The Ambassador

by Sam Merwin

gave a number in a low voice.

  She pushed some sort of signal button several times, then swore andsaid, "Better not sleep now, boss. We're cut off."

  It brought him to with a start. "What do you mean?" he asked.

  "Somebody or something is jamming our communicator."

  She opened a concealed cabinet, apparently part of the bathroom wall,drew from it a couple of light but deadly looking blasters, and tossedone onto the contour chair in front of him. "You know how to work one ofthese things?" she asked.

  "Better drop the weapons," a quiet voice said from the doorway behindthem. "You haven't got a chance."

  The speaker wore the light blue tunicall that was the summer uniform ofthe Army of the Republic of North America. His cap and shoulder-boardswere bright with silver lace and he held a singularly ugly littleautomatic weapon cradled across one forearm.

  Nina and Lindsay dropped their weapons. But the girl's back was up. Herslanting eyes crackled green fire as she said, "What right have youbastards got to come busting in here without a warrant?"

  "Sorry," said the officer with chilling courtesy. "As it happens we dohave a warrant. Remember, Miss Beckwith, this cottage is not UnitedWorld's soil." He tossed an official looking document which Nina caught,motioned a couple of his men to pick up her weapons.

  "All right," she said after scanning the warrant. "What do you want?"

  "Ambassador Lindsay," was the reply. "We have been ordered to ensurethat no harm comes to him while he is on American soil."

  "I can read!" snapped the girl. "There's going to be hell to pay overthis." Then, to Lindsay, "We can't stop them now but they can't holdyou. _I_ can see to that. Just try to keep your big dumb blundering selfout of any extra trouble till we can take steps--will you promise methat, boss?"

  "I'll try," said Lindsay.

  * * * * *

  They took him to Washington--or rather to Sherwood Forest, in Annapolis,where the summer White House sprawled over and beneath its landscapedacres. To a man from Mars it was very green, very lush, very beautiful.

  Lindsay's first impression of famed President Giovannini was that thefamous elected leader of the North American Republic was composed mostlyof secretaries. But at last one of them--the seventh or eighth--saidgravely, "If you'll just step this way, please," to Lindsay and motionedfor the Army officer to remain where he was. He was admitted to thebathroom of the man who had sent for him so summarily.

  The president proved to be unexpectedly like some of the governors ofLindsay's home planet--incisive, unaffected, easily articulate.Physically he was stocky, of middle height, with a round, firmly fleshedsensitive face. He wore huaraches and bright blue shorts, no glasses ordistortion harness.

  He waved Lindsay to a contour chair beside his own, said, "Sorry I hadto have you hauled here this way. I was afraid you'd get killed if Ididn't. Do you have any idea of the uproar you've caused in the past twodays, young man?"

  Lindsay, somewhat taken aback by the president's abruptness, said,"Well, I knew some small groups were upset but...."

  "Take a look," the president told him, waving toward a quartet of vidarscreens on the wall. Over one of them was the legend, New Orleans, overanother, New York, over a third, Los Angeles, over the fourth, Chicago."Those are live shots," Giovannini added.

  Lindsay was appalled. Each of them showed rioting crowds and defensivepolice action; the commentaries cried their confusion. However, theMartian got the drift quickly enough. Apparently his recent activitieshad driven the neurotic Earthlings to violence.

  There appeared to be two chief factions. One of them, smashing andswarming and screaming its outrage, was demanding the abolishment ofcomputer government. The other, equally violent and even more numerous,was after a villain named Zalen Lindsay.

  Seeing that Lindsay was beginning to understand what was happening, thepresident pressed a button that turned off all the vidar screens andvoices. He said, "I could switch to any of our other cities--to citiesin South America, India, Western Europe, England. They're especiallybitter toward you in England."

  "I'm beginning to accept the fact--if not to understand," said Lindsay.

