First Impressions

by Jay Hogan

  Jason hung around the court another minute or so, then left with his boyfriend. Mission fucking accomplished. That said, Michael wasn’t entirely sure how Josh was going to react to Michael’s good intentions. He stole a glance sideways, but his expression gave nothing away. Too late now.

  He gave himself over to watching the second game and tried to ignore the silence that had settled between them. It was ten minutes before he felt Josh’s thigh press against his and settle there. He took that as a good sign, only then acknowledging just how worried he’d been.

  “Hun? Really?” Josh chuckled softly. “You couldn’t come up with something more manly?”

  Michael blew out the breath he’d been holding since they’d left Jason. “Well, I had a hankering for stud muffin. Should I have gone with that?”

  They laughed hard enough to garner a few nosy looks from the other parents.

  Michael lowered his voice. “The coffee was a winner, though, don’t you think? And speaking of names… babe? Never saw myself as a babe… just saying.”

  Josh fixed him with a smile full of affectionate warmth. “I beg to differ. You’re absolutely 100 percent, a babe.”

  Something skipped in Michael’s chest and his cheeks warmed alarmingly. He. Did. Not. Blush. His gaze slid to Sasha on the court. He cleared his throat but couldn’t seem to find any words.

  Josh too went quiet, and they sat that way for a few minutes before Michael found his voice again. “So.” He spoke softly, leaning closer. “You wanna fill me in a little? Maybe why you let that douchebag fuck with you like that?”

  Josh stiffened and Michael thought too far, too soon. Then Josh relaxed.

  “He’s always been that way,” Josh answered, looking around. “Come on, let’s move.” They found a more private place to sit, and Josh painted the picture about his relationship with Jase.

  “Shit,” Michael sympathised. “He’d been seeing other guys the whole time you two were living together?”

  Josh winced. “Probably longer. We’d dated for nearly a year before he moved in. I just fucking trusted him, didn’t ask the questions I should have. Stupid, huh? I was so fucking stupid.” Josh stabbed his shoe repeatedly against the concrete seat in front.

  Michael rested a hand on Josh’s knee and squeezed gently. “Nah, you were just a man of faith, and you got taken for a ride by an asshole. Doesn’t mean you should give up on the faith. Just means he didn’t deserve a scrap of it.”

  Josh wouldn’t meet Michael’s eyes. “Maybe. But I should’ve noticed something. A fucking cop, and I got blindsided? That shit just fucks with your self-belief. I’m not sure I trust my own judgement anymore. Besides, it wasn’t just me, it hurt Sasha too, and that shit’s on me.” He finally raised his gaze to Michael. “You ever had a guy do that? Cheat on you, betray your trust? Fucks with your head.”

  Don’t ask that. Jesus fucking Christ. Don’t ask that. Michael’s tongue filled the back of his throat, and his thoughts fled to Simon. He’d never considered, not really, just how badly his actions might have affected Simon. At the time, he’d just wanted to be left alone and knew the guy was way better off without him. But Simon was in for the long haul. He was never gonna walk away, not without a fight. And Michael, barely keeping his head above the bottle, didn’t have the strength for another fight. So he’d done the one, sure-fire thing he knew would end things between them with no drawn-out attempts on Simon’s part to work to things out.

  He lifted his hand from Josh’s knee, and returned it to his own. “Not like that. I was in a long-term relationship once, but it blew up, you might say. My fault. I’m not really good at that stuff, as you know. His name was Simon, a gastroenterologist at the hospital where I worked. He was one of the good guys, like you.”

  It wasn’t altogether a lie. But how the hell did Michael tell Josh that he was the one who’d been unfaithful, who’d destroyed another man’s trust and shat on his life? That would confirm every single one of Josh’s fears and assumptions about him from the start? And it wasn’t like they were looking long-term with this thing they had, anyway.

  Josh looked surprised. “Yeah? I never pegged you as a relationship guy at all.”

  Michael shrugged. “Well, you were right. It was a one-time thing. Kind of why I haven’t gone there again.”

  Josh nodded. “Well, lucky you. Getting one of the good guys, I mean. Nice to know they still exist.”

