Two Loves and One Decision

by LeLa Summers

Joshua tried to look for a little light from the bus depot but he must have went to far back in the preserves, the minutes felt like hours and he was cold just has fast as he took off his shirt. He laid straight on the ground catching his breath and just then he heard his mother scream. “Jeff No! Jeff No!” and then all of a sudden he heard two gunshots and then silence. Joshua ran with so much force toward the gun shots, his heart beating so fast that he could feel it outside of his chest; still not able to yell for fear of his dad he listened out for his mother and Rebecca but he heard nothing except for the footsteps of his dad and suddenly he kneeled down on the grown listening to the steps not knowing if they were headed towards him or another direction, Joshua skin was full of sweat and dirt, his heart racing so fast that he started breathing out of sequence to his normal breathing. His stomach was nervous and his head was hurting from the fear of not yelling for help. He wanted to call out for help, he wanted his mother, he wanted to yell for her and his sister but he was scared. The foot steps finally stopped and Joshua stopped moving, he never felt so alone; the feeling was worst than looking under his bed for monster at night. The feeling was beyond fear, it was now emptiness. Joshua began to whimper and that small sound allowed his dad to shoot out in that direction. “You can’t run from me boy!” Joshua started to crawl away from the sounds of the bullets still crying he felt his skin being torn by the branches and rocks on the ground. “Get back here!” Joshua started to hear more foot steps and then yelling. The words were not of his dad which brought relief to him. “Put down your gun this is the police”. Joshua heard foot steps in all directions. He knew he was safe but he couldn’t go back, he couldn’t face to see his dad or live with his anger. Joshua ran the opposite direction of the foot steps of his heroes until he got to a road that was on the other side of the preserves and has he ran he could hear his dad yelling profanity toward the officers and yet he didn’t hear the voice of his mother or sister. He knew it was not good, he knew that he would never see them again. “Josh man! What’s new bro”? “Huh…uhhhh... I”. Josh said startled. “Dude what’s going on, you look like you seen a ghost”. It was his buddy Dan. Josh didn’t realize he was still in the park still standing in the same place Clarrisa left him at but to him he still stood in that forest preserve that night. “Josh bud! Snap out of it”. Dan said as he started to snap his fingers. “Sorry I saw Clarrisa and her sister not to long ago”. Josh said coming back into existence. “Ohhhhhh! Say no more my friend, dude when are you gonna get over her, she’s ruining your life, your not hanging out anymore I haven’t seen you around the office and we haven’t played basketball in three weeks”. Dan said steadying himself on his roller blades. “Guy I am sorry but I just been busy”. Josh said as he got back on his bike. “Yeah Right! Busy in the house crying the blues, look we’re going out tonight, you need to take the edge off guy; I’ll pick you up at eight”. Dan said as he rollerbladed off. “But I don’t want to go out”. Josh said as he yelled out to Dan. “At eight!” Dan yelled back and disappeared in the crowd of people in the park. How in the world could he enjoy his self when the woman of his dreams keeps running out on him? He knew all he had to do was to accept her beliefs in God and work through it and get counseling but that was just not an option for him, he grew up without the love of his mother and the friendship of his sister, his challenges of being all alone was finally nestled within him until his adoptive parents loved him beyond his pain, they wouldn’t allow any hurt to enter into his heart even if it meant no more praying, it just didn’t work for him, all that praying for nothing; everyday on his knees believing with a big heart and to go through a life so messed up with no hope; no way a eight year old child wants to go through that, it was no way he will relive it. He didn’t want to give up on the woman of his dreams but what about what he wanted, he wanted to bury his past and not relive it, it just have to be another way. He decided he would go visit Dr. Nichols again, hey why not, the first visit wasn’t that bad, he already expose the truth that he was adopted by a family in another state and any form of contact with any family member was absolutely gone, as far as he knew there was no more family left, he had no idea of what happened to his dad, he never even went to his mother or sister funeral but I guess the child welfare office thought it might be to much for an eight year old child and they would be right, when he got adopted out by his parents, they took extra precautions on what he would watch on television, where he would go and who was in his life. Clearly they protected him at all measure from all the turmoil that he went through and that even meant going to church and praying. It was many times that he would ease drop late at night after his adoptive parents would put him to bed and he would listen in on the conversation between his adoptive parents and their parents at the top of the stairs, it was an on going battle to the end but in the end his adoptive parents won. He could still hear the conversation. “Sweetheart this is not natural for you to keep the boy away from his past and away from church, he needs to understand who God is and he needs to get over this horrific ordeal that he has been through, I taught you better than this, you yourself grew up with pray and God, now how can you deny that to Joshua and I know you want to do the right thing but this is just wrong dear”. Grandma said as she reached for tissue that she had in her purse. “Mom, this is the best thing for Joshua, we have gone over this a dozen times, Joshua was a wreck when he came here, he couldn’t sleep, sometimes we would find him curled up in a closet or under his bed, he wouldn’t eat, he was scared to go to school because he didn’t know if his dad would some how find him and now since we have been able to keep him from everything that reminds him of the past, he has come around wonderfully. My mom said smiling. “But pray and church honey that’s a bit too much”. Grandma said as she lifted her coffee cup up to drink. “Mom we’ve tried, it’s not like we didn’t care, we tried everything that we could think of to see if he would at least pray but he refused, he said it reminded him of his mother and sister and why put him through that torture, so we decided to let him make that decision on his own and if that means keeping him out of church then that’s what we’re willing to do. “ Oh dear, what a mistake your making but I can’t do anything, I am but the grandmother”. Mom would take a sigh of relieve and the expression that she had on her face said that she finally won an agreement. “Thanks Mom and you’ll see it will work out”. “Of course it will dear even if I have to pray about it myself!” Grandma said. Joshua knew his adoptive mom was only concerned and he loved his adoptive grandmother but he had to side with his adoptive mom, he just couldn’t bare praying or going to church besides all it did was the opposite of what he wanted and what’s worst, God took his sister and mother, why bother to believe if things like that would happen. Josh made a promise to himself that he would not bring up his past in any way at all and that meant hiding it from the woman he loved.

