The Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the Apocalypse

by Robert Rankin

  The sun fell through a high mullioned window. The vista beyond the windows was of Knob Hill and the toymaker’s house.

  Mr Sredna sat behind an expansive desk laden with many precious things. Jon stood before the window, gazing out of it. Eddie sat upon the floor. Eddie was a very puzzled bear.

  ‘This is a serious breach of security,’ said Mr Sredna. ‘It is strictly forbidden.’

  ‘The situation merited drastic action,’ said Jon Kelly, turning. ‘A number of serious faults have developed in the latest presidential model.’

  ‘Surely not,’ said Mr Sredna, making a surprised face. ‘I oversaw the construction of that model myself. It should run flawlessly throughout its term of office. They’ve not let it get in the rain, have they? The buyers were told that it’s not fully waterproof.’

  Eddie made an exasperated face. ‘Will somebody please tell me what is going on?’ he said. ‘I’m losing my mind here.’

  Jon Kelly (codename Jack) smiled down upon Eddie. ‘You,’ said he, ‘are a very intelligent little bear. It has actually been a great pleasure working with you.’

  ‘Thank you,’ said Eddie. ‘But …’

  ‘We’ll have to kill him, though,’ said Mr Sredna.

  ‘Of course,’ said Jon Kelly. ‘We can’t have any loose ends dangling around. But it has been a pleasure. And as I will be killing him …’

  ‘You?’ said Eddie.

  ‘It really doesn’t matter if he knows the truth.’ Jon Kelly smiled upon Eddie. ‘My name, as I said, is Jon Kelly. I work for the Sredna Corporation, a corporation in the world beyond. Originally a toy company, it dates back two hundred years or so: Purveyors of Clockwork Automata to the Gentry. But times and tastes change. When I told you, Eddie, that there was another world out there, beyond the world of Toy City, I was telling all of the truth. There is such a world. I come from there. I grew up there. I never worked in any clockwork factory, although I do know all about clockwork.’

  ‘But Jack, everything we’ve been through together—’

  ‘It was all for a purpose, Eddie. I had to contact Mr Sredna here. He’s been missing for two months. We had to know what happened to him, why he had not returned to the outer world. However, Mr Sredna is a very hard man to track down.’

  ‘I have to be,’ said Mr Sredna. ‘I am known here. I’ve had to remain in hiding and disguise until all my plans were completed.’

  ‘I understand that now,’ said Jon Kelly.

  ‘But soon, everyone will know my name.’ There was a terrible tone to the voice, and a madness in the eyes of Mr Sredna. Neither went unnoticed by either Eddie or Jon.

  ‘Well, what you choose to do here in Toy City is your business,’ said Jon Kelly, ‘but what goes on out there in the world beyond is a different matter. And if a presidential model fails, then the Sredna Corporation’s reputation is at stake.’

  ‘What is a presidential model?’ Eddie asked.

  ‘A kind of toy,’ said Jon. ‘Mr Sredna here employs his toy-making skills in the world beyond. And he does make exceedingly good toys. Very life-like. The Sredna Corporation supplies these toys to countries all over our world. These toys then appear to run these countries. But naturally they don’t actually do that. The owners of these toys are the big business consortiums that can afford to buy them from Mr Sredna. It’s all just good business. It’s a businessman thing.’

  ‘It sounds ghastly,’ said Eddie. ‘It sounds as corrupt as.’

  ‘Oh it is,’ said Mr Sredna. ‘Totally. But then, what isn’t? Who isn’t?’

  ‘I’m not,’ said Eddie. ‘And I didn’t think that Jack was. I’m very upset.’

  ‘Your city is quite amazing,’ Jon Kelly said to Mr Sredna. ‘When the corporation executives sent me here to find you, they told me that this city was inhabited by toys which actually thought for themselves; actually lived their own lives. I never really believed them. Never thought it possible. There is a magic here in Toy City, there’s no doubt about that.’

  ‘Of course there is.’ Mr Sredna leaned back in his chair and interlinked his long, narrow fingers. ‘If it wasn’t for the fact that certain things can be done here in this world that cannot be done out there, there could be no Sredna Corporation.’

  Eddie punched himself violently in the head. ‘I am going mad,’ he declared. ‘Jack, you’re my friend. You’re my bestest friend. You and I were tracking down the evil twin. Have you forgotten about that?’

  Jon glanced towards Mr Sredna. ‘What about that?’ he asked.

  ‘Nothing you need concern yourself with,’ said Mr Sredna.

  ‘I’d like to know.’

