Find Me

by Tory Jane

  ***

  I sleep the day away. At one point, I think I hear the sound of Charlie’s voice yelling, “Bella. Bella’s here.” and then hushed whispers.

  When I finally awaken, it is afternoon. I stretch and realize I'm not alone. There is a small body sleeping on my chest. His cheeks are flushed, and his curls are damp. After the ugliness of the night before, Charlie is the purest, most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

  Sighing, I pull him closer to me. I want to soak in his goodness. Let him wash away all the filth, hate and evil I've seen, and I've committed. I want this boy to be my son. I want babies. I want to play in the dirt, grow flowers and vegetables, and watch my children run through the grass.

  My vision infuses me with a calm I haven’t felt in days.

  I must be squeezing him too tightly because he starts to squirm in my arms. I loosen my grip on him and the dream but hold tightly to the feeling of peace. I stare up at the ceiling and run my fingers through his curls.

  My other favorite face appears above me. Jack is on the other side of Charlie, leaning over both of us and grinning. I'm able to smile into his beautiful denim eyes. His hair is rumpled, and he has crease marks on his face.

  “Hey, Bella Belle. I love you. Please tell me you’ll never leave my bed again.” He leans down and kisses me. “You two are beautiful together. Watching you cleanses me from all the ugliness of last night.”

  I whisper back to him, “I woke thinking the same thing. Such beauty and purity. This is the first time we’ve woken together in over five years.” I grin and look down at Charlie. “Things sure have changed.”

  “Jack, I was lying here daydreaming about gardening and watching our kids play and run in the grass. It brought me such peace. I want that life. Can we have that life?”

  He looks at me with wonder in his eyes. “Yes. Belle, I’m sorry we fought yesterday. I don’t believe we’re rushing into anything. After everything that’s happened, I feel more strongly that we are overdue for a lifetime of happiness.

  “I knew while it was happening that watching me with Sofia must have been gut wrenching. I’m surprised you didn’t attack us both. I was acting, but if I’d witnessed you do that? Fuck. I would have been sick. It didn’t surprise me that you left. I felt guilty. I was selfish, again. I needed to deal with the Sofia drama and focus on Charlie and I was afraid to face your anger. I rationalized that you needed time to cool off. I forgot that ignoring you is never the way to handle our relationship.” He gives me a wry smile. “My pixie does not cool off when she’s ignored.

  “When I heard you relay everything to your hot detective, I felt helpless. If I’d listened and believed in you instead of wallowing in my drama, maybe I could have prevented it or protected you more. What if I screw up again?”

  “Neither of us could have predicted or prevented what happened last night.

  “Thank you for seeing it from my perspective. That bitch had her hand wrapped around your junk. You’re right. I wanted to scream, scratch, and fight.

  “Jack, we’re both going to make mistakes. What we need to learn and accept is that together, we are strong. When we isolate ourselves or hide from each other, fear and doubt creep in and win.”

  I point to Charlie. “We owe it to him. He deserves to grow up in a loving, healthy family environment, with parents who love each other and love him.”

  He gives me one of his soul-stirring kisses, and in seconds, I'm breathing heavily, panting with need.

  “Belle? When did you become so wise? So brave?”

  “I always have been. I've played so many roles in my life, pretending, trying on different personas, how was anyone supposed to notice? I've been finding myself all along. Are we ready to be brave together? To embrace what we've always had?” I ask.

  “Yes. You’re part of me. I’ll never give you up.”

  “Kiss me again. Seal the deal.”

  “Always, my Bella Belle.”

  He’s kissing me, leaning over me, and holding my face, giving me his mouth, his soul, his love. Whispering, “I want you. Always. Forever. Please, Belle.”

  I come to my senses and realize there is a small child between us. “Jack,” I giggle. “Charlie’s here.”

  He shakes his head and grins. “Sorry, I got carried away. This kid is going to have to learn to sleep in his own bed.”

  I’m relieved I’m not the one who made this suggestion. I love the feeling of Charlie snuggled up next to me, but we need adult time.

  “I need a shower.” I cock my eyebrow.

  “Is that an invitation? Please?”

