There was no point in arguing with her. They had already won. I opened myself up to Tucker and in doing so gave my parents ammunition against me. Leverage to keep me exactly where they wanted me. And him. Just as I had always feared would happen. When I didn’t respond she left the dorm, slamming the front door closed behind her. Seconds after I heard the door shut I screamed as loudly as my lungs would allow and threw my fists into the mirror, shattering it to pieces and into my hands and all around me.
I could run! I could just run away to Seattle with Tucker and never look back. When I finally managed to stop my tears I started racking my brain for a solution, but the more ideas that popped into my head, the more I began to realize that they weren’t solutions at all. They were dreams. Fantasies. Fiction novels that I could escape in for a short time, but only in my mind and never for forever.
The only option I had was to give up Tucker. Sure I could try to tell him. Hell, I should tell him. I should trust that we could work this out together. But he doesn’t deserve it. It was not his fight and he didn’t deserve to be trapped like I was. I had to let him go.
Ten
Tucker
My eyes scanned the student section yet again as I made my way to my position at third base, but I still didn’t see her. It was already the top of the third inning and I was beginning to feel worried. What if something happened to her? What if something’s wrong with the baby? What if she’s having second thoughts? Changed her mind?
Thoughts raced through my head pulling my focus from the ball game. Raegan was here and so was Chastity which means Quinn was alone. I texted Raegan before the start of the inning when I saw her arrive without Quinn, but all she told me was that Quinn said she would drive herself.
Each new pitch I would return my attention to the batter and the play, but after the play ended I was searching the stands again. I could feel my heart hammering in my chest. Something was wrong. I could feel it. Quinn hasn’t missed a home game since we’ve been together. This just wasn’t like her. Then suddenly a line drive was hit right at me. It ricocheted off the tip of my glove and into left field. Fuck! Any other day I never would have missed that.
“What are you doing, Tucker? Get your damn head in the game!” I heard Coach Anderson holler in frustration from the dugout. When the play ended I tried to refocus on the game. If for no other reason, it helped to take my mind off the anxiety I was feeling about Quinn. I smoothed the dirt around under my feet before stepping back into my defensive position, waiting for the next pitch to be thrown. Once we made the final out, I quickly checked the stands again before returning to the dugout. Nothing but an empty seat between Raegan and my dad.
I snuck a peek at my phone before finding a seat on the bench.
“Bro! What’s gotten into you tonight?” Glen questioned, tossing his glove and taking a seat next to me. “It’s like your head’s not even in it.”
I took off my hat and ran a hand roughly through my hair then down my face, trying to gain some composure.
“I don’t know, man.”
“Well figure it the fuck out. You let a run score on that error.”
“I know!” I growled back at him and stormed over to the bats. I slipped on my helmet, picked up my bat and stepped out into the on deck circle. I twisted my body around, stretching it out a bit and rolled my shoulders in backward circles as I prepared for my at bat. I nonchalantly glanced over my shoulder into the student section and I finally spotted her. She made it! I let out a deep sigh of relief that she was finally here and seemed to be alright.
She was holding onto a sign and I squinted my eyes to try to read what it said. #18 knows how to swing his bat! I chuckled to myself then smiled brightly at her before pointing two fingers at my eyes then back at her. You know it, baby. Now, eyes on me. She smiled gently, but not much else, but I decided not to read too much into it. She was here and safe. That’s all that mattered.
The sixth inning ended and the families of all the seniors were called down to the field. Since it was our last home game of the season it was deemed Senior Night. During the seventh inning stretch each of the seniors were called onto the field and met by their families as their names, majors, and future plans were announced over the loudspeaker.
Warmth spread throughout my body as I approached Quinn standing next to my dad and presented her with flowers and a kiss. She smiled lightly at me as her cheeks got rosey with embarrassment. I knew she’d be uncomfortable having to stand in front of a stadium full of people. The sight made me smile.
“I’m so proud of you, Tuck.” My dad said as he wrapped me in a hug and slapped a hand hard against my back.
“Thanks, Dad,” I murmured back and waited for them to finish announcing the other seniors. I glanced over at Quinn again and this time noticed the tears pooling in her big blue eyes. The feeling that something was wrong suddenly returned again and settled into the pit of my stomach making me feel sick. I squeezed her hand to get her to look at me and once she did I asked the obvious, “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing…”
The families were excused back to their seats, but when she tried to pull away I held onto her hand, crinkling my brows at her.
She offered a small reassuring smile then said, “We’ll talk after, okay?”
The families returned to their seats and the players to the dugout. Her offer to talk after made me feel a little uneasy, but ultimately I let it go. No point in dwelling on it. It’s not like we can talk now anyway and she seems to be okay.
The last two innings I gave it my all.
Left it all out on the field.