  ‘Then you shall.’ The madness was once more in the eyes. ‘Those nursery rhymers: they deserved what they got. And I gave it to them, one at a time, in the order that they became famous. I’ve always hated them. I didn’t mean for them to become rich and famous, but they did, and they had me to thank for it. But did they thank me? No, they sided with my brother and threw me out of the city.’

  ‘Your brother?’ said Eddie. ‘Tell me about your brother.’

  ‘The toymaker,’ said Mr Sredna.

  ‘So you are the evil twin. There, Jack, he’s confessed.’

  ‘I’m not evil! How dare you!’ Mr Sredna brought his fists down hard upon the table. ‘Evil twin this! Evil twin that! I’m not evil. Never was evil. I am innovative. Imaginative. Special! But because I didn’t play by the rules, follow the instructions, do things the way they were supposed to be done, I was cast from this world by that ungrateful scum.’

  Eddie cowered on the floor.

  ‘Let me tell you,’ said Mr Sredna, ‘who really wrote those nursery rhymes.’

  ‘Really wrote?’ said Eddie. ‘Didn’t Wheatley Porterman write them?’

  ‘I wrote them!’ Mr Sredna fairly bellowed. ‘They’re supposed to be hymns, not damn nursery rhymes.’

  ‘Hymns?’ said Eddie. ‘But—’

  ‘Each one of them is a parable.’ Mr Sredna leaned across his desk and scowled down at Eddie. ‘They’re all parables. Take the hymn of Jack and Jill: of course you can’t go up a hill to fetch a pail of water. What the hymn really means is that if you spend your life seeking to achieve impossible goals, rather than doing something useful, you will surely tumble to earth. It’s pretty damn obvious, isn’t it?’

  ‘I suppose it is,’ said Eddie. ‘So they’re all like that, are they? They’re all, like, parables; they all have real meanings?’

  ‘Of course they do!’ Mr Sredna drummed his fists upon his expansive desk, rattling precious things. ‘They all mean something. They were supposed to be instructive. They were Holy Writ.’

  ‘What?’ said Jon Kelly.

  ‘Holy Writ!’ Mr Sredna’s voice rose in zeal. ‘Which is another reason that I was ousted. Gods aren’t supposed to write their own Holy Writ. Gods are supposed to be “hands-off ”. Leave the writing of Holy Writ to “inspired” mortals. And what happens to theirs? The same as happened to mine. Misinterpreted! You can’t produce any kind of Holy Writ without some oaf misinterpreting it. I write deep-meaningful hymns. And the trash that I wrote those moving deep-meaningful hymns about, the examples of man’s folly, they get rich and famous from the proceeds. And because I’ve upset them, they conspire against me and then rise up and throw me out of the city. Me, a God in my own right: they throw me out. What kind of insane irony is that, I ask you?’

  Jon Kelly shook his head. ‘I don’t know,’ he said.

  ‘Enough to drive anyone mad,’ said Mr Sredna. ‘You think about any one of those “nursery rhymes”, think about what the words actually say, actually mean. But nobody ever has. It was all wasted, all my time and effort wasted. But not any more. Away with the old and in with the new. All of this is going, all of it.’

  ‘All?’ said Eddie.

  ‘I’m erasing the city,’ said Mr Sredna. ‘Starting with the rich and famous folk, then working all the way down.’

  ‘To the toys?’ said Eddie.

>   ‘All going,’ said Mr Sredna, making sweeping hand motions. ‘As soon as the new order comes off the assembly lines, I’ll have them do away with the old. It has been all fun and games for me, wiping out the old rich one at a time, coming up with ingenious scenarios, throwing the city into chaos. This city is a mess, but I’m changing all that: a Heaven on Earth, and I shall be the God in this Heaven.’

  ‘And your brother?’ said Eddie. ‘What about your brother?’

  ‘He’ll have to go too. He’s an old fool. He believes in the “hands off ” school of deity, that a God should simply let things happen, remain neutral. If you want someone to blame for the way this city is now, blame him. If I’d been around I’d never have let it get into this state. But I’m back now and things are going to be very different. Very, very different. So it’s goodbye to the kindly loveable white-haired old toymaker. And not before time, in my opinion.’

  Jon looked at Eddie.

  And Eddie looked at Jon.

  Neither had anything to say.

  ‘But let’s get back to business,’ said Mr Sredna, smiling towards Jon. ‘A problem with the presidential model, you said.’

  ‘Its decision-making processes are not functioning as precisely as might be desired. It seems to be growing altogether too fierce. Might I say, somewhat warlike.’

