by Dawn French
Clomp. Clomp.
All heads turned to see the Monster. She wondered if she might have sprouted horns maybe? She felt as though she was looking out of a mask called her face, so she couldn’t be sure how it appeared. She knew her breathing was heavy. Maybe she was actually breathing fire from grotesque flared nostrils after all?
She sat in the dock with a police officer beside her, and her legal team in front. She scoured the surroundings. Hope gasped when she immediately saw that Doris and Glory were there. She’d instructed them to stay away, but of course they’d ignored her. They were clinging to each other, and trying desperately to beam some encouragement at her. Hope hated witnessing their fear.
She mouthed, ‘’S OK. Love you.’
Her mother and sister smiled back, feebly.
There were plenty of strangers there. Press, and nosey parkers. Higher up, there was a row of seats in front of a huge window, so the outlines of the bodies in those seats were in silhouette, but she could tell the row was full. This case had caused a stir, no doubt about that.
Hope’s nervous reconnaissance around the courtroom ended when, after scouring the benches eagle-like for that one person, she saw her.
She saw Anna for the first time.
Sitting one seat away from Julius, with the policewoman in between. Hope couldn’t stop looking at Anna, and Anna was returning the laser gaze. Hope expected to see hatred there, but Anna’s face was full of worry; she even attempted the tiniest smile. Hope felt overcome with gratitude that there was clearly mercy in this woman. That was going to make whatever came next a bit more bearable.
Julius, however, was glowering at her. He looked as though he was bursting to have his say. He looked like an over-filled balloon, shiny, tight and fit to explode.
Hope had never been in a room such as this. She’d never before been the object of so much unwelcome attention, and although she felt humiliated and uncomfortable, she remained calm.
The strange slow motion she experienced jolted into real time the second they all stood up as the judge arrived.
The guilty plea was entered and Hope had to confirm that was what she wanted to do.
The judge then explained that she’d read all of the relevant documents, and that she had to decide if this case was one of child abduction, or the more serious one of kidnapping and false imprisonment.
When the bun fight of defence and prosecution statements was finally over, Hope’s defence pointed out:
She was very young and in a terrible heightened state of shock when it happened
She had no previous convictions
She had fully admitted her crime to ‘Florence’
She had volunteered the truth to the police (albeit eighteen years later)
The prosecution countered with:
‘Florence’ had never consented to being taken
She’d been kept in ignorance all these years
She’d been taken by fraud
The impact on her original parents was considerable
Hope listened in a daze. She sat up sharply when the three ‘Victims’ Personal Statements’ were read out.
Julius’s was full of vitriol and drama. In it, he claimed:
That baby thief not only stole our darling little newborn daughter, she stole our happiness and any chance we had of a contented and robust marriage. She ruined us.
Anna’s contained:
Although I have spent the last eighteen years looking for my daughter and it has been very difficult to live through this, I find comfort in the fact that I now know she has always been lovingly cared for.
‘Florence’s’ was full of:
I need to state that my mother, Hope, is the kindest, most nurturing person I know. There isn’t a better human in the world. I was shocked when I first found out about Anna and Julius, of course, and I didn’t want to believe it of her, but there is no doubt whatsoever that my heart is my mother’s. I have no intention of being Florence. I am now, and always will be, Minnie.
Anna was weeping and Julius was apoplectic with rage. He hated that he had to remain silent. And listen to all this inconvenient truth. She’d stolen their baby, for God’s sake!
Eventually the judge turned to address Hope.
‘Ms Parker,’ she started, ‘in the absence of any real mitigation for the terrible thing you did all those years ago, a young woman’s lifetime ago, and in light of the fact that no trace can be found of your partner in this crime – who I am led to believe disappeared back home to Africa and hasn’t been heard of since – I am compelled to classify yours as a “grave crime”, that of kidnapping and false imprisonment. The maximum sentence for this is life …’
The courtroom gasped. Doris let out a woeful moan. Julius clenched his fists.
‘However, having considered your defence and heard the statements, and with a partial credit for your guilty plea, I am reducing that to eighteen years. One for each of the child’s life. This very sorry case is dismissed.’
BOOM.
Hope always knew she would do time in prison. She hadn’t thought that it would be that much.
The whole courtroom stood up as the judge and other officials filed out. Hope looked up at the very ornate ceiling as if she might find some support there for her breaking heart. The police officer tapped her on the shoulder to lead her away, and as she turned her head, her eye caught sight of a figure silhouetted against the big window. He was standing still whilst all around were moving past him to leave. She blinked against the light.
Who was that familiar man?
Then she knew.
Older. Wider.
It was Isaac.
Anna and Hope: April
Anna sat at the table, waiting. She was extremely shaken. She’d never been in a place like this before, and she’d not ever imagined she would experience the strangeness of the last thirty minutes, where she’d been detained in the prison’s visitor centre while they double-checked the validity of her Visiting Order, requested that she put all personal belongings in a locker, checked her passport for ID and took her photo and fingerprints. She was then patted down back and front and left feeling as if she were herself a convict, and somehow humiliated.