  The president said, "Lindsay, from the point of view of your planet youhave done nothing improper. But from the point of view of thisplanet...." He let silence and a shrug of thick shoulders finish thesentence.

  "I had no idea," Lindsay began, "that conditions on Earth...." He lethis own voice trail off.

  Giovannini finished it for him. "You had no idea people on Earth were sodamned neurotic," he said, and sighed. Then, "Lindsay--call me Johnny,will you? All my friends do--Lindsay, for generations now people by andlarge have been forfeiting confidence in themselves to confidence incomputers.

  "They have had good reason. Computer judgment has been responsible forthe first true age of world peace in history. It may not be healthy butit's a damn sight healthier than war. And it has transformed thisrepublic from an unwieldy group of states into a controlled anarchy thatcan be run by pushbuttons under ordinary conditions."

  He paused while the Martian lit a cigarette, then went on with, "Thanksfirst to Sylac, then to Elsac, we learned that Vermont was happiestunder its Town Meeting method, North Carolina needed its oligarchy,while my native state, California, is much better off divided in two.Texas became happy with its triple legislature--they never are happyunless they have a little more of everything down there. It was the samein other countries--Canada, South America, Spain...."

  "And England?" Lindsay said softly.

  The president sighed again. "England," he admitted, "is a bit of aproblem--out of all proportion to its size and current importance. Butthe British are stubborn about their institutions. They've hung onto aRoyal Family a hundred years longer than anyone else. We can hardlyexpect them to give up their beloved socialism so soon."

  "Just as long as Mars is not expected to pay for this indulgence, it'squite all right with my people," Lindsay told him.

  "What's _your_ first name--Zalen?" the president asked. "Well, Zalen, Iknow it's a problem but we all have to give a little or crowd somebodyout. Zalen, people are getting killed on account of you right now."

  "I've nearly been killed a couple of times myself."

  "I know. Regrettable," said Giovannini. "The UW crowd never hasunderstood security. That's why I had to kidnap you, Zalen. Couldn'thave you killed, you know. Not now anyway."

  "Glad you feel that way, Johnny." Lindsay told him drily. "But hasn't itoccurred to you that if people here are so easily set off it might be agood idea to knock out this computer business once and for all?"

  The president puffed on his cigarette. Then he said, "Zale, twenty yearsago, maybe even ten, it could have been done. Now it's too late. Whichis why the ninety-billion-dollar investment in Giac. We've got to givethem an absolute computer, one that will remove forever the basicdistrust of computer judgment that underlies the neuroses you justmentioned."

  "Quite possibly," said Lindsay. "But I haven't actually done a damnedthing myself to undermine computer judgment. The mistakes have been madeby the so-called experts who have fed their machines inadequateinformation. Those mistakes were infantile. They suggest some sort ofneurosis on the part of the feeders. They could be mistake-prone, youknow."

  President Giovannini chuckled again. "Of course they're mistake-prone,Zalen," he said. "Some of them, anyway. And it's getting worse. That'sthe real reason for Giac. Wait'll you see it!"

  "You think I'm going to be around that long, Johnny?" Lindsay asked. "Iunderstand I'm to be sent back to Mars--if I live that long."

  "No, Lindsay, we need you--I'll explain in a moment. And we aren't goingto let you die and become a martyr for generations of anti-computerites.We can't have that now, can we?"

  "I'll go along with you on it," said Lindsay, wondering what thepresident was leading up to.

  "Good!" The president beamed at him. "Zalen--I want _you_ to be thefirst person to put Giac through a public test. That's ho
w much I trustthat machine. I want you, the man who has fouled up two computers,including Elsac, to try her out."

  * * * * *

  And Lindsay could only nod. The governors of Mars might not approve butafter the uproar he had caused on this mission they could hardly object.President Giovannini's scheme was fully up to that renowned statesman'sreputation for political astuteness. The more Lindsay thought it overthe more beautiful was its simplicity.

