Dodger for Sale

by Jordan Sonnenblick

  “Oh, no,” Rodger exclaimed. “It can’t be! Willie’s sister has been kidnapped—by a bunch of elementary-school principals?”

  “Worse than that, Rodger.” He took a deep, shuddering breath, and I could see Rodger wondering what in the world could be scarier than a pack of principals.

  Then Rodger said, “Lunch ladies?”

  Ugh. That would be worse. But Dodger shook his head.

  “No, bro, I wish it had been lunch ladies. But it’s even more totally horrible-riffic than that.”

  “Dodger,” Lizzie said, “I don’t think ‘horrible-riffic’ is a word, actually.”

  “Can we please focus?” I asked. “Dodger, just tell us: Who took my sister?”

  Dodger shuddered and said, “Sprites, Rodger. The dreaded sprites.”

  “Sprites? Amy was kidnapped by a group of sodas?”

  Lizzie chimed in. “No, Rodger. Sprites are mythical woodland creatures. You know, pixies, elves, fairies …”

  “Leprechauns,” Dodger added.

  “All right,” I asked, “so what’s so scary about the leprechauns? They’re only, like, a foot and a half tall.”

  Dodger fired back, “The leprechauns might be small, but they’re totally tough. And tricky—if you look away from one for even a second, he goes POOF!”

  Yes, we had already noticed that. “All right, so what happened after they came in?”

  “I told you, they zapped me and I turned into a frog. They also cast a Shoe Spell on your mom.”

  “A Shoe Spell?”

  “Yes, the dreaded Curse of the Comfortable High Heel. Your mom is sitting downstairs now, staring at a magical, perfectly comfortable high-heeled shoe—hypnotized. Don’t worry, she’ll be fine once we wake her up, although she may develop a strange dissatisfaction with all of her dress shoes. Anyway, then they grabbed Amy. Their leader guy kept saying, ‘She is the chosen one! She is the chosen one!’ She was kicking and yelling, but they did some kind of magic spell thing and she fell asleep. The next thing I knew, like, twelve of the little dudes picked her up on their shoulders and carried her out the door. I tried to go after them, but I couldn’t turn the doorknob!”

  “So what DID you do?”

  Dodger looked a little sheepish. “I, um, ate a fly.”

  Lizzie’s eyebrows shot up. “You ATE a fly?”

  “Dude, for your information, flies happen to be delicious. They have this thin, crunchy outer coating, and then on the inside there’s this juicy, zesty burst of flavor!”

  Lizzie just looked at him.

  “What? Was I supposed to just let him fly around annoying everybody all day? And waste all those essential vitamins and minerals?”

  I cleared my throat, and they both looked at me. “Okay, so what are we going to do about this?”

  “Um, wash it down with some fruit juice?”

  “No, Dodger, what are we going to do about the fact that ANGRY FAIRY CREATURES HAVE MY SISTER?”

  “Oh, that,” Dodger said. “Why didn’t you say so? Uh, the way I see it, all we have to do is find their place of power, round up some magical weapons, attack, and get Amy back. No problemo.”

  “I see,” I said through clenched teeth. “All we have to do is attack the leprechauns in their headquarters. Even though we’re totally outnumbered and don’t know what the heck we’re doing. Or where the headquarters even is.”

  “Sure, when you say it like that, it sounds pretty bad. But we totally know where their hideout is.”

  Lizzie and I both said, “We do?”

  “Duh—at the end of the rainbow.”

  “So all we have to do is wait for it to rain, hope the sun comes out at the perfect time, and go for it?”

  “Well,” Dodger said, “that would work. But it’s not the easiest way.”

  I stomped my foot. “NO FOOLING!” I shouted. “But do you have a better idea?”

  “Sure, we could just walk there in, like, ten minutes flat.”

  “What are you talking about? It isn’t even raining.” I couldn’t believe we were even talking about this like it made some kind of sense. But my life is just kind of weird like that, I guess.

  Dodger took a deep breath and said, “Can you name the colors of the rainbow, Willie?”

  “Yeah, we learned them in art class. Red, orange, yellow, green … ummm …”

  Lizzie took over: “Blue, indigo, violet.”

  “Right. And what color is the Field of Dreams?”

  “Blue,” I said. “So what?”

