Board Stiff

by Piers Anthony

  “Hide as long as you can, for what little that’s worth.”

  “And there we have it,” Grey said. “We shall need to come up with something very special to have even the slightest chance to save ourselves, let alone rescue any centaurs. Let’s return to our pondering.” He walked away.

  “Metria, why have you elected to be so helpful?” Mitch asked.

  “Because your Quest has gotten really interesting, and I want to see it move on to the following mysteries. You’ll never get there on your own.” Then the demoness dissolved into a ball of smoke, floated to Tiara’s head, and infused her hair, which became absolutely neat again.

  “Which leaves us in a picklement,” Mitch said. “The Captain refuses to do the sensible thing and flee back to Xanth, so we are all doomed unless we figure out a way to stop a scorned Demoness.”

  “I wonder,” Astrid said. “If the Demon Xanth married a mortal girl, there must be some appeal to mortality, even for Demons. I wonder what it is?”

  “It’s their souls,” Pewter said. “Demons are souls of a sort, but don’t have souls. Human souls are fresh and new and strong, and D/d demons are fascinated by them. Metria married a mortal man. But souls are also severely limiting for demons, so they are cautious.”

  “Souls,” Astrid repeated. “Exactly who has them?”

  “Human folk, or part human folk,” Pewter said.

  “I am an animal. So I don’t have a soul?”

  “That is correct. Neither do I, because I am a machine.”

  “Where in a person is the soul?”

  “In the Soul-R-Plexus, of course, the center of the body.”

  “Is there any way for a non-human to acquire a soul?”

  “Yes. Jumper Spider acquired one via his prolonged close and intimate association with several humans. But the easier way is simply to marry a human. Then you will get half his soul.”

  Astrid smiled sadly. “If only I could do that.”

  “Your body and personality are more than adequate to attract a man. You merely have to discover a way to be close to a man without killing him.”

  Astrid returned to the subject. “So is there any chance the Demoness Fornax would be romantically interested in a mortal man, such as Mitch or Ease?”

  “No!” Tiara cried in emotional pain. Kandy understood exactly how she felt.

  “There is a chance,” Pewter agreed. “But so small as to be inconsequential.”

  “Still, that’s better than outright doom. Maybe some other man aboard this ship.”

  “Grey Murphy is already married,” Pewter said.

  “Do Demons care about that?”

  “Probably not,” Pewter said. “That is, not about mortal marriages. Marriage to a Demon would be another matter.”

  “Someone needs to sacrifice himself,” Grey said. “I will do it.”

  “Captain, you can’t,” Mitch said. “The mission needs you.”

  “Then I need a volunteer.”

  Oh, no! There was a protocol. Kandy saw it coming and couldn’t prevent it.

  “I volunteer,” Ease said. “As First Officer the security of the ship is my prime concern. Beam me down. I will distract Fornax while you land on the opposite side of the planet, rescue the centaurs, and take off. Then you can beam me back up.”

  “That may be a considerable challenge,” Grey said.

  “My talent is to make things easy. I can do this.”

  “A Demoness is far beyond your talent.”

  “We’ll come too,” Princess Melody said.

  “Hidden,” Harmony agreed.

  “As buttons,” Rhythm concluded.

  The three vanished. Ease’s shiny jacket buttons expanded slightly.

  “Very good, Ease,” the Captain said gravely.

  In no more than a moment and a half, Ease was in the beaming station and reforming on the ground below. He landed in a centaur paradise of open meadows and flowering trees. There was a localized rain shower, but a convenient paved walk circled around it so that no centaur needed to get wet. There were nicely kept stalls pleasantly spaced, stocked with all manner of foodstuffs and beverages, none of them remotely punnish. Healthy centaurs worked in the fields, harvesting fruits, vegetables, grains, and gathering stones to build stalls and rushes for plaiting into roofs.

  “I’m not a centaur,” Ease said. “But this seems idyllic.”

  “It’s all illusion,” the top button said. “In reality, this is a barren plain, with emaciated centaurs laboring in chains to break rocks.”

