Fitzwilliam and Elizabeth

by Greer Boyd

  Elizabeth’s fever finally broke early in the evening of the second day, and she seemed to rest comfortably, her face cleared of anxiety. Jane was so very tired that she sat numbly by the bedside while maids changed the bed linens and yet other maids directed by Mrs. Wyatt bathed and redressed Elizabeth and finally placed her in the freshly made bed where she could rest with even more ease.

  Darcy and the children had been hurried from the room with the promise that they could come back as soon as the maids had completed their job. “William,” inquired Jane as he turned back from the door to acknowledge her, “why do not you and the children refresh yourselves and then come back and they can say good bye for the night?”

  Three quarters of an hour later, Darcy returned with both children in tow. Jane permitted both Thomas and Anne Elizabeth to sit by Elizabeth’s side on the bed for a few minutes, while they each held onto one of her hands. For Darcy’s part, the improvement in Elizabeth and a slight whiff of lavender combined to produce a wave of sheer contentment. “So, my beautiful, very beautiful Elizabeth, they rinsed your hair in water scented with lavender. It suits you, my love,” he thought, almost chuckling out loud.

  He caught himself looking at her in an open and ardent manner, and became quite concerned at his lack of composure, until Jane brought her hand to his arm and gave it a sympathetic squeeze. In that moment, an understanding seemed to pass between Darcy and Jane that over time they might become much, much more than mere acquaintances.

  Eyes still riveted on Elizabeth as she lay in the bed as though simply sleeping, he smiled and again thought to himself, “I do not want to frighten you, my love, but I do not want to let you go either. Not now, not ever. Can I find a way to make you mine?”

  Soon after, he left the guest bedchamber, walked with the children up to the nursery, and knelt down before them so that he would be closer to their eye level. “Master Thomas. Anne Elizabeth. Tomorrow morning you may again go to visit Mrs. Mills if it is approved by your Aunt Georgiana and your Aunt Jane. Until then, you need to mind your nurses and go to bed.” Both children reached up to embrace him, throwing their small arms around his neck in a chorus of, “Nite, Papa.”

  Darcy went to his room to try to get some sleep, but, as the hours slowly ticked by, sleep would not come. He kept seeing Elizabeth as the fever finally broke, when she seemed to rest comfortably with what appeared to be a smile on her lovely face. “Maybe I should go to the library and read for a bit,” he said aloud in a hushed tone close to a whisper. As he walked from his bedchamber toward the stairs, he saw the maid being dismissed from the guest room. He knew that Georgiana was to sit with Elizabeth until the early hours just before dawn.

  Instead of going to the library, he turned and went back to his bedchamber, where he continued to pace for more than a quarter hour, totally awake. Once again, he left his bedchamber and walked to the guest bedchamber. He had quietly opened the door only wide enough to see his sister, when he heard Georgiana softly talking to Elizabeth.

  It was an hour or two past midnight, and, while Elizabeth’s fever had broken a few hours earlier, she still had not awakened. The doctor had visited shortly after the fever broke and told them, “I do not think that she is still unconscious, but merely in a very deep sleep. She should awaken sometime tomorrow morning. However, if she has not awakened by mid-afternoon, please call me again.”

  “Elizabeth,” inquired Georgiana softly as she leaned back in the chair and peered through the window into the darkness of the night, “I do not know if you can hear me or not, but I feel that I know you. Amanda, my sister, shared your letters with me, and I know that she perceived you to be a ‘special friend’ even though she never had the opportunity to meet you in person.

  “In truth, we have not truly met either, yet I also look upon you as a friend. Should I burden you? I am not really sure, but . . .” Georgiana moved one of her hands from where is rested on her lap and gently placed it over one of Elizabeth’s as she continued, “I hope you do not mind, for I dearly need to talk to someone like you.”

  Hesitantly, at first but growing bolder with each word she spoke, she explained, “Jane tells me that you and I are somewhat alike. You remember everything that you have ever read, so I think that you of all people will understand me a bit. You see . . . I remember everything. I always have. Even from the very first time I opened my eyes and saw my brother William’s face.” She chuckled softly at having admitted something that no one would possibly believe, “Yes, I know what you are thinking. ‘No one can remember that far back.’ But Elizabeth, I can. Unfortunately most of the time, it takes quite a long while for me to grow up enough to understand the nature or meaning of the memory. But, I remember it nonetheless.”

  Then she began to tell Elizabeth about herself.

  “When I first saw my brother, his face was so bright with amazement and wonder and so full of love, but then it turned sad and I remember his tears falling to my face as he spoke. ‘Georgiana, I will always be your protector and I will always love you.’ That was the night that my mother died . . . the night that I was born. I do not have any actual memory of her but I ‘remember’ her from what Wills and my father have told me of her. I have seen pictures of her many times and I know that I look remarkably like her. But, I never really ‘knew’ her. Sometimes that makes me very sad, but I know that she loved me just as much as Wills does and Papa did. It was something that I could feel, like the enjoyable comfortable feeling of being wrapped in a warm blanket on a cool night . . . so safe and warm. Do you know what I mean? Somehow I think that you do. You see . . . that is how I remembered George.”