  “So if we just go to the Field of Dreams, and then go to the next, next field, that’s where the leprechauns will be.”

  “The next field?” Lizzie asked.

  “No, not the next field—that would be indigo. We have to go to the next, next field. Boy, do I have to explain everything? Two colors after blue is violet. And that’s the end of the rainbow. So all we have to do is get to the purple field.”

  I swear, if Dodger ever starts making sense to me, I think I’ll go get my head examined. But hey, if we were going to go get ourselves into a huge mess of trouble and danger, at least the location was convenient.

  “All righty, then,” I said. “All we have to do is walk over there with some—what do you call ’em?—magical weapons, attack the leprechauns, and save my sister. Good thing that’s not a completely terrifying idea or anything.”

  “Dude, you don’t need to worry.”

  “I don’t?” I asked.

  “He doesn’t?” Rodger asked.

  “Nope,” Dodger said with a goofy grin. Then he said the five scariest words in the English language: “I totally have a plan!”

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  We Invade the End of the Rainbow

  SO NOW YOU KNOW how I ended up on a snowboard with Dodger, flying off a ski jump and over the rainbow in order to save my sister. It was a crazy ride. I think I would have had trouble just riding a regular board down the magical mountain that Dodger had created in the middle of the Field of Dreams. But when the board was painted with flying potion, and I had a hyperactive chimp clinging to my back, things got really difficult.

  Somehow we didn’t wipe out on the downhill, although that meant we had developed some seriously terrifying speed going into the slalom course. Before I even knew what was going on, Dodger started leaning sideways and shouting, “Right! Now left! Now right again!” in my ear. I twisted my body one way, then the other, then back again, and—miraculously—we made it through the slalom flags, too.

  Which only left the scariest part of all: the jump. “All right, Willie!” Dodger yelled. “We just have to make sure we get enough height to go over the rainbow. If we hit it—”

  I could feel him shudder even in the middle of zipping down the ramp. “What happens if we hit the rainbow?”

  “Um—let’s just not do that, dude. Okay?”

  Yikes. We went down the rest of the ramp so fast that it felt like the skin on my face was going to peel off. I leaned forward as hard as I could, even though every nerve in my whole body was screaming STOP! at full volume. I knew we only had one shot at this, and I had to rescue Amy.

  Going off the end of the ramp was the most nauseating thing that’s ever happened to me. It was like my stomach had dropped straight down through my body and tumbled away into space. Only worse. We flew upward so hard that my feet were getting crushed against the board. We were higher than the treetops of the forest. We were nearly as high as the clouds! Then, just when I felt like I might faint, we reached the top of our arc through the air—and started drifting downward. There was a rainbow about fifty feet ahead of us and maybe twenty feet down. I couldn’t tell whether we were going to clear the top of it.

  “PULL UP!” Dodger yelled. Whatever that meant.

  I tried hard to lift my front foot in its strap, and that seemed to add a little lift to our glide. Then we were maybe twenty feet from the rainbow and ten feet above it. I pulled up even harder, and felt Dodger bouncing on the end of the board behind me. T
he front of the board angled even higher, and we cleared the rainbow by maybe six inches, at the most.

  Whew. I didn’t know what happens when you hit a rainbow on a snowboard, but I was glad this wouldn’t be my day to find out. “What now?” I asked Dodger over the roar of the wind in my ears.

  “Now comes the crash landing! Hang on!” Yeah, like he really needed to tell me to hang on. Although, come to think of it, what was I supposed to hang on to? I didn’t have long to wonder, because the next thing I knew, we were losing altitude faster than ever. Suddenly, the bottom of the board was smashing through branches. Then we were tumbling forward. I did at least three somersaults when I hit the ground, which hurt pretty badly. Then Dodger landed on top of me, which hurt even worse.

  I groaned, spat out a twig, and sat up. Dodger climbed off my back and said, “Cool, huh?” Strangely, it was kind of cool—not that you should try it at home or anything. But then I looked up. The scene in front of me was unbelievable: There were approximately thirty leprechauns standing around a bonfire. Sitting in a wooden chair in front of the blaze was my sister, Amy. Her eyes widened when she saw me. All the leprechauns were staring, too. Then one, who was even shorter than the others, stomped up to us and said, “I am Tim Tuttle, the Improbably Large. I rule this land. Ye dare to invade our magical glade with only two warriors? Are ye insane?”

