Board Stiff

by Piers Anthony

  “Oh, bloop,” Mentia muttered as she disintegrated into smoke. That wasn’t exactly the word either, but it was also close. Obviously she could not directly oppose the far more powerful entity.

  Ease shook his head as if clearing it of dottle and resumed his march toward the pavilion. However the brief delay had enabled the first of the home party to catch up. Rather, the first three.

  “What’s this?” Princess Melody inquired, blocking the way ahead.

  “Why are you on this fell path?” Princess Harmony continued.

  “Leading toward a mysterious pavilion?” Princess Rhythm concluded.

  “I have to go somewhere,” Ease explained.

  “There’s nothing there you need,” Melody said.

  “It’s just the Demoness trying to tempt you away from your friends,” Harmony continued.

  “So she can subvert you,” Rhythm concluded.

  “Yes,” Ease agreed blissfully.

  The three princesses frowned in unison. This wasn’t working well.

  Kandy had an idea. MAYBE MENTIA CAN BE THE DREAM GIRL BACK AT THE CASTLE, she thought to Melody. After all, if her emulated body was to be used subversively, why not use it in a good cause?

  Melody nodded. “The demoness Mentia is intrigued by you,” she said.

  “She is slightly demented,” Harmony agreed.

  “And sexy as can be,” Rhythm concluded.

  That got his attention. He started to turn around. Mentia was silhouetted in the window of his room, slowly elaborating her curves.

  “Hey!” Fornax cried from the pavilion. “I’m just as intrigued, demented, and sexy as she is!”

  “And on the verge of violating your parole,” Melody called back.

  “You’re not supposed to leave the premises or interfere with the Quest,” Harmony added.

  “And if you do either, we’ll Tell,” Rhythm finished. Evidently the pavilion counted as an attachment to the castle, so she wasn’t in violation yet.

  “Oh, bleep it to bleep!” the Demoness swore, though not in exactly those words. The local foliage wilted and there was a smell of scorch.

  Meanwhile Astrid and Pewter had come up the path, carrying buckets of sand. “This way,” Astrid said. They led the way, with Ease following, and the three princesses bringing up the rear.

  Ease was on his way back, but the Demoness wasn’t through. She could not interfere directly, but this was her domain and there was plenty she could do indirectly.

  A dragon approached the path. It was huge and fiery. It fired a bolt of flame at them, but the bolt became a shower of sparks as it crossed the path. Kandy knew why: the dragon’s breath was CT, and when it encountered the terrene air of the path it converted to pure energy. Pewter, Astrid, and Ease walked on past it, Ease pausing only to make a small gesture with one finger that seemed to really annoy the dragon for some reason.

  A giant ogre appeared. It opened its horrendous mouth and chomped down on Ease. But its hugely mottled teeth melted into sparks as they came close, victims of the terrene air.

  But this ogre was not entirely stupid, which suggested it was a fake, because all true ogres were justifiably proud of their stupidity. It brought around a ham-fist holding a rock that aspired to be a small boulder. The rock was larger than Ease, so could probably annihilate him by merging with his body and exploding both into energy.

  Ease lifted his trusty board, ready to whack at the rock. This was foolish; the rock was far too big to knock out of there like a pebble. Also, what would happen to Kandy if she was forcefully smacked into CT stone? Would she explode into energy?

  NO!! she thought, two exclamations points strong.

  Ease changed his mind and dodged aside instead. The rock just missed him.

  Astrid turned and glanced at the ogre. It fell back, stunned, the rock dropping from its paw. It seemed that her glare worked regardless of the polarity of the subject. The group moved on.

  Now a sphinx appeared, lumbering forward so that its inertia would carry it across the path even if it got stunned. This looked like bad mischief.

  “Sphinx turns tail,” Pewter said. And of course the sphinx did. There was no pun virus here in the Fornax Galaxy, so Pewter could use his magic. This, too, seemed unaffected by CT.

  “Oh for bleep’s sake,” a voice muttered. It was Fornax, invisibly watching.