  Darcy had been smiling slightly to himself as he listened to his little sister talk to Elizabeth, but suddenly his fingers froze on the handle of the door and he struggled for breath over the sudden wash of anger that nearly overwhelmed him. He remained as a frozen statue, listening through the slight opening of the door as Georgiana continued.

  “Well, almost how I remembered him at least. I did not actually have the feeling of being wrapped in a warm blanket, but he was always there, he and Wills. Even when the other children did not come to play, there was always Wills and George. We did everything together . . . the three of us. They would ride out with me sitting on the horse in front of Wills until he taught me to ride. Can you believe it? As soon as I could barely walk, he put me on the tiniest pony. I remember it frightened me at first to not have Wills’ strong body wrapped around mine protecting me, but then he would tell me, ‘Georgiana, I am right here. I will not let anything happen to you,’ and I would not be afraid anymore.

  “We would walk out over the fields, and when I could not keep up because my legs were so short and little, one or the other, mostly Wills, would pick me up and carry me on their shoulders. They were so tall. I had the very best view. We were always together, but then Wills had to go away to school. George still came to see me and Papa. The two of them would play chess or cards and then both of them would play with me too, or they would ride out over the fields and Papa would always take me with them.

  “I started to look forward to my time with George almost as much as my time with Papa and Wills. Then, when the fire took George’s family, he came to live in the house with us for a short time and that somehow felt like how it was supposed to be. Of course, when both Wills and George went away to school, it was only Papa and me. I had my governess, Mrs. Endicott, but I missed Wills and George so much.

  “When Wills left to go on his Grand Tour of the Continent, it was like a big black hole had opened inside of me where he used to be. But, sometimes when Mrs. Endicott or Papa and I would go into Lambton or even to London, I would see George, and he would always wave to me. Then, the hole did not seem quite so black anymore.

  “On the day Wills came home from his tour, it felt like the fireworks that I had seen at Vauxhall Gardens were going off in my heart. I wanted to wrap my arms around his legs and hold on tight like I used to when I was little, but he bent down to m
e so that I could hug him tight around the neck instead. Papa and I just kept hugging him, welcoming him home and wanting him never to go away again. I wanted us to be like it used to be when we went everywhere together. I had missed him so very much, and he had brought me my first piece of real jewelry. ‘Georgiana,’ he told me as he smiled brightly, ‘this is grown-up jewelry because you are a lovely young lady now.’ And he gave me the most beautiful sapphire and pearl necklace.

  “But, then it happened. Wills, Papa, and I had gone to ride out to one of Wills’ favourite places on Pemberley. He had told us, ‘As I traveled throughout the Continent, whenever I felt lonely or homesick, I always thought of the small stream just inside the woods at the edge of the far field of Pemberley and felt comforted.’

  “Papa had just let his mount go down to the stream to drink when a shot rang out. I could not tell where it came from, but Papa’s horse reared up high into the air. Then, because of the mud beside the stream, the horse slipped and they fell backward. Both of them fell into the stream. I ran to Papa, but Wills got there first and pulled him from the water. I could see that he was hurt and I wanted to stay with him, but Wills sent me away to get help.

  “I wanted to stay but there was no one else. I rode my little mare as fast as I could to get help and when I got back, I ran to Papa and Wills. But when I looked into Wills face, I saw the face that had changed from happiness to deep sadness so many years ago. At that very moment, I knew what that face meant. I realized that Papa was gone, just like Mama was, and I knew that it was only going to be Wills and me now.

  “There was a darkness that swept over me, and it seemed so ominous that it almost took my breath away. Wills and I rode in the back of a wagon from the stream all the way back to Pemberley House with Papa lying at our feet and his head lolling from side to side with each pull on the wagon as the horses slowly trod over the fields.

  “When we were finally home, Wills carried me up the stairs to my bedchamber and then left me there with Mrs. Reynolds. I walked from my room as the men brought Papa’s body up the stairs, and I just stood there in the hallway outside his bedchamber until I realized that my brother was not with me. Poor Wills. I went back down the stairs to find him in Papa’s study. Then, the doctor came to Wills and me, and he called Wills ‘Mr. Darcy.’ I was holding Will’s hand, and I could feel him go stiff all over. The doctor had finished talking to us, so I walked him out. When I came back to the study, I saw Mrs. Reynolds holding Wills as he cried. That was when I knew that a ‘darkness’ had swept over him, too.

  “I wanted so much for Wills to hold me close and make me feel safe and warm like he had that very first time, but now he needed someone to hold him and make him feel safe and warm. Suddenly, I did not want to do anything that would ever add to Wills’ burden.

