Waiting for you: A troubled vulnerable hero romance

by E. V. White

“Never better,” he replied, actually feeling like dying inside.

  He had never thought that Emily did not want him around. He was so concerned about making her feel at home, protecting her, and pulling her out of trouble that he never stopped to think what she really wanted. He had behaved exactly how Matt had behaved with him, believing that what he did was best for her but, in truth, it was all about him.

  “Alex, Iʼm sorry,” Matt said sincerely.

  “I said Iʼm fine,” he snapped.

  He could not tell his friend how he was hurting at that moment. He did not have the desire nor the strength to think about it and, on top of it, did not even have a drop of alcohol in the house that would help him numb the feeling of his heart breaking in his chest. He did not realise, until then, how important Emily was to him and how he had taken for granted that she was always going to be in his future. He never gave it a second thought with a clear mind; and, when he did think about it, he was never able to find a solution. At that moment, though, he understood that the solution had always been there, he just did not want to see it.

  “Ok, said Matt, not completely convinced by his response. “Letʼs talk about next week’s concert, then,” he added.

  Alex was happy to change the subject and focus on something else.

  Emily felt her heart sink when the bell push sounded at the pastry shop, announcing their arrival. Their grandmother behind the counter looked up and smiled upon seeing them. When she noticed the tears running down Emilyʼs face and the bags they had with them, her expression turned from happy to concern in a matter of seconds as she loudly called for her husband, who was lurking in the back room, and rushed towards them.

  The womanʼs arms embraced Emily and Hannah and both the girls burst into a liberating cry as their grandfather reached them.

  “What happened?” The woman breathed, worried.

  “Can we stay here for a couple of days until we find another place?” Emily asked embarrassed.

  She had never wanted to go to them to ask for such an enormous favour. She was afraid it might have looked like a scheme to put pressure on their eventual decision when, in fact, it was not. They needed a fixed place to stay without having to beg in the streets again, and once she found a job that could support them both, they would be able to rent a room to live in.

  “Of course you can stay, don’t even think about it,” the woman assured them with urgency.

  “Honey...” her husband mumbled anxiously.

  “Paul, even if they arenʼt our grandchildren, would you really allow them to sleep on the streets?” She scolded him.

  The man said nothing and watched her with apprehension. Emily had understood then that they had been discussing the situation thoroughly and had not yet made a decision. Then again, it would be difficult for anyone suddenly to find themselves with two granddaughters whose existence were never revealed to them because their daughter ran away twenty years before.

  “I swear weʼll go as soon as we find a permanent place to stay. We had to leave the apartment where we were before we could find another one,” she tried to reassure them.

  “You were the one who suddenly decided to go,” Hannah muttered vexed, loud enough so that the others could hear.

  Emily turned to her with a look of reproach.

  “Yes, Hannah, we couldn’t take advantage of that arrangement any longer,” she hissed at her sister. “We were at a friendʼs who has to leave for a tour and we can’t stay alone in his apartment,” she lied to the two people in front of her.

  The womanʼs worried features softened while the man sighed, almost resigned.

  “Are you hungry?” She asked with love and accompanied them to the bakeryʼs counter.

  *

  Alex, Jaden, Matt and Jordan sat in the room behind the stage as they waited for the concert to begin.

  “So you donʼt drink anymore,” Jaden managed to repeat for the umpteenth time.

  “For the millionth time, no, I donʼt drink alcohol anymore. But if you keep asking me I’ll start again out of despair,” Alex said exasperated.

  “And you donʼt even shag anyone anymore?” Jordan asked, puzzled.

  Alex looked surprised, raising both eyebrows.

  “Who told you such a thing?” He demanded in disbelief.

  “No one,” answered Jordan. “Usually, though, before every concert, we would have to drag you out of the loo with your condom still on because you were shagging a different girl every night. But today youʼre here sipping… Coca Cola,” he claimed. “You have to admit itʼs weird. Iʼm not used to having to wait because we’re early,” he concluded.

  Alex laughed.

  “Sorry if Iʼm behaving like a responsible adult. If Iʼm not mistaken, you kicked me out due to the contrary. What are you complaining about now?” Alex asked, laughing.

  Jaden sank into the sofa in shame.

  “Do you still have to bring that up? We were wrong, okay?” He affirmed with a guilty voice.

  Alex looked at him but said nothing. He did not want to make them feel guilty, but he was still angry that they had let him go at the first hitch. He was almost certain that Matt had been the ringleader, but the others certainly gave little resistance.

  “How much longer before we go out there?” Matt asked to break the tension that Jadenʼs question helped create.

  Alex looked at his phone.

  “Twenty minutes, twenty fucking minutes,” he said tilting his head back in despair.

  The others groaned with disappointment.

  “Look, you have twenty minutes to find yourself a girl, go to the loo and shag,” Jordan teased. “Old habits, you know. It drives me crazy seeing you sip a Coke,” he added.

