by R. C. Martin
“Is there something in particular you needed, mom? I really should be getting back to work if I want to finish this project before I leave.”
“No,” she replied reluctantly. “There’s nothing else. I just wanted to check on you. I love you.”
“You too, mom.”
“Tell Teddy I said happy Thanksgiving?”
“Sure. Tell Sam I said the same.”
“Will do.”
We said our farewells and I hung up, my redhead at the forefront of my mind. I allowed myself to imagine the inevitable future that seemed to already exist beyond our reach. I pictured us at Christmas—my mother and Samuel insisting we join them for the occasion. I wondered what my mother would think of her then, not for my sake but for Teddy’s.
I knew the consequences of keeping her at arm’s length, as she phrased it. Yet, while it was the image of her standing in her kitchen with her cheeks streaked with tears that haunted me, the reality was—I knew in my own conscience she was right. I knew she was right before she even said the words. There was no leaving her behind any longer. She belonged to me. Somehow, I let that happen. Somehow, I depended on that truth.
I had chosen the reality in which we existed. More than that, I had chosen the future which came with the decision. What we had was a consequence tied to my belief that she was different; that if I didn’t have her, I would never know the likes of her in any capacity. I couldn’t stop choosing her. Against everything I believed about romance and love—pleasure and desire—I couldn’t stop choosing her.
Our future was decided. Thanksgiving. Christmas. New Years and beyond—so long as I was her choice, I would remain her fool.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Theodora sank further into the corner of the couch as she watched Judah stand with Andrew and help carry their empty dessert plates to the kitchen. Her eyes followed him out of the room unabashedly. She hardly heard the words of the conversation being held around her as she smiled down at her lap. It made her incandescently happy to see Judah interact with her family and friends as if he was one of them. All day he had been a part of her annual Thanksgiving traditions. With every conversation shared and dish collected or washed, she thought she was falling in love with him all over again.
“Earth to Freckles,” said Geoffrey, his tone coated in amusement as he playfully tugged at a chunk of Theodora’s hair.
“Hmm?” she hummed, looking beside her. She adjusted her head, glancing further up when she noticed her best friend was perched on the arm of the sofa right next to her. “What?”
“I asked if we were still on for tomorrow evening?”
Theodora smiled as she reached for his hand. “Of course. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
Geoffrey quirked an eyebrow at her and inquired, “Should I make enough pasta for three?”
She bit her lip before she replied, “I think I can pull myself away from my boyfriend long enough to put up a Christmas tree. It’s our thing. Besides, after today, he might want a break from all my traditions.”
“Sounds good,” he said with a wink.
“Christmas tree? Mommy, are we going to put up our Christmas tree tomorrow?” asked Steven as he scrambled up into Carrie’s lap.
She ran her fingers through his hair affectionately. “We’ll see, sweetie. It’s been a busy day. We might need to rest tomorrow and put the tree up Saturday.”
“Ah, man,” he whined, his body slumping in disappointment.
Carrie chuckled and then patted the side of his leg. “Come on. It’s time for you to brush your teeth and get into your pjs. Say goodnight to Uncle Geoff and Teddy.”
Reluctantly, Steven slid out of his mother’s lap and came to say goodbye. He barely looked at either of them, clearly unhappy to be dismissed from the room. This made Theodora laugh. When he wrapped his arms around her in a lame embrace, she squeezed him extra hard and tickled his side. His amusement couldn’t be helped, and he squirmed out of her hold before hurrying for the stairs.
“I’ll be up in a minute, Stevie,” called out Carrie.
No sooner had she said the words than Judah and Andrew returned into the living room. One look at Judah and Theodora felt ready for bed herself. Her day had been nearly perfect, and there was only one thing she thought would make it complete.
She stood from the couch before he could return to his seat. Wrapping her hand around his, she murmured, “Ready?”
“If you are,” he replied as he gave her hand a gentle squeeze.
Theodora nodded and then began to dole out farewells. The night was a bitter cold one. While the snow from a couple days prior had all but melted, the temperature that came with nightfall could be felt down to the bone. Theodora and Judah hurried to the Mercedes. He gave the vehicle a second to warm up and then started for his home.
“Did you have a good day?” asked Theodora hopefully.
“Yes. You?”
Reaching over to slip her hand over his thigh, she declared, “The best.”
Neither of them spoke as they made their way through town toward their final destination, but it was a comfortable sort of silence. When they arrived at Judah’s house, Theodora hurried into the warmth of the indoors with only one thing on her mind. She stripped out of her coat and went to the coat closet to hang it, Judah right on her heels. When he moved to shut the door, she tugged at his sweater and took a step closer to him.
“Jude?” she asked, staring up into his eyes.
“Teddy?”
Her heart raced as she thought of the words she intended to say. All day, she felt closer to the man in front of her than she ever had before. Now that they were alone, she wanted more. She wanted all of him.
Pressing up onto her tiptoes, she whispered, “Make love to me.”