The visitors’ room was large and grim with neon lights, plastic tables and chairs, and a joyless tea bar at one end. Anna had been warned to use the toilet in the visitors’ centre, which she had, but she was now acutely aware of needing it again. It was only nerves. She could cope.
She looked around. There were visitors waiting at only three other tables. That struck Anna as possibly the saddest sight she’d seen for years. This prison held over a thousand female inmates. Only four of them would have a visit today.
At least she knew Hope was willing to see her, because it was Hope who initially had to fill in the Visiting Order. She could’ve blankly refused, but she didn’t. So, here Anna was, waiting for her to come through the door.
Eventually, when she did, it wasn’t the momentous occasion Anna anticipated. Something about the surroundings dulled everything.
A woman came through the door.
The woman was Hope. That’s all.
She came over to Anna’s table. Anna stood up.
‘Hello,’ said Hope, nervously.
‘Hello,’ said Anna, nervously.
They sat down on opposite sides of the table. Two prison officers watched them and everyone else, from a distance.
‘Thank you for letting me come,’ Anna said quickly. ‘I wasn’t certain you would.’
‘Oh. YES. I definitely wanted this … moment,’ Hope replied, rather surprised. She felt she ought to be the one thanking Anna.
‘I suddenly don’t know what to say. I had a million questions. I don’t know what any of them are now. It sort of … doesn’t matter.’
‘It does matter, Anna. I took your baby. I should answer anything you want to know.’
‘I want to know … not why … I think I know that … but why you didn’t give her back?’<
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‘I couldn’t give her back. She was entirely mine in minutes. I loved her. I love her so completely, it would’ve been as unthinkable as stealing a baby. So I didn’t think about it. I let it all be normal. It was normal. She grew up in my family, they are her family, they love her and she loves them.’
‘But I loved her, Hope.’
‘Yes. I know. I had to forget that. I had to decide that my love was better than yours. That my home was better than yours. Trumped it.’
Anna was dumbfounded; all she could do was stare at Hope. Looking right into her.
Hope’s eyes brimmed with tears. ‘I’m sorry.’
Anna knew that Hope meant it, that this was the most real apology Hope would ever make and that, should she accept it, it would be the most important allowance both she and Hope would ever know in their respective lifetimes.
The two women were utterly conjoined in this key decision. It was a testing moment of supreme forgiveness that could open a future up for both of them.
Anna’s hurt was ancient, familiar, righteous and hard to let go of. How ironic that her emotional skeleton was made of pain, the very stuff that would not support her – it couldn’t. Pain is not galvanizing, it’s corrosive, so she would eventually rust. It was already happening and she knew it. All the parts of her held together by pain were deteriorating. She needed new reinforcement if she was going to claim her future without alcohol or sleeping pills or fear or endless crying.
Anna needed to bestow this forgiveness.
And mean it.
‘The sad truth is that it’s probably true. Your home may well have been better than mine,’ she said, ‘but that didn’t give you the right to steal my happiness. She was my way out. Without her I was lost again. Just like before her. I got stuck eighteen years ago when you took her … but I’m not stuck any more, Hope. I’m here, in front of you. And, thank you, God or whoever makes love happen, I don’t hate you. Not at all. I’m grateful to you. Not for taking her. Not that. But for raising her in love. So, here’s the thing, I can forgive you, Hope, but you have to help me.’
‘Help you?’ Hope was confused.
‘Help me to know her. She’s related to me, but she has a relationship with you. Of course. May I have your permission to build a relationship with her, if she wants it?’
Hope knew, in that moment, that Anna was remarkable. A rightful mother. She reached out over the table and touched Anna’s hand. The guard shook her finger. Hope retracted her hand.
She said, ‘She definitely wants it, Anna. She really liked you when you met. Julius worried her – I’m not going to lie …’
‘I know, but she can take or leave as much of him as she likes. He’s not a bad man, he’s just fantastically self-centred. Harmless really, so long as you keep a distance … He’s like a budgie: loads of talk, until it sees a mirror.’
Hope burst out laughing at that. So did Anna, who said, ‘Can I buy you a coffee?’
‘Yes, please,’ said Hope, ‘and a biscuit, please.’
‘Just one?’
‘Yep. I had an snackident this morning.’
‘What?’
‘Y’know, when you inadvertently scoff a whole packet of custard creams when you only intended to have the one? That was my week’s allowance …’
Anna smiled broadly. She liked Hope. How did this happen? She actually LIKED her.
When Anna returned to the table with the coffees and many biscuits, Hope had some things to say.
‘Look, Anna, you say you need my help. Well, I will do everything I can for you, truly, but I need your help too.’
‘Anything,’ Anna offered. And meant it.
‘I don’t want Min to visit me. She’s not so well at the moment. She’s got this weird thing called coarctation of the aorta. It means—’
‘I know what it means. Julius had it as a kid. It was corrected. Shit, poor Minnie.’
‘Right, yes, that explains a lot. You know she’s having a baby?’
‘Yes.’
