Breathless With Her

by Carrie Ann Ryan

  I couldn’t back out.

  Why did I feel like I was doing everything wrong?

  I sighed and then went to pull on some white jeans, forgetting at the last moment that I wanted to change my underwear, too. Not for Devin. This was not for Devin. No, it was because I was wearing white jeans and I wasn’t about to wear my work panties, the nice, wide ones that were not for public consumption but totally covered everything as I moved around my kitchen.

  Plus, I had been wearing black that day. So that really wouldn’t work.

  I quickly switched to a white, lacy thong, and not because Devin would see. No, this was because of the jeans. And I liked these jeans.

  I was probably going to stay in these jeans all night and stain them because that’s what I did. I was bound to do something that ruined them, but that was fine.

  Everything was fine.

  I slid on the pants, put on a black bandeau, and then pulled on my shirt. It was an off-the-shoulder black top that had bell sleeves and billowed out just enough after it tapered in to the waist. That way, it covered what I needed it to cover, and I still felt pretty.

  I put on black sandals with a wedge, the silver adornments on the top the perfect complement to the jewelry I planned on wearing.

  I didn’t really know what kind of dress code the party had for the night, but considering the cake I had made, and Devin telling me to wear anything I wanted, I figured it wasn’t formal. So, I wasn’t willing to wear a dress. After all, this wasn’t a real date. And even if the night went poorly, it wouldn’t matter. Because it wasn’t like this would become anything serious.

  I already had serious. I’d had years of serious.

  This could just be a fling.

  Yes, I told myself. A fling. But I wasn’t even going to have sex with Devin. He was just going to be my friend.

  But if it turned into a fling, that was fine. Though I was never going down the road of a relationship again. Been there, got the T-shirt. And then saw the T-shirt stripped off the damn cheerleader as my husband fucked her and did drugs off her chest.

  I growled and slid on my hoop earrings, trying to slow down my breathing.

  I didn’t know if Nicholas was still doing coke or if that had just been a one-time thing.

  I hadn’t asked. Didn’t want anything to do with it.

  I got my half of our old life and walked away.

  It hurt to think that he might be hurting himself, but there was nothing I could do about it. He had walked away first.

  And I didn’t want to fight it anymore.

  No, I was not going to think about that. I couldn’t. Tonight was all about the date. The not-date. The I-have-no-idea-what-I’m-doing date.

  See? Everything was fine. I didn’t have to think about what was going to happen tonight.

  I just had to be. Something I was getting better at. After all, I’d had six months to figure out who I was. Tonight was just the next step in that.

  My phone buzzed on my dresser, and I looked down at it, my heart in my throat.

  Was it Devin wanting to cancel? I wouldn’t be surprised. After all, this had been short notice. Maybe he had decided that taking me to his friend’s birthday party was too much. After all, wasn’t it a statement?

  My hands shook, and I cursed at myself, annoyed that I was always nervous when it came to Devin—or anyone at this point.

  But then I relaxed, seeing my sister’s name on the screen.

  I picked up the cell, still staring at myself in the mirror like a weirdo. “Hey, Jenn, what’s up?” I asked, smiling.

  I loved my sister. She’d always been there for me, even when our parents weren’t. After all, our dad walking out on us because he just didn’t want a family or whatever story he’d told our mother kind of changed things when we were growing up.

  Our mom was a little insane. Okay, a lot. Probably clinically, but she refused to get help. She left us as soon as I turned eighteen, and then it was just Jenn and me. And Jenn’s family. I loved Jenn’s family.

  “Hey there, Jitterbug,” Jenn said, and I laughed.

  “Jitterbug?” I asked.

  “What? I’m trying out new things. Junebug. Jitterbug. I don’t know. I’ll think of something.”

  “We live in Colorado. Not Texas.”

  “Colorado is getting a twang, haven’t you heard? It’s all the Texans moving up here.”

