A Heart Worth Mending

by Amanda Canham

  ‘I wasn’t prying.’

  ‘Yes, you were.’

  ‘I was merely being polite.’

  ‘Really? You asked if it was my ex twice. Don’t tell me you’re not fishing?’

  ‘I’m not! But, geez, whatever, it’s not why I came here,’ he told her, running a hand through his hair.

  She knew she was coming across as a bitch, but it was better than the alternative. The only way she was getting through each day was by pretending she was normal, by acting like she hadn’t lost the single most important person in her life.

  Starting the new job had been a blessing. But if anyone here found out, if they started treating her the way her friends had... It didn’t bear thinking about.

  ‘Okay, look, sorry, I didn’t mean to give you a hard time,’ Kelli offered him a small, let’s-make-peace smile, which he returned, though his eyes remained wary. ‘So, what was it you came by for?’ she asked.

  ‘I just wanted to check on how you went downstairs.’

  ‘Downstairs?’ Kelli asked, confused for a moment. ‘You mean with the cardiac patient?’

  ‘Yeah. Were you able to sort him out?’

  ‘Yes. As you suggested, I had Jenny organise a portable study for him, and his OSA was severe in REM sleep. They were planning to intubate anyway, but I’ve organised an auto-titration device for his post-op care. I’d like to repeat the diagnostic test in about a month to see if it has improved with the presumed improvement in his heart function.’

  ‘Excellent, sounds like you’ve been very thorough.’

  ‘Just doing my job,’ Kelli answered, but she was unable to keep the note of pride out of her voice. ‘And the patient was nice. It’s so much more helpful when the patient wants to be treated.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘There just seems to be a certain percentage of the population in denial about their sleep disorders, don’t you think? Or they may be aware they’ve got a problem but just ignore the fact that there are consequences to not treating their disorder?’

  ‘You’re going to find that in every field of medicine.’

  ‘Maybe, but it seems to be more prevalent in sleep than in the general medical population. I think it’s harder for them to believe they have a medical problem when they’re asleep when it happens. I know a lot of illnesses can seem invisible, but with some patients it really feels like I’m fighting an uphill battle.’

  ‘CPAP therapy is a lot of work, and there are a lot of psychological issues related to wearing a mask to bed every night. It’s not as easy as popping a pill.’

  ‘Maybe that’s it. I just…I can’t help feeling like a failure when a patient with severe OSA refuses treatment.’

  ‘You can’t force people to comply with therapy, you know. And it’s not a reflection on you when they don’t.’

  ‘I suppose,’ Kelli sighed, trying to push away the maudlin thoughts.

  Travis stood from his perch on her desk, and she thought he was going to leave, but then he sat back down, tapping his fingers on the desk top. Kelli raised a querying eyebrow towards him.

  ‘There was actually one other thing I wanted to talk about,’ he ran a clearly nervous hand through his hair, his eyes on the floor. His hesitancy, so at odds with his normal brash confidence, drew her attention.

  ‘Is this about you and Dr Thomas?’

  His head whipped up. ‘What? No! What do you know?’

  ‘There’s something to know?’

  ‘No. There’s not…well l, nothing important, at least.’

  ‘Really?’ Kelli leaned back in her seat, her arms folded across her chest, settling in to wait him out.

  ‘It’s ancient history.’

  ‘Does it involve Sammy?’ Kelli had spent the night imagining all sorts of scenarios involving the three of them. Especially after the respiratory nurses had giggled like a bunch of school girls when she’d told them she was consulting with Dr Thomas. And, okay, so the cardiologist was a spunk. But seriously, he had nothing on Travis.

  Maybe something she should keep to herself.

  ‘Who?’

  ‘You know, scientist Sammy, who was in the office with me yesterday?’

  Travis squinted, clearly trying to recall the woman. His eyes widened a moment later and she knew he’d put a face to the name. ‘No chance,’ he said with a laugh. ‘And I don’t really want to talk about Thomas. I’d much rather clear the air about us.’

  ‘What us? There is no us,’ Kelli denied instantly.

  ‘I just meant… Look, before you come to the party tomorrow -’

  ‘Wait. Are you going to Ana’s party too?’