‘So she needs to stop stressing herself out thinking about coming here; she needs to stay at home with Lee and rest. She could get into serious trouble with it as the pregnancy goes on. My mum’s there, and her auntie, but … she could do with a mum? Can you keep an eye out? And maybe be there when Bean is born?’
‘Bean?’
‘Yeah, I know.’ Hope chuckled.
‘’S cute.’
‘Yeah. I’m thinking that I never want Bean to come here. See me like this. But anyway, listen, can you? Be there? And let me know how she really is? Everyone’s fudging it at the moment, protecting me. I don’t need that.’
‘You want me to be her mum for you?’
‘Yes.’
‘There is literally nothing I want more,’ Anna replied quietly. ‘You can rely on me, Hope. I will take the best care of her I can. I’m not experienced like you, but I will do my very best – know that.’
‘I know already. Thank you. I can do this because of you.’
It was a truth, an endless sureness.
A perfect forgiveness.
Mother to mother.
‘You will never regret it,’ said Hope. ‘You made an extraordinary ray. There’s no one like her.’
To leave Hope there was a dreadful wrench.
Hope was strong. Hope was courageous.
But how does anyone deal with what she was going to face now for so long? It wasn’t so much the incarceration, it was the primal tear away from Minnie that would be so crushing.
Her words rang in Anna’s ears as she left: ‘I can do this because of you …’
As Anna left the prison, she felt elated and perturbed. For the first time in eighteen years, she knew her purpose and was determined to fulfil it. For Minnie, for Hope, for Bean and for herself.
Minnie in Hospital
As per Hope’s request, Anna immediately contacted Minnie after her visit to the prison, and she was so glad she did, because Minnie was in trouble. Minnie had been admitted to hospital at twenty-eight weeks pregnant. She’d collapsed at home the night before Hope’s trial, but hadn’t wanted to tell her. She’d given Hope a version of the truth on the phone, but omitted to tell her the whole truth. Not the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, as Hope would’ve sworn in court. Instead, a bit of the truth. Enough for Hope to be informed but not to further burden her, because, after all, what could she do?
Anna went to see Minnie in the hospital. After fairly awkward, tearful hugs with Doris and Glory and Lee, they were left alone together in the small room where Minnie was being closely monitored by Dr Chandra and his team.
Anna said, ‘I’m sorry it was so awful when we last met, so sorry; we could have handled it all so much better.’
‘It’s OK,’ Minnie replied, ‘it wasn’t you, it was …’
‘Dickhead Dad,’ Anna finished her sentence, and Minnie laughed, although it sort of hurt to do so. Minnie was hooked up to various machines monitoring her heart and checking every aspect of her health.
‘How are you, Minnie?’
‘Yeah, OK, bit scared. Wish it wasn’t like this, not really sure how it’s going to go. My heart is only just coping. I don’t want Bean to have any distress. I don’t want Mum to have any more distress … Oh, sorry … I mean …’
‘No, that’s right, Minnie. She is your mum. I know that. Call me Anna, that’s just fine.’
‘Oh, OK, thanks. Easier. Yeah.’
‘Of course. Look at you trying to look after everyone, Minnie. Well, I’m here to tell you, direct from your mum’s mouth and your mum’s heart, that you have to stop that, and ONLY think about you and that little Bean. The rest of us will cope. Your mum has asked me to be here for you, if you want me to?’
‘Yes, yes, I want you to. I really do, please.’
‘I don’t want to be anywhere else, Minnie. I’ve got your mum in my pocket; we’re both here for you. But there is a condition …’
‘What? What d’you mean?’
‘She wants to know everything, Minnie. Being kept from the truth, the reality of it all, is what’s wrecking her. She’s a big girl, seriously, she can cope with anything true; she can’t manage lies any more. She’s had a lifetime, your lifetime, of that. She’s exhausted from it. Do her a favour and let me include her on EVERYTHING, yes? Not filtered, not edited. She needs to be part of it for real.’
Minnie’s beautiful face started to crumple. Lee, who had been standing sentry outside, saw Minnie’s concern, and rushed in, demanding, ‘Hey, hey, what’s going on? You can’t come in here,’ he said pointedly to Anna, ‘and be upsetting her, for God’s sake!’
‘No, hon’ – Minnie took his hand – ‘no, you’ve got it wrong. Mum’s asked her. It’s OK. It’s OK.’
Lee looked between the two of them and trusted that all was in fact well.
‘Yep, you really are the marvellous chap Hope told me you were, Lee. She’s pretty much right about everything, isn’t she?’
‘Umm … yeah!’ Minnie chimed in. ‘Except she did steal a baby. She ain’t no angel. None of us are.’
‘None of us. True,’ Anna easily agreed, ‘but I’m going to be the human bridge between you and her, so that you can get on with bringing this baby here safely, and not worrying about anybody or anything else. Want that, Minnie?’
‘Yep. I want that, Anna. Yes. Thanks.’
‘I’m here now. For anything you want. It’s my privilege. Now, what’s first up? What d’you need?’
‘Umm …’ Minnie thought a moment. ‘Oreo cookies?’
‘You are your mother’s daughter, darling, you really are.’