  “Now if we had any hint that the CT Demoness was behind any of this, we’d report it,” Melody remarked.

  “But we don’t actually have proof,” Harmony continued.

  “Yet,” Rhythm concluded.

  “Beware the stampede,” the Demoness’ voice said in a conversational tone.

  They heard a sound like distant but rapidly approaching thunder, and felt the ground shudder. Then they saw it: a herd of giant rhino-potta-phants charging toward the path. Astrid could not look at all of them at once, and Pewter would have trouble changing all their dull minds.

  But they were up to the challenge. Each person dipped out a handful of sand and as the vanguard of the stampede came, flung the sand at it. There was a spectacular display of energy as the sand struck skin and converted it to energy.

  The phants, blinded and burning, reared back, colliding with the ones behind them. Soon there was a phenomenal pileup of groaning behemoths.

  And the little group of people walked calmly on to the castle, unscathed.

  “Curses, foiled again!” But it wasn’t Fornax speaking, it was the princesses, each saying one of the words, mockingly. Kandy would have laughed, if she hadn’t been a board.

  They entered the castle, where they were met by Metria. “You made it!” she said. “I couldn’t help, because the Demoness banned all my alters from the path.”

  Pewter looked at her. “If Mentia’s posing in the window, and you’re here, who’s with Mitch and Tiara?”

  “Oops,” Metria said. “I must have fissioned into all three alters, and forgot this situation.”

  “Situation?” Astrid asked.

  “My third form is the child Woe Betide, captive of the Adult Conspiracy.”

  “And she’s with Mitch and Tiara?” Pewter asked sharply.

  “I must rescue her!”

  Then they heard a childish scream resounding throughout the castle.

  “Too late,” Pewter said.

  Metria vanished. The scream stopped in mid syllable.

  “What happened?” Astrid asked.

  “Metria went to merge with Woe Betide, eliminating her childish aspect,” Pewter said. “But be not concerned; the child remains to be evoked again at a more convenient time. Metria will erase her memory of the dread Conspiracy violation and she will be her sweet innocent self again.”

  “That’s a relief,” Astrid said. “I wouldn’t want a child hurt.”

  Kandy liked that about Astrid: she was one of the most deadly creatures of Xanth, yet she had human sensitivities. Maybe they came with the body, but Kandy thought there was a core of decency that evoked them.

  Meanwhile Ease had lost interest in the dialogue, if he had ever had any, and resumed his forging toward his room. The others let him be, knowing that Mentia might give him an insanely great experience but would not corrupt him to serve Fornax.

  Kandy, however, could not go elsewhere and tune it out. She was always with Ease, day and night. That was normally okay, but what about when a demoness seduced him? Kandy knew herself for a jealous female, but there it was: she couldn’t stand the notion. If anyone was going to seduce Ease, it should be her.

  Ease reached his room and slammed the door behind him. There was D. Mentia, looking every bit as seductive as she had in the window. “Well, now,” she said, floating across the floor and into his embrace. “How it is that you and I have not met before?”

  “I didn’t know you existed,” Ease said, enfolding her lush torso. He was still holding the board, but that didn’t seem to matter.

  “I am D. Mentia, the slightly crazy alter ego of D. Metria. I have no speech imped
iment, but I can be downright weird at times.” As she spoke she was running her hands over his body. “Have you ever done it upside down?”

  And Kandy couldn’t even complain, because the demoness was doing exactly what they had asked her to: distract Ease from the seduction of Demoness Fornax. She couldn’t renege now, lest he go back to Fornax. Kandy herself had suggested it. So what variety of lady dog was she being, resenting it?

  Now Ease was grabbing enthusiastic handfuls of Mentia’s all-too-willing body while she unbuttoned his shirt, kissing all the while. She was literally floating, making it a bit crazy already. Kandy gritted her wooden teeth, knowing she was stuck for it.

  “Well, now.”

  Ease and Mentia paused to look, startled. So did Kandy.

