The Best Thing You Can Steal

by Simon R. Green

  Angelo smiled. ‘Questions you never thought you’d hear yourself asking. Rossini turned to old friends, specialists in forbidden knowledge. He brought my body to them and explained the situation. And they used my own powers to turn me into a prophet and a seer – a viewing device for history. Not dead, not alive … trapped in a box, watching a world I could never be a part of again. I like to think they didn’t really understand what they were doing.

  ‘Rossini said he would present this marvellous new piece of Vatican technology to the world’s media and use it to distract them from the sudden disappearance of a living saint. But by then the Cardinal was so traumatized he wasn’t thinking clearly. He made such a mess of his presentation that no one believed him. The Vatican quickly cancelled his planned demonstration to avoid further embarrassment, and Rossini was sent somewhere distant and secure. His friends kept their heads down and their mouths shut, and hoped not to be noticed. And I was hidden away in the Holy City’s very own Vault of Forbidden Things.’

  He smiled reflectively. ‘You’d be amazed at what they have in there. Makes this place look like a carnival sideshow. I had some very interesting conversations with some of my fellow incarcerated inconveniences.’

  ‘And then the original Gideon Sable broke in, because he could get into anywhere,’ I said. ‘He stole the television and sold it to Hammer, so he could use it as a Trojan Horse to get into this vault.’

  ‘Not a technological breakthrough, after all,’ said Lex. ‘Just the head of a man who was almost a saint, reduced to a collectible.’

  ‘But I still had hope,’ said Angelo. ‘I knew you were coming.’

  ‘Is there some way we can set you free?’ I said.

  ‘Of course,’ said Angelo. ‘Kill me.’

  ‘You can’t ask that of us,’ I said. ‘We’re thieves, not killers.’

  Annie looked at me. ‘Gideon, please. We can’t leave him like this.’

  I sighed and nodded slowly. ‘Of course we can’t. That would be cruel. But … how can we kill you, Angelo? I mean, if being stabbed through the heart and having your head cut off didn’t do it …’

  ‘I could crush his head with my armoured hands,’ said Lex.

  ‘Unfortunately, I am protected by my own powers,’ said Angelo. ‘The men who built this set made sure nothing could destroy me – not even someone like you. Perhaps especially someone like you. They wanted me to go on being useful to the Church for ever. My punishment – for not being the kind of man they thought I should be.’

  ‘There’s always a way,’ I said steadily. ‘If you have the right toys. Like a skeleton key that can unlock anything.’

  ‘I knew you’d get there eventually,’ said Angelo.

  We all took a moment to say goodbye to him, and then I used the key to unlock his protections, and Lex used his hands of light and darkness to crush the head with one convulsive movement. It was all over very quickly.

  ‘Is he really dead now?’ Annie said quietly.

  ‘I can’t see his spirit anywhere,’ said the Ghost.

  Lex looked at the crushed mess in his hands and let it drop to the floor. The armour disappeared from his hands, as though ashamed of what it had been used for.

  ‘I thought there would be blood,’ he said. ‘I think it might have been easier if there had been blood. I’m used to having blood on these hands.’

  ‘You gave him a gift you’ve never known, Lex,’ said Johnny. ‘Peace, at last.’

  ‘OK …’ I said. ‘This heist is now officially over. We’ve destroyed Hammer’s most precious possession, so let’s settle for that. Grab anything you like the look of, and then we’re out of here.’

  Lex looked at me sharply. ‘You promised me the immortality drug.’

  ‘I only came here to find something that could put an end to me,’ said the Ghost.

  ‘And I still need to find something to help control my gift,’ said Annie.

  ‘Actually,’ said Johnny. ‘I just came along for the ride. It’s been such fun!’

  ‘I can’t do everything for you!’ I said. ‘Look around! If you can’t find what you want, find something you’ll settle for.’

  Lex grabbed me by the throat with one hand and lifted me into the air. My feet kicked helplessly as I fought for air. Lex pushed his face right into mine.

  ‘There never was a Santa Clara Formulation, was there?’

  ‘Possibly not,’ I said.

