The Girl from Berlin, #1

by Ellie Midwood

  I caught myself holding my breath listening to my husband’s story. He was speaking very quietly, as if talking more to himself than to me. I realized that it was probably the first time he was telling this to anyone and, afraid to interrupt him, I didn’t dare to even move.

  “And then there was Nuremberg. By then I already swore my absolute loyalty to my Führer and believed in his cause unconditionally. I almost idolized him, just like the rest of my Aryan brothers, who were standing next to me shoulder to shoulder. We were the best of the best, he said. The purest of the purest. The future rulers of the world. I didn’t know what he really meant back then. Until he announced the Nuremberg Laws.”

  He shook his head and looked at the empty glass in his hand.

  “We needed to cleanse the nation from within. That was the new course that the Party took in 1935. First we create the perfectly clean Aryan society and then we make the rest of the world fall on its knees before us. For the first time in my life I started to doubt my Führer’s words. I thought that we wanted to break the chains put on us by the British and the French, not to deport half of our fellow Germans out of the country. Yes, they were Jewish, but did it matter if each and every single one of them loved Germany as much as we, Aryans, did? They lived here, most of them for generations, they spoke German, they even fought in the Great War for their Fatherland! And we were supposed to get rid of them just because our Führer was afraid that they would ‘contaminate’ the pure Aryan blood? That certainly didn’t make any sense to me.”

  He sat still for a minute, staring at the fire without blinking. I was wondering what he was reminiscing about, maybe about the old, hopeful Heinrich, who behind the noble cause of his Führer couldn’t see his true evil ways. I gently put my hand on top of his, silently inviting him to tell me more.

  “After 1935 everything changed. He was now openly speaking of Judenfrei Germany and how we were supposed to come to it. Right away began the harassment, segregation, deportation… executions. And we, the SS, were supposed to be in charge of it all.”

  Heinrich suddenly got up and went to the bar to pour more cognac in his glass. I guess that it was difficult for him to speak about it sober.

  “Do you know how I got my first big promotion? We received an order to liquidate the unwanted emigrants on the German border. You see, the Führer deported them, and the Polish government refused them entry into Poland as well. So some of them found themselves just stranded near the border, nowhere to go. They tried to ask local farmers for some food or at least water for the children, but farmers started to complain to the officials about more and more Jews arriving and wandering around the area. They were afraid for their crops.”

  Heinrich shook his head and finished his glass in several big gulps.

  “So the leader of my group told me to take about twenty men and… take care of the situation. I asked him for clearer instructions. And then he said, “Just make sure no Jews are left there by tomorrow. And do it in such a way so as not to upset the farmers.” When I arrived there with my team, it took us not more than half of the day to successfully herd all the Jews into one place. They gladly followed us, thinking that we were there to resolve their situation. And in a sense we were.”

  I could see Heinrich’s jawline harden while his gaze was fixed at something in the dark sky. I was dreading what he was about to say next.

  “I had an order to liquidate them quietly and away from farmers’ eyes. The only way to do it was to take them to the nearest forest and execute them over there. But then we needed to get rid of all the bodies, and there were at least a hundred people there. When I ordered several Jewish men to dig a ditch, they all understood that it would be their last resting place. And do you know what shocked me the most? They didn’t start crying or begging for their lives. No, they just stood there quietly, looking at us. At me. Men, young and old. Women – their wives, sisters, and mothers. Their children. A pregnant woman with her husband. Nobody said a word. Not a single word.”

  I wanted to come up to him, hug him, console him but didn’t dare to interrupt his confession. I knew that he needed to relive it all once again, by himself, and touching him now seemed somehow inappropriate.

  “When the ditch was deep enough, I told the Jews to throw the shovels out and remain in the ditch. And then I built a firing squad of ten people and ordered them to shoot the Jews in the ditch. Do you know what happened? They couldn’t do it. They were young boys and they’d never shot anybody in their lives. So they were just standing there, holding their guns in shaking hands and looking helplessly at me and at the Jews in the ditch. For one second there I thought to myself, we can all just let them go, tell them to take a chance and try to get through the Polish border, just get out of there, because nobody would have known anyway. But I swore my loyalty to my Führer. ‘My Honor is Loyalty,’ that was our motto. I was a soldier and had an order.”

  Heinrich slowly filled his glass once again and downed it in almost one shot. But he wasn’t getting drunk no matter how hard he tried.

  “I had to show those boys an example. I was their leader and they were looking up to me. So I started yelling at them, saying what kind of SS soldiers were they if they couldn’t execute a few Jews? Doesn’t their oath mean anything to them? What would their Führer say? What kind of future rulers of the world were they if they didn’t have the balls to pull a trigger… You know, I was yelling more at myself, not at them, trying to get myself angry. And then I pulled my gun out, came up to the ditch, and shot the first man in the head. ‘Is it that hard to do?!’ I was screaming at the faces of the boys. I shot the second one. ‘Is it?!!’ I shot the third one. The fourth. The fifth. ‘Finish the job,’ I said. ‘If you refuse to shoot, I’ll put you all in the same ditch because you’re no better than the dead Jews already laying in it.’ They shot the other five men still remaining in the ditch and started to bring new people. I told them to line them up in front of the ditch, by ten, so every soldier would execute one Jew at the time.” After a minute of dead silence lingering in the room, Heinrich turned around and looked at me. “Do you know what the scariest part was? The children.”

