The Fraud

by H. Claire Taylor

  Flashing a fake smile to Yurway Kupkal, he turned to Notmie. “Isn’t that right, Notmie? It won’t happen again?”

  Notmie nodded his head, though he was still shocked that his plan hadn’t worked.

  Lightbulb!

  Notmie was struck with a brilliant idea that might just get them out of this mess. Golly, I’m so smart… and beautiful.

  He turned to the shopkeeper, leaned on the counter, and mustered in his slickest voice. “I apologize for my outburst. You seem to keep a really nice little shop here. I was wondering if you might show me your heaviest bottle in the store…” And he winked. He’d meant to wink at Captain Alex to assure him that things were under control now, but he messed up, winking at Yurway Kupkal instead. Yurway Kupkal, however, seemed to merely regarded the wink as assurance that his store was the finest in the land.

  Even though eunuchs aren’t affected by unearthly beauty like most everyone else, Yurway Kupkal was clearly flattered by the compliment of his shop-keeping skills and agreed to show Notmie without sparing a thought for the oddity of the request. The shopkeeper led the way and Notmie followed, but Captain Alex remained at the counter.

  The Captain watched the two disappear between the aisles, heard a thud, and then moments later Notmie emerged from behind a shelf with a grin spread across his face.

  “It is done.”

  “He’s dead?” Captain Alex asked incredulously.

  “Yes… well, wait. He’s definitely not moving, I know that for sure, but can people still breathe when they’re dead, because he was definitely still breathing when I left him.”

  “No, you idiot! People can’t breathe when they’re dead! If they could, why would doctors take their pulse to check if they were dead or not?”

  “Take their what now?”

  Captain Alex groaned. “He’s probably only knocked out.”

  Notmie began to panic. “Buh—buh—but I meant to kill him! How did that not work?”

  “You’re just not the killing type, I guess.”

  Notmie decided to take that as a compliment. “So, is this bad? Should I go back and finish the job?”

  Captain Alex waved Notmie off. “No, no, that won’t be necessary. We’ll just have to hurry. Now let’s go get that counter-curse!”

  “Okay, you lead the way, because I forgot where it was. This place gets me all turned around.” Notmie twirled in circles, scratching his head.

  “Yeeaaaah. Now here’s a problem.” Captain Alex chewed his lip. “I don’t remember where the counter-curse was either. This whole place looks exactly the same.” He grabbed a bottle off of a nearby shelf and examined it. “And how come none of these are properly labeled?” He shoved the bottle back onto the shelf, letting out a long, frustrated sigh. “Man, this should be interesting…”

  “I think we’re screwed,” said Notmie, “and I don’t think we have a snowball’s chance in hell of ever finding the right bottle. I’m sure not about to just test random bottles until we find the right one, especially now that I know that he has large amounts of liquefied rat poison at his disposal.”

  “ Had liquefied rat poison,” Captain Alex corrected. “He doesn’t have any at his disposal at this current moment because he’s unconscious. Unconscious people don’t have anything at their disposal until they regain consciousness.”

  Notmie threw his hands onto his hips, frowning. “That’s pretty unrelated to what I’m saying. You can go ahead and try them all if you want, but you’ll most likely end up as a dead person. If you’re okay with being a dead person, then be my guest.” Upon saying, “be my guest,” Notmie was reminded of his sing-a-long in the limo with Melono and couldn’t help but crack a smile. He had a very hard time controlling the urge to break out into Disney songs once again. “You know, Captain Alex, I think we sort of messed ourselves up by knocking the guy… girl… whatever out.”

  “Eunuchs are considered guys.”

  “I think you’re right.”

  “Unlucky guys, but guys nonetheless.”

  There was a moment of silence, before Notmie spoke. “We could wait for him to wake up and try some other way to get the counter-curse.”

  “We can’t wait for him to regain consciousness because then he’ll call the police on us. We’ve pretty much ruined our chances of getting that counter-curse if we can’t find it for ourselves, which we can’t.” Captain Alex looked around the dark store. “Let’s get out of here. There’s no point in staying, so we might as well get back to the limo and figure out what we’re going to do next.”