Judah leaned down slightly, as if he meant to kiss her, but then did no such thing. He gathered her into his arms and hooked her legs into the crook of his elbow as he brought her to his chest. She giggled in excitement, holding him around his shoulders as he carried her to his bedroom. He laid her across the bed and then proceeded to undress her—slowly and deliberately. When she was completely naked, he stepped back and leisurely made his way out of his own clothing. Theodora watched his every move, anxious for what would come next.
After he rid his body of his underwear, he began to rid the bed of its extra adornments. Theodora was quick to help, turning down the sheets before reclining against the pillows and reaching for Judah. He took her hand but didn’t lower himself on top of her like she anticipated. Instead, he kissed his way down her arm and then across her chest, latching his mouth around one of her nipples. She felt her arousal as it intensified with his ministrations, and it made her almost breathless.
He nibbled and licked, then sucked and caressed one breast until he was satisfied and moved on to the other. By the time he was finished, the ache Theodora felt between her legs was undeniable. When Judah began to drag his mouth down her belly—kissing and tasting along the way—Theodora panted in desperation. The instant he swept his tongue across her sex, she shuddered in both relief and longing. He devoured her languorously, bringing her to the brink of orgasm but no further. She whimpered in frustration when he lifted his head, but then moaned unabashedly when he finally filled her with his hardened length.
Fully immersed in her center, he lowered his mouth to meet hers. Theodora was quick to press into his kiss, holding onto either side of his face as she thrust her tongue between his lips. He kissed her thoroughly, filling her belly with butterflies before he began to roll his hips. They both freed a moan with the act, and Theodora slid her hands from his face, down his chest, and around his sides. When he broke away from their kiss, he kept his mouth close to hers. They each inhaled each other’s exhales as he took her slowly—slower than he’d ever taken her before.
He was so gentle, she could hardly stand it. When he looked into her eyes, she thought she could cry. She felt so much. It was perfect. It was everything. He was everything in tha
t moment—and she never wanted it to end. She stared at him, clinging to him as she surrendered completely. Theodora grew even more aroused the longer they were united, and it was as if she was pouring herself out for him. All of her was his, and she wanted him to have as much as she had to give.
She hitched her legs up, pressing her knees into his hips when she felt her first orgasm begin to blossom within her. When she came, Judah groaned softly, his thrusts coming even slower. He rolled his hips dramatically, grazing her swollen clit with his pelvis with every return. Theodora was barely finished with her first climax when a second barreled through her. She cried out, circling her legs around him completely, and he licked her lips as he continued to stare down at her. Judah grunted and jerked his hips harder, yet still managed to keep his slow, steady pace.
When Theodora came for a third time, she sobbed as her body trembled uncontrollably. It was then that Judah finally lost control. Pressing his forehead to hers, he thrust into her sporadically. He freed a long groan when he reached his own climax and filled her with his seed.
They were both breathless, their bodies covered in a thin layer of sweat; still, Theodora clung to him, not wishing to lose their connection. Speaking through her tears, she said, “I love you. I love you so much.” Before he could say a word in reply, she pleaded, “Tell me you love me, too.”
Judah’s head gave a small jerk backwards, like her words had startled him. “Tell me you love me tomorrow,” he said.
“I’ll love you always.”
He kissed her in response, but it wasn’t enough.
“Judah,” she whimpered, her heart overflowing. “Tell me you love me, baby.”
He touched his forehead to hers as he breathed out a sigh, then rolled off of her and onto his back. The loss of him from inside of her, accompanied by the chill she felt as he took his body heat with him, startled her so much she gasped.
“Jude?”
“What, Teddy?”
Turning on her side, she reached for his hand. She then laced her fingers through his and begged, “Please? Just say it. I know you feel it. I know you do.”
He gave her fingers a squeeze as he frowned at her. “I choose you, sweetheart.”
“Why won’t you say it?”
“Teddy, I don’t fall in love.”
“That’s not true,” she insisted tearfully. “I know that’s not true.”
Sitting up, he let go of her hand and ran his fingers through his hair. “I’ve told you from the beginning. This is who I am.”
This time, when a sob clawed its way out of her throat, it wasn’t ecstasy she felt, but pain. She sat up with him, wrapping her arms around his waist as she pressed her lips against his shoulder. “People change. You’ve changed. How can you tell me—how can you tell me after you’ve made love to me that it’s not who you are? It is.”
“Baby, I don’t know what you want me to say. I’m right here. I’m in this with you. Have I not proven that?”
“Tell me you love me,” she whispered.
“Teddy—”
“Tell me you love me,” she repeated. “Please.”
“Sweetheart, I choose you—is that not enough?”
It was a question she had asked herself before. Not just once, but a hundred times. Yet, as the question passed through Judah’s lips, it felt different. Her answer wasn’t unsure—it was definite. The truth shot through her like a dagger, and she could hardly breathe as the reality of it ravaged her heart.
“Will you—will you ever love me?” she sobbed.
“Theodora,” Judah murmured, reaching up to wipe away her tears.
It was all he said. As gentle as his touch was, it wasn’t enough, and it broke her heart.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
When she pulled away from me and climbed out of bed, my chest burned with an emotion I couldn’t identify. My heart began to race when she started putting on her clothes. I could hardly make sense of what was happening. I was just inside of her. Minutes before, she was beneath me, crying with the most intense pleasure I had ever given her. In a second, that all seemed to go to shit—and I couldn’t figure out how.