  “Dude, who said there were only two of us?” Dodger said. At that exact moment, Lizzie and Rodger came plummeting from the sky on the Magic Carpet of Khartoum and landed on top of Tim Tuttle. As a tiny bump under a carpet, he didn’t look so improbably large at all. His voice was pretty big, though. “ ’Et ’e oug ub here!” he shouted through the thick rug. “ ’Et ’e oug ub here!”

  “What’s that you say? Get you out of there?” Rodger said. “I think we can grant you that wish, perform that task, render that service. Hang on!” Rodger and Lizzie jumped off the carpet, then reached down and lifted the edge.

  Tim Tuttle climbed out from beneath the rug, spitting out dust bunnies and sneezing. Then he said, “Leprechauns! Attack! Attack! At-choo!”

  The leprechauns were standing around looking confused. “Who’s At-choo?” one of them asked. “And why would we attack him?” asked another. Finally, Big Pat Clancy stepped out of the throng and said, “A-ha! I should have known it was ye, Dodger! And ye, Rodger! And ye, Willie of the Stinky Sneakers!”

  “And me,” Lizzie said, stepping toward him. “Lizzie of the Melted Boot!”

  I stepped up next to her. “Let my sister go,” I said in my strongest, steadiest voice.

  “Who’s your sister, Stinky?”

  I pointed to Amy. “That’s her, right there! The one you’re holding hostage. We tried to be friends with you before. We tried to be nice and reasonable. But if you want a fight, I’ll fight every single one of you to get my sister back!”

  Amy jumped up. “You will?” she asked, sounding surprised.

  Truthfully, I was kind of surprised at what I’d said, too. But as soon as I had said it, I’d known it was true. “I will!” I said, raising my fists.

  “Wait a minute,” Tim Tuttle said. “Your sister is our new queen?”

  “No, I’m telling you, my sister is that girl right there—Amy!”

  Right when I said “Amy,” every leprechaun dropped to one knee and chanted, “Long may she reign!”

  Whoa. Apparently, my sister was their new queen. Tim Tuttle said, “It is rather unfortunate that ye are the brother of Queen Amy—long may she reign. Now I can’t order my entire army to attack ye.”

  I breathed a sigh of relief.

  But then Tim Tuttle continued, “As a nobleman by blood, ye are entitled to death by single combat instead!”

  So much for the relief. I forced myself to sound braver than I felt. “Oh, yeah? Who’s gonna fight me?”

  Tim Tuttle called three leprechauns out of the group: “Stand forward, Hank O’Hare, the Extremely Long-Armed. Stand forward, Nick Shea of the Bulging, Sculpted Biceps. Stand forward, Walter O’Malley of the, Um, Really Huge Teeth.”

  “Wait a minute! If it’s single combat, how come I have to fight three of you?”

  Lizzie said, “Yeah! I mean, I know your people are a bit on the small side, but—”

  “Small side?” Tim Tuttle thundered. “SMALL SIDE?”

  I reached over and pinched Lizzie’s arm. “You’re not helping,” I hissed.

  “We shall see who is on the small side, Willie!” screamed Tuttle. “Attack!”

  I spread my feet and made my hands into fists, just like they do in my Ultimate Fighting video game. I tried to look as intimidating as I could, and prepared to die in battle for my sister. Or at least get hit in the shins a lot.

  But then Amy yelled: “STOP!”

  Everyone stopped. The leprechauns stopped because she was their queen, and the rest of us stopped because Amy is just so darn loud when she really wants to be. She stood and walked over between me and the three wee fighting men. “Nobody has to fight today,” she said. “We’re all on the same side.”

  “We are?” Tim Tuttle asked.

  “We are?” Dodger repeated.

  “Yes. Willie, aren’t you trying to save the wild and magical forest?”

  I nodded.

  “Tim Tuttle, aren’t you trying to save the wild and magical forest, too?”

  Sheepishly, he nodded as well.

  “Then there’s no time to waste! We have to sit down together and figure out a way to make this happen. Men, bring out my book!” Two leprechauns came forward, holding a copy of Dad’s classic Save the Planet in Ten Easy Steps. “I think what we are up to now is Step Four: Identify your allies. Then comes Step Five: Brainstorm a list of your assets.”