  Notmie agreed then looked slyly at Captain Alex before yelling, “ Shotgun! ” and darting to the limo.

  Part 6

  Junk in the Trunk

  As soon as Captain Alex got in the driver’s seat, Notmie realized that, once again, he was riding shotgun. Knowing it was his own fault, he cursed at the Captain. Captain Alex then counter-cursed at Notmie.

  “You know, Cap’n, it’s hard to be around someone as smart as you all day long.”

  “And it’s hard to be around someone as idiotic as you all day long.”

  Notmie grinned. “Awe, thanks Cap’n. That means a lot to me.”

  As you might have guessed, he was not by any means actually listening to Captain Alex. He was (as you also might have guessed) preoccupied with his reflection and only half-heard what The Captain said. In Notmie’s mind, the word “idiotic” was replaced with the words “I worship you,” which doesn’t actually make any grammatical sense, but Notmie never was particularly good with grammar.

  “We go now to what where?” asked Notmie.

  Captain Alex stared at Notmie in disbelief. “Think about what you just said for—oh, I don’t know—five seconds? Then, rephrase it using proper English gramma

  ow?” asked Notmie, saying each word slowly to make sure that he didn’t screw up such a simple sentence twice.

  “Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m getting kind of hungry. You want to grab a bite to eat?”

  Now that he thought about it, Notmie realized that his stomach burned like a thousand fires.

  “Uuuuugh,” he groaned.

  Captain Alex figured this was the only way Notmie could express himself as being hungry. As he pulled away from the Counter-Curse Shop, he said, “Okay then, we’ll get some food. What sort of restaurant do you want to eat at?”

  “Restaurant? No, no, no.” Notmie waved off Captain Alex’s suggestion. “I don’t think you realize what happens when I just go romping about in public. That’s practically suicide for me! We can’t just go out and eat.”

  “Well,” Captain Alex began, taken aback by Notmie’s strong reaction, “I don’t know what we’re going to do, because if you think I’m going to eat any of the fast food around here, you’re mistaken. Do you know how many sulfates and carbohydrates and monosodium glutamates are in it? And it doesn’t matter where you eat; all the places are the same. And don’t even get me started on the inhumane ways they go about killing the chickens and cows! I promise you, if you ever just walked through—I’m not exaggerating—if you ever walked through one of those fast food kitchens it would be like”—The Captain snapped—“vegetarian! Not to say I’m a vegetarian, I really enjoy all of God’s animals: fish, chicken, cow, hamster, parrot, sea urchin; you name it, I’ve eaten it…”

  His rant about fast food was actually quite a bit longer than this, but it’s been condensed because, hey, if Notmie didn’t even listen to him, why should you?

  “…In conclusion, for your own safety and well-being, along with that of the rest of the world, fast food shouldn’t even be fed to disgruntled Peruvian llamas.”

  Notmie sighed. “Fine. We’ll go to a restaurant. I just wish there was some way for me to go without people charging after me…”

  The Captain nodded sagely as if he had suddenly understood it all quite simply. “A dress.”

  “Whose address?”

  “Nobody’s a dress.”

  “Then why’d you say ‘ad
dress’? Who am I addressing?”

  “You’re not addressing anyone! I said ‘a dress,’ as in something you wear! I said it in reference to us going out to eat!” Captain Alex was beginning to feel worn out from all the miscommunication.

  “Well, I hardly think this is a formal enough occasion for a dress. Plus, I haven’t got any shoes to match!”

  “Oh, shut up! I mean if you wear a dress, maybe we could pass you off as not unearthly beautiful but… earthly beautiful. Now if only I had some sunglasses and a bowler hat.”

  “Let’s check the trunk!” Notmie suggested.

  Captain Alex pulled over and they got out of the car, walked around to the trunk, and opened it. Nope, there were no sunglasses in there, but there did seem to be a surveillance system complete with headphones and television screens that popped up when the trunk opened.

  “Nope, no dress. I guess we should get back in the car and figure out a plan B.” Notmie grabbed the trunk door to close it.