  “Because this is a mining operation, for rare earths,” the second button continued.

  “So the Demoness Fornax can make a better interface between her and normal matter, so she won’t go up in smoke,” the third button concluded.

  Kandy concluded that she liked having the three princesses along. They were a useful source of information.

  But Ease, being a typical male, believed mostly in what he saw. “I wouldn’t mind living in a place like this. Especially if my dream girl was along.”

  “Well now,” a dulcet voice said. “What a handsome man.”

  Ease turned. There was a lovely bare woman. She had luxurious midnight hair to her slender waist, dark eyes, and a cute face. Kandy was amazed: this was herself! Ease would have freaked out had she been wearing panties; as it was he was in an instant chronic daze. “Who are you?”

  “Don’t you recognize me? I am your dream girl.” She did a slow pirouette that nudged him dangerously close to freak-out.

  Kandy realized that Demoness had read his typically male mind, and picked up that memory. She had mixed feelings about that. She did look pretty impressive from this perspective. She was glad that he had picked up on her assets. But to have someone else steal them to impress him annoyed her.

  “My dream girl!” he exclaimed, amazed. “But that’s impossible! She comes to me only in my sleep.”

  That was only the half of it, Kandy thought. If only it could be her real body addressing him in this manner, instead of her remaining the board.

  “That is true on Xanth,” the woman said. “But this is Alpha. Different rules obtain.”

  “Different rules?” he asked blankly.

  “I could not come to you openly in Xanth, because it is not my dominion. But Alpha is halfway neutral territory, at least for a while. Come to me in my own domain, and our love will be complete.”

  Then Kandy was sure. Fornax, faking a familiar form!

  “Fornax!” Ease echoed.

  “Of course. Now at last you know the identity of your dream girl.”

  That was a bare naked lie. Kandy was his dream girl. But she couldn’t clarify that without giving away her presence to the Demoness, who must have been so sure of her power that she never checked the buttons or board. But what did she want with Ease?

  “I don’t get it,” Ease said. “Exactly why couldn’t you come to me outside your domain? What’s yours?”

  “Mine is Fornax Galaxy, of course. It consists of contraterrene matter, otherwise known as antimatter, CT for short. It is the exact opposite of terrene matter, with positrons instead of electrons, and--” She broke off, seeing his blank look, then tried again. “When terrene and contraterrene matters meet, they destroy each other in total conversion of mass to energy. This complicates social interaction. So I had to come to you in your sleep, so that we could interact without destroying each other. But here on neutral ground we can interact. Come love me at last, you handsome man.”

  CAUTION. Kandy hoped the Demoness would not pick up on her warning to Ease.

  “You’re a Demoness, but you want a mortal man?”

  “A handsome mortal man. Let me show you how wonderful it can be.” She approached him, lips pursed.

  But he was understandably wary. “What do you really want?”

  “Apart from your love? It would help if you signaled your ship that it’s safe to land, so that everyone can enjoy this perfect place, as the centaurs do now. But right now le
t’s forget all that and enjoy our love.”

  Ease was sorely tempted; Kandy could tell. But he also knew that a Demoness was unlikely to have a simple romantic interest in an ordinary lout like him. “I don’t know.”

  Fornax sighed, in the process doing fetching things with her bosom. “Oh, I have been naughty to tease you so at night in Xanth. I should be punished. Spank me.”

  “Spank you?”

  “Spank me,” she repeated firmly, presenting her shapely bare bottom. “Then forgive me so we can make phenomenal love.”

  He lifted the board, clearly intrigued by more than punishment. “Well, if you insist.”

  “Oh, yes! Lay one on me, delightful man.”

  Ease swung the board tentatively. But Kandy enhanced its authority considerably, and she felt the magic of the three princesses magnifying the effect. The board accelerated savagely, striking the bare flesh with a flash like lightning and a clap like thunder. Smoke roiled out from the contact, and when it cleared there was a board-shaped scorch mark across the bottom.

  Well, now! Kandy was thrilled to have delivered such a blow to her own seeming body. It served the Demoness right for her identity theft.