It was a bittersweet feeling knowing that I would never play here again and my next home game would be at the Rainers Stadium in Seattle. The thought made me smile. When the game finally ended and we finished our team conference, I threw all my gear into my bat bag and rushed out of the locker room toward the parking lot. I was surprised to find Quinn already standing by her car fiddling with her fingers. When I was finally close enough to reach her I tilted her chin up to face me and kissed her hard almost knocking us both into her car.
She twisted her fingers in my hair and pulled me in, deepening the kiss.
“How are my babies feeling?” I asked playfully, resting my hand on her belly.
Quinn blew out a breath then admitted, “A little better.”
“Are you hungry? You wanna go get something to eat? I read that you're gonna have a big appetite so if you’re hungry I can go get you some food.”
She giggled, but shook her head no. “Can we just go back to your place for a bit?”
“Yeah, of course. You want me to drive?”
“Uh, yeah, that’d be great. I’ll come get my car later.”
* * *
Quinn
My heart was practically vibrating in my chest, it was pounding so hard. I racked my brain for what to say and how to say it, but no amount of I’m so sorrys or I love yous seemed like enough. He deserved so much more than that. I rested my head back against the seat as I watched Tucker drive us back to his apartment. The entire way there he talked about our future together.
It felt unfair to let him continue knowing what had to be done tonight, but I couldn’t bring myself to stop him. I knew as soon as I did this dream world that I’d been living in with him would vanish right in front of my eyes and I’d be cast back into the nightmare I’d been living in my whole life. So instead I decided to live in it a little longer and let him continue describing our future the way he saw it.
“Ohh! And you never responded to my text. What did you think about that apartment with the two bedrooms and balcony access? I really liked that one, but the newly remodeled townhomes seemed like they offered more. I mean they were a gated community so it’ll be safe for you and the baby while I’m gone for away games. It also had a community park and pool. It was a little more expensive and the minors really don’t pay that much, but don’t worry. I could get a part time job somewhere too. I will take ca
re of you guys.”
He reached across the car and took me by the hand, smiling. He raised it to his soft lips and kissed my knuckles as he continued asking questions and not waiting for me to answer them.
“And what are your thoughts on pets? I mean I feel like I would want our baby to grow up with a pet of some kind. I’m more of a dog person myself, but I’m open to cats if you like cats.”
He rambled on the entire way home and while I never wanted to leave this dream with him, allowing him to continue, made what I now had to do that much harder. He was still talking and brainstorming when we got into his apartment.
“...and we will need to get a crib and bottles and-”
“Tucker.” I called from the couch interrupting him. “Can you please come sit with me? I think we need to talk.”
I watched his excited expression drop suddenly as he cautiously made his way beside me on the couch.
“What’s wrong? Are you not feeling well again?”
“No, it’s… it’s not that. I feel fine.” I sniffled, struggling to hold back my tears.
“Then what's wrong?” he asked, scootching closer to me on the couch.
I pulled in a shaky breath.
“Tucker…” I started, my voice trembling and almost inaudible. “I-I don’t want to keep the baby. I have an appointment scheduled for next week to terminate the pregnancy.” A stabbing pain pierced my chest as the words poured out, but nothing compared to the hurt I saw on Tucker’s face with my confession.
“I-I’m sorry, Tucker, but I’m just not ready. I’m nineteen years old. I have no business having a baby right now. And you…” I drew in another shaky breath and squeezed my eyes closed. “You have so much going for you. So much to look forward to. Your dreams are all coming true. Unfolding right in front of your eyes. I don’t want you to have to sacrifice your dreams in order to be a good dad.”
“I don’t care about baseball, Quinn!” he finally snapped, squeezing tightly to me. “Do you hear me? I would give it all up for you. For our baby. Our family.”
“I know you would… And I just can’t let you. Not when I know I’m not ready for this.”
“So that’s it? You’re going to abort our baby?” he bit out, fury lacing his words. I winced at his question and my gentle tears turned into small sobs.
“And what about us?”
I peeked up at him through long, wet lashes. “There is no more us, Tucker. You’re leaving for Seattle. And I’m staying here to finish school. This is it,” I shrugged. “This is goodbye.”
He suddenly took me by both hands and dropped to his knee, resting his head against my abdomen where our baby was still alive and growing inside of me. The tears began streaming down his face.
“Please, Quinn. Please don’t. Don’t do this. I love you. Please, baby, don’t fucking do this,” he begged quietly.
I weaved my fingers in his hair on the back of his head and whispered, “I’m so sorry, Tucker.”
Eleven
Tucker
Tuesday
One week later…
I did one more walk through of my apartment to make sure I wasn’t forgetting anything. It felt so strange to see it empty like this since I’ve called this place home for the last three years. After graduation, I had decided there was no reason to stick around any longer. I tried to convince Quinn to at least let me go with her to the appointment. I certainly didn’t want her going through it alone, but she refused. She wouldn’t even tell me when or where the appointment was. She probably anticipated that I would show up anyway. And she was right. I would’ve. I left my keys on the countertop and lifted my duffle bag onto my shoulder before heading out the door, locking it behind me.
