Find Me

by Tory Jane

  Merry Christmas, bestie. I love you. No worries and no fear! Enjoy yourself. Remember, it's not a competition. Jack can love you both.

  Ben bought me beautiful earrings for Christmas. WTF? He feels guilty about something. We need to talk.

  Wallace knows me too well. She also remembers what I told her during my temper tantrum, that I’ve heard rumors about Ben. Ben is a notoriously poor gift giver. Earrings would be a surprise. Please, let it all be rumors.

  The third is from Julia to both Wallace and me.

  Merry Christmas, my beautiful friends. I love you both.

  Then there is a photo of a spectacular square-cut diamond ring in a sleek, modern platinum setting that Peter must have custom designed for her.

  I said yes!!!

  Another photo of the two of them. A selfie of Julia and Peter, both grinning in pajamas, looking gorgeous and well-fucked.

  I respond quickly.

  Merry Christmas, indeed. Congratulations. The ring is magnificent. Peter has perfect taste—in women and in rings. You both look beautiful. Looks like it’s been another happy morning in the Carter-Heath household. ;-)

  How do I respond to Wallace?

  Merry Christmas, my friend. I love you, too. You know me too well. Enjoy the earrings. Maybe he went shopping with Jack or Peter? Please don't worry about anything. We'll talk soon.

  Then to Jack.

  Merry Christmas. You are the love of my life. I can’t believe we get to spend Christmas together again. It will be a magical day. Charlie! xxoo.

  I finish my coffee, suck down another cigarette, and pray that all of our Christmas dreams come true.

  It’s time. I brush my teeth, wash my hands, and spritz on my favorite perfume to cover up the smell of smoke and coffee breath.

  Then I pack up presents and prepare to meet my future. Should I bring an emergency Xanax with me? I shove both my cigarettes and the pill bottle into my pocketbook. I’m ready.

  Meeting Charlie

  My mother opens the door to me with a mimosa in each hand. She hands one to me and hugs me tightly. “Merry Christmas, my precious daughter.”

  I cuddle into her. “Merry Christmas, Mama.”

  “Come with me, darling.”

  I drop off my bag of presents under the enormous tree in the formal living room and follow her through the house. Thinking she wants me to help prepare Christmas dinner, I head to the kitchen. She waves me over to the door, and we step out on to the piazza that runs along the entire side of the house. What is she up to?

  She lifts a box and inside is a secret stash of cigarettes.

  “I figured since the jig was up, I might as well show you where they are. I suspect we’ll need them today.

  “You look beautiful, by the way. That’s a perfect outfit. Soft, touchable, playful.”

  “As do you. I love the things you picked out. My sophisticated, chic, beautiful mother. When I look at you, I suspect that fairies left me on your doorstep.”

  “Silly girl. You don’t see it, but you’re simply a smaller, darker version of me. You have your own beauty and style. Your father’s eyes and coloring. You’re gorgeous and exotic, even if you are a short little thing.”

  I laugh and hug her. “Thank you, Mama. Oh! Mrs. Cliff bought the same blazer you’re wearing. You’ll be twins.”

  “Bless her heart. That woman is always stealing my look. Don’t look so shocked. You know it’s true. Haven’t you noticed?”

  Actually, now that I think of it, Jack’s mother does wear the same things my mother does.

  We’re both giggling now. “Mama, you have a groupie.”

  She rolls her eyes at me. Then shocks me again and pulls out two cigarettes. She hands one to me and lights them both. I have forgotten how to smoke.

  “Annabelle, close your mouth before you let flies in. Just enjoy this moment between mother and daughter. Your father will be sneaking out here soon.”

  “There is something I wanted to ask you about.”

  “What worries you, darling?”

  “I'm embarrassed. This is going to sound childish and selfish. It's that, I just found Jack again. I'm not ready to share him. I'm afraid it's going to feel like a competition.”

  I whisper, “Mama, he lets Charlie sleep in bed with him. Charlie crawls into bed with him in the middle of the night.”

