They were thoughts about Jay. About moving on with him, without Luka.
I wasn’t sure that I was doing the right thing by starting something with Jay now. I gulped. And forget just the thoughts I was having… could I be with Jay with thoughts of Luka still filling my mind? Could I kiss Jay and hold him and let it one day turn into something more? My time to decide against it was ending. Because I knew, I knew that if I chose to go down this path with Jay, it would all start at Fae’s ball. That was in what—a week? And if I went there with Jay at that party, there would be no turning back. No saving our friendship from that.
And if I went there with Jay at that party—what would Luka, watching over me from up above with the gods—what would he think of me then?
“Your Highness.” A swift three taps came at my door and I started, shaking myself from my thoughts.
At some point during my reverie, Fae had stopped suckling at my breast, closed the eyes that looked so much like her father’s, and drifted off back to sleep in my arms. Gently, I stood back up and placed her back in her bassinet. I guessed she wasn’t ready to be up for the day after all.
I tiptoed out of the bedroom and gently closed the door behind me, cringing even at the sound of the lock clicking into place. I leaned against the door, sighing. With everything I’d turned over in my mind already today, I couldn’t believe it wasn’t later in the day already. Still, no matter what hour it truly was, I wasn’t one to look a gift horse in the mouth. If Fae wanted more sleep, I was definitely happy to oblige.
The taps at the door came again and this time Avery sounded concerned that I had yet to answer them. “My lady?” he called again. “Is everything all right in there?”
“I’m coming,” I called softly. I kept my volume low, not wanting the sound to travel behind me into Fae’s room and wake her.
“Mister—”
A muffled conversation outside the door. “Just Jay, Avery.” Jay’s voice, low, nonetheless traveled through the doors to easily reach my ears.
My heart leapt from its normal spot in my chest up to my throat and then plummeted back to my stomach.
And then a corrected announcement came from Williamson, coughing. “Jay is here, Your Highness.”
My footsteps had already paused in their route to opening the door. Jay.
Damn. Damn, damn, damn.
I was not prepared to see him today. Not with all of these thoughts about Luka. I needed time. Time to go through them and sort them out. I couldn’t see him when I wasn’t sure I was doing the right thing by seeing him and starting something up with him. Our date at the party loomed closer every day and today it wasn’t like a bright light in the future; it was like a black cloud hovering over me.
But what was I supposed to do? I hadn’t gone to him. He had come to me. And now… well, I couldn’t leave him just standing out there in the hallway for the rest of the day.
Could I?
I shook my head, banishing the notion. No. No, I couldn’t do that. I was an adult, a mother. And adults did not ignore their problems. Or leave them standing in the hallway.
I took a deep breath and shook my hands out, bouncing on my heels. Okay. Okay, okay. I could do this. I could make a plan. I would let him in and I’d get him out before I ruined everything. I’d say anything—I wasn’t feeling well, I was overtired. Something that would involve a brief conversation, but not last too long before he left again.
That way, whatever I decided, whatever I wanted to do, it would buy me time to actually make a decision.
Why was Luka in my thoughts so much today, anyway?
I could only assume it was because of the stranger I’d met yesterday by the river. The Good Samaritan who had looked so much like my dead husband and then disappeared.
But it wasn’t Luka. There would never be another one.
Had he even actually looked like him? I rubbed my temples. I mean, Jay hadn’t said anything. Maybe it had all been in my head?
But regardless of whether he had or not, the effect of his sudden appearance and disappearance was the same. And that effect was that today, I felt like I had lost Luka all over again.
And I had to wonder at that sudden disappearance.
I was grateful that the man had helped us and the unicorns under the dire circumstances that we’d been in; but if I had been in his position, I don’t think you’d have been able to pull me away if you’d tried. I’d have needed to see the situation through to the end. I wouldn’t have been able to pull my gaze away from the sight that I’d stumbled upon.
But not him. He had just… vanished. As if into thin air.
Another knock, rapping on the door loudly. “Eliana?”
That was Jay’s voice this time. There was no point putting this off any longer. I had to face him.
I opened the door and forced a smile onto my face. “Sorry,” I apologized, tucking a stray piece of hair behind my ear. “I was just… getting Fae back down. She wasn’t quite ready to get on with the day.”
And neither was her mother, I finished silently.
A relaxed smile in return to my own forced one bloomed across Jay’s face when he saw me, lighting up his eyes. My heart twisted in my chest in response. Gods, I wished I could be as happy to see him as I usually was. I wished the smile on my face felt real and genuine, instead of me feeling like I was operating my body like a puppet. I might as well have stuck my fingers into the corners of my lips and pushed them up toward my cheeks. It felt painted on.
“Hey,” Jay greeted me from his position leaning against the wall. He had one leg up like a flamingo as he waited. He pushed forward off the wall and strode toward me, walking into the room. He flipped Avery and Williamson a little salute of farewell as the door shut behind him. He kept striding toward me and gathered me up into his arms in a loose embrace without hesitation.
My body went rigid at his touch. I didn’t know what to do.
Yesterday, I would have returned the embrace without hesitation and would have done so fiercely. But today, I was just trying to hang on to my sanity.