  ‘Well it is at my house.’

  ‘But why? Oh.’ It felt like the bottom fell out of Kelli’s stomach at the realisation. No wonder he wanted to clarify certain issues before she attended. ‘Ana’s your…She’s your…’ But she couldn’t get the words past the knot of revulsion in her throat.

  ‘Sister.’

  ‘Ah.’ Thank goodness! Kelli almost wilted with relief. Not that anything had happened between them, or would, but the idea that he was involved didn’t sit right with her.

  ‘Exactly. And look, I thought I should warn you,’ he paused dropping his eyes briefly to the ground before looking back up. ‘I think she’s trying to set us up. She’s got it into her head we’d make a good match and…’ He trailed off, keeping his face forward, eyes trained on the ground again.

  ‘Oh,’ Kelli answered, his meaning sinking in.

  ‘Yeah,’ he met her eyes momentarily, his face contorted in a pained grimace. ‘Anyway, I just wanted to make sure we’re on the same page about what happened. The other day. At the beach,’ he continued staccato fashion, his eyes focused on the ground at his feet, his toe almost putting a hole in the carpet with his useless digging.

  There was something about seeing this side of him that warmed her on the inside, and she couldn’t help but tease. ‘When you hit on me?’

  ‘Nooo,’ Travis’ eyes flicked straight to hers, a smile twitching around his lips when he read the humour in hers. ‘I thought we’d talk about how you hit on me.’

  ‘I did not hit on you!’ She exclaimed, tempted to smack him on the arm for his gall. But that would involve touching him, and then maybe curving her hand around his bicep and running it upwards…her pulse pounded at the thoughts and she hurriedly blinked them away. When she opened her eyes again, his winsome smile had grown even brighter.

  Damn! The butterflies went off in her stomach again.

  ‘No? Ah, that’s right, I just thought you were hitting on me. Clearly you find me hideously unattractive and it was a terrible mistake on my part.’

  Kelli couldn’t help but laugh at his self-mockery. ‘You did try and kiss me. That counts as “hitting on”,’ she reminded him.

  ‘Not when it’s invited,’ he answered quickly.

  ‘I didn’t—’

  ‘But you did,’ he insisted, raising a finger, pointing it towards her lips. ‘These, right here, when they part. Just…like…this.’ He traced the outline of them in the air. Kelli could barely breathe. The tip of his finger was only centimetres from her lips. They began to tingle, craving his touch.

  ‘This…is...an…invitation,’ he whispered, almost as breathless as she was. His gaze moved from her lips, locking with her eyes, and all the simmering desire from the beach was still there.

  He was going to kiss her. Here. Now. In her office. At work.

  She was going to let him.

  But he didn’t. Somehow, he pulled back, straightened his shoulders, the finger that had been so close to her lips now tracing invisible patterns on his leg.

  ‘Anyway, I thought maybe it would be best if we could put it behind us. Pretend it never happened.’

  She’d decided the same thing, so why she felt a stab of disappointment slice through her at his words, she wasn’t sure. But she ignored it and forced a smile.

  ‘Already there.’

  He arched a do
ubtful eyebrow at her.

  ‘I am. Pretty much,’ she backed down slightly with a shrug of her shoulder.

  ‘Well, as long as we’re on the same page. Because I’d, ah, really appreciate it if you didn’t mention anything about it to Ana. If she found out, I’m not sure there’d be any stopping her—’

  ‘It’s fine. I won’t be telling anyone,’ Kelli assured him.

  ‘Excellent,’ he smiled but he still looked a little nervous.

  ‘Maybe you should spit it out,’ Kelli suggested, when it became clear he had something else to say.

  ‘I just want to make sure you don’t feel any pressure to come to the party. I know what Ana’s like. She can be very…persuasive is the nicest way to say it. Bullying might be another.’ The words were harsh, but his indulgent smile made his affection for his sister clear. ‘She can come across rather forceful, but I promise she won’t hold a grudge if you decide not to go.’

  ‘Don’t you want me there?’ Another stab of disappointment pierced her stomach as she tried to read between his lines. It wasn’t that she actually wanted to go to the party. For goodness sake, she’d just been trying to think of a way to get out of it.

