Board Stiff

by Piers Anthony

  “Well, I’m walking away,” Ease said.

  “Lotsa luck,” the giant murmured.

  Ease started walking. Right back into the cave.

  So it was like that. Astrid shook her head, bemused, and followed. Kandy was coming to like her as she saw her sensible reactions.

  Back in the central nexus the monitor had been repaired. HOW DID YOU BASH ME?

  “With my trusty board,” Ease said, brandishing it. “And if you don’t let us go, I’ll do it again.”

  STUPID MAN IS UNABLE TO STRIKE.

  Ease stood still, unable to move.

  But Com Pewter still didn’t know about Kandy. STRIKE! she ordered.

  Ease struck. But before the board could connect, a man stepped in from the shadow and caught it in his hand. Where had he come from? He seemed to be an android, a somewhat mechanical man, with visible links at his elbows and knees.

  In fact he was an android. Because he was holding her board, Kandy was able to tell something about him. There was no person there, just the automaton. A machine animated by Pewter. It was just standing there, protecting the monitor.

  WHAT POWER IS BYPASSING MY CONTROL?

  Now Ease had to answer. “I don’t know.”

  The screen oriented on Astrid. WHAT DO YOU KNOW OF THIS?

  That put the basilisk on the spot. Astrid knew about Kandy.

  “The board has a will of its own,” Astrid said.

  That was true, as far as it went. Would Pewter be satisfied?

  The screen addressed Ease. WHAT IS YOUR QUEST?

  Pewter was satisfied. Kandy was relieved. She appreciated Astrid’s simplification, preserving Kandy’s secret, such as it was.

  “I have to save the puns,” Ease said.

  WHAT PUNS?

  “All puns. A virus is destroying them.”

  A VIRUS! The screen looked shocked.

  Then Kandy realized that Com Pewter himself was a pun. Their Quest should really interest him. Was that good or bad?

  YOU MUST COMPLETE THIS QUEST

  “Well, actually I’m not partial to puns--”

  MAN REALIZES HE LOVES PUNS

  “Then again, they do pretty much define Xanth, so we’d better keep them.”

  YOUR MISSION IS INADEQUATE. AN IGNORANT MAN AND A BASILISK IN HUMAN FORM WILL NOT ACCOMPLISH MUCH. YOU NEED HELP.

  “We need help,” Ease agreed

  SO I WILL JOIN YOUR PARTY.

  Ease looked at the screen. “How? You can’t walk or talk.”

  The android moved. “In my android format,” he said. His blank screen face animated, becoming a smiley-face. “I will park my cave data for the duration.”

  “I don’t know—”

  “Man changes mind,” Pewter said.

  “Why we didn’t think of this before,” Ease concluded.

  Kandy wasn’t sure about this either, but preferred to stay out of it lest Pewter catch on to her nature and change her mind too.

  So it was up to Astrid to make the objections. “The Good Magician set up this Quest. If you take it over, it may mess it up so that we fail.”

  Pewter considered, his smiley face becoming thoughtful. “The Good Magician is grouchy, but he generally knows what he is doing. So I will join the Quest as a Companion, assisting without interfering.”

  “How can you do that?”

  “I have installed my fatherboard in the android host so that my essence is here.”

  “Fatherboard?”

  “My girlfriend Com Passion has a motherboard; I have a fatherboard, of course.”

  “Point made. But what I meant was, how can you accompany us without constantly interfering? It’s your nature.”

  “The same way you do: by following the protagonist’s lead and helping to guarantee his safety.”

  “Guarantee his safety? How can you do that in a way I can’t?”

  “Myriad ways, Basilisk. When a threat comes you can stare it into submission. That’s limited. I can change reality in the vicinity so that the threat abates without even becoming threatening. That’s far less limited.”

  Astrid nodded. “Excellent point. But it would be better if you assumed a better human likeness.”

  If Pewter was annoyed, he didn’t show it. “How so?”

  “For one thing, you should coordinate your screen mouth with your speech, so it is not obvious that you are not actually talking with your mouth.”

