“Do you know how much I hate to see you crying and not be able to hug you?” he murmured. “Please let me in, baby. Even if it’s just for a couple of minutes.”
I took a deep breath, trying to stop the tears, but it was futile.
I’d been just grinning and bearing my father’s abuse for my entire life, and I’d gotten used to it. I wasn’t going to lie and say I wasn’t miserable, but I just kept my head down and plowed ahead, making plans to go to college somewhere far away so I could get out of here. And, for the most part, no one cared and no one asked questions. The genuine empathy and care that Brendan was showing me was just so out of the ordinary for me, and it had caught me off-guard.
Against my better judgment, I opened my window as far as it would go. Brendan made quick work of taking the screen out, then climbed through with a feline-like grace. He turned around and shut the window behind him, then caught me up in a tight bear hug, burying his face in my hair. I groaned a little as it put pressure on my sore rib, and he backed up just enough so he could wipe some of my tears off my cheeks.
“God, it’s been forever since I’ve been in here,” he mumbled awkwardly.
I giggled quietly. “I think the last time was when we were in elementary school. The weird thing is, it hasn’t changed much.”
“Not even a boy band poster in sight,” he teased.
That made me snort. “You actually think my dad would let that fly? I’m not even allowed to listen to boy bands. Even the Christian rock groups I listen to are just this side of acceptable.”
“Well, you’re not missing much,” he chuckled.
I smiled, then sighed and went to sit down on the edge of my bed. Brendan came to sit beside me, then kicked off his shoes and got all the way on the bed, leaning back against the wall.
“Come here, baby,” he said, holding his arms open.
Slowly, since I still had my torso wrapped from my broken rib, I crawled into bed and went to sit next to him, curling into his side. His arms folded around me and he dropped a kiss on my head as he trailed his fingers up and down my back. We just sat there like that for a few minutes before he spoke again.
“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked quietly. “What happened tonight?”
“I don’t even know,” I sniffled. “That’s the worst part. He was so angry when we got back, and he almost ran you over with his car and didn’t even care. But he didn’t say a single word to me the entire ride back, and when we got home, he just told me to get to bed because he wanted me at the early service tomorrow. It’s just…I don’t know if he was mad at me or if his mood was because of something else, and I don’t know if he’s going to fly off the handle in the morning or if this is going to be the time when he doesn’t do anything. It’s the not knowing. Like, I was genuinely terrified of him when he dislocated my shoulder and broke my rib. Anyone would have been. But this is just as scary, just in a different way. If that makes any sense.”
“It does. It’s like you’re walking on eggshells around him all the time.”
“Or waiting for a ticking time bomb, but I have no idea how much time is left on it. I never know what’s going to set him off. And what doesn’t set him off one week earns me the belt the next week. It’s like I don’t know the rules because they’re constantly changing and he doesn’t let me in on it when he decides to change them. Or like sometimes he’s just looking for an excuse to punish me.”
“Maybe he is,” he sighed as he absently played with my hair. “Abusers do that. If you don’t give them an excuse to hurt you, they’ll invent one if they have to. Can I ask you something, baby? I’m not trying to judge you. I just want to understand.”
“Yeah, of course. Now that you know about my dad, I don’t have any secrets from you,” I told him.
Instead of saying anything right away, he pulled back just enough that he could put his hand under my chin and tilt my face up for a kiss. And for a minute, the rest of the world just disappeared as I lost myself in the absolute rightness of the way it felt to connect with him like this.
I knew that temptation came in all forms, and that sometimes giving in to it felt good, but I’d given in to temptation that felt good in the moment before, like eating a donut in youth group when my dad had told me I wasn’t allowed to. This wasn’t like that. It felt like the most beautiful and pure thing in the world. It was like he’d said that day in the carpentry room. This wasn’t lust. It was love. Real, honest, true love. And love wasn’t wrong. God meant for us to love and be loved.
“I love you,” he whispered when he came up for air.
“I love you too,” I sighed contentedly as I laid my head back on his shoulder. “You realize you don’t have to ask if you can kiss me, right? The answer’s always going to be yes.”
He chuckled. “That wasn’t what I wanted to ask. I’ve just been wanting to do that all night and I couldn’t while we were around other people.”
“I hate hiding,” I admitted. “I hate acting like I’m ashamed of you, because I’m not.”
“I know. I do too, but if it keeps you safe, it’s worth it. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to keep you safe. And that does tie in with what I wanted to ask you. Like I said, I’m not judging or trying to pressure you into anything here. I’m just trying to understand. I know you’re scared, but why don’t you tell someone about what’s going on? Peter and Marie, or your guidance counselor at school?”
I sighed. I knew this would come up at some point, and I knew it wasn’t fair to him for me not to tell him everything. But part of the reason why I wouldn’t talk to anyone was something that would affect his day-to-day life, and I wasn’t sure how he was going to take it. It wasn’t fair for me to ask him not to tell anyone, but I also couldn’t risk him saying something, no matter how much he wanted to.
“I’ll tell you, but you have to promise me something,” I finally said.
“What?” he asked, furrowing his brow.