  I bite my lower lip and then nod my head. “Will he be okay?”

  “He’s out cold. We have about half an hour. I promise you, we will have all night. Having a child doesn’t mean we sacrifice our desire and love for each other. You’ve been worried about that, haven’t you? We'll work it out. It won't be quickies in the bathroom all the time. But can we have a quickie in the bathroom, now?” He places my hand on him. He is a hard, marble god.

  I purr. “I can learn to be flexible. Five minutes. I’ll be waiting for you.”

  “God, yes.”

  We both inch out of bed, trying not to disturb Charlie's sleep. He murmurs and curls up, clutching Pete.

  Jack heads to the half bath, and I run to the full bathroom. It's beautiful. Sleek and modern with a large glass shower. I take care of business, brush my teeth, and start the shower. As soon as the water starts, Jack slips in and locks the door behind him.

  He slips off his pajama bottoms and I stand there, in a daze, amazed by his beauty.

  He wastes no time. In seconds, he yanks off my pajamas and pulls me into the shower. He touches me everywhere, massaging my back, caressing my breasts, my stomach. Wherever he can reach.

  A tiled bench lines the side of the shower. Whoever thought of that is a genius. Jack sits on the bench and pulls me to him. The water washes over my body as he covers me with his mouth, burying his tongue in me. I'm learning to be less tentative. He likes it when I'm aggressive. I dance for him, and he grabs my ass and grinds me against him. His enthusiasm frees me from any inhibition, and soon I am bucking up against him.

  I'm still mid-orgasm when he picks me up and slams himself into me. “Oh, God.” My orgasm continues, and I want more. I grind against him, my hands on his shoulders, my head thrown back and ride him until I explode around him once again.

  He flips me around and slides back into me. Each thrust ends with a pivot of his hips. He wraps himself around me, kissing my neck, my shoulders and then sucking and biting.

  “You like that my little pixie?” His voice is a growl. He is an animal. Holding me tightly as he slides himself in and out. He pulls my hair, arching my neck to kiss me. He moves his other arm and cups me hard, pressing with his palm and swiping his thumb back and forth.

  I’m whimpering, wanting. I want to scream in pleasure. I reach down, caress his balls, and grasp the base of his penis as he continues to thrust and pivot.

  “Yes, Bella. That feels amazing. You feel amazing. So tight and warm and wet.”

  I lean forward and start riding him, my hands touching him as I dance on him. He grabs my ass and spreads me wide to watch where we join.

  “God, you're beautiful, Belle.” He thrusts hard. “I am going to come hard and deep. Are you ready for me?”

  We swivel our hips together, he slams into me, pivots, putting pressure on my G spot, and we come together. While he is still inside me, he spins me until I'm facing him and growls into my mouth. He buries his head in my shoulder. “I love you so fucking much. You are mine.”

  “Yours.”

  He picks me up and starts washing me. Kissing me and lathering my hair. Tilting my head back to rinse and then massaging conditioner into my curls.

  He squirts body wash into his hands and takes his time running his hands over every inch of my body. Certain body parts receive more attention than others. I have the cleanest breasts in town.

  His
hands on me are invigorating. I gradually emerge from my sex haze and return the favor, washing him from head to toe. I kneel down to wash his calves and make my way up, taking him in my mouth, kissing, and licking.

  He warns, “Belle.”

  I want more, and then remember this is supposed to be a quickie. I look up at Jack and wink. “Later?”

  “Yes, please.” He wraps himself around me, and we rinse off. He tilts my head back again to rinse the conditioner and runs his hands through my hair as he sucks and bites my neck and shoulders. “You do like that, don't you?”

  Surprised, I nod my head. “I love everything you do. You are the best lover.” I push up against him and feel him stiffen against me. “The very best. I’ll never get enough of you.

  “God, Belle. You have no idea. We are the best together. All the things I want to do to this beautiful body. I have very naughty thoughts about you.”

  I grin. “You do?” Do tell.”

  “Trust me, I’ll tell you everything. I’ll show you everything. We need to get out of this shower, though. If you don’t stop rubbing on me, I’m going to turn the cold water on you.”