  “Hence your finely tuned asshole-player radar?”

  Josh chuckled. “Hence. Guess it doesn’t fail me all the time.”

  Ouch. Good call, Josh, good call. “Yeah, I can see that. And the fact Sasha liked the guy is why you let him screw with you now? Let him touch you, drop by whenever he wants, that kind of shit? You never told her about him, what really happened, right?”

  Josh dipped his head. “I was protecting her, and I was so fucking embarrassed. I didn’t want her to know what a huge mistake her dad had made. What an idiot I’d been. I thought she might not trust me to protect us. Might not trust the next guy. Jesus Christ, she’d already had her mother walk out on her.” He scrubbed a hand over his face. “I just said we’d fallen out of love. That he’d hurt me, but we would still be friends, and she could still spend time with him. I try to make it look like we are friends, for her sake.”

  Michael sighed. “You know he still wants you, don’t you? That if you asked, he’d be back in a heartbeat, although probably no more trustworthy.”

  Josh’s head shot up. The man looked genuinely shocked. “What? No. He’s just messing with my head. He made his choice.”

  “Not really his choice. You kicked him out.”

  “Yeah, but I was, am, never going to give him what he wants, an open relationship. He knows that. Besides, I could never trust him again.”

  “Do you still love him?”

  The hesitation was short but noticeable, and Michael’s heart dipped. But then Josh stiffened.

  “No, I don’t. I think I love the idea of what I thought we had, but not him, not anymore.”

  The relief Michael felt in those few words surprised the hell out of him. Then Josh continued.

  “I think I’m just so damn scared. He betrayed my dream, you know? Mine and Sasha’s. And I worry that maybe it’s because it was an unattainable, stupid dream to start with.”

  Michael chuckled. “You’re a romantic.”

  Josh blushed and shrugged. “I guess. I take it you’re not.”

  It was said more as a statement than a question, and Michael felt the sting. He let it go. “You do realise,” he ventured, “that by not telling Sasha the truth, she might well believe, or hope, you’ll get back together.”

  Josh’s eyes widened. “No. She doesn’t, she can’t possibly….”

  Michael gave a small shrug. “I was watching while you were talking with Jase. Her eyes never left the two of you. And Jase knows it, knows it, and is playing on it.” Michael didn’t know that for sure, but he wouldn’t put it past the snake.

  Josh’s eyes widened. “Fuck. God, that would be a disaster.”

  “I only know what I saw,” Michael said. “But I know for sure that Jase thinks he’s still in with a chance. Is there a reason he might think that?” Michael suspected but wasn’t sure of the answer he’d get, but the blush that flashed on Josh’s cheeks removed all doubt. Shit. “You’ve slept with him, haven’t you? Since the breakup?”

  Josh’s head fell back, eyes closed. “Ugh. Once. Once. It was a few months after the breakup. He’d called in to see Sasha, but she was out with Katie. I don’t even know why I did it, but I offered him a drink. There was more than one, things got out of hand, and, well… I knew straight off it was a huge fucking mistake. Sasha never knew.”

  Michael was careful to keep his expression neutral, ignoring the urge to yank out great wadding clumps of his hair in frustration. “So,” he said warily, “safe to say he harbours some legitimate hope, then, at least enough to fuck with you.”

  Josh’s head snap
ped up, eyes blazing.

  Michael lifted his hands. “Hey, I’m not judging. I’m just saying.”

  Josh deflated, his foot stabbing once again at the seat in front. “Yeah, maybe. But it’s never going to happen again.” He chewed his bottom lip, and all Michael wanted to do was kiss him senseless and ease the sting. Instead, he simply took his hand.

  “Well, maybe he won’t be so cocky after today,” Michael said. “We gave him something to think about… hun.” He squeezed Josh’s hand.

  Josh relaxed with a chuckle. “Yeah, thanks to you… babe. And I’ll talk to Sasha. You know it felt damn good to see him squirm for a bit, even if it was a lie.”

  Maybe not so much of a lie. Michael’s heart did that dippy thing.