  Mere word that he was to conduct the first public test would quell therioting. And unless Lindsay could show this mightiest of all symboliclogic computers to be fallible, computer rule would be entrenched onEarth as never before.

  But what if, in some way, he succeeded in confounding the computer?Lindsay shuddered as he thought of the rioting he had so recentlywitnessed on the vidar-screens.

  His face must have revealed his distress for the president said, "You'reworn out, Zalen. Can't have that, you know. Not with the big test comingtomorrow."

  Lindsay barely remembered leaving the president and being led to asleeping chamber somewhere in the vast mansion. When he woke up it wasdark and Nina was perched on the edge of his contour couch, lookingunexpectedly demure in a grey bolo with white collar and cuffs.

  He said, as articulate as usual when she surprised him, "Hi."

  "About time you woke up," she said. "Do you know you snore?"

  "I can't help it," he told her. Then, coming fully awake, "How the devildid you get _here_?"

  "I walked," she informed him succinctly. She stood up, her magnificentfigure silhouetted against the light. "Better get dressed--your duds areover there." She nodded toward a walldrobe. "I'll wait in the bathroom."She breezed out.

  When he looked at the clothing he was to wear he sensed that Nina hadselected it for him. It was a little brighter in color, a little moredaring in cut, than what he would have picked for himself.

  Nina was placing jewels carefully in her hair, which she had released toform a sleek halo around her magnificent head, when he entered thebathroom. A small palisade of glittering jeweled hairpins protruded fromher mouth. She had shed her demure bolo and stood revealed in glitteringblack bodice-bra and evening skirt-clout.

  After placing the last jewel in her hair she swung about and said,"There--how do I look?"

  "Gorgeous," he told her.

  "You look a bit dull," she said. She dug a box out of a travel-bagplaced in a corner of the room. "Here," she said. "Put this on--leftside."

  "This" proved to be a magnificent sunburst decoration, a glitteringdiamond-encrusted star. He said, "What is it?"

  "Grand Order of the United Worlds--a fine diplomat you are! I picked itup for you this afternoon before flying here. Just stick it on...." Shecame over, took it from him, pressed it firmly against his bolo till thesuction grips caught hold.

  He put his arms around her. She let him hold her a moment, then pushedclear in the immemorial gesture of women dressed for a party who do notwant to have their grooming mussed. "Not now," she said. "We'll haveplenty of time."

  "Not for what's worrying _me_," he said. "Nina, I've got to put Giacthrough its paces in front of the whole world tomorrow. And I don't knowwhat to ask it. I've got a blind spot where symbolic logic isconcerned."

  "Don't fret yourself," said the girl calmly. "I'm not worried about_you_. Not after what you've managed to do to all the other computersyou've faced. Come on--we're having dinner with the president."

  "Who the hell _are_ you anyway?" he asked her bluntly. "You don't evenlook the same."

  She laughed. "I should _hope_ not," she told him. "After all, I couldhardly grace the president's table as a mere UW secretary--_or_ as a NewOrleans top model. Come on!"

  He went--and got his second shock when President Giovannini greeted Ninawith a manner as close to obsequiousness as that professionallyfree-and-easy politician could muster. He said, "My dear MissNorstadt-Ramirez. I do hope you'll forgive me for ordering such summaryaction this morning. If I'd had the slightest idea...."

  "I was boiling," Nina told him. "I was just about ready to orderAetnapolitan to pull the props out from under you when the riotsstarted. Then I blessed your shiny little head and came up here."

  "I am honored," said the president.

  * * * * *

  Lindsay, walking through the proceedings in a fog, was even more laconicthan a clipped British envoy who, along with a recovered SenatorAnderson, was a member of the party.

  "Don't take it so hard," Anderson whispered. "Nina is just about thebest-kept secret in this hemisphere. If I weren't one of the few who'sbeen in on it all along...." He shrugged eloquently.

