Fiend of the Seven Sewers

by Steven Butler

  A LITTLE MORE REVENGE

  A petrified gasp rippled through the mass of chattering goblins.

  Everyone turned and stared with trembling knees as the green-glass doors of the palace crept silently open, revealing the queen’s monstrous pet.

  ‘Ah, there you are, Doris-i-kins!’ Latrina cooed down from her perch on the tower. ‘You’re going to have a very special breakfast today, my bumpsome beauty.’

  We all held our breath as the dreadful reptile began stalking its way through the high arch, swinging its gargantuan head to glare in our direction.

  ‘Gulp ’em all!’ Latrina chuckled spitefully. ‘Every last one!’

  This was it. We had no hope against a thing like Doris. With one quick bound, she would clamp her mighty jaws round me and Maudlin at the same time before we’d had chance to scream.

  ‘Don’t even think about it, you overgrown iguana,’ Maloney growled, taking a few defiant steps towards the crocodile as it emitted a rumble from deep in its belly. ‘I want to have a word with you.’

  ‘Maudlin!’ I whispered at the back of the ancient leprechaun’s head. ‘What are you doing?’

  ‘Hush!’ she hissed at me over my shoulder. ‘We didn’t come this far to be a lizard’s lunch.’

  With that, Maudlin started wriggling on the spot and grunting out a strange guttural noise. It sounded like the time she ate a dragon chilli at dinner and couldn’t speak for hours afterwards.

  ‘Guh-wah!’ Maudlin snorted. ‘Gub-ruh! Muh! Gwah!’

  ‘What are you saying to my crocodarling, witch?’ Latrina scoffed at Maloney. ‘Doris, eat her first!’

  ‘Brooah-gah!’ Maudlin continued, jiggling about on the spot. It seemed as if the gigantic crocodile was completely transfixed by her bizarre performance. ‘Bluh! Guh! Woah!’

  ‘DORIS, ARE YOU LISTENING TO MOOMSIE?’

  After a few more grumbles and wobbles, Maloney finished whatever she was up to, patted down her crinkled clothes and turned back to face me.

  ‘There,’ she said with a wonky grin. ‘That should do the trick.’

  ‘GET THEM, DORIS!’ Latrina yowled, aiming her loudspeaker right at the giant beast. ‘Grunch their bones and crunch their crumpets!’

  There was the teensiest of terrifying moments when I thought the scaly monster might do as she was ordered.

  ‘DO IT, DORIS!’ Latrina squawked again. ‘I’M YOUR QUEEN AND I COMMAND YOU TO—’

  Before Latrina could shout another word, the crocodile thundered away from us and flopped over the side of the Just-About-In-The-Middle-Bridge, vanishing into the murky waters below.

  ‘Doris?’ Latrina grunted into her megaphone. ‘DORIS!!’

  ‘Haha! You swizzled eejit!’ Maloney cackled up at the pumpkin-sized queen. ‘Even your reptile can’t stand you!’

  ‘What did you say to her, you leather-faced loon?’

  ‘I told Doris about a lovely wee spot I know in a cistern far away from this muck-dump. Plenty of sewer slugs and fishes galore. It’s a watery wonderland, so it is, and there’s not a single gormerous goblin to be found.’

  ‘YOU ROTTLERS!’ Latrina’s bulbous face was starting to turn purple with rage. She gripped hold of the ornate glass railing on the tower balcony and snarled down at us.

  ‘Now what are you going to do, Princess Plop?’ Maudlin cackled with glee.

  ‘I’M GOING TO TEAR YOU INTO LEPRECHAUN-FETTI!’ Queen Latrina screeched, squeezing the rail tighter and tighter with anger. ‘I’LL PUNCH YOU ALL IN THE POMPLES! I’LL DOOF YOU IN THE DINGLES! I’M THE QUEEN AND I ALWAYS WI—

  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHH!’

  Before Latrina had even realised what she’d done, the railing clenched between her tiny hands shattered and she toppled forwards, falling straight over the edge of the tower balcony like a plummeting pumpkin.

  ‘Catch her, Nancy!’ Maudlin barked.

  ‘Right you are, deary!’ She was still holding me in two of her hands, but with the spare pair, Nancy quickly snatched the shrieking queen before she hit the ground.

  ‘YOU CRUMINALS!’ Latrina squealed as she found herself dangling upside down by her pudgy ankle, kicking her free leg about like a baby having a tantrum. ‘YOU SKUZZLERS!’