  Alex smiled but said nothing. Since he met Emily, his interest in females had gone from one hundred to zero. No other girl stimulated or interested him like her. He had learned that caring for someone was not so bad. In fact, in some ways it was nice to take care of a person, making him think less about sex, which was an escape for him just like alcohol. Emily, on the other hand, he loved holding, but he never thought of her as someone to have sex with, not because she wasnʼt attractive, she was in fact one of the most beautiful girls he had ever encountered, but because sex would not have been enough. He wanted to hold her and kiss her, to taste her skin so irresistibly scented, to taste her lips. He cast away these thoughts from his head when Matt called his attention.

  “Sorry, what?” Alex mumbled.

  “I said twenty minutes have passed, we start now.”

  Alex did not even notice that he had been detached for so long. He stood up, grabbed his guitar, took the stage and felt lost. The feeling of confidence that had always empowered him once up there did not manifest itself this time. He put the hood of his sweatshirt over his head as he did every time he wanted to hide from the world and approached the microphone. He looked at some girls who were in the front row but did not find the only two big brown eyes that would have restored his nerve. He began to sing and heard his own voice coming out unsteady. The audience reaction was not the one he usually got when was up on stage and it took him an eternity to get in tune with what he was playing. Everything that night was strange and deprived of the slightest emotion. He kept wondering what he was doing there instead of being at home wrapping Emily in his arms. Something she did not want, which he became conscious of only after having had mulled it over.

  Alex was at the bar with a bottle of water in front of him. He was being approached by Matt, who was followed by Christopher. His friend did not look happy at all, and he could understand the reason as the concert did not turn out to be anything special. It was not bad, just a little bland. He could not help but wonder if alcohol had clouded him so much over the years causing him not to realise how awful he actually was as a musician.

  “Letʼs get straight to the point,” said Christopher seriously. “Iʼm not here to get my hands on another group that wants to make it big but doesn’t have the guts to do it. Either you
bring me a new song and come back to play the way you used to or it ends here,” he stated bluntly.

  Alex did not even have the courage to look straight into his eyes. He felt embarrassed and wondered if he was really able to do such a thing. Maybe he had always made a fool of himself in front of the audience and, now, the simple truth was just being slammed in his face.

  “How long have we got?” Matt asked with a voice that tried not to let all the anger and disappointment show through, failing, however, in the attempt.

  “I wonʼt give you deadlines anymore, thereʼs no point with you. Bring me something, and if there’s still a way to work together, we’ll move forward,” he stated before putting on his jacket and leaving.

  Matt said nothing as he ordered a scotch and Alex continued staring at the water bottle thinking and rethinking about what he had done wrong. Throughout his entire life, he had thought that making music was the only thing that was worth living for, but, at that moment, that certainty had disappeared as well. He pursued a dream while letting go of the only person who had made him feel safe without alcohol. It was true that she did not want him, but it was also true that he did nothing to stop her.

  Matt placed his glass of scotch in front of him and went closer to his ear.

  “If the only way to accomplish something in your life is by getting drunk, I beg you to do it. Because youʼre fucking up everyone around you,” he hissed before leaving.

  Alex was flabbergasted. He had never expected such a backlash from his best friend. He looked at the glass, picked it up and sniffed it. Unlike the last time, the smell did not disturb him; in fact, it was so inviting that his brain begged him to taste a drop of it, just one. At that moment, though, there was another thing that made him feel even worse and made his stomach turn: the idea of needing to drink to solve his problems. Alcohol had made him make really bad decisions that have resulted in the probability of losing Emily. The idea of the lifeless girl on his couch forcefully invaded his mind, enough to make him feel physically ill. He felt his heart stop in his chest and started to feel out of breath.

  He looked around and saw that no one around him had noticed. He was dying inside and no one in the room was aware of it. He had made a choice: he had decided to stay with the family he had always known and had grown up with; but at that moment, he wondered if he had made a wise decision. He put the glass back on the counter, picked up his things and left the club.

  *

  Alex was in front of the bakery window of Emilyʼs grandparents, far enough not to be seen, but close enough to be able to recognise the people inside. The girl was behind the counter busily serving customers, she looked happy. Perhaps she had found the family she had deserved and Alex wondered if she really did not want him to be a part of it. For weeks, he felt their connection get deeper but in an instant, with a few sentences, she nullified everything. He needed an explanation, at least for that. He lit another cigarette, smoked it then went closer to the door and opened it.

  Emilyʼs face appeared surprised, but not angry. She finished serving the customer in front of her, and then asked the woman Alex imagined to be her grandmother to give her a few minutes. Her grandmother looked at her first, then at Alex. She smiled at her and let her go, taking care of the person waiting to be served.

  “Itʼs not a good time, Iʼm working,” she apologised, looking over her shoulder at the woman being swamped.

  “I only need a few minutes of your time, I just want to know how you’re doing,” stammered Alex a little embarrassed.

  When he left home the speech in his head was perfect, but after entering the door every word that was engraved in his brain had now vanished.

  “Iʼm fine. They let me work here. We’re living with them, but when I save enough money we’ll look for another place,” she explained.