  SESSION TWO WITH THE PSYCH

  Josh made an emergency appointment with Dr. Nichols and decided to try to be a little bit more open minded about his past; however he knew it wouldn’t be easy and he knew it still would take time. “Josh, I’m glad that you came back, there so much we need to talk about”. Dr. Nichols said as he gave Josh a firm handshake. “Dr.Nichols I’m still not fully comfortable in talking about my past but I gotta start some where, I saw my ex-fiancé over the weekend and all those emotions just floated to the top, she still makes my heart leap, which sounds corny but its true”. Josh said as he put his head between his hands. “Well Josh it’s only been three weeks, you can’t expect feelings just to go away that fast. Now have you given any more thought in letting her know that you were adopted and maybe then she will try to work with you in your building a solid relationship with her”? Josh took a deep breath and sighed. “Doc, I can’t do that”. “Why can’t you Josh”. Josh didn’t like where this conversation was leading to, he took a great deal of care in hiding his pain and now a complete stranger is trying to dig it all up. “Listen doc I have my reason and right now I thoug
ht I could talk about it but now that I am here I just can’t”. “ Josh, let me just say this, I got a date in an hour and I have been trying to date this wonderful lady for about seven months, so unless your willing to break some walls today, this is going to have to continue Tuesday”. Dr. Nichols said with a half smile. “Are you serious, hey? I am the client, your not suppose to talk to me that way, I’m paying you a nice piece of change buddy, show a little respect”. “Josh, you called me on an emergency right when I was going to shine the beamer, so actually this is on the house”. “Oh, well...come on Doc have a little compassion will you”. Josh said as he got up furiously. “You got ten minutes Josh”. Dr. Nichols said as he looked at his watch. “This is crazy; I can’t believe this, is this even legal!” “Oh it’s legal”. Dr. Nichols said as he started putting back Josh file. “Fine, Fine….I…I’m adopted because I …I was abandon”. Josh said as he threw his body back