  “Excellent point,” Pewter said, his face mouth now moving with his speech.

  “And you should mask or change your visible joint bolts.”

  “Bolts disappear,” Pewter said, and they did. He looked significantly more human.

  “And--” Astrid hesitated.

  “What, Basilisk?”

  “You should stop calling me that. It is true; I am a basilisk in human garb. But it is better to conceal my nature from strangers, or I will be less effective as a bodyguard. So you should refer to me as Astrid, and look at me as if I were a real woman.”

  “I will do that,” Pewter said. “Actually your form is impressively human, not that I care about that sort of thing.”

  “And I will treat you as if you are a real man, not that I have the slightest interest. But there is one more thing.”

  “What thing?”

  “You will have to stop changing reality against our will. Ease and I need to function as ourselves. You should change reality only when we ask you to.”

  “Astrid changes mind,” Pewter said. Her expression changed.

  Kandy had to act. She prompted Ease.

  “Nuh-uh,” Ease said. “None of that.”

  “Cancel,” Pewter muttered. Astrid’s expression reverted to its prior setting. “Got it. Use my power only when necessary or requested.”

  Kandy realized that this was actually working out. But there was more. She prompted Ease.”

  “Something else,” Ease said. “You’re a pun, Com Pewter. Where we’re going, puns are in danger. You need to protect yourself from the virus.”

  “I hate viruses,” Pewter agreed. “But I can’t counter it without knowing its type. So I will build an invisible firewall around us all.”

  “We don’t want to burn!” Ease protested.

  “Figurative, simpleton. It means a barrier that viruses can’t get through. It won’t eliminate the viruses, but it will prevent them from reaching us. That will ensure my survival when we encounter the pun-killing virus.”

  Ease evidently didn’t know what the term “simpleton” meant, so didn’t argue. “Do it, cartoon face.” Or did he? He was picking up more of her thoughts, and in effect she was upgrading his intellect. Something she probably couldn’t have done if she had retained her real form.

  The android fetched papers filled with obscure printed 0 and 1 symbols, placed them in a circle around the three of them (Kandy of course didn’t count), and spoke a fiery spell. The papers burst into flame that rose up in a circular wall around them, then merged above them. They were in a blazing hemisphere of light. This was of course the firewall.

  Pewter snapped his fingers, and the light faded.

  “But it’s gone,” Astrid said.

  “It remains,” Pewter said. “I merely rendered it invisible. Regular folk won’t be aware of it at all. It affects only viruses.”

  “What about below ground?”

  Pewter considered. “That might be regarded as a trapdoor. The pun virus shouldn’t be able to get through there.”

  Kandy wondered, but let it be. Pewter surely had some expertise in viruses.

  “Good enough,” Ease agreed. “Let’s be on our way.”

  “Where are we going?” Astrid asked.

  “Wherever it was we were going before we got sidetracked here,” Ease said.

  Astrid didn’t argue the case. Neither did Kandy. Where they were going was largely random.

  They walked back out of the cave. “Hey, Giant!” Pewter called. “We’re leaving the cave in your charge. Try not to step on it.”
<
br />   “What about web cams?” the Giant called from far above. Evidently he had recovered form Astrid’s stare.

  “Watch them all you want. Just don’t let anyone intrude in the cave.”

  Kandy wondered what a web cam was, but wouldn’t have asked even if she had been able to do so directly. She suspected it had something to do with sneak peaks at young women. The giant was male, after all.

  They started walking away from the cave. Then a sequin on Astrid’s dress snagged on a section of brush and dropped to the ground. Her dress turned translucent.

  “Really impressively human,” Pewter said. “I think I am coming to appreciate the power of panties.”

  Astrid looked down. “Oops.”

  “But why has your dress faded?” Pewter asked.

  “These are Sequins of Events,” she explained. “Each time one falls off, my wardrobe malfunctions, and when we put it back on, we suffer a new Event. That’s how we came to your cave. It was an Event. Now we’re in for another.”

  “That is interesting magic. The action of the sequins may not be random, since one brought you to me. We should consider this?”