  “I needed this. I needed you. Thank you.” I kiss him and pull away.

  He pulls me in for one more kiss. “Thank you, my love.”

  He turns the water off, and we reach for towels and rub each other dry

  There is a plush robe hanging on the back of the door for me. I slip into it, and Jack sighs.

  He wraps a towel around his waist, and it only accents his abs and hip muscles. I sigh, too.

  He laughs. “Later, baby. My bedroom door locks.”

  While I was sleeping, Allison has taken care of the basics. A basket of toiletries, my favorite hair product, white cotton underwear, and a stack of clean clothes. I scrunch product into my hair and bring out the waves. I slip into the simple white cotton underwear, leggings, an undershirt, a long, soft tunic, and warm, cozy socks. I feel loved and taken care of.

  Then I remember. When we step out of this door, I’ll have to face reality.

  I turn to Jack and bury myself in him. “Belle, I’m with you. We’ll face this together.”

  “Thank you. Thank you for understanding.”

  He holds my hand, and we step out to face the world together.

  Charlie is still napping. As Jack tries to wake him gently, I hear Charlie grumble and whine. Jack whispers something to him, and Charlie jumps up.

  “Bella. You’re here.”

  I approach the bed, and he leaps into my arms. “Whoa, there, little man.” I hold him and rock him. “We had a nice nap together.”

  “Happy you’re here. Miss you.”

  “I missed you too, Charlie. I have a surprise for you. I’m going to stay here with you and your daddy. What do you think?

  He gives me a slobbery kiss and a hug.

  “Your dad and I need to go downstairs. Are you coming, too? Or do you want to go to your playroom?”

  “Stay with you. May I have juice?”

  “I don’t know the rules, yet. You’ll have to ask your daddy.”

  “Daddy?”

  “After nap time, it’s snack time! You know what we need to do first, though. Let’s go teach Belle how to change a diaper.”

  “Okay, kiddo. I’ve never done this before. Maybe Daddy can help?”

  Charlie takes my hand and leads me into his room. He points to the changing table. “I help, too. Up there.”

  “Okay, I can do this. How do these things work?”

  Charlie laughs. “Silly, Bella.”

  “You think I’m kidding. Do you know that you’re the first baby I’ve ever held for more than five minutes?”

  “I’m not a baby.”

  “You’re right. You’re getting to be a big boy. Now, warn me. Do you have a stinky in there?”

  “No. Just pee pee.”

  “Okay, let’s do this.” I turn to Jack. “What do I do?”

  He bends over, clutching his stomach and laughs.

  “Your Daddy thinks I’m funny.”

  “You are funny, Bella.” Charlie leans up and starts pulling on the Velcro straps. “Like this.”

  “Charlie. You’re playing tricks on me. You can change your own diaper.”

  He frowns. “I try. Not yet. Please help?”

  I kiss his forehead. “I’m teasing. I’ll help. Your dad is going to have to show me how the first time.”

  Jack steps up and hugs me. “Here, Belle. I’ll show you.” He points out where the diapers and the wipes are. In thirty seconds, he’s taken off the wet diaper, cleaned up Charlie, and put a clean one on.

  “Daddy is a diaper changing champion. I have a lot to learn. Will you be patient with me, Charlie?”

  “Patient?”

  “Will you understand if it takes me longer? If I make mistakes?”

  He jumps up and leaps into my arms again. “I make mistakes all the time, Bella. I’ll be patient.”

  “Thank you, Charlie. Now let’s get you dressed. It’s chilly.”

  He wiggles out of my arms and runs around his room in just his diaper.

  “Show me where your clothes are, Charlie.”

  He leads me to his closet and starts pulling out pajamas.

  “You want to wear pajamas now?”

  “Yes. Superman pajamas.”

  “Okay. Sounds perfect to me. I wish your dad had some Superman pajamas.”

  “And you be Superwoman.”

  “Wouldn’t that be awesome?” I help him wiggle into his pajamas. He looks adorable. “All right, kiddo. We’re all set. Let’s get a snack. You can have juice. I think I’ll have coffee.”

  “Coffee? Yucky.”