  Annie moved in beside Lex, although she had enough sense not to try to touch him. ‘Please, put him down.’

  ‘Why?’ said Lex.

  ‘Because I’m asking you to.’

  ‘He’ll cheat you just like he cheated me.’

  ‘He got us this far,’ said Annie.

  ‘Check the freezer,’ I said, forcing the words out. ‘Might be something else in there that you could use.’

  Lex thought about it, and then threw me to one side and went back to the freezer. Annie helped me to my feet.

  ‘I did warn you …’

  ‘So you did,’ I said hoarsely. ‘I must learn to keep more of a distance from that man. But who knows, maybe he’ll find something better than the formula.’

  ‘Better than immortality?’ said Annie. ‘You really are an optimist.’

  She turned away and reached out with her gift, and strange machines turned themselves on and off all across the vault – showing what they could do, in hope of pleasing her. Some vanished from one shelf and reappeared on another. Some turned themselves into other things. A few even opened fire on each other for hogging Annie’s attention. Several sang her a very sweet love song, in pleasant harmonies, until she shouted at them to stop. After that, it was very quiet in the vault.

  The Ghost wandered here and there, walking in and out of things, shaking his head sadly. ‘I was sure Hammer would have something to kill a ghost. He’s killed so many things …’

  Johnny picked up the odd item here and there, muttered, “Pretty” or “Interesting” and then put them down again.

  I checked the list I’d made from Sable’s journal and moved quickly back and forth, picking up half a dozen useful items. They were all exactly where the journal said they’d be. One in particular made me smile. I just knew it was going to come in handy.

  And that was when Fredric Hammer came storming into the vault, along with a dozen heavily armed guards.

  ACT FOUR

  End Game

  THIRTEEN

  The Unexpected

  Really

  We all spun round, startled, as Hammer made his entrance. He took a good look at us, down the long open passageway that connected us to the vault door, and then smiled mockingly. The straight passage threw me for a moment. I was sure we’d taken all kinds of twists and turns to get this far. Someone had changed the world while I wasn’t watching. The others moved in close, to stand with me and stare defiantly back at Hammer.

  His smile broadened, as though he knew what we were thinking. He had to be the one responsible for reworking the vault’s interior, which suggested he’d changed our surroundings because he knew we were in here. While I was still trying to get my head round that, Lex took a step forward. I spoke to him quickly, without taking my eyes off Hammer.

  ‘You stay right where you are, Lex. We’re in no immediate danger. The guards won’t dare open fire on us, for fear of hitting the collection.’

  ‘That didn’t stop them at the auction,’ said Lex.

  ‘That was just stuff he wanted to be rid of. Everything in this vault is the pride of Hammer’s collection.’

  ‘What if they come in here after us?’ said Annie.

  ‘Then we disappear into the maze of tunnels, split up and take them down in an ambush.’

  ‘He’s being optimistic again,’ said Johnny.

  Hammer raised a hand and snapped his fingers imperiously. And just like that, all the stacks lining the narrow path just vanished. Nothing stood between us and the very heavily armed guards apart from a whole lot of empty spac
e. I gestured urgently for everyone to stand still, but I needn’t have bothered. They were all rooted to the spot by shock and surprise. Hammer gestured lazily and his guards fanned out, making sure they could cover all of us with their guns, while still blocking the only way out of the vault. I glanced at the passageways behind us, but you can’t hide in a maze if someone can make it all disappear with a snap of their fingers.

  If I hadn’t had my plan to cling on to, I think I might have been a bit worried.

  Fredric Hammer smiled genially at all of us. He looked exactly as he had in Judi Rifkin’s old photo: a handsome, casually dressed man in his mid-twenties. I wondered fleetingly if that was down to the immortality drug or a really special portrait in his attic. Of course, if Hammer had owned a portrait like that, he would have flaunted it as part of his collection. It’s funny the directions your mind can run off in when you’re hanging on to your self-control by your fingernails.

  Hammer’s smile disappeared as he realized for the first time that we all had some of his possessions in our hands.

  ‘Put those down!’ he said loudly. ‘All of them. Or I’ll have my guards put you down.’

  Lex growled dangerously.