  Captain Alex pushed Notmie aside before he could shut it.

  “Do you not notice the massive surveillance system we just stumbled upon? I don’t think we’re supposed to see this.”

  The Captain reached forward to begin tinkering with one of the monitors, but Notmie grabbed him by the wrist before he could touch anything.

  “If we’re not supposed to see this, then maybe we should just get back in the car and work on that plan B of ours.”

  Captain Alex wrenched his wrist from Notmie’s firm grasp. “Are you… you’re serious. But that’s so lame. We need to pry. Pry, I say! This could be interesting, perhaps even important!”

  Notmie shook his head. “But we could get in trouble for doing it.”

  “Excuse me, aren’t you unearthly beautiful? Who is going to get mad at you for digging through their trunk? If anything, they’ll want to show you more once they find out about it.”

  Notmie allowed himself a few seconds before responding to Captain Alex’s words. “You’re absolutely right, Cap’n. What was I thinking?” He laughed and began scrounging ravenously through piles of papers for something with bright colors and more pictures than words. “Whoa, this is strange,” he whispered.

  “What is?” Captain Alex craned his neck to see what Notmie held.

  Notmie pulled out a corkboard that had the floor plan of a house tacked up to it and little red and blue thumbtacks stuck in certain locations. There were far more red tacks than blue, and suddenly Notmie recognized this floor plan.

  “This is Melono’s house!”

  “Who the hell names their kid Melono?”

  “My aunt and uncle,” Notmie responded flatly.

  “Wait, this is your cousin’s house?” Captain Alex moved behind Notmie to get a better look over his shoulder.

  Notmie pointed at the floor plans. “Those red tacks must mark where she went this morning, so then those blue tacks must be”—creepiness bumps crawled down Notmie’s back—“me.”

  “Look at all these tapes!” Captain Alex held one up. “Let’s pop this in and see what it is!”

  They did. At first it was static, nothing more, but then it seemed to be filming a bathroom. Notmie recognized this bathroom, but it was from an angle that he’d only seen backwards; it was filming from behind the mirror in Melono’s house. They watched as Notmie entered the room, walked toward the toilet, still in his pajamas, and relieved himself.

  “Hmmm,” Notmie said, “I never knew how I looked from that angle.”

  Notmie watched himself flushed before leaving the bathroom.

  “Sick! You didn’t wash your hands!” Captain Alex inched farther away from Notmie. “If I get sick, I know who to blame now.”

  A few second later, Melono entered and approached the mirror. She stayed in front of it for quite some time doing nothing but looking at her reflection.

  “Runs in the family, eh?” remarked The Captain.

  “That’s my girl!”

  Captain Alex ejected the tape and began rummaging through the rest of the trunk for anything else that might be of interest.

  “What do we have here?” Captain Alex unfolded a large sheet of paper and began examining it with the most curious expression on his face. “Holy crap. How on God’s green earth did this end up here?” He held up the object in his hands for Notmie to see.

  “What the—?” Notmie was genuinely confused. “What the mess is this for? I knew the limo driver was stalking Melono, but I thought it was all in good fun, just like when everyone else does it!”

  The Captain laid out the large sheet of paper in front of them. “Is it just me, or is this starting to get creepy?”

  “No, Cap’n, it’s not just you. Let me see that.”

  Notmie grabbed the drawing and used his finger to trace a path up the elaborately hand-drawn family tree from his name to the very top.

  “Why, I don’t believe it. Captain, that’s Baron at the very top. These are all his descendants. There’s Melono, and there’s… me!”

  This was definitely strange, and Notmie’s mind began to hurt in its attempt to analyze the situation.

  “Notmie, did you ever get to meet this limo driver of yours?”

  “Well”—he thought back to his interaction with the guy—“I had one conversation, but it was in French, and to be quite honest, I was never any good at that language. I didn’t even take any classes!”

  “French, eh?” Captain Alex clenched a fist menacingly in mid-air. “Those damned French limo drivers!” He shook his fist at the thought of it. “But at least we know to watch out for anyone who’s French now. Step one is identifying your enemies.”