  “Whoo!” Fornax exclaimed, pleased. “You’ll make some lover!”

  The Demoness liked it! That made Kandy wonder just what sort of a lover she was. Did she go for sado-masochism? That was interesting but scary. Ease could not afford to get involved with her.

  Then Fornax returned to business. “But before we take it to the next level, signal your ship. It’s wrong to deny your shipmates the pleasure of the planet.”

  DON’T SIGNAL Kandy thought. Because the ship would be vulnerable the moment it touched this enchanted world.

  “I don’t think I should do that,” Ease said doubtfully.

  “Pretty please with sugar on it? I’ll even throw in information relating to your Quest: about the five maidens with the wonderful hair.”

  “Five maidens?”

  “The Magician’s grandchildren you’re searching for. I will tell you where to find them, and how to invoke the merging spell.”

  “Oh, yes!” Ease agreed.

  Then the woman’s expression changed. “It’s down! On the far side! While you distracted me. I will make you pay, traitor!” Her lovely features began to change alarmingly. Fangs sprouted, and claws, and dragon-like wings. Those were the nicer features.

  “But isn’t that what you wanted?” Ease asked. “For the ship to land?”

  The Demoness considered for three fifths of a millisecond. “Yes! Now we’ll deal with it.” She reached out and hooked his arm with a talon.

  Then they were on the far side of the planet. It looked hideous, with barren craters and lava flows. There was the ship, with the crew talking with haggard centaurs. It was obvious that the centaurs had not been well treated, and needed to be rescued.

  “Gotcha!” Fornax cried. “You’re in my power at last. I’ll torture all of you until the ransom comes.”

  “Ransom?” Ease asked.

  “A Demon Point. You wouldn’t understand, lout.”

  Arnolde Centaur, the Magic Officer, gazed at her. “What is this? We merely came to rescue the centaur colonists. Who are you?”

  “I am Demoness Fornax, mistress of this sorry planet, you doddering fool. I set this trap so that I could gain a point on the Demon Xanth, who has interfered with me too often. Now join the chained creatures, since you are now of their number.”

  “I think not,” Arnolde said.

  “Are you completely senile, you ancient gelding? Move or be moved.”

  “Don’t aggravate her, Arnolde,” one of the chained centaurs said. “She’s merciless when provoked. We learned the hard way.”

  “She does not have the authority to do this,” Arnolde said. “This is not her planet or her galaxy.”

  “Listen, you flea-bitten nag,” Fornax said. “By the time any Demon of this galaxy catches on, I’ll have the bunch of you in my home galaxy where they have no power. Then you had better hope that Xanth ransoms you back promptly, because you will not be enjoying your stay with me.”

  “I think not,” Arnolde repeated.

  Kandy almost had to admire the old fool’s stance. He was not so old that he did not recognize the threat, yet he persisted.

  “That does it,” Fornax said. “I have lost my patience with your folly, cretin. Take that.” She raised her claws. Lightning magic streamed from them to strike the old centaur. Kandy winced as well as her wood allowed.

  The lighting surrounded Arnolde, illuminating him in silhouette. But he did not seem to be in pain. “Is that all you have, Demoness?” he asked.

  The others were astonished. So was Fornax. “You can’t be resisting my magic! You’re an inferior mortal!”

  “I am neither,” Arnolde said. “Now try this.” He gestured, and the lightning curled back on itself, reoriented, and shot back to surround Fornax, little bolts eagerly seeking her flesh.

  “This is impossible!” she protested, fending it off with her claws. “You can’t have Demon magic! Who are you?”

  “I’m so glad you finally asked,” the centaur said. Then he changed form, becoming a donkey-headed dragon. “I am Demon Xanth, and you are now in my power, Fornax. I have caught you messing with my creatures in my home galaxy, where my power is greater than yours.”

  Kandy and the others were awed. They were witnessing a Demon encounter! None of them had known that the Demon Xanth was hiding among them. His counter-trap had just worked, nabbing Fornax.

  “Oh bleep!” Fornax swore. “Now I’ll have to pay a Demon Point!”

