The Impact of You

by Kendall Ryan

Page 17

 

  I lower my mouth to hers, then stop. I won’t force her into anything. I want to give her the chance to decide.

  “Jase?” Her breath whispers across my mouth.

  “Yeah?”

  Her tongue dampens her bottom lip, but she doesn’t say anything else, she just closes her eyes and waits for me to kiss her. I don’t hesitate. I capture her mouth in a fierce kiss; a kiss I desperately hope chases away all the bad memories. Avery grips my shoulders, clinging to me, clawing at my biceps. Something primal and possessive bubbles up inside me. I push her back to the bed, helping her scramble onto the mattress. We’re both breathless as we crash together again, kissing, struggling to get closer.

  There are no words tonight. No over-analyzing shit. We are two bodies, attracted to each other and fulfilling a need so deep it can only be overcome one way. I want to be inside her. I’m desperate to claim her, but I don’t have a condom and I doubt she does, either. I rip her pants down her legs and find her bare underneath. Her fingers work at the button on my jeans, trembling and unsure. I rise from the bed and remove my jeans and boxers. I stand proudly in front of her and watch as her gaze lowers to my insanely hard cock. I realize I’ve never been naked in front of her before. The desire in her eyes tells me she likes what she sees. I pull my shirt off next and join her on the bed once again.

  Avery’s eyes linger over me, taking in everything. Unable to slow the pace, I pull her up so I can remove her shirt. Her bra is the last article between us and I find the clasp at the middle of her back and free her of it. I toss it over the side of the bed with the rest of my clothes.

  Avery climbs on top of me, straddling my hips and her bare flesh presses into me, the tiny rotations of her hips driving me crazy. My head drops back on the pillow and a groan escapes the back of my throat.

  Being naked with Avery is a bad idea. Capital fucking B. Her bare skin is so soft and smells so good, I have to taste her. I sit up so I can reach her mouth, and kiss her deeply. Avery matches my pace, her tongue massaging mine. The only sounds are skin sliding against skin, heavy breathing and the occasional soft moan from Avery. It’s making me crazy.

  My fingers grip her waist, holding her still against me. I can feel how wet she is and it’s not helping my erection. I’m going to embarrass myself if she doesn’t stop grinding against me soon.

  Kissing a damp path down her throat, I stop to nibble her collarbone before tilting my head to capture her breast in my mouth. Avery arches forward, groaning loudly in the too quiet room. My hands leave her waist, as I decide to momentarily trust her not to send me over the edge. One hand glides up her spine, curling around the back of her neck to lower her mouth to mine, while my other hand reaches between us to massage the sensitive nub of flesh she’s trying desperately to rub against my groin.

  Avery’s head drops back and she growls with pleasure as I glide my fingers over her tender skin, sending her closer and closer to release. I attack her exposed throat with kisses, biting into the skin and sucking hard enough to leave a mark as my fingers increase their rhythm. Avery responds, but not at all like I expect her to. She scrambles from my lap, breathless, her eyes wide with fear.

  “Babe?” I pull a deep breath into my lungs. Did I do something wrong? She doesn’t answer, but her eyes fill with tears. What the fuck? “Did I hurt you?”

  She shakes her head.

  “Tell me what I did. ” I reach for her hand, but she pulls away from me, climbing off the bed to stand on shaky legs.

  My overheated body struggles to catch up to my brain. We’re still both naked, though my erection is quickly catching up to the problem. I grab the sheet from the bed and wrap it around her shoulders, and then step into my boxers. “Tell me what happened. ” My voice is firm, but I don’t care. She was having a good time, about to come, I think, and then she just snapped.

  Avery swallows visibly and tugs the blanket tighter around herself. “I’m sorry. That was just too much for me. This – whatever that was – I can’t. I just need to focus on me. I need to get through tomorrow. I can’t handle this with you and the idea of meeting my mother tomorrow. I need to pick my battles. ”

  Shit fuck. I shouldn’t have come in here with one thing on my mind – to make us both forget. Avery has bigger things on her shoulders right now. Maybe she wanted to talk, have someone beside her to listen to her feelings, hell, maybe she wanted to be left alone. Either way, I’ve fucked up. Again.