  SASHA WAS quiet on the drive to her grandparents’, providing little more than one-word answers to anything Josh asked. He worried she’d noticed the face-off thing between Michael and Jason at the courts, but when he tried to ask her about it, she clammed up. It would keep. There was enough between them with the whole school-project thing without borrowing trouble.

  At his parents’ house, Michael waited in the car while Josh walked Sasha to the front door. Before he got a chance to go up the stairs, she pulled him down to eye level and patted his cheek. “You’ll be back as soon as you can tomorrow, Dad, won’t you?”

  He nodded. “I promise. Now be nice and remember they’re old and change is hard. They love you, and amazingly, I believe they love me, even if they can’t accept me. Sometimes you have to take what you can get, and you don’t need to fight my battles for me, princess.”

  “I know, Dad. It’s just….” She blew out a sigh. “Nothing, it doesn’t matter.” She kissed his cheek, hesitating a moment before pulling back. “I saw him kiss you,” she said softly.

  Shit. Josh’s throat tightened. He stared at his daughter, trying to read her expression, but it gave little away. “You mean Michael?”

  She nodded. “He kissed you and held your hand.”

  Josh momentarily panicked, then pulled himself up and blew out a sigh. Suck it up. He ran a hand through his daughter’s hair. “Yeah, he did. I didn’t mean for you to see that, pumpkin. I’m sorry if it upset you.”

  She studied him, looking for something. Whatever it was, she seemed to find it and nodded. “It’s okay, you know. It was just a surprise. I didn’t know you two were—”

  “We’re not,” he leapt in, taking her hands. “I’ve only just met him, sweetheart. I like him, but I’m not sure we’re a good match. We’re still getting to know each other. Right now, he’s just a friend.”

  She frowned. “But he kissed you, and you always say only to kiss someone you really like.”

  Ugh. Does a fuck buddy qualify? God help him. Josh needed to get out of this conversation fast. “Sometimes it’s a bit more complicated than that,” he answered. “But I do like him.”

  She seemed to think about that. “Does that mean you and Jase…?” She didn’t finish the question.

  Damn. Michael had been right. He lifted her chin. “You understand that Jase and I aren’t ever getting back together, right?”

  Her gaze slid away.

  Fuck. “You still miss him, huh?”

  “Sometimes,” she answered quietly. “He was crazy good at The Sims, and he got me all the cheats.” She fiddled with the hem of her shirt. “But he did something bad, didn’t he?”

  Josh nodded carefully. “He did. He hurt me. But we’re all good now.” He pulled her tight to his chest.

  Sasha lifted her eyes to his. “You don’t mind he comes to see me?”

  Yes, I fucking hate it. Josh would have preferred Jason to have taken his sorry cheating arse as far from his family as possible, but Sasha had loved the guy, and Josh wasn’t about to screw her faith in yet another adult in her life. Besides, it had been two years, and even Josh could hold a civilised conversation with the man now, at least for his daughter’s sake.

  “I don’t mind as long as you’re happy. But I won’t love him again, okay?”

  She nodded sagely. “Okay. But if Michael was your boyfriend, or someone else, I wouldn’t mind, you know, as long as you tell me. I’m not a kid anymore, Dad. I want to know this stuff. You always say we’re a team, right?”

  “Right.” Josh threw his arms around his daughter and held her tight. “Thanks, pumpkin. And I promise I’ll tell you if things get serious between Michael and me. Cross my heart. But I’m not rushing anything. We do all right on our own, don’t we?”

  She nodded, returning the hug.

  “But you promise?”

  He kissed her cheek. “I promise.”

  “Okay.” She released him and headed up the steps to the front door, with Josh hoping against hope that his parents would actually come through for him for once and not screw this weekend up.

  HEADING BACK into the city, he was all too aware of the free evening he had looming. No daughter, no sister, an empty house, and a certain sexy doctor on tap. Awesome. He slid a hand to Michael’s thigh and he immediately covered it with his own.

  “Got plans tonight, Doc?” he asked. “Hot date, maybe?”

  Michael turned to study him. “Maybe,” he said with a smirk. “There’s this guy, hot as hell but kind of difficult to pin down, if you know what I mean. Unreliable type.”

  Josh grinned. “I know exactly what you mean. Well, if he falls through and you need to ah… plug the gap, so to speak, I could be available.”

