And then, finally, just when it seemed as though things had changed, when I’d finally thought that there could be something more between us—when I felt something more for him, something beyond mere friendship—I’d thrown it away like it was nothing. And all for what? A dream? The appearance of a stranger?
Gods, I’d been a fool. I’d let superstition and guilt take me over and run my life. I hadn’t been strong enough to make the decisions that I really wanted in the face of those suffocating emotions.
Now, I didn’t know what I could do about it, though. Apologizing didn’t seem like it would be enough. I didn’t know if Jay would ever be able to forgive me. I didn’t know that I would be that kind if I were in his shoes.
He wasn’t ordinarily one to hold a grudge—but it wasn’t like I had eaten a sandwich of his without asking or something. This was no small and minor infraction we were talking about here. I had broken his heart. I had ripped it from his chest and stomped upon it with high-heeled shoes—stiletto ones. His heart had taken a beating; it was no wonder he had reported that he was sick.
He was sick. But it wasn’t a physical ailment that he suffered from. There were no germs that he needed to eradicate to make himself better. He was heartsick.
And gods help me, so was I. But unfortunately, I had no one to blame for that but myself.
“Eliana?” Mother’s voice came again; gentler, this time. “Did something happen between the two of you?”
I covered my face and shook my head, unable to look at her. “Yes, but I…” I trailed off, my voice cracking with emotion. I swallowed it back down again, just enough to speak and get the words out around my rapidly tightening throat. Behind my hands, tears welled in my eyes. “I can’t talk about it yet. I’ve been an idiot.” The sentences warbled unsteadily, like a piano out of tune, but I managed to get them out, which was an accomplishment given how I was feeling. It was a miracle that I hadn’t started sobbing in my mother’s arms already.
“All right,” she said softly. “Well, whenever you’re ready to talk, just know that I’m always here for you.”
I peeked through my fingers and looked at her. Her smile was as understanding as her voice. “Thank you,” I said. My own voice was tiny in response.
My hands fell from my cheeks as I looked at Mother sitting there again, cradling Fae. I’d brought my daughter with me for the report this morning, knowing that my mother would have absolutely no protests. She seized upon any chance she could to see her granddaughter. The minute I’d walked into her rooms, she’d greedily gathered Fae from my arms into hers and sat down, holding her against her chest. Fae hadn’t protested once.
“Do you think…?” I gestured to the two of them. “Would you mind watching her for a little while? I think I need to think.”
A peal of laughter erupted from my mother’s lips as if what I’d said was the most hilarious thing she’d ever heard. “Do I mind? Mind being a grandmother? Never. Never, ever.”
She met my eyes and inclined her head toward me, the diamond tiara that she’d put on to confer with her guards sparkling as it caught the light. “Take all the time to think that you need, darling. I’ll watch over your daughter for you. We’ll be here when you return.
“And if you need to speak with anyone while you’re out… well, you can take that time too.”
Leaving my mother’s rooms, my walk through the palace was not altogether that different from the one that I’d taken only a few days ago, when I’d determinedly ripped through the halls on a course to find my mother. My fists then had been clenched with coiled tension, with anger that I had been trying desperately to keep a tight hold on, lest I inadvertently release it on some innocent bystander. This time, it was my heart that was coiled tightly, shrinking with shame over how I’d treated Jay. I knew I needed to make amends somehow. I just didn’t know what that “somehow” method was.
And I might not have been scowling this time when I tore through the castle’s hallways and corridors at an unusual pace, but I sure wasn’t smiling. I made no effort to paste a false one on for the people who might see me. I didn’t really care.
But the results weren’t all that different. Nobles and courtiers started to greet me, but then quickly stopped talking, withdrawing and not attempting to hold me there for a conversation. I didn’t think that my expression looked as forbidding as it had a few days ago, but maybe they simply couldn’t stand to look at someone in the eyes who looked as despondent as I did. Maybe my dismay was as plain to see as my anger had been.
I might have been grateful for the quick reprieve, for the bit of distraction—I could maybe convince strangers that I was paying attention if I tried—but to be honest, I didn’t even have the energy or focus to feign that amount of attention.
Mother had seen it in an instant, and I’d actually been trying to listen to her. What she was saying was important. What these people, however well-meaning, would have amounted to nothing more than chitchat. The weather was lovely today. They’d seen me in the gardens with Princess Fae. She must be the cutest baby they’d ever seen. Had I heard that the kitchens were making lemon cakes for dessert this evening? They knew they were my favorites.
Not even compliments about my daughter or the news that my favorite sweet treats were on the menu tonight would cheer me up today, though. In response to whatever the conversationalist was saying to me, all I could bring myself to do was to nod politely, distantly, and at the first pause, the first silence in the conversation—even if the speaker had only stopped for long enough to take a breath, I excused myself and continued on.
Avery and Williamson, as they always did, followed behind me. They were silent, but even their presence distracted me. It was like the humming of their thoughts, indecipherable though they were, followed behind me like a swam of buzzing bees. I was no mindreader, but I could imagine what they were thinking. Wondering what was going on with me. And I didn’t have space in my head for their thoughts. I needed the extra room to sort out my own thoughts and wonderings.
