Today's Edition
Page 11
Room S-4 sector. Everyone is welcome, and the audience is encouraged to participate in the festivities. Don't forget to bring a sparkling crown and multicolored raiment! Although the show is restricted to Gamma clearance citizens and above, a live feed streamed directly to your PA will be provided to all those able to pay a nominal access fee.
And now a word from our sponsors.
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The Color of the Patriot is doily.
Thank you for your time and attention, citizen. Remember, today is the same as any other! Greetings, and until next weekstretch.
Greetings, citizen, and welcome to Today's Edition (TM), the Bunker's most trustworthy source of news and current events!
And now our top stories this weekstretch.
Citizen Hillary Binzer, a field organizer in H&C and Epsilon clearance citizen, stands accused by her supervisor, Epsilon clearance citizen Marsha Wong, of willful destruction of evidence. The charges stem from the discovery of a suspicious and no doubt illegal tunnel in a disused shopping mall in H-11 sector. Several weekstretches ago, citizen Marsha directed her underling, citizen Hillary, and her team to dismantle the structure to make room for a new and badly needed shopping mall. After chasing out the surprised vendors and a hoard of stray shoppers, the tunnel was eventually uncovered behind a well-stocked vending machine and – much to everyone's horror – a poster of that fiendish master criminal, Barney Max. Unfortunately, further investigation of the mysterious tunnel and where it leads is no longer possible, as its entrance was subsequently destroyed by citizen Hillary and her team. Highly skilled agents are currently extracting verifiable and entirely truthful confessions from them now. Willful collusion with traitors has not been ruled out. Citizen Marsha Wong, currently under investigation for ordering the destruction of a suspicious and illegal tunnel in H-11 sector, is known to be hiding out in a Homeland Security interrogation chamber and therefore unavailable for comment.
In other news, several highly trusted citizens in A-1 sector were exposed to the harsh atmospheric conditions which prevail beyond the safety of our corridors after a portion of the Benjamin B. Netanyahu Plaza unexpectedly collapsed. Several highly trusted and extremely valuable Beta clearance citizens were lost to the disaster. Thurgood Nelson, Alpha clearance citizen and Grand Ayatollah of the Developmental Engineering conglomerate, nearly fell victim as well. Fortunately, he happened to be standing just outside the plaza near the emergency air lock activation console. Convinced that this was no accident, citizen Thurgood has since been out criss-crossing the Bunker, expounding to captivated audiences everywhere that the planetary conditions outside pose an existential threat to the Bunker. “Rather than seek to placate the forces of Nature, we should instead uproot and destroy them!” Citizen Thurgood's speeches have been unequivocally met with thunderous applause.
And now a word from our sponsors.
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And now a word from our sponsors.
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We would now like to draw your attention to the Bunker's emotionally powerful and riveting public service documentary, “What Would Carlton Smickett Say”? One of the perks reserved for Delta clearance citizens and above is the use of certain vehicles, such as steppods and scooters. Operators of these convenient and ingenious devices must obey speed limits and are strictly forbidden from entering the transtube. Be that as it may, they move considerably faster than unaided human traffic. Citizens are reminded that the Bunker's corridors serve everyone, from our most venerated, no-clearance citizens all the way up the chain to the very Alphas themselves. When you hear a movepod approaching, you are kindly requested to make room for it to pass. Throwing oneself under the wheels of a scooter out of spite is not only selfish and disloyal behavior but is an act likely to earn you a fine, jail sentence, and/or the status of immediate voluntary organ donor. Remember, part of living together is getting along together! That's surely what Carlton Smickett would say.
And now for some public service announcements.
Due to a temporary shortage of beryllium, fluorescent lamps will no longer be available for sale in supermarkets, vending machines, or other outlets. In addition, foundries and iron-ore furnaces in P&L contributing to the production of ballistic missiles, satellites, quibbles, and similar components for our aerospace industries may encounter difficulty obtaining the required raw materials. Existing work quotas will, however, remain in effect. Citizens are reminded they are expected to be resourceful (as well as law abiding) in the face of adversity.
And now a word from our sponsors.
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The Color of the Patriot is happy.
Thank you for your time and attention, citizen. Remember, today is the same as any other! Greetings, and until next weekstretch.
Attention all citizens! This is no doubt the Bunker's most dire hourstretch. An emergency of unprecedented proportions [[ DATA TRANSMISSION ERROR ]] and is unknown at this time. The fact that this broadcast is being made at all is a miracle.
Equipment malfunction is prevalent and increasingly dangerous. Life support systems in several sectors have gone offline. Doorways may no longer function, stranding vast numbers of citizens in tiny spaces. Seemingly innocuous, ordinary devices may now contain lethal electrical charges. Citizens are advised to use caution when touching anything. In many cases, standard means of communication have been rendered entirely useless. In addition, several instances have been reported of cybots running amok. Whether their programming has been scrambled due to the sudden surges in electrical output is unknown. The number of victims surely number in the thousands and is no doubt mounting even now.
The integrity of at least one plaza – the Sheldon G. Adelson Plaza C-9 sector – has been breached and an entire department exposed to the extreme conditions on the surface of the planet.
Information is increasingly difficult to come by. Most of our reporters have not been heard from since disaster struck. If you are even reading this issue of Today's Edition (TM), you can only consider yourself lucky.
Perhaps most importantly, Control's comforting presence, which we had all come to take for granted, appears to have been snatched away [[ BAD CHECKSUM ]] faulty security cameras. Mayhem and rioting have bee[[ BROKEN PIPE ]] R-13, T-6 through T-17, U-[[ DEAD OBJECT EXCEPTION ]] and will be punished to the full extent of the guidelines.
If anyone has any information about what caused this disaster and what we can possibly do about it, he or she is kindly requested t[[ OUT OF MEMORY ERROR ]]lay.
Citizens, never in the history of the Bunker has [[ CORE DUMP ]]
And now a word from our sponsors.
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