Because of You

by Dawn French

  Anna stayed at a little boutique hotel in Bristol and was with Minnie whenever she wanted over the next week, filling in the gaps where Doris and Glory couldn’t be there, or when Lee had to be at work. She watched everything very closely, and noted down all the medical details of every step the team took, every decision, every bit of advice, and she relayed it all to Hope in phone calls whenever she could. Hope didn’t miss out on a single detail, and she sent messages to be relayed back to Minnie. Sometimes, they were wawa messages. Anna retold them exactly as directed and never once questioned it. She knew it was their exclusive club, their secret code, and she didn’t presume to interfere.

  Anna’s most prized moments in amongst the chaos and tension of the hospital procedure carrying on all around were when Minnie would nod off, which she often did. Hosting her racing heart was exhausting. It was in these sleepy moments that Anna nabbed her moments of joy. Watching her sleep, stroking her hair, holding her hand. All the little things she’d ached for with her stolen daughter, over the long and painful years. Little things that meant everything.

  One time, Anna herself fell asleep holding Minnie’s hand. She only woke when she felt Minnie move. Minnie was awake seconds before Anna and saw what was happening. She smiled at Anna. It was OK. It was comforting. Baby steps.

  Anna was about to leave the hospital late one night when, as she passed the nurses’ station, she heard a man asking for directions to Minnie’s room.

  ‘I’m here to see Minnie Parker, please,’ the man said, very formally.

  He had an accent which caught Anna’s ear.

  African, undoubtedly.

  Anna hung back.

  The nurse pointed towards Minnie’s room. As he passed Anna, the tall handsome man with the high forehead and polished ebony skin exchanged a cursory glance with her. Anna saw the flash of green lightning in his right eye. Sudden green in the dark dark brown. He walked past her, towards Minnie’s room.

  Anna decided to double back. She needed to know if this stranger was friend or foe.

  He approached the door to Minnie’s room, and hesitated. He was looking through the glass at her. Then he knocked lightly and went in.

  Anna approached the door and saw Minnie look up at him.

  ‘Dad,’ she said, ‘you’ve come!’

  ‘I’m here,’ said Quiet Isaac, ‘I’m here.’

  Anna backed away slowly to let them be together.

  So, this was the Absent African.

  Returned.

  Anna’s heart plummeted. Was she about to lose her daughter again?

  The Birth

  As Minnie drifted in and out of sleep and worry, she wondered if she would always remember the safety she felt when she saw Lee’s lovely face as she woke up.

  ‘Hello, Curls? Still in bed bein’ a lazy mare?’

  A few days later, everything changed for Minnie. As Bean grew inside her, even though Minnie was resting, the strain on her heart became impossible for her to withstand.

  Minnie was desperate to walk around, but she became frighteningly breathless and it was obvious some action had to be taken. It was suddenly urgent.

  Dr Chandra asked for the whole family to gather in Minnie’s room, with the machines beeping around them. Glory, Doris, Lee and Anna were there, and just as the doctor was about to speak, the door opened and Quiet Isaac stepped in. Minnie smiled and said, ‘This is my dad, everyone.’

  ‘Ah,’ said Dr Chandra, ‘so you are the chap who had the coarctation corrected as a kid?’

  ‘Umm. No,’ replied Isaac calmly.

  ‘No,’ Minnie butted in, ‘that’s the other one, the biological, what’you call it, genetic one. This is my real dad.’

  Isaac beamed.

  ‘OK, got it,’ said Dr Chandra, and he went on to explain that this situation with Minnie’s heart could not continue, for her sake or for Bean’s safety, so they wanted to take her down to theatre for a caesarean section right now. He would be there, watching how Minnie’s heart responded. Lee would be allowed in, and obviously the obstetric team would be there to deliver the baby. All others would have to wait up here on the ward, and would be informed of everything.

  Dr Chandra looked Minnie directly in the eye and said, ‘We’re going to get this baby born, Minnie. You need to trust us: it might be a bumpy ride, your poor tired heart is working too hard for both of you, and we have to help it now.’

  ‘I know. And I trust you. Thank you,’ Minnie replied, obviously terrified.

  ‘Right, let’s get going,’ Dr Chandra said purposefully as he left the room.