  I shook my head, desperately pleading him with my eyes not to say anything more.

  “The mothers didn’t want to let them go. They didn’t cry, didn’t beg us to spare their children’s lives, no. They just wouldn’t allow the children to let go of their hands. So, I had to tell my soldiers to shoot them together, with a rifle, so the bullet would simultaneously kill the mother and the child she was holding. In about fifteen minutes we were done. After a couple of hours there was nothing left as a reminder of the hundred people we brought there. Just the fresh ground on top of the ditch and a slight smell of gun powder still lingering in the air. The following week I was promoted to SS Obersturmführer. I executed a hundred innocent people and they highly praised me for that, can you imagine? Right after that I filed a request for the transfer to SD. I told my superior that I felt that I could be more useful to my country in the position of an agent, establishing a network of spies outside the country, gathering information, spreading disinformation when needed. Anything, but that again. After that day I didn’t want to have anything to do with SS whatsoever. You know, sometimes I still see their faces at night. They just stand there and look at me, not saying anything.”

  “I’m sorry, Heinrich.” Deep in his thoughts, I wasn’t sure that he heard me.

  “I left for Paris after a couple of weeks and finally could breathe freely again. I wasn’t an officer anymore, just a regular German clerk living in a beautiful apartment with his wife and working for an embassy. Well, at least according to my legend. It was so peaceful there, so… I don’t know, carefree. I felt the contrast with my own country every time I visited it to make my reports. The grip of the Nazi Party was tightening on the neck of the nation. And I realized that it wasn’t the Party I wanted to be a part of anymore. Thanks to my already well-established contacts, I easily found an informan
t working for the Americans and asked him to put me in contact with his superiors. At first they were suspicious of course, and for at least a year they watched me very closely, thinking that I was sent by the Germans. But after my ‘trial’ period had finished and they knew that they could trust me, our relationship greatly improved. The problem was that when my wife found out, she thought that it was the most reckless idea I could come up with and decided to shoot me in order to save her life. You understand that if the Nazi Party had found out that she knew and didn’t inform them, she would have been executed too. So she left me no choice.”

  “So that’s what really happened…”

  “Yes, that’s what really happened.”

  “Aren’t you putting yourself in danger by telling me?”

  “Weren’t you putting yourself in danger by telling me that you were Jewish?”

  I was expecting him to smile, but he didn’t. We both were too tired to smile.

  “I knew I could trust you.”

  “And I know that I can trust you too. But that’s the first and the last time we speak about my work. If I tell you any details and if God forbid by some accident someone happens to interrogate you, we’re both dead. The only reason I told you all this was because I couldn’t tolerate the thought that my own wife would be hating me my whole life for something I am not. I just wanted you to know that I’m on your side.”

  Now it all made perfect sense. The acceptance of my origin, helping Dr. Kramer, even agreeing to participate in a Jewish wedding. He really wasn’t a Nazi after all. He was against them. But there was one thing left that was still confusing me.

  “What about the Jewish family who lived here then?”

  “They’re all fine and living in Britain.”

  “How did you… how do you know?”

  “That’s part of the job I’m doing with the Americans, and sometimes with the British. We try to help as many Jews as we can to escape the persecution and the deportation to the camps. That was the reason I accepted the position in the main SD office here, in Berlin. I have easy access to all the lists, documents, stamps, passes, everything. It’s risky of course, but why not stamp a couple of passports in my lunchtime when nobody sees it? And another family is able to cross the border. I know it’s just a drop in the ocean, but still something.”

  “It’s not a drop in the ocean, Heinrich! You’re saving their lives! Maybe it’s just one family, but think about that, they get to live. For them it’s everything!”

  I couldn’t express how proud I was of my husband, humbly standing by the window and apologizing that he could only do so little. I was so proud I married this man. I came up to him, hugged him tight and said, “I can’t tell you how much your words mean to me. I love you even more now if it’s possible of course!”

  Heinrich just stood there, gently stroking my hair.

  “Don’t think of me as a good man. For the most part I still have to pretend to be a faithful Nazi and do the dirty job they expect from me. I save ten people and send two hundred to death just by signing an order. I’m still a murderer, Annalise. Not willingly, but I still am.”

  “It’s not you, it’s Hitler. It’s all his fault.”

  He nodded, but still wasn’t convinced by my words.