  It was the Demoness Fornax, using the likeness of Kandy’s body, nude. The welt on her backside still showed.

  “Uh-oh,” Mentia murmured.

  “Begone, again,” Fornax said. Mentia disappeared, her expression of regret lingering a quarter of a moment after.

  “I thought you couldn’t come in here,” Ease said, disgruntled, though his eyes were locked on the body. “So you lured me to the pavilion.”

  “This is my domain, my galaxy, my planet, and my castle,” Fornax said evenly. “I can be anywhere I want to be. I used the pavilion to separate you from your companions, so we would not be disturbed. But we can do it here readily enough.”

  “But what about the CT? I don’t want to get blasted into energy.”

  “I made this castle and its environs terrene,” Fornax said. “For your comfort. It was an effort I hope you appreciate. I am using a flexible superficial shield to prevent my substance from directly contacting the terrene substance. You will not be able to tell the difference.” She smiled. “As you can verify. Stroke me.” She proffered a marvelous breast.

  But Ease was belatedly learning caution. “You called me an oaf, before.”

  “Lout,” she corrected him. “I was annoyed at being denied the pleasure of your company.”

  “My company? I just wanted to get into your panties.”

  “Whatever. Panties would just get in the way.”

  “What do you want of me? Apart from whatever?”

  “We’ll get to that soon. Right now, let’s just enjoy the moment.” She took his hand, making it stroke her upper section. “See? No matter detonation.”

  He was obviously sorely tempted. But he struggled on. “I think I’d better know before whatever, because I won’t be able to think straight then.”

  “You can’t think straight now,” Fornax pointed out as she slid his hand down and around her body until it stroked the welt. That was, Kandy saw, absolutely no turn-off for him.

  “Just tell me,” he said desperately.

  She sighed, making her whole body quiver voluptuously. “If you insist. I want to recruit you to be my agent in the terrene realm. I have trouble interacting with creatures there, because of my CT nature. It’s complicated developing a CT shield every time. This makes bargaining for points awkward.”

  “Points?” His hand, guided by hers, was exploring points at the moment.

  “Demon points. They are the focus of Demon interactions. All else is dross.”

  “But I’m no Demon! I can’t--”

  “Nor do you need to be, sweet man. I merely need a terrene representative who will relay my messages to the others. That way I won’t have to armor myself against lethal contact. When I am forced to be so defensive, my powers are diminished until I’m hardly better than a little-d demon like your Mentia. I don’t like that, so prefer to remain here, where my powers are complete, and send word to you.”

  How would she send word, Kandy wondered.

  Ease picked up on that as his own thought. “But how would you tell me the messages?”

  “You will have a special high-power magic mirror equipped for intergalactic transmissions, tuned to you alone. To all others it will seem to be only inert glass. You won’t need to touch it, merely watch and listen to it.”

  “Watch and listen?”

  “I will appear to you like this,” she said, inhaling against him. “You alone will see and hear me. Such transmissions don’t evoke the CT detonation, fortunately. I can be extremely naughty in such a private show.” She rubbed suggestively against him.

  He was being persuaded. “Well--”

  “We can discuss the details anon.” She led him toward the bed.

  Kandy knew she had to act before all was lost. But how? She couldn’t do anything, just think to him, and he would not be amenable to any No notion now. He wanted to believe, thanks to Fornax’s suggestive campaign.

  Then she got an idea. Could it possibly work? She had never tried it before, never even thought to try it. But maybe, just maybe . . .

  Fornax had Ease down on the bed, lying on his back, and was working on his trousers. He was completely taken with her. Kandy could hardly blame him. The Demones’s seduction almost made her want it, and it had to be ten times as effective on a man. She had to act.

  SLEEP! Kandy thought.

  And Ease, lying down, slept, put down before he had a chance to question it. Her ploy had worked! Now the Demoness could not seduce him.

  “Now that is interesting,” Fornax said.