  ‘Oh shit,’ said Minnie, the second he was out of the door, ‘this is it, this is full-on wawa.’

  There was a clucking flurry of ‘You’ll be fine’ and ‘See you when Bean’s here’ and eventually Anna and Isaac were the last two to leave; they both hovered near her, reluctant to go.

  ‘Thanks, Dad. Thanks … Anna,’ said Minnie.

  ‘I love you,’ said Anna.

  ‘And I love you,’ said Isaac.

  ‘Me too. Tell Mum what’s happening, yeah?’ Minnie said breathily. It was getting more difficult for her to breathe by the minute.

  ‘Absolutely,’ confirmed Anna as she and Isaac left the room whilst the team buzzed around Minnie, getting her ready for surgery.

  Lee’s mouth was dry with fear as the nurses gowned him up for the most astonishing moment of his young life. He had no jokes in his stockpile to suit this serious situation. ‘Um, yeah. Put this on. Yeah. It’s time. Yeah. Put arms in. Tie it up. Yeah,’ was all he could manage in his terror.

  The next couple of hours were extremely tense. Upstairs on the ward in the dayroom, the family sat in huddles trying to comfort each other and stay calm. It was an unfortunate but welcome opportunity for Doris and Glory to talk to Isaac and know him. Anna did all the coffee runs and fussed around them all, until eventually she had the chance to sit quietly with Isaac.

  ‘I owe you an apology so big it’s impossible to make,’ Isaac said.

  ‘Hope has told me all about you and what you did, Isaac. I understand it. I can’t say I approve, but I do understand … and … Look, we’re here now. It doesn’t matter any more. This does.’

  ‘I have struggled to make it right with myself and my God for many long years, Anna. It means everything for you to say that. Everything.’

  ‘We need to just be the best parents we can be for now,’ said Anna.

  Isaac nodded, and whispered, ‘Being here, waiting for a baby. It feels familiar. I can’t say I’m not unafraid. It didn’t go so well once upon a time …’ Isaac was wringing his hands.

  ‘Oh Isaac. Of course, yes, Minnie. The first Minnie.’

  ‘Yes. I will never forget how … small … and … still she was. Our little daughter. Sleeping. She didn’t ever know us, know how much we loved her, not like this Minnie. She knew. She knows.’

  ‘Yes, she surely does,’ Anna said. ‘Maybe you can think of that time back then as a sort of scar. It’s still there, evidence of something tragic that happened, so that you won’t forget it, or forget her. But you are allowed to heal, Isaac.’

  ‘Yes. Yes,’ he said, fighting back tears.

  ‘And you are here for this Minnie. Your … daughter. I saw her face when she saw you: she lit up. You’ve shown her devotion and courage in coming. And listen, she will be OK … and so will Bean. I’m her mother too, and I say so, so IT WILL BE SO. Get it?’ Anna said in her bossiest voice, so wanting to believe it.

  Isaac chuckled.

  Anna’s optimism was infectious.

  All of them spent every minute looking up at each doctor that walked by, just in case there was any news.

  Sixteen repulsive hospital coffees later, Dr Chandra finally came in and shut the door.

  Ominously.

  ‘OK, folks. It was tough. The baby is here. It’s a girl, she’s just under five pounds, but she’s fine. Lee is with her. Minnie’s heart is trashed, but it’s limping along, with help from what we ca
ll a mechanical heart, a kind of pump. She’s OK, but this is a critical time now, and I’ve bumped her up to the top of the waiting list for a donor heart, so she’s now officially what we call “bridge to transplant”. The next forty-eight hours are crucial. She’s in the ITU and is not conscious, so to be honest it’s best if you guys leave the team to get on with looking after her. Someone will come and fetch you to see the baby …’

  ‘Bean,’ said Glory.

  ‘Bean. Yes, someone will bring you down to Lee shortly. I must go. Hopes and prayers, guys, she’s a strong one. I have faith. So must you …’ With that, he left.

  ‘Lawd a mercy,’ said Doris quietly, and she sat with her head in her hands.

  Anna slipped away; she knew she had to put in the call to Hope, but she really didn’t want to.

