The Accidental Troll

by Dakota Cassidy

  “It means I’m new to Troll Hill. Forget that for now. Question? Or maybe more like a favor, if you please?”

  He swished his blue tail, his gaze intent as he nibbled at the nut. “Lady, I don’t know you like that.”

  “But this isn’t for me. It’s actually for Sten, and he is your king,” she reminded the ornery critter.

  Now Leonard sat up straight, setting aside the nut he’d been eating. “I like Sten, he’s a real good king. We all like him. Whaddya need?”

  “I need to know if you or any of your friends might have seen his mother. She’s missing.”

  “Birgit?” he said, sounding alarmed. “Man, I love that dame. She’s pretty hot, and nice. She always leaves food out for me and my buddies. I haven’t seen her in a coupla days, but I’ll pass the word on everywhere.”

  She smiled at him, clapping her hands. “Would you? I’d really appreciate that, Leonard. Tell your friends to tell everyone, and if they find anything out, anything at all, to come tell Sten, okay?”

  He saluted her with an intense gaze and a wiggle of his hind quarters. “You got it!” he said before he scurried down the tree and off into the distance like a bolt of blue light.

  “Making friends?” Sten asked as he came up behind her, his face taut with worry.

  She whirled around. “I had an idea. Surely, one of the woodland creatures must have seen your mother, right? I mean, they’re everywhere, just like back on my plane, yes? Nature’s eyes and ears?”

  “Right…” he murmured.

  “Then maybe one of them saw something when she went missing. So I asked Leonard, that blue squirrel—which by the by, is still weird—to ask around for us.”

  He gave her a wan smile, but his eyes were warm. “And you were worried about not fitting in…”

  With a sigh, she rolled up the sleeves of her sweatshirt. “Any ideas on where to start? What did Jannick say?”

  “He said she went shopping late yesterday afternoon, and he hasn’t seen her since. He texted her to meet for dinner and nothing. In fact, he texted her all night, and nothing. Not a peep—which leaves me pretty concerned.”

  “Where did she go shopping?” Maybe they could go there and ask questions.

  “We have an amazing marketplace in the center of Troll Hill. Jannick says she went there to pick up some fresh fruit and vegetables for the week. Now, I know my mother, and she can get lost in a good shopping spree, but not that lost. Something’s not right, Murphy, and I can’t figure if it’s connected to what happened to Nova or not.”

  Tightening her ponytail, she asked, “Then why aren’t we looking at the market right now? Let’s go.”

  He put his hands on her shoulders and gazed into her eyes. “Because we need a plan first, Murphy. I don’t want to go into this without having some idea of where we should start. The less time we spend running around willy-nilly, the better off we’ll be.”

  He was right, and she said so. “You’re right. Maybe Leonard the squirrel will be able to help us. Until then, let’s make a plan.”

  Murphy grabbed his hand and made her way to the kitchen where everyone was with Jannick, consoling him as Marty, Wanda and Nina fluttered around, making coffee, and Nova huddle with Bellamy at a small corner table, overlooking more arched windows, talking softly.

  His kitchen had all the modern conveniences, something she hadn’t expected. But it was shiny with appliances and beautifully maintained butcher-block countertops. The cabinets were moss green with hand-carved pulls.

  As Murphy was looking more closely at the craftmanship, someone knocked on the door.

  Jordy flew from the pantry, where he was busily hunting for food for lunch, but Murphy held up a hand when she saw how harried he looked. “I’ll get it. You worry about lunch.”

  She headed to the arched door and popped it open—only to gasp at what stood before her.

  A sea of colorful creatures—a rainbow of chipmunks and rabbits, skunks, snakes, birds, and of course, squirrels.

  A tiny yellow bird, so bright it glowed, zipped in front of her face, its tiny wings whirring, its chest heaving as though it were out of breath. “Are you Murphy?”

  Instinctually, she held up a finger, giving the tiny bird a place to land, and when he was settled on her finger, she said with a smile, “I am. Who are you?”

  “Name’s Stink, and I have some news for you,” he chirped gaily, fluttering his soft wings.

  Nina came up behind her and draped an arm around her shoulder. “Damn,” she muttered. “C’mon, Disney princess.”