  Belatedly Kandy remembered the flaw in her plan. When Ease slept, Kandy reverted to her natural form. She was now exposed before the Demoness, with the man’s hand on her ankle. She couldn’t even try to escape, because the moment she lost contact she would be the inert board. She would have to brave it through, somehow.

  “Uh, hello,” she said. Would Fornax smite her to smithereens?

  “I thought his dream girl was all in his imagination,” Fornax said. “But you’re real, aren’t you? In fact you are the board.”

  “I am the board,” Kandy agreed. “I wished for adventure, excitement, and romance, and got transformed. I animate only when he sleeps.”

  “And I am animating a real woman.” Fornax reached out to touch her bottom, feeling the welt. “I thought I was sharing the scar with his imagination, so he could appreciate his mark on me.” Her mouth quirked. “I will remove it if you wish.”

  “That’s all right,” Kandy said. “It doesn’t hurt.”

  “Those occasional flashes of common sense he evinced—they were from you, sending him thoughts without his knowledge.”

  “Yes. He does not know about me. He thinks I come at night just to tease him.” Kandy grimaced, cursing herself for talking too much, but unable to stop. “It’s really myself I am teasing. I can’t do anything with him.”

  Fornax gazed thoughtfully at her. “It occurs to me that I may have sought the wrong person to recruit.”

  “Oh, please don’t go after Mitch! He doesn’t deserve that.”

  Fornax laughed musically. “I am thinking of you, Kandy. You have more sense than Ease does.”

  “Me!”

  “You know that I was seducing Ease merely to cement his allegiance to me. I can get plenty of boy-toys elsewhere; I don’t need him for that. I would not have to seduce you, merely persuade you. That’s less fuss. You would not be fascinated by every passing young pretty woman. You would not freak out when she flashed her panties. You would make a better representative.”

  Kandy could not get her mind around this astonishing notion. “But I’m a dream!”

  “And talking to your exact image. I shall be happy to give that back to you. Any anything else you might want. I can be generous, in return for loyalty.”

  “I’m not making any deal with you!”

  “Why not?”

  Kandy spluttered. “You’re the enemy!”

  Fornax shook her head. “I am no one’s enemy, merely a Demoness seeking to score points against others of my ilk. My concerns hardly overlap yours. All I want is a representative in your area of the universe. In return for this simple thing, that will harm no one you know, I can give you everything you ever wanted in your life. Will you not at
least consider it?”

  “No!”

  “Proffer me a sensible rather than an emotional reason, and I will let you be.”

  Kandy scrounged mentally for a moment, then had it. “The centaurs! You treated them abominably.”

  “I did not. I merely took over their colony planet, as a ploy to interfere with Xanth.”

  “They were starving!”

  “They refused to work when I took over, though I did not interfere in any way with their society. I merely cut off their communication with Xanth so that their hostage status would become evident. When they ran out of food, I provided replacements magically, but they refused to touch them. They were staging a de facto hunger strike. They could have prospered, but were amazingly obstinate about their freedom. Which they knew they would recover, once Xanth paid their ransom. I’m glad to be rid of them.”

  “They were chained!”

  “Not until the rescue ship arrived. Then I had to keep them under tighter control, for appearances.”

  Kandy disliked admitting that this was persuasive. “But when the rescue party landed, you said you would torture them all.”

  “A threat without substance. I was merely trying to cow them into submission.”

  “Then when Arnolde Centaur stood up to you, you developed fangs and claws and dragon wings.”

  “My warrior persona. I manifested it before I joined the centaurs, as you may remember. You will remember also that you had just walloped my backside, leaving a welt. There are protocols.”

  “I—I--” Kandy realized that the Demoness had a case. It was after all a valid offer. “How much time can I have to consider it?”

  “Shall we say a year? You can consult with your friends, and with the Demon Xanth. This can be an open public deal if you wish, though that might mark you among mortals in a way you would not like.”

  “I—I think I would prefer a private deal,” Kandy said. She had already had more than enough experience being marked for attention. “If I make it at all. Meanwhile I would rather have you entirely out of my life.”

  “Done,” Fornax said, and vanished.