  ‘A thank you might be nice,’ said Nancy, lifting Latrina up to her eye level and shaking her head disapprovingly. ‘Naughty little whelpling.’

  ‘GET OFF ME!’ the furious goblin shouted.

  It was difficult not to laugh as Nancy turned the queen the right way up and placed her gently down on the cobbles. She looked like she’d been dragged through a thistle patch backwards.

  ‘Right! Now you’re all going to pay!’ Latrina spat. She was so hopping mad, I thought she might actually start… well… hopping.

  ‘GRUMPWHISTLE!’ she shrieked. ‘Where are you? Arrest these rumpskallions at once!’

  A groan rose up behind us and the shocked-faced crowd of goblins parted to reveal a blobby… a gloopy… for a second I wasn’t sure what I was looking at until it opened its mouth and I realised that Grumpwhistle had lost a scuffle with the Molar Sisters. His once beautiful blood-red armour had been changed into toothpaste that slopped down his front and dripped off his legs in mint-scented globs.

  ‘Ah, Grumpsy!’ Latrina cooed, when she spotted him. ‘Sort out this mess for me, Grumpkins. Arrest these gurnips and find me a new croco-daughter. There’s a dunkling.’

  Captain Grumpwhistle raised himself up to his full height, lifted his arm as if to salute his queen, and then… scooped a huge fistful of toothpaste from where his helmet used to sit on his head and lobbed it at her.

  ‘I QUIT!’ he humphed as the splat of stripy slime hit Latrina right in the face. ‘You can do your own dirty work from now on!’

  Before Latrina could utter a word, Grumpwhistle turned on his heels and trudged off through the city, sulking to himself.

  Every face in the Poodly Plaza stared at Queen Latrina. She looked like the tiniest and most miserable volcano in the world, that might just explode at any moment.

  ‘Now you’ve lost your people, your beast and your royal guards, you rancid old foozle-fart,’ Maudlin spluttered, trying to stop herself from bursting into hysterical giggles. ‘I bet you wish you’d been a bit nicer now, eh?’

  ‘Shut your goblet!’ Latrina barked. ‘I’m still the queen!’

  ‘A QUEEN WITH NO SUBJECTS!’ a voice shouted from somewhere in the huge crush of goblins.

  ‘Bog off!’ yelled another. ‘Cantunkerous old windbag!’

  Before long, every goblin in Gradibash was hurrying off to pack up their homes, nattering about where they’d like to go and what they’d like to see.

  ‘Well, that’s that,’ Granny Regurgita croaked as she wandered over to join the few of us left in front of the palace. ‘You’re on your own, Your Majesty.’

  ‘Good!’ Latrina whined back at Granny. She folded her arms across her belly and pouted her crusty lips. ‘Just how I want it! No one is good enough company for me, anyway. I’m glad I’ll be on my own. There will be more snacklies for me and no one else. I don’t want to look at another fuzzly face ever again.’

  ‘Fine,’ Granny Regurgita grumbled. ‘I think it’s time to lea—’

  There was a small and sudden explosion of ectoplasm above her and – you guessed it again – Grogbah appeared.

  ‘MOOMSIE!’ he trilled, waving his arms and legs about like a carbuncled Catherine wheel. ‘Don’t forget me! I’ll be here to keep you company!’

  Latrina grimaced up at Grogbah and stuck out her tongue.

  ‘Oh no you won’t!’ she said, puffing out her cheeks. ‘You’re haunting that rotsy Franky-thing and he’s going straight back to where he came from. You’ve got to go too. Them’s the rules!’

  ‘No, Moomsie! I want to stay with you. We can live in royal rapture, just the two of us. Think of the lovely chattywags we’ll have.’

  ‘You ain’t staying here, you dim-twitted donker!’

  ‘But, Moomsie, PLEA
SE!’

  I watched as Maloney stepped closer to the squabbling goblins, then reached into the knots of her dreadlocks and pulled out a thin wand made from unicorn horn.

  ‘I think this can be arranged,’ Maudlin tittered, before drawing a few invisible runes in the air with the little object.

  ‘What are you up to, you tricksy old turnip?’ Latrina gawped as delicate specks of light suddenly twinkled in a wavering line between me and Grogbah. I felt a strange tingling sensation all over my skin. And then… it was gone.

  ‘I’ve broken the haunting,’ Maudlin said. ‘You’re no longer attached to Frankie, Grogbog.’