  Murphy tried not to show her surprise, but never in all of her life had something so amazing happened to her. Patting Nina’s hand, she smiled, trying to contain her excitement and frighten the crowd at her feet.

  “I think this makes my title of woodland troll official.” Kneeling down, taking Nina with her, she sat on the steps of Sten’s cottage and gazed out at the rainbow of tiny creatures—in utter awe.

  Stink grew impatient, pecking at her finger. “You wanna hear this or not? I hear there’s a batch of worms over by the park, and I don’t want to miss out.”

  Murphy blinked, trying to focus. “Oh, of course. Please. Tell me what you know.”

  “I saw Birgit at the market yesterday. She was buying some juicy tomatoes and a couple of mush melons. Then she met up with someone who offered to carry her bags to her moped.”

  Murphy fought not to inhale a sharp breath. “Who was it, Stink? Do you know?”

  “Sure he does,” a pink skunk with an orange stripe down its back said. “We all saw it. We all know.”

  Confused, Murphy asked, “Who was it?”

  And in unison, they all responded, “King Peerson.”

  Um, yikes.

  Chapter 17

  “Fuck, dude, are you kidding me? We’ve been walking for GD days and all we did was go in a big fucking circle?” Nina groused, dropping down to the ground amidst some brilliant lavender wildflowers and crossing her lanky legs.

  Murphy dropped down beside her, too, and sighed, looking around at the field full of polka-dotted toadstools, surrounded by patches of wildflowers.

  As frustrating as it was, Nina was right, though. They’d only been walking for a day, but it felt much longer, and to make matters worse, they kept walking right back to the same place they started. Eight hours of this was enough.

  Sten hiked his backpack up on his broad shoulders and looked around. “I don’t get it. This has always been the way to the north end of Troll Hill.”

  Which was the direction all the creatures who’d come to help said Sten’s lookalike had headed. Which must also mean that note she’d found in her apartment had something to do with this.

  Nina leaned her head back against the tree she sat under, one that resembled an oak tree except it had blue and red leaves. “Oh, yeah? Well, I’m here to tell ya, someone’s tweakin’ your balls, buddy, because this leads us no fucking where. I’ve seen that same damn toadstool Marty’s plunked her ass on four times today alone. At this rate, we’ll make Oz by the next century.”

  Sten blew out a breath, handing bottles of water to Wanda and Marty, who’d plunked down on toadstools, stretching out their limbs with groans. “Someone’s screwing with us. Just gimme a sec and let me think.”

  Bellamy plopped down with Nova alongside her at the next tree over from Murphy and Nina. “Dear Odin,” she said, blowing out an exasperated breath. “We’d better figure this out soon. I don’t know how long poor Nova’s little legs can hold out.”

  Nova groaned her consent, but she patted Bellamy’s hand. “I’m fine, Bell.”

  Bell? Even in the midst of their frustration and the hunt to find the person who’d given Bellamy the curse, Murphy still had enough time to wonder what the hell was going on between the two. They weren’t just being nice to one another, they were whispering in each other’s ears as though they were long lost friends.

  “A mirage!” a tiny voice from out of the blue blurted, and it was co
ming from somewhere behind Murphy, a tiny female voice. “It’s a trick! A trick! A trick! A trick!”

  Looking down, she saw a petite green chipmunk bouncing from foot to foot, swishing her tail and eyeing her with shiny, beady eyes.

  Setting her hand on the ground, she motioned for her to climb up. “Well, hello. My name’s Murphy. Mind telling me what trick you’re talking about?”

  “Jesus and a covered wagon, she’s fucking at it again,” Nina said with a moan.

  Murphy made a face at Nina. Since they’d left Sten’s cottage and begun the trek to the north, traveling across Troll Hill, she’d been stopped on more than one occasion as the creatures of the forest found out she was a new person to talk to—about everything.

  Every complaint, every grievance they had concerning their food, shelter, whatever, they brought to her.

  And while she was happy to assist, now wasn’t really the time to handle how they were going to find a place private enough for the bunnies to do what bunnies did so the youth of the forest didn’t have to bear witness to what bunnies did.