  Meanwhile, in a small hot room next to the ITU, Lee held his new daughter in his arms and his soft tears dripped on to Bean’s little brown fingers. He’d never been so grateful or so scared. ‘Don’t die, Min. Please. You mustn’t die.’

  Hope

  Aunty Betty heard Hope’s profuse gratitude as she stood next to her by the phones in C Block. Aunty Betty was leaning her considerable frame against the cold wall to relieve the arthritis in her knees.

  ‘Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Anna. I hope you know how much I appreciate … yes … thank you.’

  Hope replaced the phone. Her allotted time was up.

  ‘C’mere. It’s not easy,’ Aunty Betty said as she gathered Hope into a hug, during which she furtively smuggled the contraband Hope had bought from her with her commissary money across from under her prison-issue blue tracksuit top to under Hope’s. All the while, Aunty Betty kept her eye on the CCTV camera at the end of the corridor.

  Aunty Betty was the biggest-hearted ‘bossiest bitch’ on her wing. She and Hope had become firm chums in the time Hope had been inside. She was the only woman Hope confided in.

  To all others, Hope was a mother figure.

  To Aunty Betty, she was a sister.

  It was only Aunty Betty who knew Hope’s deep deep fear of not coping for so long a stretch. Hope told her that she couldn’t imagine making it to the end, couldn’t picture ever walking out, couldn’t see it.

  ‘Thanks, Aunty. So. Ten past eight. On the dot. OK?’

  ‘All right, m’duck, will do,’ Aunty Betty replied. ‘Love you.’

  Hope squeezed Betty’s hand and, keeping her secret purchase carefully hidden, made her way back to her cell. Once in, she sat down with her notepad and pen quietly, to write to Minnie. This letter would be very important. It was going to be mother to daughter to daughter.

  Heart to heart to heart.

  When she finished it, she put it in the envelope. She kissed it and licked it closed … She wrote another note and left it open. She watched her small clock. At 8 p.m., she retrieved the smuggled lighting flex from under her mattress. She climbed up on the stool and attached it to the window fastener. She prayed it was sturdy. She tied the flex around it, and around her neck. She thanked the air for all the good things in her life, and she kicked away the stool.

  In her cell, Aunty Betty was watching her own clock through a mist of tears.

  At ten past eight, she shouted out to alert the guards to an emergency.

  All hell broke loose as they rushed to Hope’s cell, where they found Hope, only just dead, with a sealed letter and an open note on her bed.

  The note read:

  I am Hope Parker. My daughter is Minnie Parker. She is in hospital in Bristol. She needs a new heart. I want her to have mine. Please, please do this AS SOON AS YOU FIND ME.

  Beneath this, Hope wrote the details of:

  The hospital where Minnie was

  The address of the clinic where she’d had all her tests: blood group, tissue-type, etc., to be sure she could be a suitable match

  The details of all that testing

  The sealed letter had ‘For our daughter Minnie’ written on the envelope.

  Minnie’s Heart: A Week Later

  Lee was doing all he could to physically hold on to Minnie while she shrieked, and beat the ITU bed with her clenched fists. It had only been a week since her operation, and she was still so fragile.

  ‘You selfish bitch! How could you?

  ‘I hate you! You left me – you promised you never would! I need you!

  ‘I. Hate. You!’

  It hurt so much when she cried, but she had to, she had to. She couldn’t believe the awful news Nanna Doris had told her. Lee placed Bean on her, and, because she didn’t want to upset her daughter, Minnie gradually calmed down.

  Anna, Isaac, Doris and Glory were all there when Anna handed her the letter.

  ‘Do you want us to leave you alone?’ Anna was trying to be sensitive.

  ‘No. Never.’ Minnie was still whimpering; she hurt so much, so much. ‘Please, Anna, can you read it out?’

  ‘Oh God, Minnie, are you sure?’

  ‘Yes. Please.’

  So she did:

  ‘My darlin’ daughter, Minnie, the extraordinary ray, the everything that mattered in my blessed life, when you read this, I will be gone, and if they all do what I ask, my heart will be ticking away inside you. I so hope this is what has happened, and that your body has accepted part of mine.

  I know things will seem very dark right now, but believe me, the sun will come out soon and it will all change and brighten up, and little Bean will be a huge spark in the darkness to light your way.’