  ‘Nothing wrong with warlike,’ said Mr Sredna. ‘Warlike I like. You can quote me on that, if you like.’

  ‘The corporation does not like,’ said Jon. ‘The Sredna Corporation’s products are held in such high esteem by the companies that purchase them because they are designed to keep the peace. To uphold order and maintain the status quo.’

  ‘Oh, that,’ said Eddie. ‘We all know about the status quo here in Toy City.’

  ‘Shut up, bear,’ said Mr Sredna.

  ‘He has a point,’ said Jon Kelly.

  ‘Yes, and I’ve explained why this city is such a mess. Because I was thrown out and my stupid brother was left in charge. And what did he do? Remained neutral, let free will take its course. Free will! Free will was never a good concept. Social order is only maintained if every will is guided towards a single purpose, that of maintaining the status quo.’

  ‘All right for some,’ said Eddie, ‘those at the top. Rubbish for the rest of us.’

  ‘The rest of you will soon be no more,’ said Mr Sredna. ‘Those of you who will bow the knee to the new social order will survive to do so. The rest will be disappeared.’

  ‘Jack,’ said Eddie, ‘say something to this loony. You’re not going along with all this, are you? You don’t really believe in all this? I know you, Jack. You are my bestest friend. I can’t believe you’re a part of this. Tell me it’s not so.’

  ‘Sorry,’ said Jon Kelly. ‘It’s business. The world out there is a mess too. It needs order. It needs control. Mr Sredna’s creations have given order to the world out there for the last hundred years. Apart from the occasional hiccough or two.’

  ‘Oh, yes,’ said Mr Sredna. ‘You’re going to mention Hitler, aren’t you? Whenever there is a design problem or a mechanical fault, you people always bring up Hitler.’

  ‘He was more than a mechanical fault.’

  ‘A couple of cogwheels in the wrong place. I apologised.’

  ‘So I understand,’ said Jon Kelly. ‘Sorry to mention him.’

  ‘Hitler?’ said Eddie. ‘Who’s Hitler?’

  ‘You really don’t want to know,’ said Jon Kelly. ‘But listen, Mr Sredna. Something has to be done about the current presidential model. You will have to come in person and rectify the faults.’

  ‘Yes, yes, all right. But not until I’ve finished my business here. I have to finish off the famous folk and my brother and I want to be here when my ladies come marching off the assembly lines. I’ve put a lot of work into all of this, sneaking back into the city over the years – back into my own chocolate factory. But it’s all been worth it: soon my ladies will all be up and ready to march. They’re beautiful, aren’t they, my ladies? An entirely new order of being. Part human, part toy and part arachnid.’

  ‘Spiders?’ said Eddie, shuddering.

  ‘Wonderful creatures, arachnids,’ said Mr Sredna. ‘They don’t ask any questions. They just do. But what I am saying is, this project is near to conclusion. You, Mr Kelly, have come here at a very bad time. But I couldn’t come to your world, even if I wanted to.’

  ‘Why not?’ Jon asked.

  ‘You know why not. I don’t have the key. You have it though, don’t you?’

  ‘Key?’ said Eddie.

  ‘The Maguffin,’ said Mr Sredna. ‘That all-important something, the all-importantness of which does not become apparent until its moment has come.’

  ‘It’s a key?’ said Eddie. ‘To what?’

  ‘It’s The key,’ said Mr Sredna. ‘For opening the door between this world and the one beyond. There are two such keys, one mine and one belonging to my brother. When I was cast out of this world, I took with me not only the rest of the instructions for building the city, I also took both keys. Well, I didn’t want my brother following me out at any time and interfering with whatever I chose to get up to out there. My brother’s key remains forever on the outside. It was used, without my permission, to let Mr Kelly in here.’

  ‘It was an emergency,’ said Jon Kelly.

  ‘I understand that. My key, however, was stolen from me and it fell into the dextrous hands of Tinto the clockwork barman.’

  ‘I have it here,’ said Jon Kelly. And from his grubby trenchcoat pocket Jon Kelly produced the Maguffin and laid it upon the expansive desk of Mr Sredna. ‘Control is everything. Complete control; the operations out there in the world beyond need your creations to maintain that control. What you do here is of no concern to us. We only care about that.’

  ‘Indeed,’ said Mr Sredna, reaching across the desk and greedily availing himself of the Maguffin.

  ‘Jack,’ said Eddie.

  ‘It’s Jon,’ said Jon.

  ‘Jon,’ said Eddie. ‘You are a thorough-going piece of clockwork cat crap and I hate you.’

  ‘Mr Sredna,’ said Jon Kelly, ‘do you have a hand-gun about your person?’