“Teddy, what are you doing?”
“I need to go home,” she whimpered, not bothering to look in my direction.
“What?”
“I have to go. I can’t—I can’t stay here.”
As if my body had caught on to a truth my brain was still trying to accept, I got out of bed and reached for my pants. Stepping into them, I declared, “Teddy, you’re being ridiculous. You’re not going anywhere.”
“Don’t call me ridiculous!” she cried. Her tone stopped me dead in my tracks. “If you don’t love me—if you won’t love me—then you don’t choose me, and I’m in this by myself. I can’t do that. I thought I could, but I can’t. I can’t!”
She turned away from me then, hurrying out of my bedroom. I spit a curse as I plucked my sweater off the floor and went after her.
“Your car’s not even here,” I mumbled as I fumbled with my garment. “Teddy, stop.”
“I’ll call an Uber or walk or something,” she answered as she donned her coat.
“It’s fucking freezing outside,” I retorted, my voice louder than I could control.
“I have to go home,” she insisted.
“Fine. Fine. Fuck. I’ll take you home.”
“No. You don’t have to. I’ll be fine.”
She headed for the door, and I stifled a grunt as I reached for her arm and pulled her toward me. “Damnit, Teddy—I’m not letting you walk. Just get in the fucking car.”
She stared at me for a long moment, hiccupping on her tears before she gently extracted her arm from my grasp and headed for the garage. I watched her go, feeling short of breath. Still unsure how we had arrived at such a juncture, I couldn’t move until I heard her command the garage door open. Muttering another curse, I closed my pants and returned to the bedroom for my shoes. I didn’t bother with socks, too out of sorts to care. However, on my way out, when I spotted her overnight bag where she always left it, I felt a surge of anger course through me. I then grabbed it and joined her in the Mercedes.
Neither of us said a word the entire trip. She cried the whole way, and I tried to find the words to say—but I had none. What she wanted from me, I couldn’t give her. I had given her all I knew to give. The love she was after, it meant little to me. My choice was worth more, and yet she believed it not enough. I didn’t know what to do with that—how to change that. Even more, I couldn’t change who I was in order to be who she thought she needed. Above all else, that seemed like the most foolish decision one could make. And yet to lose her was not my choice.
When I pulled into a parking spot just in front of her building, she didn’t hesitate before she started to open her door. Instinctively, I reached for her, grabbing hold of her thigh in an effort to stop her.
“Teddy—don’t do this.”
“You think love is a choice,” she began, her voice so soft I had to strain to make out her words. “It’s not. I love you. I love you so much, sometimes I feel like I might break under the weight of it. And I’ll love you tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that.” Her voice cracked and she shook her head as she sucked in a breath. “You keep telling me you choose me—but you don’t. You’re choosing yourself. You’re choosing not to love me. And I—I can’t wait around forever, hoping you’ll change your mind. I wish I could, but I know I can’t. It’ll only hurt me more.”
Without another word or a backwards glance, she climbed down out of her seat and slammed the door behind her. I watched as she raced up the stairs to her unit. I watched until I couldn’t see her anymore—and then I felt it. I felt the ache of her absence as it burned through me, and I understood she was gone.
Chapter Forty
Theodora cried for half the night. When her tears stopped, she felt catatonic from the shock of what happened. She laid in the middle of her bed, curled up beneath her covers, in the c
lothes she wore Thanksgiving Day. Sleep evaded her as her mind turned in slow circles. Over and over she asked herself if she made a mistake. As the hours passed and she heard nothing from Judah, she couldn’t be sure. Along with her mounting uncertainty came an ache in her chest, which made it difficult for her to breathe.
She couldn’t be sure when sleep finally coaxed her into a merciful state of mind; but when she woke, she knew she hadn’t been asleep for long enough. More exhausted than she was before she closed her eyes, Theodora forced herself into a seated position. Her head was pounding, and her eyes felt swollen and raw. She contemplated getting out of bed in order to consume a glass of water and a pain pill, but then her mind filled with memories of Judah. She remembered the last time he’d been in her apartment, and the argument they had in her kitchen. She remembered the way he cleaved to her when words seemed not to be enough, and then she recalled their previous evening.
Carelessly dropping back down onto her pillow, Theodora sobbed as she replayed all of it. The tender way he made love to her. The height of their shared passion, and the expression on his face when he surrendered to his pleasure. Then she played back the moment he rolled away from her. The words he wouldn’t say, and the look on his face before she decided she couldn’t stay.
Her sorrow robbed her of her appetite. In the pit of her stomach, she felt more sick than hungry. She didn’t plan for their holiday to end the way it did. She hadn’t foreseen the events that left her gutted and alone. Furthermore, she wasn’t aware she was capable of walking away from the man she loved in the manner in which she did. It wasn’t what she wanted, and yet she couldn’t take it back.
All afternoon, she clung to her phone, hoping to hear from Judah. With every hour that passed, the silence seemed to grow more unbearable. When her phone finally did alert her to an incoming message, she felt ashamed at the depths of her disappointment when she saw it was from Geoffrey.