  My mother looks confused and then the light bulb goes off. She giggles. “Oh, I see. Children do that. You used to sneak into our bed and snuggle up to us. You two will need your private time. It's reasonable to ask Jack to teach Charlie to sleep in his own bed. I’m sure he’s thought about it too. Keep your door closed and teach him to knock. Prepare yourself for the pitter-patter of little feet in the middle of the night, and don’t sleep naked. Lord, did you and Jack ever sleep?”

  I cock an eyebrow at her and smirk.

  She puffs on her cigarette and looks wistful. “I miss those days.”

  This makes me grin. “You go, Mama.”

  “We’re not dead, dear. We still enjoy a healthy sex life. It doesn't happen as often as it did, but it's an integral part of a healthy, loving relationship. Promise me you will always work to keep desire and love in your marriage. You'll find that good sex gets you through the rough patches.

  “You cannot view this as a competition, though. This is his child. You are both a priority but in different ways. He wants to include you, not exclude you. You cannot act like a needy child. If you open your heart, you will find that you have room for both of them. Jack already knows that.”

  I hug her. “I knew you would understand. Thank you for listening and not judging.”

  She caresses my cheek. “Darling, I’ve always been here for you. You can always come to me. I’ll never judge. I may give you a kick in the butt sometimes, but no judgment.”

  My father joins us at that moment. “Am I interrupting a mother-daughter moment?”

  “Daddy.” I jump into his arms and hug him. “Merry Christmas.”

  “Merry Christmas, sweetheart. Now give me one of those cigarettes before people start arriving.” He already has a bourbon on the rocks in his hand.

  My mother refills our mimosas, and the three of us stand on the piazza and enjoy a moment of peace before the festivities begin.

  I beam at them both. “I love you both so much. Thank you for being the best parents a girl could have.”

  They both kiss me on the cheek. My father chokes up. “It’s been our pleasure, precious girl.”

  ***

  Christmas is typically family and the Cliffs, but my mother has always included Julia. Julia has a strained relationship with her mother, the infamous Miss Sarah Beth, and appreciates the reprieve. This year Peter will join us before they go to Christmas dinner with their families at the Carter house.

  My mother has an embarrassing crush on Peter. Lord, she fawns over that man like a teenage girl. My father rolls his eyes and Julia, and I giggle. She bought several of his photographs from his exhibit in October and redecorated the guest bathroom downstairs to highlight the pictures. My mother's home, a veritable museum filled with beautiful antiques, now has a sleek, modern bathroom with vaguely erotic photographs of my best friend hanging prominently on one wall. I can't wait to show Julia.

  They arrive first, holding hands and beaming at each other. As I imagined, my mother immediately links her arm in Peter's and leads him into the house. Julia and I glance at each other and try not to laugh.

  My mother serves drinks and remains by Peter’s side, stealing glances at him.

  “Mama, Julia and Peter have an announcement.”

  Peter pulls Julia into his arms. They both exclaim, “We’re engaged.”

  Julia holds out her hand to show off the ring. The photo she sent didn’t do it justice.

  My mother oohs and ahs. “Peter, you have exquisite taste. Julia, the ring is beautiful.”

  Peter laughs, “Thank you, Mrs. Tucker. I’m the happiest man alive. Julia finally agreed to make an honest man
of me.”

  “Oh, you must call me Lillian.”

  Julia and I look at each other again, shocked. First Jack, and now Peter? She has never invited Julia or Wallace to call her by her first name. Julia tries to keep a straight face. Even my father is chuckling.

  “I’m so excited for you. I have a surprise for you. Julia dear, I had my interior designer redo the guest bath downstairs. Come, look.”

  She opens the door and flicks on the light. It is sleek and modern, with beautiful lighting, and Peter's photographs of Julia take up a whole wall. There is a large photo on canvas of a shoe flying through the air. It is flanked on one side with a close up of Julia's lips, painted her signature Chanel crimson red, her mouth slightly open and on the other side, another close up of her beautiful cornflower blue eyes, her mascara and eyeliner smudged somewhat.

  Julia is frozen. She whispers, “Oh, my.”

  Peter is delighted. “Lillian, I don’t know what this room looked like before, but it is perfect now. I love how you’ve displayed the photos. Thank you so much for your support.” He leans down and kisses her cheek and my mother blushes.