  ‘I can readily convert,’ said Mr Sredna. ‘You’ve seen the might of my armoured protection system.’

  ‘A hand-gun will be fine.’

  ‘Then I have one here.’ Mr Sredna delved into a desk drawer, drew out a clockwork pistol and tossed it over the expansive desk to Jon Kelly, who caught it.

  ‘Eddie,’ said Jon Kelly, ‘you’ll probably want to close your eyes while I do this.’

  ‘They don’t close,’ said Eddie. ‘You know that, Jack.’

  ‘Jon,’ said Jon Kelly. ‘Turn your face away, then.’

  ‘No,’ said Eddie. ‘I’m going to look you right in the eyes when you do this. I cared about you, Jack, and I thought that you cared about me, but it was all lies, wasn’t it?’

  ‘It’s twist and turns,’ said Jon Kelly. ‘Just like a Bill Winkie thriller. And in a Bill Winkie thriller you never know exactly who’s who until the end. And now you sort of know who’s who, because this is the end.’

  ‘Do it then,’ said Eddie. ‘If you have to do it, do it.’ And a tear rose up in Eddie’s brown button eye. ‘But I really did care.’

  Jon Kelly aimed the hand-gun and Jon Kelly squeezed the trigger.

  ‘Sorry, Eddie,’ he said.

  29

  A single shot rang out.

  A steel bullet, powered by a clockwork action, left the barrel of the gun at approximately nine hundred feet per second, passed through a fabricated forehead and left via the cerebellum, taking a considerable quantity of sawdust with it and spreading this liberally over a wall that lay beyond.

  ‘It is done,’ said Jon Kelly.

  Mr Sredna said nothing. Eddie looked up at the young man who held the clockwork pistol. And the young man looked down at Eddie. ‘What?’ said Jack. ‘Jack,’ Eddie said. ‘You just shot Mr Sredna.’

/>   ‘And why wouldn’t I?’ Jack shrugged. ‘He was the evil twin.’

  ‘Yes, but you just shot him. You. You’re on his side. You were supposed to be shooting me.’

  ‘I lied,’ said Jack. ‘You can forgive me for that, can’t you?’

  ‘Forgive you? I all but pooed myself!’

  ‘I’m sorry, but I had to get a gun from him somehow.’

  ‘Er,’ Eddie smote at his head, ‘I’m really confused. Really, really confused. I really should be able to figure this out.’ Eddie smote at his head a lot more.

  ‘You won’t be able to.’ Jack walked around the expansive desk and stared down at his handiwork. Mr Sredna was slumped back in his chair. There was a big hole in his forehead and a lot of sawdust beyond. ‘I really hated that,’ said Jack.

  ‘You hated it? How do you think I feel? I thought you were going to kill me.’

  ‘I know, and I’m truly sorry, but that’s not what I meant. What I meant was, I really hated all that talking. I told you how much I hated

  it in the Bill Winkie books. How the hero gets disarmed and he has to listen to the villain talking and talking. Mind you, I do see the point now. Everything does have to be explained.’

  ‘Is he dead?’ Eddie asked. ‘I certainly hope so,’ said Jack. ‘But look at that. His head was full of sawdust. He wasn’t even a man at all. He was a toy all along.’

  ‘He was a God, Jack.’

  ‘Well, he’s a dead God now.’ Eddie shook his puzzled head. It was full of sawdust too, but happily, still full. ‘Do you think you might be up to telling me what, in the name of any God you choose to believe in, really is going on?’

  ‘Most of what I said,’ said Jack. ‘All, in fact. Except I’m not Jon Kelly.’

  ‘Brilliant,’ said Eddie. ‘So who is Jon Kelly and how do you know all this stuff and why didn’t you tell me any of it?’

  ‘One piece at a time,’ said Jack, putting his fingers on the neck of the seemingly deceased Mr Sredna and feeling for a pulse. None was evident and so Jack wiped his sawdusty fingers upon Mr Sredna’s jacket, took up the Maguffin from the desk and tucked it back into his trenchcoat pocket. ‘I’m not Jon Kelly,’ Jack said. ‘Jon Kelly came to my town. He wanted directions to the city. He was lost. And he was a real nutter. He had a gun and he didn’t seem too concerned about who he shot with it. He was looking for a Mr Sredna; he came to the factory where I worked. He thought that was the factory run by Sredna, but obviously it wasn’t. He got very angry about that, pointed his gun at me, ordered me to steal one of the clockwork cars and drive him to the city. And he talked and he talked and he talked. He told me everything.’