As I made my way to meet my dad at his house, I drove past Quinn’s street. I thought carefully about stopping in to see her before I left, but I had decided to honor her wishes instead. She said it would be too hard for her to have to say goodbye again. For me, it was almost too hard to leave without saying goodbye again. I felt my chest begin to constrict at the thought of losing her and I sucked in a deep breath as I choked back tears, swiping them away before they could fall.
I finally pulled into my dad’s driveway and was surprised to see Nate and Raegan standing with him outside of the small ranch home.
“What the hell are you guys doing here?” I laughed as I approached them. Raegan stretched her arms open wide for me.
“Umm, did you honestly think we were gonna let you fly across the country and not come to see you off?” she answered, slight annoyance in her voice that I didn’t know this already.
I chuckled to myself and hugged her back. “Ahhh, I’m gonna miss you girl.”
“Just make sure to keep in touch with me and Nate. Got it? Don’t make me have to fly up there after you,” she chided, raising her brows and pointing her finger at me.
“She’s not playin’. I know she’ll do it,” Nate warned and we both laughed.
“Well, Tuck, you got all your stuff packed up?” My dad chimed in.
“Uh, yeah! I mean it’s just my one bag in the car now. The moving truck came yesterday and loaded all my big stuff. They said it should be delivered to the storage unit in Seattle by tomorrow.”
“And you’ve got a place secured up there?”
“Yeah,” I confirmed. “Mr. Levan set me up with a landlord he refers all his recruits to. It’s nothing special or fancy, but it’ll do for now.” Nothing like what I originally had planned for Quinn and I to start our lives and raise our child in. I pushed the thought from my mind immediately.
“Welp,” my dad spoke up again, clapping his hands together. “We’d better hit the road, then. Don’t want you missing your flight.”
We all climbed inside my car together and made the hour and a half drive to the airport. I tried to process the past seven days in my mind, glancing over at my dad every few minutes who repeatedly offered me reassuring smiles.
After Quinn told me she wasn’t ready for a baby, I felt sick to my stomach. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I felt like I had no control whatsoever and it was very unsettling. I spent my days in a sobering silence and most nights I laid awake trying to find the perfect thing to say to her to change her mind. I must’ve typed and re-typed close to fifty text messages, but ended up deleting them all before sending them. It wasn’t until after talking it out with my dad that I ultimately understood. It wasn’t right to guilt her into something she wasn’t ready for, especially having a baby, even if I was ready.
It hurt.
Hell...It hurt badly .
Like each day that I woke up to my new reality was a fresh knife stabbing me in my guts all over again. And even more so that she wouldn’t let me go with her to the appointment to be a support for her.
But maybe this move to Seattle will be a good thing. Maybe I needed this space. This...distance. It will allow me to start healing. As much as I love her, the timing just wasn’t right. At least those are all the things my dad told me and what he seems to think. Me. I would’ve turned the world on end to be with her.
* * *
Quinn
Wednesday
It was early and the parking lot was empty when I pulled in aside from one other car on the other side of the lot with no occupant inside. This is what my mother told me to expect.
Discretion.
No one will ever know what happened.
I sat in my car for another twenty minutes after pulling in. My body was shaking. I was frozen in place, my hands still on the steering wheel. I was terrified. You can do this, Quinn. You have to do this, Quinn. It won’t be that bad. Just go in. Get it done. Get it over with. I let out a shaky breath and felt the tears begin to build in my eyes as I thought back on the heartbeat I’d heard just last week.
I slid a hand down to my stomach and held it there.
“I’m so sorry. I hope you know that I love you so much. And I’m so, so sorry for what I have to do. Please. Please know how much I love you and…”
my lip began to quiver and at first I didn’t think I was going to be able to finish my apology, but I sucked in a deep breath because whether this baby could understand me or not, I needed it to hear it. “... your daddy loves you too. So much.” The tears started streaming down my face and refilled so quickly that my vision remained blurred even after the tears fell.
I inhaled sharply, trying to gather as much courage as I could to get this over with. Just as I reached for the handle of my car door, my phone buzzed with a text.
Raegan: Quinn, are you home? I need to come see you…
Raegan: We lost the baby.
Tears poured from my eyes as I read her text and as if it were even possible I suddenly felt even more guilty than I had just a few seconds ago. Here is the greatest person I know, desperately wanting to have a baby and here I am about to abort mine.
“What do I do?” I sobbed loudly to myself holding my face in my hands.
Twelve
Tucker
8 Years Later…
“You’re finally starting to fill out that Mariners jersey, Monroe. You sure you wanna turn it in for a Rangers jersey?” Randall, my long time teammate, taunted me and I chuckled.
“If it were a team anywhere in the world besides right outside of my hometown, then no , but they made me an offer I couldn’t refuse,” I admitted while sheepishly rubbing a hand through my beard and shrugging at him.
Curveball (For the Love of the Game #3) Page 9