  As we walk down the hall, my mother leans into Julia and whispers, “And I think it’s time for you to start calling me Lillian, too.” She winks at Julia.

  “Yes, ma’am.” She is blushing now, too.

  So far, I love the start of Christmas.

  Then the doorbell rings and I grab Julia’s hand.

  The Cliff family descends upon us with cheers of “Merry Christmas,” loaded down with bags of gifts and bottles of champagne.

  I can see Jack's head, and I search to make eye contact. There he is. He is grinning, eyes sparkling.

  I feel a small hand tugging on my tunic. I look down, and there he is. A beautiful boy with curly blonde hair and Jack’s eyes. I sink to the floor until we are eye to eye.

  “Charlie?”

  He nods at me solemnly. He reaches for my curls. “Bella Belle?”

  I grin at him. “Yes, I’m Belle. I’m so happy to meet you. Merry Christmas, Charlie.”

  “We have same curls. Did Santa bring you presents?”

  I reach out and run my hand through his curls. “You have beautiful blonde curls. And eyes just like your Daddy.”

  He giggles. “Daddy.”

  “Yes, just like your Daddy.”

  “Do you love Daddy?”

  His question takes me aback. What has Jack told him about me? I look into his beautiful eyes and respond, “Yes, I love your Daddy very much.”

  He throws himself at me for a hug. I hold him tightly, and I feel my rusted heart creak open even further.

  I look up, and Jack is standing over us, smiling, as a single tear trickles down his cheek.

  He quickly wipes his face and kneels down. “Hey buddy, you met Belle?”

  Charlie corrects him. “Bella Belle, Daddy.” He settles into my lap and runs his hands through my waves. “She loves you, Daddy. Do you love her?”

  Jack looks at me while he answers his son. “Yes, Charlie. I love her as much as I love you.”

  “To the moon and back?”

  “Yep.”

  “Kisses, Daddy.”

  Jack leans in and kisses Charlie.

  “Now Bella, Daddy.”

  Jack kisses my mouth softly and whispers, “I love you. Merry Christmas.”

  “Merry Christmas, my love.” I could sit in this circle of love for the rest of my life.

  Charlie surprises me with a slobbery kiss on the mouth. “Merry Christmas, Bella.”

  I grin at him, squeeze him, and start tickling him until he’s giggling and squirming in my lap.

  Jack watches us in awe. I look up and realize that my parents, the Cliffs and Julia and Peter are all watching us, their phones focused on us. Everyone has been looking forward to this moment. I hope someone got a picture of Charlie kissing me.

  Suddenly, he is up and running on his cute little toddler legs. My mother looks panicked. She quickly follows him, with Mrs. Cliff on her tail. The men aren’t phased. They continue to chat and drink.

  Jack holds his hand out to me, helps me stand, and then twirls me. “Bella Belle. You have no idea how beautiful that was to watch. I swear to you, I did not coach him. He’s heard me talk about you and I explained whom we were going to see. He loves your parents. As soon as we got through the door, he wiggled out of my arms and went straight to you. I told you he would love your hair. He’s an affectionate kid, but I’ve never seen him crawl into someone’s lap so quickly. He kissed you.”

  “He’s beautiful and sweet. He’s a slobbery kisser, though,” I laugh. “I’m hoping someone took a picture of that. It was one of those perfect moments in life. Jack. I felt so much love. He’s incredible.” I reach up on my tiptoes and kiss Jack. “Thank you. I love you.”

  Charlie runs back to us. “Up, Daddy, up. More kisses.”

  Jack picks him up. “More kisses, eh?”

  He reaches for me, holds my face in his chubby hands, and gives me more drooly kisses. He laughs when I giggle. He turns to Jack and does the same. “Now kiss Bella, Daddy.”

  Jack complies, and we both wipe our mouths discreetly. Jack chuckles, and whispers in my ear, “Slobbery kisses, indeed.”

  He reaches for me again, and suddenly he's in my arms, his little legs wrapped around me. “Christmas tree, Bella. Presents.”

  “Do you think they’re presents under there for you?”

  His eyes open wide in wonder. He claps his hands. “More presents?”

  “Should we go look? You could pretend to be Santa and hand out presents to our family. And find some for you?”