  “Hey!” she chirped, stomping her little foot. “Are you listening? It’s a trick!”

  “What’s a trick, little lady?”

  Settling on her hand, the adorable critter looked at her and batted her eyes. “You have to solve the puzzle to get past the troll. There’s a bad troll. A big bad troll! Find him and the way becomes clear!”

  “A puzzle?” Murphy asked in disbelief.

  Nina popped her lips and eyed the chipmunk, and though her next words were stern, there was a twinkle in her gaze. “What the hell is the little bugger saying? Translation for all of us who don’t speak critter.”

  “She says we have to solve a puzzle to get past a troll and the way will become clear.”

  Nina, like a hawk scooping up its prey, snatched the squirming chipmunk from her hand and held it up in front of her. “You are the cutest bugger ever, but cute’s only gonna go so far with me, Miss. Especially when there’s shit to be done. Now, tell Auntie Nina where the bad troll is so we can get the fuck on with this,” she said in that baby voice she’d used with Pancake.

  “You’re sooo pretty,” the chipmunk cooed, booping Nina’s nose, obviously to catch the vampire off guard, before she wormed her way out of Nina’s grip and dropped to the ground. “Find the bad troll!” she sang over her shoulder as she scurried away. “Solve the puzzle. The puuuuzzle!”

  “What the fuck did it say?”

  Murphy let her chin drop to her chest in defeat. “Find the troll, solve the puzzle.”

  Shit.

  Since they’d left Sten’s house yesterday after hearing what Stink and her friends had to say, they’d accomplished little but literally going in circles.

  Whoever this was pretending to be Sten was going to get a solid pop in the mouth from her for making everyone’s lives miserable.

  According to Stink, Birgit had indeed gone to the market, and then someone who everyone thought was Sten had showed up and offered to carry her bags of food. That was the last anyone, including the animals in the forest, had seen her.

  Jannick was beside himself, and when they’d left yesterday morning, Murphy and Sten had both worried not only for his state of mind, but for his well-being. Especially if someone impersonating Sten was wandering around Troll Hill.

  So Nina had gone back and grabbed Arch and the rest of the gang to stay with him while they made the trip to the north. They’d left Arch, Carl, Darnell and Pancake at Sten’s cottage with Jannick, who grew more worried by the second.

  And then they’d begun this maddening trip to the northside of The Realm, reluctantly taking Nova and Bellamy with them, neither of whom would listen to reason about their safety in staying back with the others.

  “Okay, so, Sten, where do we find a troll with a puzzle?” Wanda asked, rising from the toadstool and planting her hands on her hips.

  Sten narrowed his eyes and shook his head with an ironic smile before he yelled, “Okay, I’ve had enough. Gary! I know it’s you. Get your troll ass out here now! As your king, I order you to obey my command!”

  Murphy looked around, waiting for Gary to appear, but there was nothing except for the silence of Troll Hill under a beautifully blue sky and the small chirps of birds in the distance.

  Until the ground beneath them melted with a rumble so fierce, it made the women cover their ears.

  “What the ever-lovin’ fuck?” Nina yelped over the roar of the grassy floor lifting under their feet, pushing upward and shaping itself into a large mound. Dirt fell away as flowers, trees and toadstools went flying upward into the perfect blue sky and the ground became what resembled a hill.

  Murphy stumbled and almost toppled over, her heart pounding in her ears, but Sten grabbed her arm to right her, almost falling himself. Wanda and Marty latched onto one another while Nova and Bellamy fell flat on their backs.

  “Fe-fi-fo-fum, I smell the blood of a…king. Wait, that doesn’t rhyme, does it?” a voice boomed, swooshing in the air around them. Laughter, resonant and deep, followed the words, a happy chortle of sound.

  Once Sten was sure Murphy was stable, he motioned for her to wait and stomped up alongside the mound until he stopped and said, “Gary, I’m in no damn mood, buddy.”

  “Says the man—oh, excuse me, king—who’s standing on my esophagus,” the voice rumbled before a long yawn. “How the hell are you, friend?”

  Murphy peeked down the length of the mound, and then she blinked. It really shouldn’t surprise her after everything that had happened over the last few days that the outline of a man had sprung from the earth out of nowhere—a very large man, no less—but here she was, surprised.