  “Slowly, I started to feel like one of the turtles that often sat on the partially submerged log in the pond fed by that same small stream in the woods at the far field. I drew into myself and started to fear that I would do or say something wrong or do something bad that would hurt him. I did not know where the brave fearless hoyden, that I had once been, had gone and I could not seem to find her again. Wills and Cousin Richard decided that I should go to Mrs. Banks’ School for Young Ladies in London. That, at the school, I might again find my joie de vivre, my joy for life, or at least that is what Cousin Richard said.

  “I wanted to stay with Wills so much. But he told me that it was time for me to go to school to learn the things that I needed to prepare me for my future. I thought that he was just sending me away because he did not want me anymore. My heart just ached so much for the loss of him. But, then, when I was in London, I would see George sometimes and even though he did not stop to speak to me often, he would always wave to me and I began to feel that he cared for me in a way that Wills no longer could.”

  Looking at the still figure quietly sleeping, she raised her voice as her frustration and humiliation threatened to undo her, “Oh! Elizabeth! How foolish . . . Oh how foolish I was. I allowed my misguided feeling that George cared for me to get in the way of my good sense.”

  Darcy felt like the worst kind of interloper, but he had to stay. At that moment, he was not sure that his feet would have carried him away even if he had wished to go. Maybe for the first time, he would finally know what happened to her at Ramsgate. Georgiana removed her hands from Elizabeth’s and sat back further into the chair. Taking a deep breath, she let it out slowly, as her gaze rested on the slumbering figure on the bed, and continued her tale.

  “When I was fifteen, I had been at Mrs. Banks’ school for over four years, and I finally talked Wills and Cousin Richard into letting me leave the school and live in an establishment set up for me in Ramsgate with a few servants and my new companion, Mrs. Younge. I was to continue my studies with music and art masters who were to come to me there.

  “When I had been in Ramsgate only a week or two, I happened to see George strolling along the seashore one day. When he came over to where Mrs. Younge and I were standing to enjoy the view of the sea, we struck up a conversation. I met him occasionally over the next weeks as I would stroll with Mrs. Younge along the sea path or amid the various shops. We conversed quite comfortably until one day Mrs. Younge encouraged me to invite George to take tea with me. Soon he was coming by every day, until I felt that I was quite in love with him, and that he was in love with me. He talked to me of the beauty of my eyes and the golden gossamer of my hair. How my scent of vanilla and jasmine kept me eternally on his mind.”

  Reaching again for the comfort of Elizabeth’s hand, she cried “Good God, Elizabeth, I am so ashamed of myself . . . so very ashamed.” With resolve, she regained her composure and continued to tell her story.

  “One day he asked if he could hold my hand, and when I uncertainly gave it to him, he slowly began to draw intimate circles on the back with the pad of his thumb.”

  Darcy thought that he would faint, so he released the handle to the door and leaving it still open slightly, leaned his tall frame against the wall only inches from the frame of the door. In his mind’s eye, he could see what George was doing . . . knew what George was doing. He heard the volume of Georgiana’s voice drop, but he could still hear as she continued to talk to Elizabeth.

  “He turned my hand over and kissed first my palm and then a trail from my palm to my wrist. He said to me, ‘Mon amour innocent (my innocent love).’ His kisses were so soft and warm, and I had no idea what to think. But, his calling me his ‘innocent love’ should have alerted me. I felt something like a warm surge flow from my palm up my arm and then spread to settle over the womanly parts of my body. When George left, I almost ran after him to ask him to stay with me.

  “I had never felt such things until that day. It frightened me until I spoke of it to Mrs. Younge and she told me, ‘Why, Georgiana, you must truly be in love with Mr. Wickham, because you could not have such feelings if you were not.’ I should have been wiser, much, much wiser. Mrs. Younge was the only one . . . governess, teacher, or companion . . . who had ever told me such a thing. All the others had always told me to be wary and to never allow such a thing to happen.”

  Springing from her chair to look through the window, as scattered clouds covered and uncovered the moon, she bowed her head almost in despair. “Elizabeth, I am so ashamed to say, but those feelings were so new and felt so wonderfully good and delightful that I did not want to feel wary.

  “After that first kiss on my palm, whenever he came to tea, he would again kiss my palm and wrist until one day he did really and truly kiss me.

  “It felt so wonderful. His lips were as gentle as butterfly wings as they caressed mine, softly encouraging me to open my lips and let his tongue in to explore my mouth. I felt myself drawn to challenge his exploration with my own tongue, and slowly I was caught up in a swell of desire. Oh! I know I should not have allowed it, but he caressed my breast through the muslin of my day gown, and I had such a longing come over me. I began to feel safe a
nd warm just like in the beginning . . . like I was wrapped in a warm blanket, and I had not had that feeling for so long, so very long.”