  “I need to get that sequin back on my dress before Ease’s eyeballs glaze.”

  The android glanced at Ease. “Point taken. But plunging into an unknown Event without preparation is dangerous. What other aspects of your Quest should I know about so that I can act sensibly?”

  He did have a point. MAYBE WE SHOULD TELL PEWTER ABOUT ME, Kandy thought to Astrid. PRIVATELY.

  Astrid nodded. “Come here,” she told Pewter.

  Pewter approached her. She whispered in his ear. Ease paid no attention; his eyes were locked on Astrid’s vaguely visible panties. He had not quite freaked out, but was getting there.

  Then Pewter nodded. “Ease sleeps,” he said.

  Ease lay down where he was, beside the sequin, and closed his eyes. In less than a moment, hardly more than an instant, he was asleep. Kandy reverted to her ghost form.

  “Pewter, I need your guarantee of silence on what I am about to show you,” Astrid said.

  “You have already shown me enough,” Pewter said. “I repeat: I appreciate its perfection, but it is not the sort of thing I crave to handle.”

  “Not my body. Something else.”

  “Is it relevant to the quest?”

  “Yes.”

  “Then I will keep your secret.”

  “Good enough. Look at Ease’s board.”

  “I don’t like that board. It whacked my monitor.”

  “Look more carefully.”

  The android did. Kandy focused on becoming visible. “That’s odd. It’s not exactly a board. It’s a—a transformed woman.”

  “Hello, Pewter,” Kandy said. “I’m sorry I had to bash your monitor.”

  “And she talks,” Pewter said.

  “I am Irrelevant Kandy. I made a wish, but was transformed into a board,” Kandy said. “I return to my own form when my companion sleeps. Until I can escape this curse, I prefer to remain anonymous. I can direct the blows the board strikes so that they score, and I can project my thoughts when I try. I am Astrid’s friend. I try to guide Ease when he needs it.”

  “That accounts for his occasional intelligence,” Pewter agreed. “I might be able to nullify the spell on you, if you prefer. However that nullification would remain in force only when you are in my vicinity.”

  “Yes. For now it seems best for me to remain a board. But we thought it wise for you to know my nature, in case things become complicated in the course of the Quest.”

  “It is wise,” Pewter agreed. “I will act with your best interests in mind, as part of the quest.”

  “Thank you.”

  The android glanced down at Ease. “Ease wakes.”

  Ease woke. His eyes saw the translucent dress and started to go vague again.

  “Now I think we can replace the sequin,” Astrid said.

  “Of course.” Pewter picked up the sequin and fastened it to her dress, not suffering any of the distraction Ease had.

  The dress immediately went opaque, and the scene changed.

  Chapter 4:

  Islands

  “The events are definitely relevant,” Pewter said. “I feel the strong magic of both Sequin and Dress, locked in so that I can’t change its reality even on a spot basis. But I do know that we must fathom the relevance of each Event to our Quest before moving on to the next. The relevance of the prior Event was in adding me to the Quest.”

  “That’s good to know,” Astrid said. “Now please let go.”

  Pewter dropped the section of dress he had been holding to replace the sequin. His fascination had been with the dress rather than her form, in contrast to Ease’s attention. “So let’s see what we have here.”

  They looked around. They were on an island, one of several. It was pretty, with a sandy beach, pleasant foliage, handsome trees, and a tall tower.

  “Help!” It was the voice of an innocent maiden in distress.

  They looked. There was a maiden in a turret atop the tower. She was waving a hankie and calling to them.

  “A damsel in distress!” Ease said, interested.

  “We’re not here to rescue damsels,” Pewter said.

  “How do you know?” Astrid asked.

  That set Pewter back. “This is not my home environment. I do not know. I had better Goggle it.”

  “Do what?” Astrid asked.

  “Tune in to the Outernet Search Engine, Goggle. It has many answers.”

  “Ask it where the anti-virus solution is,” Ease said.

  “It doesn’t answer that kind of question; it’s too serious. It’s Goggle, not Giggle. Goggle is for superficial questions.”