  And here she was again, her mouth hanging open as though her jaw had unhinged.

  Sten barked a laugh, taking a couple of steps backward. “I’m okay. But more to the point, how the hell are you, Gary?”

  “Better now. My esophagus thanks you.” He lifted his arm and managed to grab the lot of them from his belly, landing them in the palm of his hand before he said, “So what is all this noise about anyway? Can’t a man take a nap without Troll Hill falling apart?”

  Sten, not at all fazed by the fact that they were in the center of someone’s hand, crossed his arms over his broad chest. “What’s this I hear about a puzzle we have to solve to get to the north? Since when did that rule go into effect? And why do we keep going in circles? I need to get to the northern part of The Realm, Gary. I can’t do that if you’re out here playing games.”

  Setting his hand on the ground and encouraging them all to hop off with a wiggle of his fingers, Gary sighed, creating a breeze that blew Murphy’s hair around.

  “The puzzle, riiiight, right right. Damn, I’m sorry, Sten. The puzzle totally slipped my mind. It was a precautionary measure to keep everyone safe and out of the north, but I only have two eyes, and I do like a nap.”

  Sten scowled at him, his hard jaw tightening. “I’d lay bets it was a precaution my father instituted so he didn’t have to travel to the north because he was too caught up in chasing women? Am I right?”

  Gary’s amused laughter rumbled in her ears. “Ah, you knew your father well. Yep. That’s what it was, but I can easily rectify that. While I do, why don’t you tell me what’s going on and why you’re going to, of all places, the north with all these lovely ladies?”

  As Sten explained the events of the last few days, his face filled with worry for his mother, Murphy took that time to once more absorb something almost too incredulous to believe.

  There was a man who’d lain hidden in the grass, who could easily be categorized as a giant, making conversation with Sten. Like, he was moving his lips and nodding his big green head as he sat up and looked at all of them.

  And he wasn’t hard to look at, either. In fact, even if green wasn’t her favorite color, she wasn’t mad at how handsome and buff he was. Enormous, but handsome. He had an infectious smile and twinkling eyes that gazed upon them w
ith warmth and amusement.

  “Close your mouth, Troll,” Nina ordered with a nudge. “You’re staring, and that shit’s rude.”

  Murphy snapped her lips together when Sten held out a hand and motioned her to him with a grin. “Meet Murphy, the newest member of Troll Hill. I trust you’ll make her feel welcome. Murphy, meet Gary, resident giant earth troll and loyal subject to my father.”

  An earth troll…

  His face lifted in a smile, his teeth jagged and white against his green skin. “And apparently a gatekeeper. Sorry about that. I forgot all about it. Still, it’s nice to meet you. Welcome to Troll Hill.” He held out a finger for her to shake.

  “Nice to meet you, too,” she said, hoping her voice didn’t quiver. If this was going to be a place she spent time, she needed to adjust to all these new and strange experiences.

  But Gary must have heard her trepidation. “Don’t be afraid. I would never hurt you. We’re all mostly peace lovers here in Troll Hill.”

  Nina looked Gary square in the eye. “We keep fucking hearing that, but the Middle Earther says otherwise.”

  Marty whacked Nina with a hand to her shoulder. “Hush. One bad apple and all that. Be polite, for the love of all that’s holy.” Then she smiled at Gary. “I’m Marty, by the way, and this is Wanda.”

  Gary grinned, maybe a little too lasciviously as he leaned back on the palms of his hands. “The pleasure is all mine.”

  Bellamy ran up to him and grabbed one of his fingers, hugging it and exclaiming, “Gary! I’m so happy to see you. It’s been forever.”

  But Gary frowned at her, his green forehead creasing. “That’s because you don’t come ’round anymore, Bellamy. Off living your life in the human realm and too busy to visit your roots?”

  Bellamy’s beautiful face fell. “You’re right. I should come back more often. I just…” She shrugged. “I don’t know. My life went off the rails, and I got caught up, but I’m trying to reel it back in.”

  Again, Murphy was sure she was hearing real remorse in Bellamy’s voice and it continued to amaze her.