  “I’m sorry. ” I pull up my jeans. “I wasn’t thinking. ”

  She clutches the blanket around her shoulders and watches me get dressed.

  The moment between us has passed, and I can sense she wants me gone. I pull my T-shirt over my head. “I’ll go. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have come. Just get some sleep. ”

  She nods and I disappear through the door to my own room.

  Avery

  I am shaking when Jase leaves. I sink to the floor, leaning against the door he just exited. I can’t believe he just left…I know I freaked out, but I just needed a second. Having him take control like that was too reminiscent of Brent and I hate feeling out of control. My heart is slamming against my chest as I process the fact that he only wants the physical with me. Is it because of my background – that’s how he sees me? It’s the reputation I’ve earned, but I thought Jase, of all people, would understand I’m not that girl anymore. My abandonment issues had clouded my judgment, and that’s all much too close to home right now.

  I have no idea where Jase and I stand. Is this just physical for him? Does he want something more? Is he over my past? The questions won’t stop, and I suddenly can’t breathe. I hope that Jase, who knows about my past, would understand that some things will be uncomfortable for me. But his mouth was demanding, his hands insistent, and he’d nearly pushed me over the edge before I got control back. I don’t trust him not to hurt me again. To leave me high and dry when he stops and thinks about the pictures again.

  Once I get my breathing under control, I get dressed and curl up in the big bed, hugging a pillow against my chest to combat the empty feeling inside. It does little good, because the pillow smells like him. It’s comforting, but it also makes the throb in my chest more painful.

  I spend the night tossing and turning against the lumpy mattress, begging my brain to shut off so I can sleep. Sleep finally comes, but it’s restless.

  In the morning, neither Jase nor I speak about last night. We grab breakfast from the lobby – bitter tasting coffee and stale muffins – and hit the road. I can tell he regrets coming with me. Hell, he probably thinks I’m an all-out basket case. And maybe I am. But I can’t focus on everything that’s gone wrong between us right now. Today is the today I’ve been waiting for all my life. I push away the dark, swirling thoughts about Jase’s hasty departure last night and climb into the car.

  After two hours of driving, I pull off the highway with the excuse of needing to fill up the gas tank, but really I just need a break. My knuckles are sore from gripping the steering wheel and my emotions are all over the place. Luckily, Jase doesn’t comment that I still have half a tank, he just gets out of the car and begins pumping the gas, then offers to drive the last leg of the trip. I merely nod and shove the keys at him.

  Jase’s expression is guarded and I can’t tell what he’s thinking. But I try not to worry about that, and instead slump into the passenger seat while he runs inside to the convenience store. He returns a few minutes later with bottles of water and soda and a few chocolate bars.

  He gets in beside me and dumps everything onto my lap. “You should have some sugar…it’ll make you feel better. ”

  I nod and tear into a Hershey’s bar, taking a small nibble from the corner. Jase is right, the sugar floods my system and perks me up the slightest bit. I finish the whole chocolate bar and drink half the soda as he takes over driving. We’re getting close now – the GPS on my phone says only a couple more turns before we reach our final destinat
ion. It sounds ominous.

  Jase is silent, but I can see him stealing glances at me from the corner of his eye as he drives. We still haven’t talked about last night. I wonder if I should feel embarrassed for practically kicking him out of my room naked and very obviously turned on, but that’s not even making the cut right now. My entire being is absorbed by the fact I’m about to meet my mom.

  Eventually we pull onto a tree-lined street. The homes are small, but well-maintained. It’s surreal to finally see where she lives – to think, if things had been different, this is where I could’ve grown up. I watch the addresses as we pass and my heartbeat builds to a staggering level in my chest.

  Jase slows to a stop and parks in front of a single-story brick home with a paved brick walkway cutting through the front yard. “We’re here. ”

  Chapter 28

  Jase

  Watching Avery meet her mom for the first time is physically painful. I can feel the jittery excitement, the thick awkward air hanging around us as they take each other in, the moment Avery decides they should hug and reaches out in a sloppy attempt at a one-armed embrace. God, I wish I could make this moment easier on her. Jessica, her mom, hugs her back, flinging both arms around. They sob onto each other’s shoulders. A tight feeling invades my chest as I watch them.