  ‘No, Lex,’ I said sternly. ‘You might have bulletproof armour, but the rest of us don’t. The guards would kill every one of us before you could get anywhere near them.’

  Lex nodded reluctantly and stayed where he was, scowling fiercely at Hammer. I put down what I was holding, slowly and very carefully, and one by one the others did, too. I raised my hands in the air, and so did Annie. Lex, Johnny and the Ghost didn’t. Hammer came striding forward, backed by his guards, and finally stopped a respectful distance away from us. He gestured easily at the open space where his stacks of treasures used to be.

  ‘Don’t worry; I can always bring them back. I’ve gone to a lot of trouble to make sure everything here obeys my will, in all things. Which is, of course, how things should be. Oh, please, put your hands down. It’s not like I’m interested in your surrender.’

  Annie and I did so, while Hammer looked us over, studying each face carefully in turn as though ticking them off against some mental list. When he was done, he nodded familiarly to the Damned.

  ‘Been a while, hasn’t it, Historian? But I always knew we’d get together again. We have so much unfinished business between us. And, of course, you still have something that belongs to me.’

  ‘Go to Hell,’ said Lex.

  ‘No, my dear fellow; that’s where you’re going.’

  He turned away to study Johnny, and for the first time I thought I saw uncertainty in Hammer’s eyes. Perhaps because Johnny was the only one of us who didn’t seem the least bit threatened by the armed guards. He smiled easily at Hammer, who made a point of smiling easily back.

  ‘So, here at last we have the infamous, notorious and entirely unpredictable Wild Card himself. So many adjectives, so little time. Perhaps I should just settle for “annoying”. You’ll make a splendid addition to my collection. One way or another.’

  ‘And they say I’m crazy,’ said Johnny. ‘Which I’m actually not. It’s the world that needs a rewrite.’

  Hammer only glanced at me and Annie, before moving on to smile and wave cheerfully at the Ghost, just to make it clear that he could see him. The Ghost glowered back, not least because Hammer didn’t seem to recognize him.

  Hammer rubbed his hands together briskly and smiled happily on all of us. ‘Congratulations! You are the only people ever to break into my private vault. But I’m afraid I have to tell you … I always knew you were coming. I saw it on my special television set. In fact, it was the first thing I looked for: to see who’d try to take my treasures away from me. And there you were on the screen, appearing in my cavern and making a mess of my defences, infiltrating my museum and making yourselves at home in my vault. I couldn’t change any of that, but I could and did make special preparations for your arrival.’

  He stopped and looked at us hopefully, in case we wanted to tell him how clever he’d been. Once it became clear that wasn’t going to happen, he pressed on.

  ‘I enjoyed watching you dart back and forth in my house, using all the rooms and corridors I carefully left empty. Avoiding the guards who’d been ordered to avoid you. Apart from that idiot on a cigarette break, and I’ll deal with him later. Set him on fire, perhaps; that seems appropriate. We all had a great time, watching you run your little maze for no reason. The hard part was to keep from giggling.’

  The original Sable saw the empty rooms and corridors on his television, but he never knew why they were empty. I had to wonder what else he might have misinterpreted.

  ‘That’s why no one appeared to hear anything that happened outside,’ I said. ‘I should have realized; it was because you already knew what was going to happen.’

  ‘I’m actually grateful to you for demonstrating the gaps in my defences,’ said Hammer. ‘Which I will put right, as soon as I’m finished here.’

  ‘Why didn’t you just change your defences and stop us getting in?’ said Annie.

  ‘Because I’d seen what you were going to do, I knew how to ambush you in the vault,’ said Hammer. ‘I didn’t want to do anything that might change that.’

  ‘I’d like to say something witty and insightful here, about cause and effect,’ said Johnny. ‘But it’s not as if those gentlemen and I have ever been on speaking terms.’

  ‘The Wild Card,’ Hammer said admiringly. ‘The joker in the pack, who changes all the rules because he doesn’t believe there are any. I never could see beyond this point, on the television. It always shut down the moment you entered the vault. But I get it now … Having you around confuses the hell out of Space and Time. Even my special television couldn’t cope with that.’ He stopped and looked around. ‘Where is it, by the way? It should be right here.’