  “Our what?” I asked.

  Rodger said, “Assets. You know, tools. Weapons. Things we have going for us.”

  “After that, we’ll go to Step Six: Plan your presentation, followed by Step Seven: State your case in public.”

  “Wait,” I said. “Before we start, can somebody please tell me how my sister became your queen?”

  “It’s somewhat embarrassing, actually,” Big Pat Clancy said. “Ye were right that we went to your house intending to take her hostage. But as soon as we burst into her room, she said we had better stand back or her brother’s blue ape friend would attack us. We asked what blue ape friend she was talking about, and she said, ‘I don’t know who he is, but I know that if he’s a friend of my brother’s, he won’t let anything happen to me.’ We asked where he was, and she said she didn’t know because she couldn’t see him. That was when we knew that Amy—long may she reign—had to be our queen.”

  “Huh? Why?” I asked.

  “Because your sister has the greatest gift a human can have. Ye first believed in magical creatures because ye could see Dodger, right?”

  “Yeah, I guess so.”

  “Willie, it’s easy to believe in magic if you can see it. But your sister believed even though she could NOT see—and even when you kept telling her she was wrong. Your sister has true faith in the power of magic. And that is what the world needs most from you humans. If all of you trusted in the unseen power of magic, the wild places of the world wouldn’t be disappearing. And my people could still roam free, granting our mighty blessings wherever we go. So we made Amy—long may she reign—our queen, and granted her the power to see the magic in the world.”

  I looked at my sister, who nodded. “I knew you were hanging out with an invisible blue orangutan. I just knew it! You lied to me!” Then she looked at Dodger and shyly said, “Um, hello.”

  Dodger grinned sheepishly and said, “Hi, Amy.”

  “Hey, I didn’t exactly lie,” I said. “Technically, he’s a chimpanzee.” She still looked hurt, so I continued. “But I’m sorry I didn’t trust you, Amy.”

  She ran over and hugged me, then stepped away. “All right,” she said. “What are we all standing around for? We’ve got a forest to save!” Then we all sat down in a big cir
cle and got to work.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  The Big Meeting

  WHEN AMY AND I got home several hours later, we woke up our mom, who was totally fine—although I have noticed she’s been spending a lot of time looking at shoe catalogs lately. Then we sat down to make some more plans for the big city council meeting. In fact, Lizzie, Amy, and I spent basically every free moment for the next few weeks working on our presentation—with the student council during the days, and with our magical friends after school. Then, finally, the big day came. I could hardly sit still in class, and it looked like Mrs. Starsky was having the same problem. She kept asking us over and over, “Are you sure you’re ready? And do you promise you won’t cause another big scene like you did with the mayor? Because I’m telling you, we just can’t have that again.”

  I looked her right in the eye and said, “We’re ready.” I didn’t promise not to cause a big scene, because frankly, I thought that would be one promise I would have to break.

  My parents drove Amy and me to Town Hall for the meeting. I was all dressed up in my only suit. I hadn’t worn it since my cousin Theresa’s wedding the year before, and the arms and legs had gotten kind of short on me. But Dad’s book said it was important to dress up if you wanted the “people in suits” to take you seriously. Lizzie was already at the front of the big room when we got there, setting up her laptop for the very special slide show we’d been working on. If the leprechauns and Rodger did their jobs when the time came, that slide show was going to be amazing.

  The mayor was near the front of the room, too, chatting with Mr. Beeks. They were smiling at each other nonstop, and there was lots of backslapping and handshaking going on. It looked like they thought the building project was a done deal. But we had other ideas.

  The hall filled up shockingly fast. All of the student council members were there with their parents, and so were a whole bunch of reporters and a lot of other grown-ups. Lizzie and Rodger had written a couple of letters to the newspapers, and Mrs. Starsky had put one of them in our school’s monthly newsletter. Apparently, adults really read that stuff, because they were showing up in droves. There were also dozens of leprechauns around the room. Some were sitting on light fixtures, some were perched on the balcony railings, and some were just standing around. Even the Great Lasorda was in the room, wearing his most sparkling golden outfit.