  Alex nodded. The more he looked at her, the more his desire to tell her to “come back home, you have a place to come back to” deepened, but was not able to verbalise it.

  “Why canʼt you stay with them?” He finally asked.

  “Apparently, my mother has got two brothers she never told us about, and they are reasonably questioning our claims. They tried talking to my mother who kindly told them that they could very well keep ‘the two ingrates’. They rightly want to understand what they can legally do. It’s actually not so simple,” she explained in a nutshell. “At least they let me work here and our grandparents are kind,” she added, probably noticing his disappointed face.

  Alex did not know what to do. He wanted to take her by her arm and drag her up to his flat, but he did not dare touch her.

  “And they have no intention of helping you? Your sister’s still a child. I mean, you’re their sisterʼs daughters,” he tried to understand.

  “Alex, they never knew of our existence, we’re simply strangers to them,” the girl tried to justify their behaviour. “Listen, I have to go, I shouldn’t be taking such a long break. Iʼm glad you stopped by, but now I have to go,” she said, pointing to the counter where she was serving customers before he walked in to talk to her.

  Alex glanced at her grandmother who was observing them. The place was empty and the customers inside had already been helped so there was really no need for her to rush to go back to work. He realised then that she probably did not want him there and his heart broke a little bit more.

  “Ok, I just wanted to know if you were all right,” he said before turning and walking out the door he had entered.

  He walked a few feet without even looking back. When he was certain that he was far enough, he stopped to catch his breath. He turned back towards the window and saw that Emily was back behind the counter. She looked thoughtful and he knew in his heart that he was the cause of her current state of mind. Without even being aware of it, his legs led him back to the shop while his brain screamed that she did not want him.

  For the second time, Emily seemed surprised to see him enter. This time Alex went straight to the counter, pulled out the spare keys to his flat and placed them in front of her.

  “You have a place to go if you want. You have a home,” he told her and then turned around and scrambled out as quickly as he had entered.

  Emily had been holding his keys for hours, since the moment she finished her afternoon shift at the bakery. Alex was not good at verbalising his feelings aloud, but he had given her his flat keys once before and had trusted her without asking for anything in return. She looked up at his flat, the lights were off and she did not even know if he was home. Rationally, she knew that it would be the worst choice she could ever make. She had a sister to look after and he had a music career to start. Both of them were in a position in which they could not afford to complicate their lives with something that she did not even know what it was. These reasons and common sense were hammering away in her mind for hours, without affecting, not even by mistake, her heart. At that moment, in fact, she was taking the last flight of stairs leading to the flat she had called home not so long ago.

  She stopped in front of the door, conflicted. She thought it over again, turned around to go back and then stopped again before retaking the same steps. She turned back slowly and wondered what she would do if he was not home. After all, the flat was dark and he was most likely out. She decided that she would improvise once she came face to face with what was behind the door in front of her. She put the key in the keyhole and slowly turned it.

  Alex had been sitting in the dark for hours now. He thought back to the words he had said to Emily and cursed himself for not being convincing enough. It had always been his problem. He had spent so many years withdrawn into himself without talking to anyone that he had forgotten how to do it. The last time he had tried to do it he was still a child and found himself in front of his motherʼs icy heart. When he heard the key turning in the lock, his heart raced.

  Emily walked through the door.

  “Alex?” She called him.

  “On the couch,” he answered.

  He was
so happy that she had decided to come back that his brain could not process the simple information of getting up and going to welcome her.

  “Jesus Christ! Why are you sitting here in the dark?” She asked in a high-pitched voice aggravated by the fright she had just received.

  Alex chuckled.

  “I didn’t even notice,” he confessed candidly.

  Emily went closer to him and sat on the coffee table in front of him. Alex leaned forward to get a better look at her using the dim streetlight passing through the window. He reached his hand out to touch her face, but then withdrew it just before coming in contact with it. She smiled, took his hand and placed it on her cheek. Her skin was soft, much different from the last time he had touched it. With a finger, he traced her cheekbone profile then moved down onto her cheek and touched the edge of her lower lip. She looked at him without moving, studying his every move, almost without breathing.

  Alex watched her carefully. He wanted to engrave every inch of her face in his mind. He had never looked at the women he was with for long since every one of them had reminded him of the women who had abandoned him in his life, either voluntarily like his mother or involuntarily like his sister. Emily was a new beginning, a new discovery.

  He slowly put his face next to hers: she smelled of baked goods and it drove him mad. He slowly closed in the distance and placed his lips on hers. The last time he had kissed someone he was a boy and that kiss with Emily reminded him of a happy home. He pulled back, enough to look into her eyes, but found them half-closed. He smiled and turned his gaze back on her lips, then began to kiss her again as gently as before. This time his tongue savoured the taste of her skin and she surrendered to him even more. She yielded to him, letting him indulge in their kiss, meeting her tongue in a slow, sweet yet sensual motion.

  They both fell back slightly and gazed in one another’s eyes. Alex tried to determine if there was a sign of hesitation or embarrassment from her but found none. He needed to taste her lips and tongue again; he put a hand on her face and pulled her towards him once more.