“What an exhausting day,” he breathed. I took a shaky breath. Just like Luka in my dreams last night, I could feel Jay’s breath on my ear when he spoke. His arms tightened. “And you were the only person I wanted to see at the end of it. Well, you and Fae. But I settled for waiting until I thought you’d at least be awake.”
Gingerly, I returned his embrace, patting him tentatively on his back. He released me and stood back, grinning.
“So how’d I do?” He spread his arms wide and quirked an eyebrow. “Do I get any points for restraint? I managed to wait until the sun came up and everything!”
“I’m so proud,” I croaked, going for a normal response even though my throat was dry.
He ruffled the hair at the back of his head. “So, Fae’s asleep, huh? I guess it is pretty early. I always feel like I just miss her.” He tilted his head toward me with a smile. “And I am missing her, you know.”
“I know,” I said softly.
It would hurt him so badly if I called things off. Told him just when I’d been making steps toward him that I was no longer sure about this whole thing. Because it wasn’t just me that Jay loved. I’d seen it in his eyes whenever he saw Fae. He’d fallen in love with my daughter as well.
And that was a whole other thing. I was already worried that I was betraying Luka by moving on myself. Would it be an even greater betrayal if I brought another father figure into Fae’s life?
I’d been so determined to do things on my own at the beginning. Maybe that was what I still should do. Perhaps that would be the best way for me to honor Luka’s memory.
“So, how are the unicorns?” I asked, changing the subject. I couldn’t bear to hear any more about how Jay had missed me or my daughter.
Instead of sitting next to him on the couch, as I usually would, where I would be able to brush my leg against his and feel a little thrill just from that slight touch, I settled down in a chair and ges
tured for him to sit across from me on the couch. I crossed my ankles and folded my hands in my lap. I was trying to look relaxed, but was sure that, instead, I looked like I was trying to pose for a painting. It was hard to act relaxed; I wasn’t entirely sure what my body language should be because when I was actually relaxed, I never really had to think about it.
“Good.” He shook his head in disbelief as he settled down. “Great, actually. I couldn’t really believe it. I knew they healed quickly, but since they weren’t actually physically injured, they were chomping at the bit to get free of the stalls.”
“They weren’t physically injured?” I thought back to that afternoon where Jay and I had gone searching for the flock with Zacarina—and spotted unicorn blood. “What about the blood we saw?”
He shook his head again. “I can only assume the wounds were days old and minor—I’m telling you, we checked them all over for injuries and we came up empty-handed; not even a scar for us to tell which of the unicorns had been hurt. By all indications, they’re in perfect health. And since they had clearly grown weary of our hospitality, about breaking down the stall doors, they’re back in the meadow already.”
My eyebrows shot up. Well, this was an effective distraction from all of the dating thoughts I was worried about. I had certainly not been expecting that. “But the trauma,” I started. “The toll it must have taken on them mentally and emotionally. Are you sure they’re ready?”
He shrugged. “Well, it’s not like I can actually talk to them, but I’m pretty sure, yeah.”
He couldn’t talk to them, but I sure could. I made a mental note for myself to speak with the unicorns when I could and see for myself if I really thought that they were ready.
It was too bad a therapist couldn’t talk to them instead, but I would have to do in their stead.
“If you think about it,” Jay continued, “it makes sense. After all, they’ve been in captivity for what… a week or more? Makes sense that they would want to just be free after that. If it was me, I know that I would. So they’re all back there now. In the meadows and the woods.”
His phrasing caught my attention. “Wait, all of them?” That couldn’t mean…
But yes, Jay was nodding, so apparently it did mean what I was afraid of. “Yeah, Zacarina went back with them. Baby, too.”
Epiphany, I mentally corrected. But Jay didn’t know that Zacarina’s daughter had revealed her name to me. “But was Epiph—I mean, Baby, she can’t have been healed enough for that, could she?”
“She is.” Jay gestured to the window where I’d watched him walking with Epiphany a little over a week ago. “I mean, you saw her yourself. They heal quickly, like I said. And she was doing really, really well.”
“Huh.” I sagged back in the seat, reeling. And feeling a little bit… well, bereft, I guessed. I had come to expect that I could rely on finding Zacarina and Epiphany waiting for me in the stable. I’d come to expect that I’d be able to find someone to talk to who really knew what was going on with me. They knew what no one else did—that I could talk to unicorns now.
That secret would be mine alone to keep now.
“On another note,” Jay drawled. A small smile crawled across his cheeks. “The party’s pretty soon,” he said, his voice soft and eyes sparkling. “I’ve got my snazzy duds all ready to go.”
Gods, my stomach was rollicking. This was exactly what I was afraid of. I couldn’t do this with Jay.
Luka’s face flew into my mind and my gut clenched.
I had to tell him.
“About that…” I drew out the words awkwardly “I’m sorry. I’ve thought about it a lot, and I think it may have been a mistake to make that date so quickly.”
Jay couldn’t have looked more shocked than if I’d slapped him in the face. He blinked rapidly; it was like the flipping pages of a book whose pages were being rifled through. Water shone at the corners of his eyes. “I don’t understand. What changed?” he asked.