  “When I’d just started my negotiations with the US Secret Service, they asked me, well, if you don’t like the Nazi Party so much, why don’t you just quit? If you’re against their racist politics, don’t like killing people and don’t want anything to do with the Nazi regime, why not emigrate to another country? You don’t understand, I told them, you can’t just quit the Nazi Party, it’s not a job. They’re very unforgiving and if they suspect you of treason, your whole family will be sent to the camps, even though they didn’t do anything. You always have a choice, they told me. But we don’t have a choice. Not under this regime.”

  “Heinrich, I want to help you.”

  “Help me with what?” He seemed confused by my words.

  “With whatever you do. I can contact people for you. I can bring you their passports. I have a lot of Jewish people I know from the area who could use our help—”

  He interrupted me with the stern voice he only used with his subordinates.

  “No. Absolutely not. Forget about it.”

  “But why not? I know I can be useful, so why don’t you want to give me a chance?”

  “You’re not being in any way involved with it, and that’s the end of it. I’m not going to allow you put your life in such danger. End of discussion.”

  “But you’re putting your life in danger every day, aren’t you? What makes me any different?”

  “You’re a woman. And my wife. I will not allow that.”

  “And you’re my husband. Don’t you know how much I’ll be worrying every single day when you leave for work now? I don’t want you to risk your life either, but I know why you’re doing this and I understand that. So why can’t you understand how important it is for me to know that I did at least something, a tiny thing that helped to save my fellow Jews’ lives? Why are you robbing me of this opportunity? Because of the selfish desire to know that I’m safe and sound at home while somebody else’s wife is being shot at in the street? Right in the open? Have you thought of that?”

  Heinrich was looking at me without saying a word for a couple of minutes. Then he finally said, “You just came back from the Gestapo jail. You’re lucky to be alive. Don’t you understand that you would be taking a risk and may go there again?”

  I shook my head.

  “It’s not about me anymore, Heinrich. You showed me that I can do something good. I have a purpose in life now, and I’ll be forever grateful to you for that. Just please, let me help.”

  “All right.” He gave up after another long pause. “I won’t be giving you any serious tasks of course, maybe you’ll deliver a message to one of my connections once in a while, you won’t even know what it means anyway. But you have to remember once and for all, it’s not a game, it’s an intelligence war. So you’ll have to do exactly what I tell you and when I tell you, no questions asked. Like in the army. One slip and the whole scheme will crash like a house of cards, and we’ll be the ones buried under it. Got it?”

  “Jawohl, Herr Standartenführer!”

  Heinrich just rolled his eyes at me and went to the bathroom to wash up. Extremely exhausted, but happy, I crashed on the bed right in my dress, and the second my head touched the pillow, I fell into a deep sleep with no dreams.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Berlin, April 1939

  * * *

  The war started. The war without a single gunshot. The war declared by the Reich on the rest of the world. The scariest part was that the world didn’t seem to be willing to put up a fight, and just decided to meet all the demands of the Führer to evade the possible bloodshed. Our army was moving farther and farther East, now occupying the remaining part of Bohemia, Moravia and Czechoslovakia. Everybody knew that Poland was next.

  I looked in the mirror for the last time before leaving the house. I needed to make sure that I looked perfect, and not just perfect, but stunning. Just in case I put on another coat of red lipstick, sprayed more perfume on my neck and, satisfied by the girl’s look in the mirror, went outside. The weather was just perfect, not too hot and not too cold, so wearing a coat with a fox collar wouldn’t look too suspicious today. And that coat was the most important part of my clothing this morning.

  Enjoying the beautiful day, I walked to the nearest bus stop, not too fast and not too slow, the way a normal housewife with no cares in the world, would do. And I needed to look very normal not to cause anybody’s suspicion. When the bus arrived, I smiled at the officer who helped me climb the steps and sat next to a window without looking at anybody. By now I already knew the routine very well: don’t make any unnecessary small talk, don’t look at anybody, but don’t look away either if someone tries to talk to you. Be polite, but distant.

  I got off at my stop an
d strolled down the alley to the nearest market. Nodding to the greetings of the sellers, I walked straight to the meat section of the market. The butcher immediately recognized me and gave me his wide and almost toothless smile.

  “Good morning, Frau Friedmann! Great to see again! The usual?”

  “Good morning, Klaus. Yes, the usual. Last time I brought too much and half of it had gone bad. I’ll have to stop by more often I guess, to keep the meat fresh.”

  I smiled at the butcher, who was bigger than the dead cow behind his back. I’d become his regular customer by now and even though I was only buying tripe and bones, I was always leaving him a very good tip almost the same amount as I would have paid for a good cut of meat. Needless to say, he was more than happy to serve me without questions asked.

  After the easiest part was over, I needed to proceed with what I came here for, and that was the riskiest part. I started walking back to the entrance of the market, but this time keeping close to the houses to my left. After a quick look around and making sure that no one was following me, I quickly sneaked into a narrow side street in between the two houses and made my way all the way through the inner yard, then across the street, then to another side street and right to the already familiar house. After I knocked on the door, it opened almost immediately – he knew that I was always coming at the same time.

  “Good morning. Otto’s wife sent me, she says you sell Belgian lace.”