“You can’t do anything about it, and you can’t tell anyone. No matter how upset you are about it.”
“I promise. I haven’t said a word to anyone about anything you’re dealing with.”
“Okay.” I took a deep breath. “I tried to tell people. Remember Sister Martha and Sister Agatha at St. Bishop’s?”
“Yeah. They were like a hundred years old,” he chuckled weakly. “You told them?”
I nodded. “I tried to. And they talked to my dad about it, but he just told them that I was acting out and that I was a pathological liar who made stories up for attention. He literally managed to convince them that they couldn’t believe a single word that came out of my mouth. Because he’s a man of God, so of course he couldn’t actually be hurting his own daughter, right? And then I got the belt when I got home because my punishments are a private family matter, and I’m not permitted to speak of them to anyone. Ever.”
Brendan took a deep breath, like he was trying to control his anger, and then kissed my forehead. “He’s going to be in for a rude awakening when he gets to the Pearly Gates. So I guess that’s why you don’t feel safe talking to Peter and Marie either. You’re worried that he’ll try to pull the same thing with them.”
“Basically,” I admitted. “It’s not just that, though. I think Marie would believe me, even if Peter didn’t. But the one teacher at St. Bishop’s who believed me, Sister Paula, called CPS. They came to talk to me at school, and then they talked to my dad and he lost it when I got home. It hurt to sit down for a week by the time he was done whipping me with his belt. I don’t know if he’s telling the truth or not, but he said that in case I’m thinking of trying anything like that again, he filed paperwork with CPS that says they can’t talk to me without a parent present. He told them I have emotional problems and it would be too traumatic for me.”
“Damn it,” he muttered. “He’s got you caught between a rock and a hard place. Even if you did tell someone and they believed you and tried to get you help, he’s running interference and trying
to keep CPS from doing their jobs too.”
“Exactly,” I agreed. “And there’s more. This is the part you’re not going to like.”
“You realize I hate everything you’ve already said, right?” he chuckled humorlessly.
I snorted quietly. “I know, but this is different. I asked your mom for help a couple of years ago. I figured that because she was my mom’s best friend, maybe she’d help me. Or at least help my mom, because he doesn’t hit her – at least not that I ever see – but he treats her like the dirt on the bottom of his shoe.”
“And she didn’t do a goddamn thing, did she?” he practically growled.
“Nope,” I said, shaking my head. “And she stopped talking to my mom as much. I think that’s why she started trying to keep you and Nate away from me.”
“So many things make sense now,” he muttered, then took a deep breath. “The day Ethan decided to be a jerk and tell your dad about Kate and Ash, Nate was asking me in the car on the way home about why your dad came into the kids’ room at church and yelled at you. I answered his questions the best I could, and when we got back to the house, my mom told me that I shouldn’t be encouraging Nate’s infatuation with you because she’d been informed that you were, quote, a seriously disturbed child who had major disciplinary issues. I had no idea what the hell she was talking about. Now I get it. She talked to your dad after you asked her for help, he fed her his line of bullshit, and because she worships the ground he walks on, she fell for it, hook, line, and sinker.”
Brendan’s entire body was tense by the time he was done talking, and he was holding me so tight that it kind of hurt. I looked up at him, and his anger was written all over his face. I hated that I had to ask him to keep this to himself, but nothing good could come from him confronting his mother about my plea for help. Not until I was out of this house.
“Please, Brendan. You have to promise me you’re not going to say anything to her about it,” I murmured. “She’ll just go right back to him. I know she will.”
“I don’t have anything to say to her,” he bit out, then looked down at me and took another deep breath. “I’m sorry, Dar. I’m not mad at you. I get why you don’t feel safe talking to someone about what’s happening. I’m mad at everyone who bought the stories your dad spun instead of believing a scared girl who was begging for someone to help her. I’m mad at him for making you feel like you’re living with a ticking time bomb every second of every day.”
“I know,” I assured him. “I know you’re not mad at me. I just…that’s why I didn’t want to tell you. Because you have to live with your mom and know that she’s part of the problem, and you can’t even say anything to her about it because if it gets back to my dad, I honestly don’t know what’ll happen. Just…believe me when I say that the best thing I can do is keep my head down and grin and bear it for another four years, and then go to college somewhere far away so I can move out of the house.”
Instead of responding to that, he gave me a kiss that took my breath away. The kind of kiss that said more than words ever could about how he felt. I could feel so much love and heartache pouring out of him that it almost drowned me.
“I don’t know how yet, but I swear to God, I’m going to get you out of here as soon as you turn eighteen.” His voice broke at the end, and I heard a quiet sniffle as he rested his forehead against mine. “You’re not staying in this house a second longer than you have to. I promise you.”
I opened my mouth to respond, but a yawn came out instead. Talking about all of this had been emotionally draining. I was glad we’d had this conversation, though. Now everything was out in the open and I didn’t have any more secrets from him.
Brendan turned on my bedside lamp, then moved to get up, but I groaned in protest and tightened my arms around him. I knew it was late, but I didn’t want him to leave yet. Even though I knew it was dangerous because my dad could walk in at any second, I felt safer with him here.