  But now she knew he was going. That it was his house.

  That kind of changed things. It shouldn’t. But it did.

  ‘No. No. That’s not what I meant. I want you. To come,’ a delicate pink flush started to creep up his throat as he struggled with the words, ‘to the party,’ he added in a rush. ‘Come to the party. If you want—,’ he broke off again, running a hand through his hair. She couldn’t tell if he was embarrassed or frustrated, or as turned on as she was.

  ‘I just know Ana can be rather persistent, and I didn’t want you to think you had to come. To the party.’

  ‘A little late for that,’ Kelli quipped. She was feeling the teensiest bit giddy inside - from relief of course. But it made her smile brighter than she intended.

  He stared at her for a minute, his jaw a little slack, and Kelli couldn’t help the flush of pleasure, knowing she’d put that look on his face.

  ‘Exactly,’ he agreed, matching her smile, and Kelli felt her own tummy go whoosh. ‘That’s why I’m here, telling you to ignore the pressure, and just come if you actually want to.’

  Chapter 3

  Kelli leaned forward and hesitated, her finger hovering above the doorbell. Maybe she shouldn’t have come tonight. She’d made the decision after one lust-filled moment of weakness yesterday. But that moment had passed and now she was filled with dread and nerves. Was it too late to go home?

  She cast a yearning look over her shoulder, towards the street and her Nissan Patrol. Fool that she was she’d texted Ana back after Travis’ little visit to her office and told the woman she would come tonight. Never one to go back on her word, she was now stuck here for at least an hour. It would be impolite to leave sooner.

  Oh, well, there was nothing left to do but get the torture over with as fast as she could. She leaned forward, this time without hesitation, and pressed the doorbell.

  At least there was one positive to coming tonight. At lunch on Sunday she could tell her mother- without lying- that she’d been to a party on Friday. Her mum would be pleased she’d been out “moving on” with her life. It might give her a reprieve from the continual "encouragement" that she see a counsellor, that she open up and talk about her grief.

  Kelli would talk if, and when, she wanted to.

  Besides, her mother was wrong. It wasn’t grief keeping her silent. It was guilt.

  A shiver raced through Kelli, and she pulled her lime green cardigan tighter around her fitted, white spandex dress. She rocked back and forth, from the balls to the heels of her feet as she waited for someone to answer the door. Maybe she had the wrong house.

  She was in the process of opening her white clutch, searching for her phone in order to check the address when the front door swung inwards.

  Travis stood in the door frame, his body outlined by the light, his own phone clutched to his ear, a welcoming smile frozen in place as his eyes swept an encompassing glance over her. Her skin sizzled under his appreciative gaze, desire flaring in the blue depths as his eyes clung to her rounded curves.

  ‘Bad time?’ Kelli asked, ignoring the fluttery sensations skimming across her skin beneath that gaze.

  ‘One moment,’ he mouthed, holding up a finger to indicate she should wait. He stepped back into the house, wandering in circles inside the entrance. She forced her eyes to the ground, though they kept stealing looks back at him, engrossed with the way his dark sweater moulded to the curves of his shoulders, the tight pull of his jeans around his backside.

  ‘Hey, mate, I’m going to have to go. I’ll call you in the morning, yeah?’ he said into the phone, his voice soft, almost tender.

  Kelli tried not to listen in to his half of the conversation, but she had about as much success with that as she had not watching him. In other words, she failed miserably at both.

  He paused, listening intently to whatever the other person said. ‘Ah, all right, good luck with the game. Why don’t you text me when you finish and I’ll give you a call?’Kelli couldn’t help it. Her curiosity was aroused. It sounded like he’d been talking to a friend, but what type of “mate” would he need to talk to every day?

  ‘All right, I’ll talk to you then. Goodnight matey.’

  So consumed was she with her thoughts, she didn’t realise he’d hung up the phone until he was standing in front of her, leaning against the doorjamb like some sort of GQ model.

  ‘You came,’ he smiled down at her and her heart melted, just a little bit.