  “Hilarious,” Astrid said, clearly not amused.

  “Give me a moment to connect.” Pewter froze in place. Exactly one moment later he unfroze. “Goggle says damsels in distress should be promptly eyed and rescued.”

  “We might almost have come up with that answer ourselves,” Astrid said sourly. “But you say this is relevant to our Quest?”

  “I don’t know. Only that this Event is relevant. Rescuing a damsel may or may not relate.”

  “Help! Please!” the maiden called.

  Astrid sighed, echoing Kandy’s sentiment. Neither of them were enthused about adding more pretty maidens to their party. “So we’ll rescue her and send her on her way.”

  They walked toward the tower. It was a good ten times the height of a man; obviously the maiden could not just jump to the ground. The round wall of the tower was featureless; it was not possible to climb it.

  “Hello, Distressed Damsel,” Ease called. “Who are you and what do you want?”

  “Hello, Handsome Man!” she answered. “I am Tiara and I want to be rescued from this elevated dungeon. I would be most grateful.”

  She surely would. That was the problem. But how could they turn her down?

  Astrid glanced at the board, obviously sharing the sentiment.

  “Perhaps she knows something useful,” Pewter said. “We had better get on with it.”

  “How?” Ease asked. “I can make things easy, but I have to know what I’m doing. I have no idea about this.”

  “Fortunately I do,” Pewter said. “There is obviously an access so that her captor can bring her food, water, and remove wastes. There will be a tight spiral stairway inside the tower. We will access it.”

  “But there’s no door!”

  “No visible door,” Pewter said. “Masking illusion is the simplest of spells; I can undo it without vacating the firewall.” He went to the featureless base of the tower. “Illusion vacates.”

  The featureless wall dissipated, revealing rough stone with a door inset. Pewter did know that he was doing.

  “But it’s locked,” Ease said.

  “Lock unlocks.”

  There was a click as the lock unlocked. Then the door swung open to reveal the tight spiral stairway.

  Kandy was
really coming to appreciate Pewter’s ability to spot change local reality.

  “Well, let’s go,” Ease said. Then he had a cautionary notion. “But suppose there are scorpions or things on the stairs?”

  “I will go first,” Astrid said. “I will reason with any dangerous creatures that may lurk.” She touched her dark glasses meaningfully.

  Kandy was also coming to appreciate the basilisk’s qualities.

  Astrid entered the tower first, and started up the staircase. Ease followed, and Pewter was third.

  “But it’s dark,” Ease said.

  “Dark stones glow,” Pewter said, and suddenly there was comfortable light. They could see the steps clearly.

  In barely more than a moment Astrid was on a coil of the spiral above Ease. Her marvelous legs under her dress showed plainly in the glow, all the way up to her glossy gray panties.

  Ease started to glance up.

  EYES FRONT!

  His eyes returned to the steps immediately ahead. Kandy had just saved him from a terminal freakout. He really did need her guidance.

  “Good job,” Pewter murmured. He knew what she had done. He might not be subject to panty freaks himself, but he knew that regular men were.

  They proceeded up the stairway to the top. There was another locked door. “Door unlocks,” Pewter said, and it was so.

  Astrid opened it and stepped out onto the turret. “Hello, Tiara,” she said. “I am Astrid, part of your rescue party.”

  The girl, thrilled, hugged her. Kandy saw the sequins jiggle, but fortunately none fell off.

  Ease was next to arrive. “I am Ease, your rescuer.”

  “Thank you so much, Ease!” Tiara hugged him too, to his obvious enjoyment.

  “And I am Pewter, completing the party,” Pewter said. “No need to hug me.”

  They were in a small but neat round chamber with a bunk bed, table, chair, storage box, and windows. They sat on the bed while Tiara took the chair. She was indeed a pretty girl, with nice features in a nice print dress, large blue eyes, a cherry mouth, poised, except for one thing: her fair hair was wild. It looked as if it had a completely unruly will of its own that no brush or comb could conquer.

  “So how come you’re locked up here?” Ease asked. “You a captive elf or something?