  “Are we going to start saying ‘dude’ more often since we’re also being filled up by Californians?” I asked, smiling again.

  “I don’t know about y’all, dude, but sometimes my accent has no idea what it’s doing.” She added a heavy drawl and a surfer dialect all at the same time, and I couldn’t help but laugh.

  “I love you.”

  “I love you, too, darlin’.” She drawled out the word darlin’ like she was a cowgirl, and I just snorted.

  “What’s up, Jenn?”

  “I was just checking in on you since I haven’t heard from you in a couple of days.” My sister pulled the phone away as she yelled at one of her children in a nice, happy tone, but it was a mom yell, nonetheless. I could just picture the look on her face. Jenn was an amazing mother. And her husband was one incredible dad.

  And though our mom had tried her best, it hadn’t been the best. It had been adequate. We’d had a roof over our heads and food in our mouths, but not much more. It wasn’t what Jenn gave her daughters.

  But our mom had worked long hours, and after a while, I was pretty sure she resented us. Now, she was off in a commune of all places, learning to be one with the world and putting herself first for the first time in her life.

  And while I applauded her for putting herself first because, hell, all moms should do that sometimes, she had cut ties with us in the process. And I was pretty sure she hadn’t met a single grandchild.

  That wasn’t something I could forgive. Not for my sake, it didn’t affect me, but for Jenn’s.

  “I’m fine,” I said after Jenn got back on the line.

  “Oh, you keep saying that, but I worry about you. You are my little sister.”

  “I’m fine. Just working.”

  “That douchebag hasn’t come by and bothered you?” Jenn asked, a sharp sting to her tone.

  Jenn had never been a fan of Nicholas. Oh, they’d gotten along just fine at holidays and things, but she’d always wanted me to ditch my boyfriend from high school and find someone else. To live life a little before I settled down with a man that had been my one and only. Well, just because my sister ended up being right about that didn’t mean I wanted to think about it. Damn it.

  “He hasn’t bothered me at all.”

  “His stuff’s still in your garage?”

  “Yeah, but it’s not a big deal. I’m fine. Really.”

  “You say that, but until I see you happy and settled again, I’m not going to believe you.”

  I pinched the bridge of my nose. We’d always had this problem. We had issues. We were siblings. We had been born to fight, even as we loved each other.

  “I’m never going to get married again. I did that already. And you’re doing wonderful at that. I’m just going to be the cool aunt Erin.”

  “You already are the cool aunt Erin. You were the cool aunt Erin when you had that douchebag, Nicholas.”

  “Do your kids know you call him ‘douchebag?’”

  “They’re in the other room with Steve. Everything’s fine.”

  “I love you.”

  “I love you, too,” she said.

  “But you need to get some dick.”

  I snorted and looked at myself in the mirror again. “Stop it.” I sobered, remembering the last conversation we’d had, and why it had been a couple of days since we talked.

  “We need to talk about Dad,” I said softly.

  “No, we really don’t. I’m done with him. He walked away. Just because you got a stick up your butt where you actually feel like you need to figure out what our dear old dad’s doing right now, doesn’t me
an I have to deal with it.”

  “All I’m saying is that we know nothing about him. And I’d like to know.”

  “I don’t know why you do. He was an asshole. Is an asshole. He left us high and dry. He left, and Mom broke. That’s partly why she is the way she is. That’s why she hasn’t seen my babies. The two of them can fuck right off. You and me? We’re the only family we need. I am done with him. You get me?”

  There was such brittleness to my sister’s tone. Pain. I knew she had to be done. Just because I wanted to find and figure out the man who had helped to give us life, didn’t mean that Jenn needed to. Though I still wanted her to be a part of my plan.

  I’d gotten the idea to find out where he was after I finished signing my divorce paperwork. It was as if casting off one part of my life while trying to look forward made me want to look at the pieces I’d hidden so long ago.