“I’m not leaving yet,” he chuckled, kissing my forehead. “I’m just going to turn the light off so you can try to get some rest. But I’m going to stay with you until you fall asleep. Okay?”
I smiled. “Okay.”
He gave me another quick kiss, then got up and turned the main light off. I pulled my blanket around me before lying down, and he crawled in next to me. I stiffened a little bit as I realized that I was actually lying in bed with a boy. Even though we were both fully clothed, this was crossing a line there was no coming back from. And it was a slippery slope I’d just put myself on. I trusted him not to try anything else with me, but this was still wrong. Wasn’t it?
“I can hear the gears turning in your head, Dar,” he murmured. “Stop thinking so much.”
“I can’t help it,” I mumbled, my cheeks heating with embarrassment.
“Come here.” He pulled me into his arms, and I let him envelop me in an embrace as I rested my head on his chest. “I’ll never try to make you do anything you’re not comfortable with. If this is all you ever want to give me, I’ll die a happy man. There was a time not so long ago when even getting to kiss you or hold you like this seemed impossible. And the day that changed was the best day of my whole life.”
I smiled and looked up at him, and he kissed my forehead.
“It was the best day of my life too,” I told him. “That night, after you brought me home from the dance, when I was lying in bed and in more pain than I’d ever experienced in my whole life, I prayed and asked God to show me just a little glimpse of His plan for me. To show me that my suffering had a purpose. And He did. Two days later, you asked me to take a leap of faith with you and trust that He had a plan for us. For years, I’ve asked God for help. For strength. And you were the answer to all those prayers.”
Brendan pulled me up a little bit and gave me a soft, sweet kiss full of so much pure love that I thought I might explode.
“Close your eyes, baby,” he whispered. “Try to get some sleep. You’re safe with me.”
Chapter 17
Brendan
Headstrong
SIX WEEKS LATER
I rolled my eyes when I heard a rap on my bedroom door. I was finally free from school for three weeks, and I was in the middle of applying a base coat of paint to my cabinet from carpentry class so Nathan and I could start painting it tomorrow. And since he had a play date with a family from church, I knew there was no one on the other side of that door that I could possibly have wanted to talk to.
When Darla first told me about what my mom did – or rather, what she didn’t do – I’d honestly thought it would be easier to deal with it and just go on with my life. But every second that I was in this house was just a stark reminder of how little my mom cared about anyone other than herself. And every time I looked at her, I wanted to just scream at her for showing so little care toward a scared girl who came to her for help. But I couldn’t do that, because I knew Darla was right. Anything I said to my mom would just get right back to Pastor Jones, and the only thing it would accomplish was putting the girl I loved in more danger.
“What, Mom?” I snapped, not even bothering to get up off the floor.
“Sweetheart, I have such a bad headache,” my mom moaned dramatically as she opened the door, pinching her forehead for emphasis. “Do you think you could pick Nathan up from his play date for me?”
How did I know that was coming?
Maybe she’d always foisted Nathan off on me every chance she got and I just hadn’t noticed it until now because I loved spending time with him, but lately, it literally seemed like she went out of her way to avoid having anything to do with him. It was like she had completely lost interest in raising her son, just like what Nathan would have done with a pet hamster or guinea pig as soon as the novelty wore off.
“I’m kind of in the middle of something here, Mom,” I said flatly, gesturing toward the half-painted cabinet that was sitting on a huge sheet of plastic.
“It’ll only take you twenty minutes,” she w
hined.
“And by that logic, it would only take you twenty minutes to pick him up,” I countered.
“Oh, I really shouldn’t be driving in my condition, honey,” she sniveled.
I rolled my eyes at her obvious ploy for sympathy. It wasn’t like I’d ever say no to doing anything for my brother, but the thing was, she knew that and took advantage of it. It was like she was using my love for him against me, or at least using it to manipulate me.
“What are you going to do in a year and a half when I’m not around anymore, Mom?” I growled as I put the lid on the paint can and started to clean off the brush.
“What are you talking about?” she scoffed. “You’re going to the College of Charleston, and you’re going to live at home to save on expenses. That’s always been the plan.”
Oh, my God. Was she actually serious? I mean…was she? She actually thought that I was just going to stay living here for the rest of my life so I could take care of Nathan for her?
Not to mention, she knew that I’d been talking to her brother, my Uncle Paul, about taking an apprenticeship with him at his construction company instead of going to college after I graduated next year. Working there would let me start making a decent living right away. Enough to provide a comfortable life for Darla while she went to college.
Yeah, maybe a lot of people would have thought it was stupid to mold my future plans around Darla. They’d say that high school romance didn’t last, and maybe that was true for most people. But it wasn’t true for us. This wasn’t a fling to me. It was real, and it was forever. I couldn’t imagine the day ever coming when I didn’t love her with every fiber of my being. And I knew I needed to start figuring out how to support us now, so that I could get her out of that house and away from her father the second she turned eighteen.
My Vows Are Sealed (Sealed With a Kiss) Page 18