  “How do you know?”

  “I tried Daddy’s. I spit it out.”

  “Where did you spit it out?

  He looks up, innocent blue eyes shining. “Into Daddy’s cup.”

  “Oh, that’s excellent. Did your Daddy know?”

  “No. I was sneaky.”

  “Maybe you should avoid grown-up drinks from now on, okay?

  “Okay, Bella. Let’s go.”

  Jack looks mildly disgusted. I laugh at him and whisper, “Your kid spit in your coffee.”

  He responds, “You get to change the next poop diaper.”

  We make our way down to the kitchen, and there is a group waiting for us. Our parents. Miss Margaret. Julia and Wallace. Detective Cooke. Back to reality.

  I rush to Julia and Wallace and grab them fiercely. “I've missed you. I'm sorry. I'm sure you've heard everything by now. You know I didn’t run or hide from you? I was trying to contact you. I didn't understand why I didn't hear back from you. It's been a mess.”

  Wallace touches my shorter hair. “We’ve heard everything. We should have been with you last night.”

  “No. It was horrible, and we were up all night dealing with it.”

  “Your mom, Julia, and I are going to the carriage house to see what we can save. Is there anything in particular you need?”

  “They’re just things. I’d love my music, though. If you could find my iPod? I’m sure they stole my computer.

  “Allison, thank you so much for the toiletries, the robe, and clothes. I'm rested and clean and feel so much better. Can I trouble you for some coffee, though? Just show me where everything is, and I'll make it.”

  “Honey, I just made a fresh pot. There is milk in the refrigerator and sugar on the counter.”

  I lean over and kiss her. “Thank you. For everything.”

  “I'm going to step outside for a moment. I'll be right back, and we can talk.”

  My mother joins me. I rest my coffee on the table and grab her tightly. “Mama, it was horrific. You’ve heard?”

  “Annabelle. Shh. I’m glad you’re safe. That’s the most important thing.”

  I take a sip from my mug. Charlie is crazy. This is delicious.

  She hands me a cigarette. We both sit and smoke.

  “How much do you know, Mama?” />
  “Pretty much everything. Detective Cooke told us. We’ve been waiting for you to wake up.”

  “God. I’m sorry. You should have woken me.”

  “Belle, you didn't get to bed until 6:00 this morning. You had a traumatic night. I’m sure it was mentally and physically exhausting. Besides, we've only been here for about a half hour.”

  “Good, not too long. I did need the sleep. Last night was ugly. I woke with Charlie curled up on my chest fast asleep. It cleansed me to wake up to such purity and beauty. I was in Jack’s bed. Do you think that confused him? Should I have slept in the guest room?”

  “Annabelle, does Charlie seem confused or anxious to you?”

  I think about it for a moment. “No. Not in the slightest. He’s adorable and funny. He helped teach me how to change his diaper and I helped him get dressed. It was all perfectly natural.”

  “Charlie is fine. Don’t worry. He has accepted this all. You’re it for him.”

  “I love that kid. When I held him in my arms, I had a vision of being in a garden, watching kids run through the grass.”

  “You’re going to get through all of this. You impressed Detective Cooke with how strong and composed you were.”

  “Well, if Jack screws up trust me, I know who I'm going after. Detective Cooke is hot and kind and gentle.”

  Mama giggles. “He is quite a handsome man.”

  “I’m not going to like what he has to say, am I?”

  “I don’t think you’ll be surprised. He worked from your theories and the information you provided.”

  She hands me another cigarette. “Come in when you’re ready.” I hang on to my vision of gardens and children and calm myself.

  I step back inside. Miss Margaret has taken Charlie upstairs, but everyone else is still there.

  I pour myself a fresh cup of coffee and sit at the table across from Detective Cooke.

  “I’m sorry to keep you waiting. Thank you again for your kindness and support last night.”

  Jack stands behind me, his hand on my shoulder. A show of support or staking his claim? It makes me smile.

  Detective Cooke notices. He knows what’s going on. He smirks. “Annabelle, I know last night was difficult. I’m amazed at how strong you were. How strong you are. The information you provided was invaluable.