  ‘I’M NOT!?!’ Grogbah looked like he was going to belch ectoplasm everywhere with happiness. ‘I don’t have to stick around with you mucklies any more?’

  ‘Ah, that’s better, isn’t it?’ Latrina beamed, smiling a fake smile. ‘Now you’re free to go anywhere you want, son. Anywhere as far away from here as possible. Antarctica’s nice! Why not the moon?’

  ‘Not so fast,’ Maudlin chuckled, raising the wand again.

  ‘NO!’ Latrina yelped, guessing what Maloney was about to do. ‘Don’t even think about it, you rambunking rottler!’ But it was too late. Maudlin swished the wand a second time and a new line of twinkling lights briefly appeared between the queen and her spook-son.

  ‘Consider yourself haunted, Your Majesty. Think of it as a parting gift from Manky Old Maloney,’ the ancient leprechaun cackled. ‘Grogbah, you’ve got a new person to pester, and I made sure it’s a very short leash!’

  ‘MOOMSIE!’ Grogbah wailed in delight. ‘IT’S YOU AND ME FOR EVER!’

  AND THAT WAS THAT…

  So, there you have it, my reader friend.

  The last we saw of Queen Latrina, she was screaming like a banshee and sprinting back into the palace, with her joyfully singing son being dragged along behind her by an invisible thread. Haha!

  By the time we’d all regrouped in the Poodly Plaza, the pirates had started to board the ship again. Calamitus had shimmied back down from the crow’s nest and was barking orders to his crew, preparing to set sail on the voyage back to The Nothing To See Here Hotel. I smiled at the rattling skeleton when we spotted each other and he made straight for me.

  ‘Avast, Frankie!’ Calamitus wheezed, patting a bony hand on my back. ‘I think there’s the makings of a ruddy good sea donk in you, m’boy. It seems you’ve got buccaneer blood in your veins. Want to come sail with old Captain Plank in the seven sewers?’

  ‘NO!’ Dad snapped when he heard Calamitus’s offer from a little way off.

  ‘Absolutely no more adventures,’ Mum agreed. ‘Never again!’

  ‘Suit your selflies,’ the skeleton chuckled. He winked at me and staggered off to do more captain-ish things.

  * * *

  In no time there was excited activity everywhere.

  Tempestra led a gaggle of her best crew up to Grimegorn to open all the cages and set Latrina’s magical menagerie free, and I was thrilled to see that Gully and Mrs Morkie had arrived safely on board. It made me SO HAPPY to introduce my new friends to Mum, Dad, Nancy and Maudlin and invite them to come stay at the hotel for good.

  D’you know, it turns out that Limpet Lil, the wooden welcome wench at the Itchy Urchin, was the whole reason I was rescued at all! Who’d have thought?

  I couldn’t believe it when Mum told me.

  That BRILLIANT mulchy maiden got a grumbly worried feeling after we met on the night of my kidnapping, and she decided to write and tell her cousin all about it.

  Just by luck, Lil’s cousin is Grizzled Gracy-Lou, the skeleton figurehead of the BLISTERED BARNACLE! It took yonks and yonkers for the news to reach her because wooden wenches like Lil only use the hermit-crab postal service. They’re extremely reliable, those little crustaceans, but they’re about as slow as a post-creature can get!

  Anyway, where was I?

  Oh, yes! Once everyone was back on the ship, the streets of Gradibash were running alive with curious exotic animals, and we’d figured out a way of putting Morkie towards the back of the deck while we all headed to the front to keep it balanced, we were ready to weigh anchor.

  That would probably have been the end of this story if…

  ‘WAIT!’ I cried. ‘DON’T SET SAIL!’

  Maudlin was preparing to cast the bubble charm when I spotted a tall cloaked figure slipping into an alleyway just across the plaza.

  ‘Impya!’ I shouted. Before I had time to think, I bounded down the gangplank. ‘Impya!’

  I could hear my parents and Nancy calling behind me, but there was no way I was going to leave this place without saying thank you to the strange frog-woman. Without her help, we’d still be locked inside Grimegorn.

  ‘Wait!’

  The alleyway was a tiny passage of cobblestones that ran behind the Poodly Plaza called Slug-slither Lane. When I reached it, I could already see Impya was almost at the far end, but I know she had heard me yelling.

  ‘Impya, it’s me!’

  The frog-lady stopped in her tracks.

  ‘What is it, boy?’ she said over her shoulder.