I splayed my fingers over my knees and turned my hands over helplessly. “I’m just not ready.”
He stood up quickly. “I better go.”
“Jay, wait.” I stood up fast, not sure what I was going to say.
He held a hand up. “Save it, Eliana.” He shot me a disappointed look. “I don’t want you do anything you don’t want to do.” His voice was choked up, and a hint of bitterness spiked it.
He opened the door and walked away from me as a pit in my stomach appeared and threatened to swallow me whole.
Gods above, what had I done?
9th May
The next day, I dwelled within a fog of sickness and regret.
I couldn’t believe what I had done to Jay. I had dreamt of Luka two nights ago, but now I wished that my conversation with Jay had been the dream—or nightmare, more aptly.
I tried to distract myself, but this wasn’t like my worries about the unicorns and Rumpelstiltskin. I’d been worried and very concerned then. But how could I distract myself when my heart felt as though I had ripped it out of my chest and then tried to mash it back in. It was like… like trying to unpack a new duvet from its packaging—it would never fit back inside the same way again.
Low on things that could distract me when Fae fell asleep, I put her in her baby carrier and went by my mother’s room to receive the updated report on the search for Rumpelstiltskin. When I entered the room, Mother greedily took Fae from her carrier and gathered her into her arms while she talked to me and gave me the updated report.
But try as I might have for a solid distraction, it did me no good. The idea had been for her to distract me, but I’d been too distracted even to hear what she said. So this was really nothing more than a gigantic waste of time for everyone.
With the unicorns safely returned to the meadows, albeit with guards patrolling out there far more frequently than they used to before all of this, a great deal of the urgency I’d felt to find the imp that my mother had dealt with so long ago had vanished. And with the loss of that urgency, came a lack of attention, unfortunately.
Logically, I knew that he could be and likely still was a danger to us all. My mother seemed certain that he was not the sort to forgive and forget. He felt she’d violated their agreement. He was going to have his revenge. And I felt sure that seizing the unicorns and then them being returned to us did not count as revenge for a second.
I still wondered about that. I hadn’t had the chance to ask them yesterday. Had they escaped? Or had Rumpelstiltskin let them go?
Regardless of the answer, with no one in active peril, the impetus to keep moving, keep hunting for the culprit who had kidnapped them, had faded—for me, at least.
But Mother had been worried he’d return my entire life. She wasn’t going to give up now that he had shown himself once more.
“So I guess that’s it—we just keep on looking.” Mother’s voice finally penetrated the thick fog in my mind and I shook my head, blinking hard and trying to come back to attention.
I could have tried to pretend I had listened to everything she’d said, but what was the point? “Huh?” I asked.
She smiled at me sympathetically. “You’re distracted today. Is everything all right?”
“Yes,” I said quickly. Liar, my mind accused.
“Hmmm.” Her mouth twisted, unconvinced. “Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
Her lips stayed pursed. She still wasn’t buying it. “Jay hasn’t come by the palace today.”
I stiffened at the sound of his name. It was uncanny, her ability to just zero in on the problem I was having. It could have been the guards reporting on me, but I knew better. This was just my mother. How did mothers always, always know when something was bothering us, no matter how hard we tried to pretend that we were feeling just fine and dandy?
Maybe it started in infancy. I was probably in training for the same set of motherly skills for Fae right now and didn’t even know it. One day, my ability to decipher her hungry cries from her wet
diaper cries would translate into an ability to be able to tell when something was a little off about her, even if she was acting like everything was okay.
Seeing that she was on the right track, thanks to the betrayal of my body language, my mother continued. “In fact,” she said, emphasizing the T at the end of fact, “word was sent up from the stables. He isn’t working today. They said that he’d made an excuse of being sick and taken the day away from the staviary.”
“He’s sick?” My brow furrowed in concern, thinking back. He’d looked fine when I’d seen him yesterday. Full color in his cheeks, alert eyes, steady stance. Well, he had looked fine… but that was right up until I had delivered the equivalent of a verbal gut punch and told him I thought it was wrong for the two of us to be together after all. Dismay and shame spiraled through me at the memory.
Now that the dream of Luka had faded a bit, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had made a terrible mistake by ending things with Jay.
“Eliana.” Mother’s voice was sharp and I snapped to attention. “I feel reasonably confident that Jay is in good health. That boy once came to work with a one hundred and two degree fever and tried to still pitch hay into the stalls. So he’s either dying, or he’s got other problems that he’s focusing on.”
Other problems. She’d hit the nail on the head with that one. Jay did have other problems and I was the cause of all of them.
This was exactly what my hesitation had been in starting things up with Jay in the first place. I’d been worried that I would hurt him and cause irrevocable damage to our friendship, which had been a constant in my life for as long as I could remember.
At this point, honestly, I thought Jay was probably better off without me. All I did was cause him pain. Our whole lives, he’d loved me, and I had kept him back at arms’ length, turning my attention to others and then falling in love with Luka. And Jay had never begrudged me that. All he wanted was for me to be happy, and if he wasn’t the source of it, he’d never try to force me or convince me that we should be together.
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