  There’s no denying the resemblance. Avery and her mom share many of the same features: their long, wavy auburn-colored hair, the bright emerald eyes and smattering of freckles across the bridge of their noses. Watching them hug is more emotionally taxing than I would have thought. I’d approached this whole thing with Avery in mind – being there for her was my goal. I didn’t expect to be overcome at the sight of their reunion. Yet, I can’t deny that watching a mother and child lay eyes on each other for the first time in nineteen years doesn’t pull at something deep inside me. My chest gets tight, and I can’t help but think of my own parents right now. Even if we’ve gone through some messed up stuff together, I’m still glad they’re my parents. I can’t imagine the emotions of knowing you were put up for adoption. It makes me want to hold Avery, to kiss away her tears. I vow never to fuck up again with her like I did last night. She deserves more, and if she’ll let me try again, I intend to give her everything.

  After several minutes of hugging, sobbing and pointing out similarities, Jessica releases her hold on Avery and I introduce myself as Avery’s friend. Feeling generous, she gives me a solid hug too. Apparently the atmosphere is contagious. Jessica leads us up the walkway toward the house and I find Avery’s hand, squeezing it in mine. She wipes at her eyes and gives me a shaky smile. I’m so glad she didn’t insist on doing this alone.

  Jessica’s house is small, but nicely decorated. The living room holds two couches separated by a coffee table tackled with books. She directs me and Avery to take a seat. I let Avery choose her spot, then sit down next to her. Jessica sits across from us, and silence fills the room as the enormity of this moment sinks in.

  “Sooo…” I chuckle nervously, attempting to help jumpstart the conversation that neither of them seems to know how to begin. “Jessica, what do you do?”

  She swallows and tears her eyes away from Avery briefly. “Oh, right. ” She smiles warmly. “I teach high school English. ”

  Avery’s eyes widen. “English was my favorite subject in high school. ”

  Jessica continues and we learn she isn’t married and doesn’t have any other children. She lives alone, aside from a cat, and loves to read – another thing she and Avery have in common. I think Avery’s relieved to find she’s so normal. I know I am. I would have felt terrible for Avery to discover her mom was a weirdo.

  Jessica prepares sandwiches for lunch and they catch up while we eat. I notice they have the same mannerisms – fidgeting with their napkins, tucking hair behind their ears, even their posture is the same. It’s uncanny.

  After lunch, Avery shares some photos from her childhood, and it’s the first time I’ve seen her dads. They seem like a happy family. Jessica asks some questions, but doesn’t pry. She keeps the conversation more in the here and now – what Avery’s majoring in, how she likes her classes, things like that. Avery, taking her cues from Jessica, doesn’t delve into the past either, though she’s got to be curious about Jessica’s decision to give her up for adoption, about her birthfather. I know I am. But perhaps there’s a certain etiquette to these things, and the heavier topics will come at the next meeting.

  All too soon, it’s late afternoon, and Avery and I prepare to leave. Jessica hugs us each one last time with teary eyes and tells Avery to email or call anytime. As soon as we’re outside the door, I pull Avery into my arms. Her breath releases in a sigh and she relaxes against me. “I’m proud of you,” I whisper. Her arms tighten around my waist.

  Avery’s silent and contemplative on the drive to the hotel. We plan to spend one night in Denver and then make the long drive back on Sunday.

  When we reach the hotel, Avery looks exhausted. “Thanks for being here. ”

  I can’t help but reach out to touch her. I push the hair back from her face, stroking her cheek softly. “Anytime, Whistle. You doing okay?”

  She smiles at the nickname and nods. “Yeah. It went much better than I expected. ”

  I have to agree, and I’m sure she was mentally preparing herself for the worst too. Avery yawns loudly and I chuckle. She has a content smile on her face, but I can tell today emotionally drained her, and if she was as restless as I was last night, she’s got to be exhausted. “Why don’t you go take a nap, and then we’ll go out to dinner later?”

  She nods. “Okay. ”

  We part ways, Avery goes into her room and I head into mine. I lie down on the bed trying to clear my head. Only I can’t concentrate. All I can think about is the girl on the other side of the door, and wonder if maybe she needs me. I shuffle to the door separating our rooms and knock softly. It opens right away, like Avery was waiting right there.