  Michael laughed, squeezing his hand. “Plug the gap, really? You had to go there, didn’t you?”

  Josh gave an innocent shrug. “I’ve no idea what you mean. I was just offering an alternative if you got well… shafted.”

  Michael snorted. “Jesus Christ, stop already or I won’t be held responsible.” His gaze raked the length of Josh’s frame, damn near singeing the hairs on Josh’s skin. “Are you asking me on a date, officer?”

  “What? No, ah….” Goddammit. Josh knew his cheeks had fired bright red.

  Michael chuckled. “Relax. I was just joking. What time?”

  “We could do pizza first, if you want?” Still not a date. They had to eat anyway. “And there’s a rugby game on about four, so how about you come for that.”

  “Sure.” Michael sounded pleased. “Build up our strength.” He smirked.

  Then it hit Josh. “Ah, shit.” He slammed his open hand on the wheel.

  Michael shot him a curious look.

  Josh felt his cheeks begin to glow, again. Damn it. “I just remembered. Um, I’m supposed to meet someone, at three.”

  Michael went quiet.

  “It’s a guy… just for coffee. I shouldn’t be long.”

  “No problem,” Michael said, a little too casually for Josh’s liking. “We can meet up another time. I need to check on my apartment anyway.”

  Josh wanted to kick himself. He’d fucked up. “It’s just coffee.”

  “With a guy.” Michael stated flatly.

  Josh sighed. “Yeah. Brent.”

  “Brent.” Michael rolled the name around his mouth like a bad taste and lifted his hand from Josh.

  Josh flustered, “It’s just a first-time thing, you know how it goes.” Oh God, why did Josh feel like such a jerk? You fucking know why.

  He kept his tone light. “It really is just coffee. I said yes before we, um… started… this. I’ll be back by five… if you’re still interested, that is?”

  Michael said nothing. Fuck. Josh took the approaching off-ramp and tried to focus on the traffic as the whole conversation played in circles in his head. They weren’t dating, they weren’t boyfriends, so why did the whole thing feel so damn weird? But Josh wouldn’t get upset if Michael told him he was going on a date, would he? Fuck. Damn right he would.

  “Sure,” Michael finally answered, though still not facing him. “I’ll order the pizza.”

  Josh released the breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. “Great.”

  Michael sighed. “Yeah, great.” />
  CHAPTER EIGHT

  MICHAEL HEADED to Josh’s house just before five, having spent most of the afternoon wondering why the fuck he was so damn hung up about Josh’s stupid coffee “date.” He’d barely been able to think about anything else since they’d parted company, pacing the rooms of Katie’s house, downing too many coffees, and even casting a lustful eye over her liquor cupboard, a temporary lapse in focus that only served to highlight just exactly how strung out he was.

  He’d found himself wanting to know just who this fucking guy was, where he’d suddenly appeared from, and what the hell were the two men doing right this very minute. By his own admission, Josh had been reluctant to date anyone, so what the fuck? Now, suddenly he was? And where did that leave Michael?

  It was irrational, and it smelled sure as fuck like jealousy. Michael couldn’t pretend otherwise and didn’t even try. But no matter what he told himself about how he didn’t have any claim on the man, the not knowing ate at him. He’d even managed to piss off Cameron, calling the man while he was on shift, ostensibly to see how they were doing, but in reality, desperate for distraction. It was a point astutely noted by the ticked-off charge nurse who’d amply chewed his ear off for taking him away from his work and then promptly hung up. Who needed fucking friends anyway?

  He was behaving like a prize idiot. After all, it had been Michael who’d pushed Josh into agreeing to a bit of no-strings fun in bed. He’d reassured Josh that he wasn’t looking for anything more. Then again, he hadn’t expected to actually like the guy. Maybe lust, drool over, and crave, sure. But actually like the guy? As in wanting to spend some time with him beyond the sheets, get to know him, his favourite foods, where he liked to vacation, watch what a great dad he was and wonder if Michael would ever be able to measure up to that? Hell no. That hadn’t been on the cards. And yet here he was, mooning after a man who was currently out on a “date” with someone else. Shit.