  ‘We destroyed it,’ said Annie.

  Hammer gaped at her. He hadn’t seen that coming. When he was finally able to speak again, his voice was choked with shock and outrage.

  ‘Why would you want to do something like that?’

  ‘To set free the poor soul trapped inside it.’

  ‘But … It was my favourite thing! How dare you!’

  I smiled at my crew. ‘You see? I told you this was the best way to get to him.’

  Hammer glared at me. ‘This was all your doing! Oh, yes, I know who you are. And I’m not going to call you Gideon Sable, because you’re not nearly the legend he was. The things that man found for me, down the years … No, I think I’ll just call you Thief.’ He looked at my crew again and shook his head. ‘Such small people, to do so much damage. Like the vandals who brought down civilization because they were incapable of appreciating it.’

  ‘No, that’s you,’ I said. ‘Or you wouldn’t leave your precious things just standing around in piles, in a hole in the ground.’

  ‘They belong to me,’ said Hammer. ‘So I can do anything I want with them. That’s the point.’ He made himself smile again. ‘I may have lost my marvellous television, but now I have you. The famous, the infamous and the rest. I can’t wait to make you part of my collection. Properly stuffed and mounted, of course, in a dramatic diorama. If you’re very nice to me, I’ll make sure you’re dead before they start the process.’

  Lex stirred ominously beside me. ‘I’ll see you dead first, Hammer.’

  ‘No, Lex!’ I said sharply. ‘Hold your peace and hold your ground. This is still my plan, and it isn’t over yet.’

  Lex looked at me. ‘And your plan has worked out so well this far.’

  ‘We’re here, aren’t we?’ I said. ‘Have a little faith.’

  ‘You’re asking a lot of me,’ said Lex.

  ‘Because you’re worth it,’ I said.

  Lex growled under his breath but stood his ground. Hammer clapped his hands delightedly.

  ‘You’ve tamed the Damned! How on earth did you manage it?’

  ‘By promising him a chance to hurt you,’ I
said.

  ‘Yes,’ said Hammer. ‘That would do it. I suppose I should thank you for bringing him back to me. But I don’t think I will.’ He turned his easy smile on Lex. ‘I’m glad you brought me back my halos. I’m going to have such fun with them.’

  ‘You’re not worthy to wear them,’ said Lex.

  Hammer raised an eyebrow. ‘And you are? After what you did to get them? Anyway, you always did think too small, Historian. Once the armour is mine, I shall use it to plunder the world.’

  ‘But if you can just take anything you want, where’s the fun in that?’ I said.

  Hammer looked at me. ‘I don’t understand.’

  And I could see that he really didn’t.

  Johnny stepped forward, clearing his throat importantly, and several of the guards trained their weapons on him. Johnny smiled at them indulgently.

  ‘You’ve heard of me! How nice. Tell you what, why don’t you all open fire? Just to see what would happen. Who knows? I don’t.’

  ‘My men only follow my orders,’ said Hammer. ‘Don’t try anything, Mr Wilde. The ammunition in those guns is very special. Cursed bullets, retrieved from the bodies of famous victims, and then soaked in the blood of slaughtered innocents. A bit time-consuming, I know, but if a thing is worth doing … And I did want to be sure I had something that would stop the Damned, and you.’

  ‘I love it when people take me seriously,’ said Johnny. ‘But do you honestly think you can stop me from leaving if I decide to go?’

  ‘If you try anything I don’t like the look of, my guards will shoot your friends one by one until you stop doing it,’ said Hammer.

  ‘Well,’ said Johnny. ‘You’re no fun. You … villain, you.’

  Hammer turned his attention back to me.

  ‘Take off that ridiculous mask, Thief. I know who you are. I had completely forgotten about you, and her, until I saw you again on my television. If you hadn’t planned this little home invasion, I doubt I’d have ever given you another thought. Oh, by the way, Thief, did you know your little friend was the one who betrayed you the last time you tried to steal from me? Oh, yes … She gave you up in a moment, to save her true name. And then I took that from her anyway.’