  Okay, so there were two good things about coming to this party. ‘That I did,’ Kelli answered when she’d regained enough breath to speak. She tried to return the smile but she was too nervous. ‘Have I got the wrong day?’ she asked, pointedly looking past him to the darkened, empty house.

  ‘Party’s out the back.’ He pointed towards the side of the house. Kelli turned, following the line of his finger. Sure enough there was a sign taped to the white wood-panelled wall with a red arrow, and the words “Party this way”.

  Could she be more of an idiot?

  ‘Oh, sorry. I missed it.’

  ‘No harm. I was just chatting. I should be getting back to it anyway. Otherwise Ana will have my head.’

  ‘Sure,’ Kelli laughed, her embarrassment at the faux pas easing with his casual manner. She stepped backwards, down off the raised veranda of the renovated Queenslander and onto the paved footpath. He followed her, pulling the door shut behind him.

  ‘Who were you talking to?’ Kelli held a hand to her head to mime talking on the phone.

  ‘Just now?’ He clarified, clearly buying time.

  She rolled her eyes at the pretence. ‘No, a week ago. Of course now. You sounded…intimate, though it didn’t sound like you were talking to a woman. I thought maybe it was your lover.’

  ‘You think I’m gay?’ he stopped walking to stare at her in disbelief.

  ‘No…Yes…I don’t know. I don’t really know you.’

  ‘I guess that’s true,’ he replied. ‘Maybe we should do something about that.’ He threw her a sidelong look as he started walking down the path again.

  A zing of warmth zapped through Kelli.

  ‘Well, you know where to start,’ she said, but he still didn’t answer straight away. It was almost like he was weighing it up, deciding how much to tell her. They walked in silence while he thought, their arms almost brushing as they passed the newly flowering dahlias.

  The scent lingered in the air, adding a bitter sweetness to the night. Late summer had always been Jimmy’s favourite time of year.

  But she’d promised herself she wouldn’t think about Jimmy tonight. It was why she was here at the party, rather than home wallowing in the memories.

  ‘Son. I was talking to my son,’ Travis finally told her, his words coming out in a rush.

  ‘You have a son?’ she e
choed, surprised. Of all the things she’d suspected, this was not one of them. ‘Why isn’t he…?’ But she trailed off as snippets of the gossip she’d heard this week came back to haunt her.

  ‘He lives in Sydney with his mum.’

  ‘That must be hard.’

  ‘Yeah, that’s one word for it,’ he said with a bitter little laugh, kicking uselessly at the path beneath them.

  ‘Was it your choice?’ she asked softly.

  ‘My choice? To have my son move to another state?’

  ‘Sorry. That was a bit insensitive. I didn’t know if maybe you’d moved here.’

  ‘No. They moved away.’

  She wanted to ask him more; to probe into the pain so near the surface but they’d reached the cast-iron gate separating the front yard from the back. He stretched his arm in front of her, unlatching the gate.

  Vibrations from soft music and chatter grew louder as they stepped past the hedge-covered divide. There were a few familiar faces in the crowd. Kelli nodded a greeting to a couple of the nurses from the respiratory ward as Travis led her through the thick of it.

  ‘How did things go with your narcoleptic patient? Did you suspend her license?’ he asked once they were through, making it clear the topic of his son was well and truly closed.

  ‘I had no choice,’ Kelli shrugged. ‘I couldn’t start her on the meds yet because her toxicology screen wasn’t back. She wasn’t happy, but,’ Kelli shrugged, still disturbed by the incident.

  ‘There’s not much else you can do.’

  ‘That’s right. I’ve got her coming back in on Monday. The results should be in by then, and I can start her on some Modafinil.’

  ‘You’re doing everything you can, Kelli.’

  ‘Maybe,’ she sighed, and another time, another place, where everything she’d done hadn’t been enough flashed before her eyes. She was back at Condamine Gorge, the mid-summer sun hot as it beat down on them, the rocks grey, the leaves on the trees a dry, pale green.

  ‘You made it!’

  Ana’s delighted, high-pitched squeal cut through her growing turmoil, and Kelli turned with relief to the younger woman a moment before she ploughed into her, arms enveloping her in an enormous bear hug.