  ‘Everyone is leaving Gradibash! You don’t need to hide in the shadows any more. The guards have fled and no one will throw stones or be cruel.’

  ‘So?’

  ‘So… You should leave too. You don’t have to wander the pipes alone. Come and meet my family.’

  ‘Don’t talk such judderish,’ Impya replied. She turned to look at me and I could see sadness in her eyes. ‘No one wants to spend time with the Slime Wife.’

  ‘Come back to The Nothing To See Here Hotel with us. We’re all weird and wonderful there,’ I said. ‘You’d love my great-great-great-grandad Abraham. He was an explorer too, remember? Sort of like you.’

  Impya took a single step closer to me.

  ‘Grandad Abe tells stories much better than I do,’ I continued, trying to encourage her. ‘He could tell you all about the world above, and things to see, and all those stories about Oculus Nocturne. I bet you’d love those!’

  The frog-lady padded out of the shadows on her long feet.

  ‘Oculus Nocturne,’ she sighed.

  ‘Yes!’ If I wasn’t mistaken, it looked like I was getting through to her. ‘Grandad Abe can tell you the stories about Oculus far better than I can. They’re completely BONKERS!’

  Impya walked closer and stopped just in front of me, then bent down until her face was very close to mine.

  ‘All right,’ she whispered. ‘All right.’

  ONE LAST TWIST

  I don’t think I’ll ever feel something more belly-bungling and humdifferous than the moment we arrived back at the hotel. I could have stood for hours in the front doorway, taking in all the familiar clatter and noise and smells and colours and music and light of the place.

  My heart nearly flew straight out of my chest when Hoggit came bounding from the kitchens and leaped into my arms, puffing out a tiny chain of smoke rings.

  I’m not too proud to admit to you, my reader friend, that I had a blunking good cry at that moment.

  ‘So, this is your amazing home,’ Gully said, putting his hand on my shoulder and giving me a slightly soggy smile. ‘I can see why you missed it.’

  After a very damp and gloomy journey back to the surface in the BLISTERED BARNACLE’s enchanted bubble, we were all shivering and huddling together in the foyer trying to keep warm. Mum and Dad handed out blankets and Nancy poured mug after mug of shrimp-scale tea. Mrs Morkie was delighted. HAHA!

  But don’t worry. I’m not going to end this story talking about mugs of hot drinks, I promise.

  This chapter wouldn’t be called ‘One Last Twist’ if there wasn’t one last twist. So, here it is.

  * * *

  After we’d had our tea, I showed Gully, Morkie and Impya around the hotel. Well, Morkie only saw the bits she could squeeze into, but she didn’t mind. We’d just been up to the observatorium and Impya had taken a cooling dip in the mud spa, w
hen I mentioned I wanted her to meet Grandad Abe.

  At first, she seemed quite curious, but when we got to the bottom of the great staircase and she spotted his ghost floating near Aunt Zennifer’s fountain, the frog-lady got very nervous and twitchy.

  ‘Are you all right?’ I asked her. ‘Don’t worry, he’s super friendly.’

  ‘I can’t, Frankie,’ she mumbled, visibly shaking.

  ‘Of course you can!’

  ‘No, a great explorer like Abraham Banister wouldn’t be interested in a wandering Slime Wife. I shouldn’t have come.’

  She turned to go towards the front door, but I grabbed her by the wrist.

  ‘You must stay,’ I pleaded. ‘You saved our lives back in Grimegorn. You’re my friend.’

  Impya stared at me with her large orange eyes, and a smile crept across her face.

  ‘You’re a very kind person, Frankie Banister. I shan’t forget that, but I must get away from here. I don’t belong.’

  ‘You can be part of our family, Impya!’ I said, feeling a little hurt. ‘I thought you wanted to live with us,’

  ‘So did I,’ she whispered. ‘But I was wrong. There are things I have to do.’

  With that, Impya plucked a trinket from her cloak and pressed it into my hand.

  ‘It’s a little something to remember me by, but don’t look until I’m gone.’

  She turned and hurried across the foyer.

  I was just thinking about running after her when Mum and Dad returned from gathering more blankets and they bounded over to see me.

  ‘There you are.’ Mum beamed, planting a slobberchopsy kiss on my head and draping a blanket round my shoulders. ‘You’re right back where you belong, my darling.’

  ‘Yep,’ I said, hardly listening. I couldn’t see where Impya had gone, and something in my gut told me I should try again to make her stay.