I needed the peace that came with being alone to sort out my own thoughts without feeling like theirs were with me.
It didn’t seem like very long before we were outside the castle and at the edge of the meadow, but it must have been. The castle was not a tiny building and it took a fair amount of time for one to make their way through it and its grounds, especially with the multiple interruptions we’d encountered.
All the while, Avery and Williamson said not a word, just following behind me like shadows stitched to the back of my feet. At the meadow’s edge, finally, I could take it no longer. I whirled around and put my hands out toward them, signaling for them to stop. I’d caught them by surprise with the movement, and they came up short, startled.
“Please,” I begged. “Can you stop here? I need to be alone.”
They exchanged a glance. “Your Highness knows that Her Majesty the Queen has given her express orders that the princess should not be left alone, except with guards posted outside. Perhaps if that is Your Highness’s wish, then we should return to the castle and you may be alone in your rooms.”
Williamson’s tone was not unsympathetic, but also firm. So was the resolve in his eyes. After all, this request was not as simple as it seemed. I was asking him to violate orders he’d been given from his lieges. Orders he had sworn an oath to uphold. And he wasn’t the type to flout that sort of thing.
But without realizing it, he’d given me a loophole. And one that I fully intended to exploit.
“Those were your orders?” I confirmed. “That was how my mother worded it, right? Those exact words? ‘With guards posted outside?’”
His brows knitted, not sure where I was going with this. “Ye-essss?” he drew out the word into a question. But his tone said that he wasn’t sure that he wanted to receive the answer.
“Great, then!” I clapped my hands together and threw my arms open wide, indicating the great outdoors around us. “The two of you are guards. We are
outside. Ergo, there are guards posted outside and you will not have violated an order at all if you let me have a little time to myself to think.” I rocked back on my heels and crossed my arms, a little smug and pleased with myself.
“Your Highness, please,” Williamson protested, shaking his head and frowning. “We both know that that wasn’t… I feel very sure that that was not the spirit of what the queen intended.”
“Please,” I begged. I clasped my hands together like I was praying. In a way, I was. If the gods were so hell-bent on making me gods-touched as I suspected, I thought it was only fair that they do me this teeny, tiny favor and intervene so that I could have a little bit of time alone.
“Williamson, you’re right, I know. And I know that what I am asking of you is a very big favor.” I pointed emphatically back toward the castle. “But I can’t think in there. It’s like a cage.” I huffed out an aggrieved breath. “Just… put yourself in my shoes for a minute. Imagine never having a minute to yourself. You guys, at least, get to trade shifts with other guards at night and go back to your own room in the barracks. I am always watched. Always. Can you imagine how that makes me feel?”
The two guards exchanged glances, communicating silently.
“Williamson,” Avery clasped a hand on the older guard’s shoulder. “I think we should do as the princess asks. She’s right. We’ll have followed orders. Our oath holds true. And we’re not the only guards out here anymore, especially not since all the trouble started with the unicorns and the hunt for Rumpelstiltskin has been on. There are patrols constantly. We can make them aware that they need to be especially vigilant while Her Highness is in there. Nothing will come after the princess.”
My heart leapt, not having expected to find myself an ally in either of the guards. But I would happily accept the help Avery was providing without complaint. My eyes turned back to Williamson. I knew, as the senior guard, the decision was ultimately his. So I held my breath, waiting for his verdict.
Williamson sighed, knowing when he was beaten. Between myself and Avery, his motivation to agree far outweighed his inclination to say no. “Fine,” he grumbled. Just because he’d agreed didn’t necessarily mean he was happy about it.
I squealed and darted forward to give him a hug. This was the happiest I’d felt in two days. Finally, I’d get some open air. Finally, it would just be me, my thoughts, and the sky up above.
I squeezed the disgruntled old guard around the middle, rocking from side to side in my glee. “Oh, thank you, Williamson. Thank you so much.”
He stiffened at my touch, not used to open shows of affection from royalty. Pretty sure he’d always thought of us as untouchable up until now. In response to my embrace, all he could bring himself to do was to give me a few awkward pats on the back in return. “You’re um… You are very welcome, Your Highness.” I pulled back and he coughed, awkward for a moment longer before he regained his composure and he gave me a grim smile. “Please do not make me regret the decision.”
“You won’t,” I said quickly, waving an arm hastily and shaking my head. “I just need a little bit of time to sort out some thoughts. I won’t be long.”
I hoped not, anyway.
Leaving my guards behind with their full knowledge and consent for a change, for the first time in weeks, I set off into the meadows by myself and just walked, allowing my thoughts to wander. But though I walked in a straight line for the most part, my thoughts did not. They went around and around in circles with each step that I took, essentially arguing with myself.
I’d made a mistake with Jay.
Or had the mistake been getting involved with him in the first place?
I needed to apologize.
But had I done the wrong thing?
I hoped that Jay would take me back.
But should he? Would us being together be right?