  “At least,” Xanth said. “That will be negotiated by the Council of Demons, since there was no preliminary agreement on the terms of this encounter. Until then you will be remanded to your galaxy under supervised house arrest.”

  “What supervision?” she demanded. “The lout? I will corrupt him in seconds.” She resumed the form of the dream girl, complete with the welt on her lovely backside. Kandy had to admit it was a very shapely welt.

  “Not exactly,” Xanth said. “Princesses?”

  The three buttons on Ease’s jacket expanded rapidly, becoming the three princesses, fully clothed.

  “Yes, Demon Xanth, Melody said.

  “We volunteer,” Harmony added.

  “We always wanted to see the CT galaxy,” Rhythm concluded.

  “These three Sorceresses are under my protection, to be treated as honored guests for the duration,” Xanth said. “You will not soon be seducing or corrupting them, I think.”

  “She sure won’t,” Melody said grimly.

  “We’re not into dream girls,” Harmony agreed disgustedly.

  “But spanking her again might be fun,” Rhythm concluded zestfully.

  “Curses, foiled again,” Fornax muttered darkly.

  Then the Demoness and the three princesses disappeared. So did the donkey-headed dragon. Xanth had accomplished his purpose and moved on to other Demon business, such as negotiating Fornax’s penalty.

  “Well, now,” Captain Grey said. “It seems we can rescue you centaurs after all. I admit it was uncertain going there for a bit.”

  “If you please, Captain,” a centaur said. He was no longer in chains; they had vanished with the Demons. But he remained haggard. “We no longer need to be rescued. We prefer to remain here and make of this planet the paradise we had planned. It will be hard work, but we can do it.”

  “But it’s a desolate wasteland!” Grey protested. “You’re in no condition!”

  “Exactly,” the centaur replied. “But in time, with our attention, it will become a perfect centaur residence, and we shall be healthy again. We will enjoy the challenge, now that there is no malign Demon interference.”

  Grey was moved. “If that’s the way you want it, you shall have it. We’ll spend the night, then take off for home.”

  That was the way it was. The members of the Quest borrowed a vacant stall and settled down fo
r the night. Soon Ease was asleep, and Kandy appeared, ready to compare notes with the others, play chess with Pewter, and maybe tease Ease a bit more as his elusive dream girl.

  “What is that?” Astrid asked.

  That was when Kandy discovered the formidable shapely welt across her backside. It seemed the Demoness had left her a parting gift. “That bleep!” she swore.

  Chapter 8:

  Fornax

  In the morning they had come to an agreement: they would not make the tedious space journey back to Xanth, but jump to the new Event from here. It did not seem to make a difference where they were when they evoked a sequin, so why wait?

  Mitch approached Captain Grey to explain that they would be leaving. “But you’re part of this mission!” Grey protested. “We can’t strand you here with the centaurs!”

  The three princesses approached them. “They have special magic, Father,” Melody said. “They’re on their own Quest.”

  “That’s how they joined us,” Harmony added. “They weren’t part of this mission originally. They invoked a Sequin Event.”

  “And they can move on as readily,” Rhythm concluded. “They won’t be stranded here, and the original members they replaced will return to take their places with the mission.”

  Grey shook his head, bemused. “In that case, Daughters, I’ll let them be.” Then he did a double-take. “But aren’t you three in Fornax, supervising the Demoness while she’s under house arrest? What are you doing here?”

  “We are there,” Melody agreed.

  “But also here,” Harmony added. “To explain.”

  “We’re ad-hoc illusions,” Rhythm concluded.

  Then the three princesses vanished.

  Grey sighed. “I fear I’ll never truly understand teenagers.” He glanced at the Quest members. “I wish you the best in your next Event. I do appreciate your assistance here. If your Quest should ever take you to Castle Roogna, be sure to say hello. I’m sure King Ivy would love to hear your story.”

  “We will,” Mitch said. “Thank you for a most interesting Event.”

  Then they returned to the stall, where Tiara removed a sequin from Astrid’s dress, both men goggled at the resulting exposure and even Pewter seemed mildly interested, and replaced it.