  I didn’t even remember my dad’s face. Oh, I could look at photos, but I didn’t recall him smiling down at me. I didn’t remember him lifting me up and setting me on his shoulders. I didn’t even know if he had ever done that.

  I didn’t know any of it.

  I hated him for leaving.

  And I hated myself for wanting more.

  “Just be okay with what you have,” Jenn said, her voice soothing.

  “You say that, but you said I needed to get dick,” I said, quickly changing the subject.

  She barked out a laugh. “You do need to get dick.”

  “Then how can I be fine with myself if I need dick.”

  “Oh, stop it. I’m saying, don’t look behind you, just look forward. Okay?”

  “Okay.”

  The doorbell rang, and I cursed.

  “Who is that?” she asked.

  “My date.”

  She started speaking a mile a minute, and I tried to stop her. “It’s fine. Just a date.”

  “Well, it’s about time. You need penis. All the dick. Go, you!”

  “I love you, ya dirty whore,” I said, laughing.

  “I love you, too, filthy slut.”

  I hung up, shaking my head as I went down to the front door.

  Yes, my sister and I had issues, and we fought, but we loved each other. Even if we were weird.

  I took a deep breath, then I opened the door, my eyes widening.

  “Damn. You know I liked the glittery dress, but I think I like you in those jeans even more.”

  I grinned at Devin’s words and tried to swallow hard. It wasn’t really working out too well. I could barely catch my breath.

  I knew Devin was hot. Hello, everyone knew he was hot. I’d been pressed up against him before in my life, but it had been more me feeling out of it after drinking a little too much after my world shattered. But the way he looked now? I couldn’t even get my thoughts together. His jeans were molded to his thighs, tight, a little worn at the seams but the perfect fit. He had on dark boots that matched his dark belt. He had on a collared shirt, one that buttoned up, but he’d only tucked in the front, he hadn’t finished tucking in the back. It might have looked sloppy on someone else, but somehow, he made it work. He looked sexy as fuck.

  I knew I was in trouble. I’d known I was screwed the moment he walked into my bakery. And then when he texted me and called.

  I knew I was in trouble.

  But I didn’t think I cared.

  Not right then.

  Not when I couldn’t keep my eyes off the muscles in his forearms, or fail to notice the way his jaw ticked just slightly when he stared at me.

  I couldn’t focus when I watched the long line of his neck as he swallowed, or the way his eyes narrowed when he studied me.

  I couldn’t focus. All I could do was watch his hands and notice how wide his palms were, how strong and thick his fingers were.

  And how I couldn’t help but think about that story I had heard about the length of a man’s dick in conjunction with the size of his feet or his hands.

  I refused to look down at his jeans.

  I wouldn’t look down at his feet.

  I was a goner.

  And I was really worried that I was going to fuck this up.

  “You don’t look too bad yourself,” I said quickly, smiling.

  “Thanks for that. But, seriously, you look sexy as hell. And I promise I won’t say that again if it makes you blush and look as nervous as you do right now.”

  I put my hands up to my cheeks and cocked my head. “Sorry. I’m not good at this.”

  “I think you’re doing just fine.”

  He smiled then, and I let out a shaky breath as I reached for my purse and gift and then followed him out to his truck.

  “Your truck is just as amazing as I remember it.”

  “I’m glad you remember it at all from that night.”

  I shoved at his shoulder, even though he didn’t move an inch.

  The man was strong, steady, and the ink that covered him? I seriously wanted to follow the lines with my tongue.

  See? I was losing my damn mind.

  “I wasn’t that drunk.”

  “Still slept on my couch.”

  I knew I was blushing again.

  “Let’s just forget about that, shall we? Like, let’s not talk about it at all.”

  “I don’t know if I can actually agree to that.” He helped me into the truck, then went around to his side. As he got in, I frowned.

  “Why can’t you agree to that?”

  “If I do, how am I going to remember the first time you slept over?”

  “Smooth moves.”