  “Step one of what? What’s step two?” asked Notmie.

  Captain Alex paused for a dramatic effect with his fist still gesturing in the air. “Step one to staying alive.”

  “O-K,” Notmie said slowly. “I guess that’s a good thing to know the steps to. So, what’s step two?”

  “Don’t rush me! I’ll let you know when it comes to it.”

  “But that doesn’t make any sense! Shouldn’t I know what step two is before I have to use it?”

  “Who’s the teacher here?” From The Captain’s tone, Notmie could only assume The Captain meant himself.

  “I didn’t know there was a teacher here. I thought you were just a guy I accidentally hit with a French limo I stole.”

  “Well, officially, yes, that’s my position, but unofficially I’m your teacher.” Followed by, “Step two: don’t question the authenticity of your teacher.”

  “Gotcha!” Notmie repeated step two over and over in his head before saying, “So, teacher-man, what do you think this all means?”

  “Step three, don’t interrupt your teacher’s thinking or try to hurry him in any way, shape, or form. And this step is punishable by death.”

  “Captain Alex! You can’t just keep telling me all these rules at once or I’ll never remember them. Plus, I know you’re just making them up.”

  He was only halfway sure that Captain Alex was making them up.

  “Fine, we’ll hold off on the rules for a while. And to answer your question, I think there might be some connection between your family tree and Franch, but I can’t be sure. Those French almost always have some sort of involvement with family trees.” At this, Captain Alex shook his fist again. “I’ve often wondered why this is, but I think it’s one of those mysteries of the universe. Maybe it’s got something to do with the water in Franch.”

  “Don’t you mean France?” Notmie asked shyly, unsure whether it was a good idea to question his teacher, or whether that action was against one of the rules he’d not yet been told.

  “Now why would it be ‘France’ if the people from there are called ‘French’? That makes no sense! They would be called ‘Frence’ if that were the case, and quite honestly, I’ve never heard the word ‘Frence’ before. You see my logic? If they’re called ‘French’, they most definitely have to be from Franch. But you shouldn’t feel ashamed, Notmie.
Sometimes I mess up words too.” Captain Alex patted Notmie patronizingly on his head.

  The non-violent physical contact between the two made it suddenly awkward, so they stared meaninglessly into the trunk and avoided eye contact with each other.

  The silence was finally broken by Notmie. “So, why would someone want to track my family t—uuugh.”

  “Yeah, I agree, let’s get some food.”

  “But we still don’t have a dress or a bowler hat,” Notmie whined.

  “Well, I think my cape might have super camouflaging properties. You could try wearing it over your face when we eat.”

  “I guess it’s worth a try, ’cause I’m hungey! ”

  “Fine, get in the car.”

  “ Shotgun! ”

  They buckled their seat belts as Notmie hollered, “Dammit! Not again!”

  Captain Alex ignored Notmie’s swearing, because something else was suddenly preoccupying his thoughts.

  Was he actually going to go though with letting Notmie wear his cape? The mere thought of it seemed ludicrous! He would feel naked without it, plus, he’d only known Notmie for a few hours. Why should he trust him with something so valuable? Notmie was one of the dumbest people he’d ever met. No, it was settled; Notmie would just have to find some other way to deal with the public attention because he wasn’t getting the cape.

  All this thinking gave Captain Alex a great idea. Two birds with one stone!

  “Hey, Notmie! Let’s go eat at this little French café I know! Maybe we can catch wind of something associated with this crazy limo! French people love to sit around at French cafés! We can also get some good food there. I swear the food there tastes like it’s fresh out of Franch!”

  “Great idea, Captain Alex!”

  Then, as an afterthought, The Captain added, “But it’s a little ways out. It’ll probably take about forty-five minutes with all this traffic.”

  “That’s not too bad, plus, we can get to know one another more. I hardly know a lick about you besides the fact that over a hundred years ago our grandpas ran into each other and had a brief conversation.” He paused. “Considering all that, it seems kind of silly that I’ve trusted a complete stranger all day long! Haha!