sigh like the words were ones he didn’t want to say. But he swallowed. “You came home to help me. I don’t know what losing friends are like. I never made them. In business, I knew how to make money, but I picked the wrong woman for me. But you… you learned a good lesson from my pain, but if you let Ridley go, you’re just as bad.”
My mother had me believing that women were all about expanding their bottom line. The SEALs had taught me discipline, but money doesn’t let me trust any woman easily.
Ridley was beautiful because she had this wonderful heart and she took things seriously.
“Ridley is sweet.”
“She is.” I ignored how my blood pumped into my cold heart. “But when I met her, I was looking for a way to protect Chelsea and didn’t trust Ridley.”
“Trusting her is a good thing.”
The words rang hollow in my ears. I asked to avoid that mantle and my father should know me.
I leaned forward. “Marrying Ridley meant she could take care of Chelsea’s day-to-day needs and I could ensure they were protected here.”
He laughed at me. “You’re pretending you don’t love her.”
Love bolted through my blood like I’d been given some drug. “I… look love isn’t in the cards for me.”
Pop patted my knee and I glanced at him. “Your grandparents, my mom and dad tried to pay me not to marry your mother.”
I stilled in my seat. “What?”
He coughed. “They both thought she’d ruin me. My mom called Hannah vain.”
My mother had had me in ties and suits as long as I could remember, and she paraded me out to show off how she managed to be a mom and take on whatever project she spearheaded.
Ridley Steel would never use Chelsea as a reason to push an agenda. She’d ensure the girl’s needs were met better than me. “Mom was… yeah, she was that.”
“She gave me you.”
“I’m not a prize.” My father showing me how to run the company had taken up many hours of my teen years, but I’d been hollow inside.
“No, you’re my son.”
I’d also been hollow since I'd returned home from Afghanistan, until Ridley and Chelsea showed up. Memories and guilt locked me in place until I needed to act.
My shoulders were in a knot, but I said, “You shouldn’t have-"
“You were my son and the only thing Hannah ever did for me was have you. So we shared what we both valued.”
I made the vow to marry a woman tomorrow who deserved more than a deal.
My parents should be a vivid reminder that a life-long deal of pain only hurt everyone.
A knock sounded on the door.
Chelsea was right on Ridley's heels, but Ridley's face was bright and captured my attention as she said, “Sorry to interrupt. Chelsea said she and Hudson made plans?”
My father gripped both sides of his seat and stood when he said, “Yes, we’ll leave you two love birds alone.”
I stood as well and ignored how my skin had goosebumps when Ridley came closer. I called out, “Pop, why are you so good with Chelsea? You’re usually hard on everyone.”
His wrinkles lifted and his eyes glittered when he said, “I’m an old man who's used to getting his way. But no one ever asked me to help pick flowers for their room. You were
sent away and not interested in my color opinion.”
True. Boarding school had limited time I spent at home.
He took another step and took the girls’ hand, but I asked, “Why did you let that happen?”
He bobbed his head back and forth and then tapped the door frame. “Homelife wasn’t exactly a picnic. You were protected that way.”
I’d been alone and reckless but never put anyone in harm’s way on purpose by keeping them close.
I almost took Ridley’s hand but stopped as I called out, “I judged you wrong, Pop.”
He shook his head and stared at both me and Ridley. “No, you didn’t. I fell into a routine of giving you a hard time, but you have the right to be happy.”
And then they left. I listened to the footsteps until they disappeared and then turned toward Ridley.
Her beauty overpowered me and I stepped back.
She bounced on her feet. “Sounds like you and your father had a good conversation.”
My mind raced as the moon began to rise higher in the sky now.
I couldn’t stand still and pointed behind me. “I guess. Ridley, can we go and talk?”
She tilted her head and didn’t move. “Not here?”
If I closed the door and stayed beside her, I might do something stupid, like saying I love you.
So instead, I said, “No, let’s take a walk.”
Her face blushed, but then she nodded. “I’ll get my sneakers and meet you.”
“Sounds perfect,” I said and went to the door. I needed air and we needed to talk.
Tomorrow was too close, but if I led this conversation the wrong way then I would ruin her life. I had no right to love anyone else. I only ended up failing them.
Chapter 14
Ridley
Next to Carter, the air smelled fresh.
Tomorrow we would be married, and for one second, I wished we could be more than a business deal. I shouldn’t, but he was the only man I ever came close to loving.
It was so obvious today. I should have realized how I felt years ago.
Beside him, I hoped he’d somehow see that I was good for him and accept.
I’d be thrilled to take him as my husband and mean every word of my vows.
Wicked Cowboy (Steel Series Book 4) Page 9