  “I try.”

  We talked about work, mostly his with a little bit of mine. It was nice. It didn’t feel like a first date, maybe because it wasn’t a date. But it didn’t really feel like a first of anything. After all, I had slept at his house already. And I knew him. Even if it was on the periphery.

  Devin wasn’t a complete stranger. I just had to keep reminding myself of that.

  “We’re here,” he said, pulling up in front of a house. There were a few cars there, and I looked around, smiling at the neighborhood. “You know, I almost bought a house in this neighborhood.”

  “Really? It’s a good place. I live two neighborhoods over.”

  “I remember,” I said, meeting his gaze.

  “I thought you didn’t want to talk about that night.”

  “Apparently, I’m not very good at that.”

  “I don’t mind.”

  He helped me out of the truck, and then pulled out a bottle of wine in a little bag as well as a gift bag from the back seat.

  I tugged the card and little gift bag out of my small purse and looked up at him.

  “So, I didn’t really know what to get him as a gift, so I got him a little knick-knack for his desk. It’s stupid. But I was kind of out of ideas.”

  “You didn’t need to get him anything. I got him something.” He shook the bag. “Plus, I brought wine. I figured you could bring that.”

  “That would have been smart.”

  “Hey, I gave you like thirty minutes’ notice. I think it’d have been okay if you didn’t bring a gift.”

  “Well, we’ll see. This is pretty much nothing.”

  “So you say.”

  He held out his hand, and I slid my fingers into his, ignoring the way my breath caught.

  His hands were working-man’s hands. Considering that he lifted boxes and dealt with letters and God only knew what else every day, I assumed that’s where he got the calluses.

  But when he slid the pad of his thumb across my hand, I swallowed hard.

  I couldn’t help but picture those hands in other places.

  Maybe everyone else was right. Perhaps I did need dick. Because if I was thinking about him like this with just the two of us holding hands? I was in a whole load of trouble.

  Greg and Laney were amazing. They not only loved their cake to the point where Greg had picked me up and twirled me around like I was a marionette doll, but they also had incredibl
e food, good beer, and just threw a great party.

  They’d built a whole back deck and patio onto their home that had two different floors to it.

  They hadn’t put in a pool, but there was a hot tub with a couple of brave people getting in just for kicks and giggles.

  I stayed with Devin most of the night since I didn’t really know anybody, and the whole idea that I’d come to check on the cake would clearly be a ruse that nobody would believe.

  Everybody knew that I was on a date with the elusive Devin Carr, and they wanted to know who I was, who my people were, and how I had met him.

  When people found out that I was the little sister of a girl he used to date? That had been fun.

  “Oh, going through the family, are we?” one man asked, and Devin just growled.

  “Watch your mouth,” he said.

  “Oh, I am. Just think it’s interesting, that’s all.”

  “Seriously? It’s been how many years?”

  “I know, right?” he asked. He paused, and I looked up at him. “It’s not a problem for me. Is it a problem for you?” he asked.

  I shook my head, setting down my empty glass. “No. If you were still pining for her, or if she was pining for you at all, maybe it would be an issue. But it’s not.”

  “Okay, then,” he said. He squeezed my hand, and the two of us walked around a bit to say goodbye before heading out.

  Now, we were standing on my porch, having left the party a little early.

  “About Jenn…” I said out of the blue, still thinking about my sister.

  “You think she’s pining for me?” Devin asked, laughter in his eyes.

  “I don’t think so. I mentioned to her that I was going on a date tonight,” I began.

  “Oh?”

  “I didn’t mention you, though.”

  “Is there a reason for that?”

  “No. I just didn’t have time. I mentioned it right when you rang the doorbell,” I added.

  “Ah. But it’s not a problem for me.”

  “Okay,” I whispered.

  “What was that voice for?”

  “It’s not a problem that you used to date her. But I want you to know, I’m not ready for a big relationship. I just got out of a huge one.”