  Minnie held Bean tight and looked up at Lee for reassurance.

  ‘My biggest regret, my only regret, is that I won’t know her, but I’ve accepted that. I didn’t want her to visit me here so … it’s OK.

  Here’s the thing, Min. I took you. I shouldn’t have, I know, but you brought a love into my life like I’ve never known. You are made of goodness and beauty, and the world is lucky to have you, and I have been the luckiest mum of all. Anyone who meets you automatically becomes a better person. I did. Thank you for that.

  So, my lovely daughter, as you enter your next chapter, there are some things to say:

  Know that your father Isaac is the very best of men. Go to Africa to visit him and know his family, and his ancestry, your ancestry

  Keep a watchful eye on Nanna Doris and Glory. They are your family, your tribe and they love you

  Be curious and live adventurously, never hide your beautiful unique light, show up in the world in your own Minnie-ish way, unapologetic

  Love Lee and love Bean. Make more babies from your love and all be kind to each other

  Go back to school and go on to uni if you want to. Anna and Nanna Doris will help with Bean. Promise me this

  Don’t fight all your difficult emotions, including those you’re having right now; all your feelings are valid. Feelings are how we know we’re alive

  NEVER EVER forget the WAWA!

  So, please carry my words and know that I will always be with you. I will be a gentle movement within you, every other heartbeat, every other breath.

  Everything that’s happened has proven that it doesn’t matter WHO you are from, Minnie, but WHAT … and you are from love, my sweet child.

  There was another Minnie before you. For her, for me and, most of all, for you, please have a good, honest, optimistic life, and laugh a lot.

  Remember this also, Min: I can go because you have Anna. She is your home whenever you need her. She is a fantastic person. She is your mother too. Please call her mum if you want to, pronounce her name loud and strong, “Mum”, and I’ll be there too, when you do.

  Believe me when I tell you that I rest in soft peace. I’ve done my job the best I can. I live on in you. So, I can go home now.

  I love you so very much,

  Your mum

  Hope (Chairperson of the Wawa Club)

  XX’

  Anna looked up.

  The room was silent.

  Hope’s words to her were ringing in Anna’s head: ‘I can do this be
cause of you …’

  Minnie rang the buzzer on the side of her bed, and it was Dr Chandra himself who rushed in. Minnie asked him to come close. He leant in; she kissed his cheek and whispered, ‘That’s from my mum,’ and she took the stethoscope from around his neck. She put the ear tips in her ears, she gave Bean to Lee, and she placed the flat diaphragm on her chest. She listened. There, loud and clear, was

  Hope.

  Acknowledgements

  THANK YOU SO MUCH

  Malcolm Dalrymple-Hay – heart stuff

  Veronica Eagles – registrar stuff

  Judge Angela Du Sautoy – legal stuff

  Claire Hamilton-Russell – divorce stuff

  Amy Dunstan – midwife stuff

  Emma Kilcoyne, Carol Noble, Jon Fink – friend/writer encouragement stuff

  Louise Moore – editor stuff

  Jill Taylor – more editor stuff

  Liz Smith & all who look out for me at Penguin stuff

  Maureen Vincent – agent stuff (& so much more)

  Robert Kirby – literary agent stuff

  Neil Reading – PR stuff

  Sammy, Dave, Mike & Karen – home-front stuff

  Biggs – for claiming it’s his book stuff

  The Mighty B.F. – sanity stuff

  LAST & BEST: Sue – for other-half-of-me stuff and all the bleddy endless typing!

  AN EXTRACT FROM

  Landed

  As if tightly choreographed by Pina Bausch, every puffy face in every serried row on the British Airways 747 is obediently upturned, staring at the seatbelt sign overhead. An elastic moment where a random group of strangers are united, some don’t even breathe so suspended are they. Bing bong. The familiar cue releases them from their airline aspic, and all at once the plane bursts into a chaotic scuffle of bodies racing to grab their belongings, rushing to be first to stand still in a queue to get off. Everyone is frazzled, perhaps it’s the lack of fresh air that makes people so grumpy. They all seem to have somewhere very very important to be. Somewhere that just can’t wait. So, come on, hurry up. Me first. Shuffle. Push. Jostle.