  “Yes. Pretend.”

  I whisper in his ear. “Will you promise me something?”

  “Promise.”

  “Will you give your Daddy the presents I got him?”

  “Yes, Bella. Presents for me, too?”

  “I don’t know. Have you been a good boy?”

  He nods his face serious. “I a good boy.”

  “I can tell. I bet there are presents from me to you.”

  He grins and kisses me again. “Thank you, Bella.”

  “Thank you, sweet Charlie. And you’re very welcome.”

  “Christmas tree.”

  “Yes, let’s go pretend to be Santa.”

  I carry him over to the Christmas tree and set him down. He immediately starts tearing into the gifts. Oops.

  “Slow down, kiddo. Santa only delivers the presents. We have to keep the wrapping on to read the cards and find out who they’re for and then deliver them.”

  This is not what he wanted to hear. His face crumples.

  “Charlie,” I soothe, “Giving presents is as much fun as getting them. Wait until you see how happy you make people.”

  He looks dubious. Ripping paper must be a lot of fun.

  “How about this? Once you deliver the present, you can ask if you may unwrap it. Ask first, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  “Try it and see if you like it. Look, here’s one for your grandmother.”

  “Nana?”

  “Yes, Nana. Go, go.”

  He runs over and drops it in her lap. “I’m pretend Santa, Nana. May I rip paper off?”

  “Of course, sweet boy. Let’s see who it’s from, first. Look, it’s from Mrs. Tucker.”

  The kid goes to town. He tears the beautiful wrapping paper to shreds in seconds. He delivers several more presents before he is bored with this game.

  “Bella. Presents for Daddy.”

  I find the boxes for him and hand them to Charlie. “Now, can you carry both? Be careful with the one on top, it’s fragile.”

  “Fragile?”

  “It can break if you’re not careful.”

  He doesn’t look like he trusts himself. “You help, please?”

  He runs with his box. “Daddy, Daddy. Presents from Bella. I’ll rip the paper off for you.”

  “Thanks buddy.” I really did get him socks and underwear. He o
pens the box and laughs. “Just what I wanted.” At least the socks are cool.

  I hand him the other box and lean in to him. “The top one is for your eyes only. You can share the bottom one. Maybe you should open the bottom one first.” He leers at me. He thinks I've given him something sexy. He opens the second one. Inside is the framed picture I stole from his suitcase.

  “I’ve always wondered what happened to this. Sneaky woman.” It’s nearly eight years old. We’re twenty-eight, laughing and hugging. Clearly in love. “Thank you. I always loved this picture.”

  “Let me see, Daddy.”

  “Look, Belle and me from a long time ago.”

  “You look happy, Daddy.”

  “I was, Charlie. I was happy and in love. I still am.”

  Charlie takes the picture around to show everyone. I tug on Jack's sleeve. I have misgivings about the next gift.

  “Can we go outside and open the other one? Bring your drink.”

  I grab my mimosa and lead him outside. I show him the secret cigarette stash.

  “Oh, bless you.” We both light up. “Are you okay, Belle?”

  “Jack, it has been a wonderful day. I’m nervous about this present, though.”

  He opens it carefully. It is a framed sonogram picture of our baby at 19 weeks, with a perfect image of his little face, sucking his thumb. He did not see it the other night. Jack collapses into a wicker chair and takes a drink. He runs his finger over the picture, tracing the baby’s face. “John Charles.”

  “It's beautiful. He's beautiful. Look at his little face. Our baby.” He grabs me around the waist and hugs me to him, and I lean down and kiss the top of his head. “Thank you, Belle. I see him.”

  He stands and takes my face in his hands. “I cherish this. I know how much it took to give me this. Thank you. I love you, Bella.” He gives me a horrible wet kiss, and we're both laughing and wiping out mouths.

  He wraps it up carefully. He pauses. “I know I’ve thrown a lot at you in the last week, but can we try for a baby? Will you take that chance with me?”

  “I stopped taking the pill a week ago. Merry Christmas!”

  “What? Are you serious? Oh my god. I love you, I love you, I love you.” Once again, I’m twirling in his arms. “Let’s make a baby.”