That was really the question, wasn’t it? My heart clenched. I stopped, closing my eyes and concentrating. Luka was gone and, yesterday’s strange doubts aside, I did believe that he’d want me to be happy. I didn’t believe, as kind of a man as he had been while he’d been alive, that he would change so much in death that he’d wish for me to go the rest of my days unloved by any other man.
And if I was going to be with anyone, I thought he’d approve of my choice in Jay.
Jay had always been very respectful of my choice in marrying Luka and never made things uncomfortable by making Luka feel like he had designs on his wife. When Luka had been alive, the two of them had gotten along well when they’d met.
Luka had liked Jay. And known that he was a good man.
A warm breeze washed over my face, and I tilted my chin up into it, feeling like it was Luka’s blessing.
I was going to be with Jay. And my past love would not be forgotten. I’d make sure that, as loved by Jay and myself as Fae was, that she knew her father. I would tell her stories about him and keep his memory alive.
I stopped, suddenly realizing that I was out of breath. I’d only given birth a couple of weeks ago and my fitness level wasn’t where it had been before I’d had Fae.
When I looked up, at last at peace with my decision, my surroundings had changed. I was no longer in the wide-open air of the meadows. At some point in my wanderings, I’d crossed into the thicker woods. Deeper in the forest than I had ever gone before.
And it was getting darker, too.
I shielded my eyes as I looked up toward the sun. It was far lower in the sky than it had been when I began my trek. And the sky was a burnt orange color that could only mean that the sun was setting. The trees obscured my vision, though, and I wasn’t sure exactly how low it was.
Damn. My insides squirmed with guilt. I had promised Williamson that I wouldn’t be long. It had to have been hours by now and the older guard was probably in a tizzy. I needed to head back.
I turned on my heel. The sun set in the west—the castle was back east in the exact opposite direction. And that was where I needed to go now.
With my head a bit clearer, I started the trek once more. It was amazing how much longer the journey felt now that I wasn’t distracted. I noticed every time my ankle almost turned on a small rock, every little branch that snatched at my clothing.
Another breeze blew past and I shivered, clutching my arms and looking around. As it got darker, the temperatures began to dip. I really needed to get back home.
I kept walking forward, trying to aim for a straight line back, but now the sun was down, and with it had gone any sense of direction that I had.
I took another step and felt something tighten around my ankle. Looking down, I saw the culprit.
My leg was caught in a trap.
Bending down to examine it, for the first time, a spike of fear shot through me. This wasn’t like the traps we’d found Epiphany in a couple of weeks ago. My leg wasn’t maimed from being caught. But that didn’t make me feel that much better. I might not have been harmed physically, but I tugged at the trap experimentally and then a little bit more insistently, and I couldn’t see how I would get out of this either.
“Help,” I croaked. My throat was dry from hours of disuse and not speaking to anyone. I cleared it and tried again, shouting this time. “Help!” I said loudly, calling into the darkness. “I’m trapped!”
But there was no one nearby. I kept on shouting—I knew Williamson and his vigilance. A search party would be coming soon, and I needed them to find me. They’d have dogs involved in the search, but shouting was sure to be a help to them in locating their missing princess.
I heard a rustling and turned. They’d found me already. That was nothing short of a miracle.
But the moon’s light caught on golden eyes and a golden horn protruding through the bushes.
Zacarina.
“We heard your cries of distress and came.” She walked closer, Epiphany trailing behind her.
“Wait!” I cried. I threw my hand out. Her hooves paused in their steps. My eyes flicked uneasily over the
forest floor.
“Be careful,” I warned. “I don’t know if there are other traps here. I’d hate for either of you to get stuck the way that I am.”
Zacarina nodded, inspecting the ground beneath her with each step carefully. “Follow exactly where I step, young one,” she instructed her daughter.
I held my breath, and at last they reached me.
The great equine creature leaned forward to take a look at the trap that I’d gotten myself caught in.
She looked up at me, somber. “I do not think we can free you. But you will not be alone tonight.”
Somehow sensing her call, unicorns began to descend from the heavens, landing beside me. Zacarina and Epiphany stood behind me and the others came up along my sides. They were so warm. My muscles, tense from the cold, began to relax.
“It’s all right, young one. I told you I would be there when you had need of me. We will watch over you tonight.”
10th May
“Eliana? Eliana!”
I snapped awake, hearing voices shouting my name. I rubbed at my eyes. It was still dark outside.
I listened closer, straining my ears. But maybe I had only imagined that I’d heard those voices. Maybe they had been a dream that lingered into my waking. Because now all I heard were the sounds of the forest around me. The rustling leaves, the wind through the trees, and crickets chirping in the distance. The heartbeat of the unicorn at my back.
I could barely see my hand in front of my face. But I could still feel the warmth of the unicorns’ bodies surrounding mine. They were warm against me, keeping the cold from me, but it didn’t change that the way I’d been sleeping was hardly ideal. My muscles were cramped and my foot was…
Experimentally, I twisted and turned my ankle and sighed. Yep. My foot was still caught in the trap that I knew, instinctively, had been meant for the unicorns, and not for human prey.
Throne of Sacrifice Page 6