  Lindsay said nothing. He couldn't. So Nina--his fresh slatternlysecretary, the courtesan of the world capital--was also CoraninaNorstadt-Ramirez, the heiress who owned almost half of Earth!

  He felt like a quadruply-plated idiot. He knew aboutNorstadt-Ramirez--who didn't, whether on Earth or Mars or thespace-stations circling Venus while that planet's atmosphere was beingartificially altered to make it fit for human habitation?

  She was a fantastic glamorous lady of mystery, the ultimate heiress, theyoung woman to whom inexorably, thanks to North America's matriarchalera during the twentieth century, the control of most of its mightiestcorporations and trust funds had descended.

  And she was Lindsay's secretary. No wonder, he thought miserably, shehad never sounded quite sincere about calling him boss. Why, shevirtually owned his home planet as well. He watched her covertly acrossthe table, poised, amused, alert, occasionally witty--and so damnablyattractive. He wished he were dead.

  She caught his regard, scowled and stuck her tongue out at him. Hethought. _Why, you little...!_

  Somehow she got them out of the chatter after dinner, got him back tohis suite. There, regarding him sternly, she said, "Zale, you aren'tgoing to be stuffy about this, are you?"

  "I can't help it," he replied. "If you'd only told me...."

  He read sympathy in her green eyes. But she merely shrugged and said,"Result of a lifetime of keeping myself under wraps." She sat on acontour chair, patted a place for him alongside.

  She said, "I'm the richest single person there has ever been--you knowthat. It isn't my fault. It just happened. I didn't deserve or want orneed it. But it is a hell of a responsibility. Since I'm responsible forso much it seemed important to me to know how people felt. After all weact because we feel. And thanks to a few good friends like FernandoAnderson I've been able to get away with it."

  "Why me?" he asked her. "Why pick on me?"

  Her expression softened. One of her hands crept into his. "One of thenicest things about you, Zale, is the fact that you don't realise justhow special you are."

  "I'm not so special on Mars," he told her.

  "No?" Her eyebrows rose delightfully. "A quarter of a billion Martiansselect you as their first Plenipotentiary to the UW and you're notspecial? Zale, you're an absolute woolly lamb.

  "There's more to it than that. I've never been to Mars. I should have,but I simply haven't had the time. So I decided the best way to find outabout Mars at second hand was to work with you in some capacity thatwould let you be yourself."

  "A filthy, underhanded, thoroughly feminine trick," he said gently andkissed her. Then, frowning into her green eyes, "But why are you so deadset against computer judgment?"

  "Isn't it obvious?" she asked. "I've got a tremendous stake in thisworld. Kicking around it as I have I've been able to see what ishappening. I'm damned if I'm going to have my property managed and runby a bunch of people who make mistakes because they're too neurotic tomake decisions. Look at them!" Her voice became edged with disgust.

  Lindsay said, "I see. Listen, honey, I'd like to sleep with youtonight."

  She looked surprised but not displeased by his bluntness. "Of course,darling," she told him.

  "How much will it cost me?" he asked her.

  She froze--then her eyes began to fill and she sniffled. He said,
"Youknow I didn't mean that. Dammit, I just wanted to show you you're aneurotic yourself."

  She slapped him hard enough to tilt him off the contour chair. She rosehaughtily, still sniffing. Lindsay stretched out a hand and caught oneof her ankles and tripped her up. She tottered, gave vent to a startled,"_Awk!_", fell backward into the pool-tub.

  He dived in after her, caught her when she came up, spluttering, grippedher shoulders hard. Her eyes blazed green fire at him. She said, "How_dare_ you do that to me, you moron!"

  He said, "If I hadn't I'd probably never have seen you again."

  She collapsed into his arms.

  Later--much later--as Nina was about to leave him for her own suite, heasked, "Honeycomb, what did you lose that caused Fernando to give youthat necklace?"

  "I nearly lost you," she replied from the doorway. "I bet him Mariawouldn't get you that night. And